Let’s Cry.

…or not.  I can’t even remember the last time I cried.  (Actually, that’s a lie.  I can remember exactly, because it happens so very infrequently.  It was eight years ago.)  Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have malfunctioning tear ducts, because a good cry would probably be extremely therapeutic.  Alas, I do have malfunctioning tear ducts, and so I spent the vast majority of this afternoon wishing I COULD just cry… even if it probably would have been rather awkward to do that in class.

While I was enjoying this state of fabulousness, my mini died.  I was updating the anti-virus software, and the entire computer went kaput.  My head is just not in a very good space right now (uh, talk about overstating the obvious…), so I was already having trouble concentrating… but this was totally the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I feel like I am mentally retarded because every single word that came out of my professors’ mouths just went right over my head.

I have never, ever felt so alone as I do when I am surrounded by people (i.e., in class).  Rather than making me feel like a part of a bigger whole, I feel even more like an outsider and a freak than usual.  It kind of makes sense to feel alone if you ARE alone.  If you’re in a group of people, it just does not compute.

I’m sorry that I’m being so whiny lately.  It’s just that I am really anxious and overwhelmed and I hate living in this state of constant panic and uncertainty.  It ruins everything.  Even this…

…which, sadly, was probably the most exciting part of my day (PBJ on sprouted kamut bread!), couldn’t be enjoyed because I can’t eat when I’m anxious.  (By “can’t,” I do not mean that I “don’t.”  I mean that it is difficult to swallow and everything tastes like sawdust.)

Too bad I couldn’t appreciate the return of color, either. 

(And this is the last time I buy such a huge packet of cucumbers; I’m the only one in my house who eats them!)

The fruit fly things, I’m pretty sure, were because of Lisa Ann.  After squashing a dozen of the creatures — literally, twelve — I finally just dumped her back in my co-worker’s office.  She can deal with the dark for a day until he gets back.

Today was V-day… not V for victory, V for vanilla extract

Believe it or not, I’ve never tried real vanilla extract before.  It tasted oddly alcoholic.  (Or not so oddly; it does contain alcohol, after all.)  Anyway, I’m apparently a fan of oatmeal art.  Extra points if you can identify what this is supposed to resemble!

Hi.  I play with my food.

In case you’ve noticed, which I’m sure you haven’t, my posting hour has been growing increasingly later.  This is because, quite frankly, my sleeping sucks right now. I’m living in a perpetual H.A.L.T. state, only I can’t tell anymore what came first.

Just so that I’m not leaving off on a state of total gloom (because even I am sick of myself — it’s exhausting to be unhappy, which explains why I want to crawl into bed forever, but yet I don’t seem to spend much time there at all), here are a couple of things that amused me today.


And when I got home from class, my brother was in my house.  (I have three brothers, and one of them is “the computer wizard.”  That’s the one.)  I sent my mini home with him.  Unfortunately, he tends to take forever with such things… so I hope I have it back within the next month.  Functional, obviously.

Right.  Let’s go try this “sleeping” thing again…

Happy Thursday.

“Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children.”
~Oliver Wendell


8 responses to “Let’s Cry.

  1. Yin yang oatmeal! I like it 🙂

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so rubbish. I know what it’s like to feel completely alone even when you’re surrounded by people – I’ve always felt like that in lectures and other social situations too. And anxiety is a bitch, especially when it makes eating even more difficult than it is normally! I wish I could make it all go away for you.

    I used to find it impossible to cry too. It was extremely rare for me to cry right from the age of about 9 until maybe a month after I got my period back in recovery when I was 25. Then I cried for approximately a month 😛 and now it’s not rare at all, I’m always crying over films and I can’t ever get into a fight with my boyfriend without making a twit out of myself! It’s a bit embarrassing, but it’s quite nice to not feel so pent up all the time. Maybe one day you will rediscover the ability too.

  2. i’ve found, recently, that i cry much more! probably because i’m not avoiding feelings by restricting/ED behaviors, so I’m forced to sit with it all. Makes me feel better afterwards, though!

  3. I think if we combined my propensity towards crying at every opportunity (seriously, yesterday I cried when someone elbowed me inadvertantly on the train…it was packed with people and stuffy and hot and noisy and…yes, I started crying in public. Embarrassing to the max) with your lack of crying I think we would have an excellent balance in terms of expressing emotion.

    I hope you can release some of your negative feelings in the future. It’s difficult to know what to say to help with this because I used to be the same about crying until I basically had a complete breakdown at sixteen…I think the floodgates opened and I’m still compensating/making up for lost time! But internalizing all of those feelings must be so draining. Keeping them in your head probably exacerbates the insomnia too while paradoxically exhausting you…argh, I wish I could write something more contstructive rather than just stating the obvious.

    In lighter matters, your PB&J looks delightful. Hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy the next one.


  4. I wish I couldn’t remember the last time I cried, but my hormones have been all over the place lately I find myself crying all the time. Hmph.

    I looooooove your bowl of oatmeal!! Haha, I just don’t know what that sign is called….peace sign of some sort? Haha, I don’t know but it looks awesome!

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