I Don’t Care

There really has not been anything I’ve felt like saying lately… hence my lack of posting.  I could have bitched and whined like I did in my past couple of posts, but that would have gotten really old, really fast.

So, in a nutshell, to sum up the last couple of weeks:

I paid $350 completely out of pocket to see one of the best sports orthopedists in the city, who ordered a zillion and one tests (okay, three… blood test, twenty-four hour urinalysis, and a DEXA) and also referred me to another doctor in the hospital whose specialty is the female athlete triad.  Which, by the way, abbreviates to F. A. T.  Which is exactly what I am right now.  Anyway, funny as I think this is, since I’m the least active person on the planet right now, it gets even funnier.  I went to see a sports nutritionist.  The only event for which I am currently training is “sitting around on my rapidly expanding ass and stuffing my face,” so the whole situation is extremely ironic.

I can ride my bike pretty much pain-free, which is nice, but I’m terrified of overdoing it, and it’s freaking freezing outside, and stationary bikes are nearly as bad as treadmills in my opinion, so … yeah, I can freeze my butt off on the bike for half an hour a few times a week.  However, I cannot swim, even with a pull buoy, because it hurts my back.  Lovely.

Today I went to see that specialist.  I was under the impression that I was looking for a building with the number 532.  I passed 530, reached the end of the street, and found myself at the river.  I should have just jumped in and drowned myself.  I did find the building (523, not 532), only to make it through the most devastatingly depressing appointment of my entire life.  I don’t even want to think about it.  But I have to go to another million appointments now in the hospital, and would someone please explain to me why the hell it’s in the middle of nowhere?!  Seriously — the nearest subway stop is almost a mile away!

In short, I am hemorrhaging money I don’t have (okay, that’s not entirely true — I don’t spend money if I don’t have it, but I’d rather be able to save money than spend it like this), and at this point, I’m really feeling like it’s all just a waste of time and resources and I am never going to be able to run again, and I am just doomed to a life of being a fat sedentary lump… and I hate myself for it.  Especially because it’s largely my own ****ing fault.

Since I’m already hemorrhaging money, and ready to claw my own eyes out from the envy of seeing other people sign up for the Turkey Trot, December 5K, and January half marathon for which I am registered — in Bermuda — I booked a dive trip.  It’s been entirely too long since I’ve gone diving, and while I truly do love it, and in fact loved it before I loved running, it’s an entirely different kind of love.  It does not replace it at all.

I really don’t talk about this much in real life, because nobody really cares or understands that it is killing me not to be able to run.  The people who tell me to just replace it with another hobby?  They make me want to shoot someone.  I’m actually finally taking the photography course I’ve been intending to take after grad school (hemorrhaging money, remember), and while I do enjoy photography, A) I am not very good at it and B) it is not the same as running!

And now I have to buy cold weather cycling gear.  Which I wasn’t going to do since I wasn’t planning to cycle outside in the winter, I was planning to run!

Even though I know it won’t fix anything, and even though I haven’t done it in so long I can’t remember when the last time was, this whole situation is really making me want to cut.  One of the main reasons I haven’t in so long is because I knew I’d be swimming, and I don’t need to put evidence of my crazy on display.  But since I will evidently not be swimming in the forseeable future, and since I’ve given everything else a shot over the past five weeks and nothing has made a difference, I really, really, really don’t think I care anymore.  About anything.


One response to “I Don’t Care

  1. I’m a new commenter, but I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time. Long-distance running has always been my sport of choice, and I definitely relate to the frustration of dealing with one injury after another. Nothing really feels as good as running to me – in fact, nothing even comes close. So I definitely sympathize with you, and understand that biking somehow just doesn’t seem to cut it.

    It’s great that you are getting to dive again! I had forgotten you did that, and I’m pretty amazed because deep water – or any water, really – absolutely terrifies. Good for you for trying to get into other activities, even though I agree that running feels irreplaceable. Hang in there, things will turn around!

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