No pretty pictures or cheerfulness here, folks… sorry if that’s what you were looking for, but you’d best check for that elsewhere. I just need a little vent before I go off to bury myself in a mountain of work that kind of makes me want to kill myself.
Generally, I adore Friday night / Saturday: it’s nice to have to unplug, because heaven knows I wouldn’t be able to do that on my own. So I enjoyed a lovely, relaxed twenty-five hours. And then I turned on my computer this evening, and there went my blood pressure — so high up into the stratosphere, and so quickly, that it was gone before I could even blink. There were about a dozen e-mails in my inbox from my group partners (two separate projects, as if one isn’t stressful enough)… they had all day to work on this. Never mind the fact that they apparently don’t have jobs, either, because they’re constantly working on this in the daytime hours during the week. Don’t ask me how the hell they can afford this school if they don’t work, because I work full-time and I still find it to be a financial albatross. Anyway. That wasn’t my point.
The point is that I am sort of in a complete panic here, because it looks like I’ve done something or said something to convey the notion that I’m anything other than a dumb brainless moron, and that I’m actually someone who understands what the hell I’m supposed to be doing here.
I absolutely don’t. Of course I don’t — I’m just the biggest fraud who has ever lived, and don’t ask me how I managed to make it this far in life without having anyone else figure that one out, because it’s a complete mystery to me, too.
So I have to work on these two group projects… and that paper which I still never finished (because despite swallowing my admittedly oversized pride and asking for help on it, it was not forthcoming), and another project that I never finished because after I started it, it got so daunting that it began to cause anxiety attacks.
If ever there was a situation in which I wanted to pop a pill and crawl into bed, this is it. But I can’t do that. Not tonight.
I have no idea how I’m going to manage any of this. I have no idea why I ever thought that I could.