I Am Lucky

I’ve been meaning to post this for a few days now, but I haven’t had the time or the words.  I don’t really have those now, either, but here goes…

Lately, I’ve been feeling — for lack of a better word — rather bipolar.  I can go from being really content to wanting to crawl under a rock and stay there forever.  It’s kind of disturbing.

Even though I’ve been busy, it’s not always the sort of “busy” that occupies my mind.  So even if I’m operating in go-go-go-go mode, my thoughts are free to roam… not exactly a good thing, if you’re an over-thinker in the first place!

What I’ve realized: I’m really, really lucky.  I’ve somehow turned into someone to whom it means more to be strong and active than it does to be thrust into the frail weakling role.  (Not that I ever particularly liked that, but you probably know what I mean.)  The last time I can remember feeling that way is back in high school, when I was still taking karate.  And I like feeling that way.  I honestly never thought of IP as a “haven” the way some people do, but I suppose I can understand how one might view it as a “break from real life,” which might make it appealing… but there is absolutely no part of me right now which envies people in that position.  Am I “recovered”?  Hell, no — far from it.  But I realize that, which is pretty monumental.  And in that respect, I am (for the most part) happier than I have been in a very long time.

I genuinely love training — and the fact that I have been so injury-prone just makes me appreciate every workout.  Even the crappy ones.  Because if I can do it and emerge in relatively one piece, it is not a crappy workout.

However.  (Because there always is a however, yes?)  All is not sunshine and roses.  Like I said, I’m feeling kind of bipolar… so even though there are these unexpected spurts of happiness, sometimes I move in the completely opposite direction.  Maybe it’s just my “baseline” and it seems exaggerated since I’m not accustomed to actually feeling happy, but either way, it sucks.  When I tumble head-first into a maelstrom of self-doubt and -criticism, it’s kind of hard to climb back out.

Part of me is terrified of participating in all of these events — it feels like a recipe for disaster, setting myself up for failure.  Because of course I am going to implode, since I suck.  There is nothing I can do that someone else can’t do better than I can… which effectively renders me pretty useless on this planet.  It’s like I’m here, but I’m not here; I’m the type of person whom everyone finds incredibly easy to overlook.  (Unless, of course, you’re a crazy person.  They are attracted to me in droves… and they don’t go away!)  Which is why I’ve learned to keep people at a distance: someone else can’t reject you if you don’t let them get close enough to have the chance, right?

Yep, amazing coping skill right there.  Something else at which I truly rock.

And since I’m not even sure what I’m saying anymore, I will shut my trap now.

But in case you were wondering (yeah, because I’m so sure you were):

It was homemade (non-dairy!) ice cream.


2 responses to “I Am Lucky

  1. This post made me smile because I remember experiencing the same kind of shifting mentality. I remember starting to feel like I wanted to be strong rather than weak, and knowing that I’d do whatever it took to stay that way. I remember the frail physical condition that I was in when I was in the depths of my ED, and how it makes me appreciate what I can do now even more. On days where I struggle or feel uncomfortable with how much I need to eat, I compare life now to life back then and realize that I’m not willing to lose everything that I’ve gained and it helps me do the right thing. I’m happy to hear that you’re feeling the same way 🙂 Life will only get better.

    ❤ ❤

  2. You have no idea how happy I am to read that you’re becoming happier with feeling strong and truly enjoying your training. I absolutely understand that feeling. I, too, am loving my “training” (for nothing in particular…) and feeling the strongest I ever have. I just hope you’ll start to have more faith in yourself 😉 You really are remarkably talented – and I think as soon as you start believing that more, you’ll be even more unstoppable. I can definitely relate to that, too – having self confidence is really one of the hardest things ever! Slowly, I’m getting there – but am still more likely to keep people at a distance, too. -sigh.- Ah, well. Rome wasn’t built in a day?

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