I Blog Because…

…there is no answer to that question, is there?

Even if I were to say that I do it because it’s therapeutic, that’s only true up to a certain point.  All of the ranting and raving in the world won’t make this go away, it won’t make me feel any better, and it’s just an all-around waste of time and space.  Of my own brainspace, really, since I don’t think anyone is even reading it, and I’m killing myself slowly by devoting so many neurons to it.  I’d rather just throw myself in front of a train and get it over with, thanks very much.

I can’t blog in “my own voice” because I don’t currently feel like I have one.  Lazy lumps on a log don’t usually have one.  I had trouble identifying myself as a runner even when I could run, because I always felt like an impostor; now I really feel like it’s all just a big fat cruel joke, and none of it ever happened.  The amount of money I have spent lately is frightening, and I don’t just mean the medical bills.  This always happens to me when I get depressed: I turn to retail therapy.  And it never works.  I know this, and yet I keep doing it.

At least things won’t run away from me when / if I need them.  People never fail to pull an abandoning act.

But first I have to get slapped in the face.  I had to block about half of my Facebook friends from my feed, because it hurt too much to see them all gloating about races I was also supposed to be doing.  Instead I just get to sit around and … um … eat and get fat?  Many people might call that a dream come true.

I call it a nightmare.

And speaking of which, I had the most bizarre dream last night (in between my second and third stretches of sleep — the concept of sleeping through the night is quite foreign around here)… I accidentally swallowed a toothpick and it got lodged in my throat.  I wasn’t even using the toothpick, my dad was doing something with a whole pile of them, and I have no idea how it wound up in my mouth, but whatever.  Unfortunately, I woke up before I choked to death.

Such is the story of my life.

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One response to “I Blog Because…

  1. Hey,
    I have been reading your blog for probably close to 1.5 years (not a huge fan of commenting)– I enjoy your writing style and wit. First, I tend to have a similar sleep pattern most nights, so I understand. Not fun. More importantly, I just wanted to articulate that someone is reading your blog and wishing you the best. I used to run quite a bit, and had to stop outright last fall in the name of beating the exercise addiction which had become a huge part of my eating disorder. I feel your frustration– hang in there, please!

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