Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I had a few runs / rides that were attended only by me and my coach?… Yeah, I had no problem talking up a blue streak with him (as much as one can talk while being forced to gasp up a hill!). In contrast, today’s session was attended by three other women. They all chattered away, but I barely said a word… and I knew I was “shutting down,” but I didn’t know why. Upon further examination, I concluded that I either A) am not comfortable with females; B) am not comfortable with groups of people; or C) am not comfortable with people in my own age group (the ages of these women span ten years or so, but I fall pretty much in the middle of that span). Any variation of the above works, too.
I’d attribute my reticence solely to the group nature of the situation, but I don’t think that’s it… because last night, going to the tri stroke clinic, it was just me and one other woman. And while I might not have sat mute the whole way — that would have been rude — I certainly would have liked to. (Especially when people ask things like How do you stay so skinny? Do you diet?… How the hell am I supposed to answer that?!)
It’s second nature for me at this point to assume that the people I meet will not like me. Which is fine, since it’s not very realistic for everyone to get along with everyone… but I take it a step further and assume that they’ll tell other people why they should hate me, too. (I really wish someone would tell me that! Anyone?!) I am aware that this sounds completely paranoid — people certainly have better things to do with their time than spend it talking about me — but it actually isn’t as crazy as it sounds, given what happened to me when I was a kid. (I’m not going to get into it, because I’ve verbally vomited about it in the past, and anyway, I’m not trying to get all “woe is me, I had such a traumatic childhood” here.)
Contrary to my therapist’s opinion, I really don’t think there is any real solution here. I hate the phone because I feel like I am being a pain in the butt and wasting my interlocutor’s time when I use it; texting / emailing is only marginally better. I am not about to call some random person “just to say hi” when I have issues using the phone even when I need to do it!
Oh, yeah, so… that training workout. We had a ride scheduled, which was to be followed by a short run (ten minutes). My bike really needs to be tuned up, but I couldn’t take it to the shop last Friday since I went to PT instead… I hope I can make it there this Friday, because we have a longer brick workout scheduled for Sunday, and I need my bike to be functioning properly by then! I think the ride is probably my least favorite part of the triathlon… no need to make things even more difficult. (Speaking of which, isn’t this kind of strange?… One of my teammates is spending all of her time practicing swimming, which she knows is her strongest area. Running is her weakest, and so she’s avoiding it like the plague. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?!)
And then, with great trepidation, I changed into my running shoes, informing my PT that if I wouldn’t be able to walk for a week after this, I’d blame him. He said, “That’s fine.” Um… no, it isn’t! Off I went in my new running shoes…
I ran 1.15 miles — not a good judge of anything, since it usually takes me at least that long to get into it — and while I wasn’t in excruciating pain afterwards, it didn’t feel quite right. And even though my pace was pretty average for me, my gait felt off. I’m not sure if it’s the shoes, or if it’s because I’m over-compensating in an attempt to favor my uninjured foot, but it did not feel right.
I have to say, this is really starting to mess with my head.
The picture is not at all flattering, but Amanda’s blueberry muffin breakfast bake was so awesome, I just had to include it anyway.
I (very uncharacteristically!) underestimated how much this ramekin can hold (it was my first time using it), so I halved the recipe to avoid spillage. Definitely a bad decision, because double this amount would have been awesome. 😉
Less awesome: having to gulp down food. I hate, hate, hate doing that. But I had to do it last night, because we were leaving to the pool practically before I get home from work.
Brown rice and green lentils over spinach, topped with a hefty dose of garlic salt. I think I liked this… but I kind of ate it too fast to be sure. Ouch. And then we didn’t even end up leaving until nearly half an hour later, but whatever.
There are many, many times when I envision something and the reality doesn’t quite live up to that… like this.
I think blackberry + vanilla go together like banana + chocolate. So Kashi Island Vanilla with blackberries and almond milk sounded like a wonderful combination! Actually, I think the problem is that the berries are just too big.
It was nice that after a sad day (well, the day wasn’t sad, I just felt that way), I got to go swimming in warm water. I could have cried from joy, but instead I practiced the drills from last night. I swim kind of freakishly slowly, but whatever.
I examined my schedule today to find some time in there for me to get some more sleep, because the amount I am on right now is just not working for me… and I can’t find it. Tomorrow is not looking too good in that arena, either — work, work, work (my mom is coming to visit!), and I have an appointment with my nutritionist and PT, which means I won’t get home until a zillion o’clock… and if my foot is not set to run on Thursday, I think I really will cry.
Happy Hump Day! (I actually spent much of today thinking it was Wednesday. I don’t know what is up with me this week — I am so confused.)
“You can only trust yourself… and barely that.”