You know those sunshine-y blog posts where you pretend everything is fine even if the world is crumbling to bits around you?… This isn’t one of those.  So if you like to believe that the world is a fabulous place filled with only good things, just stop reading now.

I realized that when I said “tendon,” most people probably assumed I meant the Achilles tendon.  I didn’t.  It’s actually in my hip.  The upper inner thigh, if we’re going to be precise.  And it means that I can’t do anything.  Not in the “I can’t run so I am riding / swimming / going to the gym instead” way; more like, sitting down or standing up, getting in or out of bed, stepping over the rim of the tub to get into the shower are all excruciatingly painful.  I have not left the house since Tuesday, and frankly, I don’t feel like going anywhere ever again.  Because it was Rosh Hashanah, I only missed two days of work instead of four, but it also means that my sole activity has consisted of moving from my bed to the bathroom to the couch to the table to stuff my fat ugly face and back again, day after day.

After all of the experience I have with injuries, you’d think I would know how to handle this better, but apparently I don’t, because I am kind of completely falling apart.  I tried being patient, but it’s hard to be excited about graduating from crutches to a cane when it still hurts just as much… and I still don’t even know what’s wrong, because my doctor is a total idiot and didn’t give me a referral for an X-ray since he insists it’s not a stress fracture, it’s a tendon… but he wouldn’t give me a referral for an MRI, either, so I had to get that from my endocrinologist, only my insurance company rejected it because it needs to be preceded by an X-ray that shows no abnormalities.  In other words, I am screwed.

And I need a new doctor.  Which I already knew.  Except that I can’t be bothered right now, considering I don’t want to ever go anywhere again.  Even though I am avoiding mirrors, I don’t have to see myself to feel the unwelcome and unnecessary layer of fat that’s draping itself over my rapidly atrophying muscles.  My skin is practically crawling with revulsion, it is driving me insane, and I can’t do a damn thing about it because I can hardly move; I just get to sit around all day ruminating over what a useless waste of space I am, good at nothing but taking up even more and more and more of that space.

I can’t go through this again.  I really, really can’t.

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3 responses to “

  1. First of all, I am really sorry that you’re in so much pain at the moment. Secondly, the amount of exercise that you do doesn’t define who you are. You must know this and yet it seems as though you feel that way. In order to heal you need to eat. Food is nourishment, not some kind of creation where it’s soul purpose is to make us fat. Trust me, I didn’t exercise for a long time and it still took a long time for me to gain the weight I needed.

    You need to fight these disordered thoughts and not get to into them. Just acknowledge them and let them go. Use this time to heal your mind as well. You can’t keep beating yourself up over something that you have no control over. These things happen especially when you’re not at your healthiest.

    Please take care ❤

    xxx

  2. hey
    ive commented before but Im more of an everyday ( every time ) reader than an everytime commenter.
    Im sorry you re feeling so badly . Yes, get you a new dr when you can in the mean time,i know its hard but try not to beat yourself up on the things you cant control. You have a body and it does for the most part what you want, but then thers the shit you cant control, its shitting out on you and thers nothin you can do but be patient, breathe and perhaps partake in all the things that you wanted to do ( lazy style ) that you never had time for before, blog reading, pintrest, spotify etc.
    feel better lady.

  3. Grr at your doctor! I hope you find a new one who will send you for an x-ray. The pain you’re describing sounds kind of like what I went through two years ago. I continued to run through worsening pain in my inner thigh/hip for a couple of weeks, then it sort of gave way and left me barely able to walk for a good month. For the first week my mum was having to get me cups of tea and stuff because the most I could do was crawl to the bathroom every now and then! Urgh, it was a nightmare, and I remember how dreadful I felt about being unable to go to the gym or run after only getting back into it a couple of months before. I did it too early in my recovery and got dependent on it, so of course ended up in a total state when it was taken away from me. Oops. Anyway, it wasn’t a fracture in my case – I pulled/partially tore my hip adductor muscles, which my GP told me can be agonising and take up to six months to heal if you do it “properly”. I was better enough to be able to run again after four, but decided not to because it was scary how close to relapsing the injury had brought me. Clearly wasn’t ready to exercise at that point.

    I don’t want to say I hope it turns out that you have the same problem rather than a stress fracture because I don’t want to wish that kind of cr*p on you! I hope you get your x-ray soon anyway, at least then you’ll know what’s going on. *hug* if you want it 😦

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