Monthly Archives: December 2011

Good Riddance

I am not sad that 2011 is drawing to a close.

Sure, it had its good points, but this was its downfall:

As a result of this, I am getting fatter than I want to be (obviously, since I was perfectly fine with staying the size I was), which is doubly annoying because my clothes will fit and then I’ll have to buy new ones.  No, that’s not a typo; I hate feeling constricted, so I prefer to wear pretty much everything one or two sizes larger than necessary.  Gaining weight means that they’ll be the right size, which, in my view, is too small.

All this, and I’m still not going to have what I want, because what I want is to run long, and I’m not going to do that yet, since I have absolutely no desire for a repeat performance of the past few months.  I’m doing C25K instead, and it’s driving me absolutely insane; I don’t want to take walk breaks, I want to run and run and run!!

But the best part of this all, if you inflect the word “best” with the healthiest dose of sarcasm possible, is that my right side feels weird.  As in, I fractured my left pubic rami, and now my right side feels weird.  It’s entirely possible that I am now excessively — but justifiably! — paranoid, because I have been able to run on it and it doesn’t get any worse, but still.  I’m going to kick off the new year, then, with a visit to the sports MD.  Fun times, hey?

What really is fun: I’ve finally decided to just get on with it and obtain my Advanced Open Water Diver certification.  This, of course, means that I will have to go visit some tropical locale to complete the required dives.  Somehow, I think I’ll manage to get over the difficulty of that.

I was going to think about what to do with the blog in 2012, but I decided it’s not worth the technical / emotional hassle; I have too many things to do as it is.  Since it doesn’t matter to anyone but me anyway (which is the way it should be), I am just going to continue blogging whenever I feel like it… and lately, that just hasn’t been very often.  Too bad.

Happy New Year!

Family Math and I’m a Mess… but Happy Holidays

It’s another Cousin Invasion!  I actually tried to figure out my relationship to these people… my mom’s first cousin is their grandfather.  I think that makes them my second cousins once removed.  Which is getting a wee bit ridiculous, but okay, I’ll shut about that before my blood pressure gets too high.

But on the topic of family, one of my sisters-in-law had an absolutely adorable baby girl this past week, and I’d share a picture of her, but I’m not really into the whole “putting photos of other people’s kids online for all the world to see” thing.  So you’ll just have to trust me on this one.

And oh, hey, it’s that time of year again…

obviously not a photo from this year, since today is the third day of chanukah

…which means a family party!  Woo.  Hoo.

 
Anyway.
 
As for me being a mess — I know, way to overstate the obvious, right?  Too bad, I’m stating it anyway.
 
Well, the good news is, I guess, that I won’t be getting bone cancer just yet, because I’m not taking the injections that would cause them.  Which is nice, because they cost about a thousand dollars a month, and my insurance would probably cover about two percent of that if I was lucky.  What’s not so nice is that I’m using an estrogen patch instead.  Which costs me eighty dollars a month… and my insurance is paying about sixty.  Lovely.
 
While I know that some people deliberately set out to lose their periods, I was never one of them.  I’m not going to say I enjoy them, because I think anyone who does is probably slightly crazy, but I never really made the equation in my head that getting my period means I am fat.  And hey, since I always think I’m fat anyway, I may as well not have my bones falling apart on me too, right?
 
I just don’t think that this is going to solve anything, because until fairly recently, my estrogen levels were always normal.  So whatever.  I’m a freak of nature, apparently.  And I hate drugs, and I don’t want to be using this, but then again, I’m good at freaking out about things.
 
And even though I’m allowed to try running again, what I am doing (walk-run-walk-run) is not really something I’d call “running” — I so badly want to be able to just roll out of bed and go for a five-mile jaunt in the morning like I used to, but I am absolutely terrified of re-injuring myself, and I’m afraid that it might not really be healed, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t handle that.
 
As a totally unrelated side note, I need $1,350.  I compiled a little wish list for myself, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to buy everything on it at some point, but … it would be nice if the money just fell into my lap so I didn’t have to feel guilty about it!  Except that I probably would feel guilty anyway, so I should just do it already…
 
Oh, and happy holidays to all.  Bonus points if you can figure out why this tree made me laugh.
 

Kuh. Ray. Zee.

…That pretty much describes my week.

Sunday, I stepped on a treadmill.  I walked on it for five minutes, remembering how much it makes me feel like a hamster on a wheel, and then I ran for five minutes, during which I was so ecstatically happy I thought my heart would burst.  (Or maybe that was just my ridiculously high heart rate.)  I walked for another five minutes, and called it quits to see how my body would react over the next couple of days.

Monday, we (my mom, sisters, sisters-in-law, and I) went out for my sister’s birthday.  I also had an excruciating headache during this outing, which was to a restaurant with a menu which I would have custom-ordered if I was trying to find one with very few things I’d actually want to eat!  Pretty much everything was either A) fish or B) drowning in cheese.  Totally not eating disorder related: I have always hated both.

But I suppose I managed to eat way more than enough, anyway.

grilled balsamic portobella cap

the soup of the day was lentil soup -- hallelujah, something without cream!

cucumber roll, because... why not

the (very greasy!!) mushrooms from my mom's vegetable plate side

my sister-in-law wanted to order a mozzarella bowl for the table... somehow i ended up eating about a quarter of the bowl (the literal bowl, not the stuff inside it)

The most annoying thing about this was hearing everyone saying things like I shouldn’t get that and I need to be good and That’s too fattening… I wanted to stand up on my chair and yell at them to shut up already because you people sound like me!!

Tuesday was another oh-so-lovely day.  My sister is having the floors in her house re-done, and so she moved into my house.  With seven kids.  I love them, and all, but I really do need a couple of hours of peace when I’m at home.  Not to mention the fact that it drives me absolutely bonkers to have people stick their noses in my plate when I am eating, and I am not exaggerating, because a kid’s nose is pretty much level with the countertop.  Which I have to use as a table since the actual table is too laden with things.  It looks like a computer lab, what with all the laptops in the house!

I was, however, glad to finally be able to go swimming again — I couldn’t last week because of my so-called broken rib.  But since I renewed my membership sometime in June, and I do it in six-month increments, I called first to make sure it was still active.  I was informed that my membership expires in July of 2012.  And that the pool was closed!!  The silver lining here, of course, is that I somehow wound up with six free months, but… I didn’t get to swim.  Boo.

Instead, I went to my nutritionist.  Where I got verification of what I already knew: I am getting fatter and fatter and faaaaaatter.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure I can be bothered to care anymore.  I want to run again.  It seems I am destined to be a fat cow no matter what I do, so whatever.

I got some new dishware on which I’ve had an eye for months:

Of course, I had to use it right away… primarily because with all of the people in the house, these dishes are the most accessible since I didn’t get to put them away yet!

version one: rainbow chard, sprouted mung beans, butternut squash, green beans

version two: rainbow chard, sprouted mung beans, butternut squash, cauliflower, buckwheat

version three: baby kales, roasted delicata squash, kidney beans. with a dressing i created using apple cider vinegar, wildflower honey, and orange juice. which was surprisingly, plate-lickingly good.

Wednesday morning, I decided enough time had elapsed for me to try running again.  I hate the whole run-walk thing; it drives me crazy.  But beggars can’t be choosers.

Yes, I am easily amused, but I find these corresponding mountains and valleys to be rather entertaining.  I am so much slower than I was three months ago!!  I’m scared to try running any faster yet, though.  Especially because I still haven’t figured out whether or not this hurts.  It doesn’t feel like I’m being stabbed and dying, the way it did during the half marathon, but I’m pretty paranoid right now.  (Side note: see my insane heart rate?!  The weird thing is that it didn’t feel like I was working that hard.  You’d think I would be out of breath, but I wasn’t.  Then again, I am an anomaly.)

That night, I went to PT, where the orthopedist sent me for a general strengthening program.  Evidently I have a backwards tilt to my pelvis — I do everything with an arch in my back, all in the name of “good posture”!  It feels really, really weird to “tuck [my] pelvis in.”  I did say I have pelvic issues…

Thursday is always delightful because I get to go to acupuncture.  And my acupuncture “nap” is very necessary, considering my recent unfortunate habit of waking up at 3.45 AM and staying awake.

I told my acupuncturist that if I don’t get my period soon, I am going to be very pissed, because A) I am fat enough now, and B) look at my face!  I am referring to myself as Vashti, because I am breaking out like crazy.  Not.  Happy.

Is it weird that I find it easier to talk about things like this with my acupuncturist than with my therapist?!  Heh, maybe you really do get what you pay for.  Apparently, my body image needs some work.  No kidding.

Lesson in life: these delicatas are all different sizes, from long and thin to short and squat.  And they’re all equally delicious.

Now I just need to knock that concept into my extremely thick skull.

Stabby

Last week, after my acupuncture appointment, I went back to work and subsequently discovered this in my pants:

Uh, oops.  That was supposed to come out.  Explains why I felt like I was being pricked.  Though I didn’t really mind that much, because now my parents will stop driving me crazy about what type of needles are used in acupuncture — I just brought this one to show them!  If only all problems were solved as easily…

But I also learned a new word: costochondritis.  I had never heard of it before, but when I looked it up, it seemed to match perfectly what my GP explained as a “fractured rib.”  Evidently, it’s really difficult to break the first few ribs unless someone whacks you with a mallet or something, and I’m fairly certain that hasn’t happened to me.  Even if I do feel like my heart has been crushed into a million irreparable pieces.

So, now that I have a name for this “condition,” I’m not really any better off than I was before, since I still can’t actually do anything about it.  I guess it must feel better than it did last week, though, since I wasn’t able to wash out my wetsuit and booties until tonight, because it hurt when I bent over.  Kind of like my heart was falling out of my chest, and frankly, it’s welcome to do that.  Nor would I blame it, since it’s not fair to expect it to put up with this crap for so long.

I was a little surprised when the orthopedist told me I could try to run, because I thought it would be a lot longer — not complaining about that part, you understand — but I dutifully took inventory of all my despicable parts to see how they were doing.  And I was completely horrified to find this: the right side of my groin feels weird.  It doesn’t hurt, really, but it doesn’t feel normal.  This would be a lot less alarming to me if I hadn’t felt something similar on my left side before the half marathon, after which I couldn’t walk for a week.  Or even move without excruciating agony.  Pelvic fractures are not fun.  So, yes, I’d love to try running, but A) I am scared ****less, and B) my chest still hurts.

What I find extremely ironic is that I went for years without any such problems, regardless of whether or not I was eating, or how much.  And now that I’m eating more than I did when I was running, and probably more than I ever have in my entire life, even though I’m doing almost no exercise, I’m literally falling apart.

Seriously.  I don’t know why the hell I even bother.


Contrary to photographic non-evidence, I actually have been eating.  And eating.  And eating.  But I think I already mentioned that.  I just haven’t felt like sharing the fact that I have turned into one of the world’s most gluttonous greedy pigs, but then I realized that this is old news, even if it’s just on a different scale now.  So.

I bought this sunflower seed beverage quite a while ago, but never got around to using it.  I finally opened it today because my jar of sunflower seed butter is nearly empty.  I know, that sounds completely unrelated, but it’s not.

I am nothing if not obedient, so I had to make these pancakes.  I used the buckwheat pancake mix that has been sitting on my countertop for ages (yes, I have a problem in which I accumulate products that will sit unused forever if I don’t consume them immediately).

Like I said, I am nothing if not obedient, so I had to add syrup, which I personally thought was a bit of an unnecessary addition.  I loved the pancake mix, by the way.  As for the sunflower seed beverage… well, it tasted nothing like sunflower seeds.  I double-tested that by using it in a bowl of cereal.  It’s fine by me, since I don’t actually like sunflower seeds.


In a highly unusual turn of events, I slept fourteen (interrupted) hours last night.  That’s three nights’ worth of sleep, which is awesome, but what’s not awesome is that now I am never going to be able to fall asleep tonight.  Quite a vicious cycle.

And I really love the oblivion that sleeping gives me… because these days, I just don’t like to be awake.  I’m kind of in a “stabby and hating everything” mode.  Joy to the world.

Seeking MD

It is seriously time for me to get a new doctor.

Since it’s a crime for me to do something I enjoy and emerge unscathed, I have a price to pay for going on a dive trip.  And I’m not talking about the sunburn.  I’m talking about the pain in my chest that would have had me wondering whether I was having a heart attack, had I not just had an EKG last month!  So, at my mom’s urging, I clomped off to my doctor’s office, knowing that it would be a waste of time and money.  (This is the same doctor who adamantly insisted that my pelvic fractures were a ruptured tendon.)

He told me I have a fractured rib.  Um… I didn’t do anything!  How did that happen?!  Then again, he once told my sister she had a fractured rib, and she actually had gall stones, so whatever.  Like I said, I need a new doctor.

But I oh-so-conveniently had an appointment with the orthopedist today, so I asked him for his opinion.  He doesn’t think it’s fractured, and I prefer to go with that.  Not that it really matters what’s wrong with it, since even if it is fractured, there’s not much you can do for a broken rib.  And he told me I could try running a couple of times a week and see how that works out… except that I have effectively been a big fat lazy couch potato since before I left for Belize, because that’s what I did in Belize and then I came back and effed up my rib.  Which, even if it isn’t broken, still hurts.

As a side note, I read a study recently about dried plums’ ability to restore bone mass.  I actually very much dislike dried plums, but I decided to try and make myself learn to like them.  I found these, which have no preservatives — I think that preservatives sometimes makes things taste kind of weird.  I was surprised to find that I even rather liked them!  The study mentioned two servings a day, but that seemed excessive, so I decided to stick with one for now… but I think that was still way too enthusiastic of me, because words cannot even describe the intestinal agony which ensued today.

And then I got into a stupid fight with my sister because she wanted us (my mom, sisters, and sisters-in-law) to go out tonight for her birthday, and even if we ignore the fact that I very much dislike doing such things without prior notice, the very last thing I need right now is an assault on my digestive system.  Her reasoning was that you don’t know your stomach won’t hurt next week!  Okay… so go without me?  I don’t know, arguments are just stupid 99% of the time.

But hey, at least we can all agree that I am selfish and the world revolves around me.  Yay!

Belize

So, I just got back from my “consolation prize” dive trip.  If it seems like I just left, that’s because I did — I was only there for two days.  And I traveled for two days to get there and home.  But I’d say it was worth it.

First things first: diving!  Of course the day dawned overcast, and a cold front had moved in — but I layered a 2mm shorty over my 5mm wetsuit, and it was perfect.  For the first time in recent memory, I was not cold while diving.  This just proves that salespeople do not know everything.  When I bought my wetsuit, I said I wanted a 7mm; upon hearing that I stuck to warm water diving, the salesman told me I was insane and convinced me that a 5mm would be enough.  Yeah, not so much.

Anyway, thank goodness for Dramamine; ever since a less-than-pleasant experience with choppy waters in Grand Cayman, I take the stuff before a dive regardless of whether I think I’ll need it; and this time, I definitely did.  The winds and waves were completely insane!  But all was well underwater…

you're looking at a spiny lobster

(somewhat creepy, i think) closeup of a turtle

These dives were pretty awesome.  It was just me and another diver with the instructor, and I adore small groups; I always choose dive operators that are known for small groups.  I also chose the one I did because I knew that they use integrated weights, and I’m not a big fan of weight belts since they tend to leave me bruised!

I still can’t believe that I went to Belize and didn’t dive Blue Hole, though.  I’ll have to go back when I win the lottery to do that.  Instead, I spent the next day forcing myself to chill out.

I was so proud of myself: I spent nearly four hours just lounging around!  I read some, but for the most part, I didn’t do anything but lie there.  And despite using so much sunscreen that I was practically choking on the fumes, this happened:

It looks a lot worse than that now — it’s just pink there.  At the moment, it’s bright red.  Sitting on that for three flights on my way home?  Not fun at all.  But I have to say that these pelvic fractures have certainly put all other forms of injury into perspective: yes, this burn hurts.  But nothing I’ve ever experienced hurt as much as those fractures did when they first happened.

The mental aspect of it, well, now, that’s another story.

But since when it rains, it pours, I also managed to pull a muscle in all of my luggage-toting.  A pectoral muscle.  Seriously — who does that?!  If I were a hypochondriac, I might fret that I am having a heart attack, but alas, that isn’t the case.

I’m going to miss this.

Especially since I feel particularly lazy now — the very thought of putting on cycling pants makes me cringe!  It’s been a while since I’ve had a burn this bad, so I’m not sure how long it will take to heal, but with liberal application of aloe after sun, it will probably be at least a couple more days.  So I will just stuff my face instead, I guess.

Random insertion: I can’t believe it, myself, but I really want my period to come back already.  I am getting rather impatient.