Long Time No Verbal Vomit

So I have this really awesome video I want to show you, but I am a moron and can’t figure out how to do it; I don’t actually think I can, since I don’t have the Wordpress video upgrade.  Apologies that I can’t embed it and must make due with the thumbnail.  (Click to view.)  It’s called “ההבדל בין המשרד שלך למשרד של הבוס שלך,” which means “the difference between your office and your boss’ office.”


Related to that, though, the move… I must say, it helps to have friends in high places.  😉  Right now, nobody is allowed to move to the warehouse, not until it’s been inspected by the health department.  So, it’s official: we’re moving to the other location, and while I’d rather not move at all, I’ll take it.  Also, Mr. J is switching offices with me because he doesn’t want to put up with “poor air quality.”  So make me suffocate… nice.  I don’t care, though.  I didn’t have any special amount of trouble breathing, and that office is double the size.

happy office pushpin face

But I still prefer the neighborhood we’re in now, and so…

I picked this up in Trader Joe’s as I continue my “farewell tour” of the place.

They remind me a lot of the chewy snacks I used to eat as a kid, only there’s less crap in them.  But they’re still insanely sweet and sticky, and I really don’t like feeling like these things are getting stuck in my teeth!

romaine, roasted rutabaga, kidney beans, roasted cauliflower

Apparently, I am a moron and I can’t cook kidney beans properly.  (Nor can I manage to get rutabaga in the oven without dropping half of it all over the kitchen floor, but that’s another story.)  Hence, I had to try again.

romaine, fetus carrots, whole grain penne, kidney beans, sugar snap peas

I still don’t get it, but evidently I’m not going to die from eating what might be half-cooked beans.  I don’t know — maybe they’re supposed to be less mushy than canned beans?!  And call me crazy, but I like penne a lot more than rotini.  Is it insane to think pasta tastes different because of the shape??  (Speaking of pasta, I am definitely going to have to try the suggestions I received after my last post.)

Making quick work of the Mountain Bread…

Mighty Maple and sugar-free blackberry preserves.  One half was microwaved, one wasn’t; but I don’t remember which one was better.  I also really, really love these preserves.  And I really, really love the Mountain Bread, which means I am in trouble, because they are so expensive.

And on the aforementioned farewell tour of Trader Joe’s, I picked up some broccoli slaw.  I hadn’t realized that I could actually use the stuff, and when I became aware that I could, I just had to try it.

steamed with baby bellas, eaten cold with asian dressing -- i like.

And I tried something I’ve been meaning to try forever and ever, and roasted up some green beans.  I tossed it with Oriental Five Spice Seasoning, which I’d never used before, so I didn’t want to go too heavy with it… consequently, I don’t think I used to enough to know whether I like it.

I wasn’t a big fan of these… they didn’t taste as awesome as most roasted vegetables do, though I have no idea why.

Yesterday, my nutrionist and I compiled the beginnings of a list of “things I need to work on.”  Two of these things are my dislike of eating in public and my fear of fat.

  1. I don’t like eating in front of other people.  Like, I really don’t like it.  I know it’s paranoid of me, but I feel like everyone is staring at me with light bulbs brightening over their heads, thinking, Aha!  So that’s why she’s so fat!  (I’m not vouching for the validity of this thought, I’m just saying that it’s there.)  My therapist tells me that “everybody does it [eat],” so why should I feel self-conscious?  Well.  Everyone goes to the bathroom, too, and you wouldn’t do that in public, would you?!
  2. In my world, fats can be classified into one of three categories: those that I will eat (some nuts and nut butters), those that I dislike (avocado, some nuts, most coconut), and those that scare the living crap out of me (oils, or basically any straight-up 100% fat).  I am not even going to bother to try to figure out why I feel the way I do about that, because it’s irrelevant.  The whole thing is just stupid.

So, this is what is supposed to happen.

  1. It’s coincidental, I guess, but not that long ago I discovered a kosher Indian restaurant which I am told is actually authentic.  I really, really want to try it (and if you know me at all, you’d realize that I do not often admit things like that, since it seems “wrong” or “greedy” somehow).  But I can’t go with family, because it’s a meat restaurant, and they’ll only go to a dairy restaurant.  It doesn’t matter to them that there is both a fish menu and a vegetarian menu!  So, like an idiot who never seems to learn that I am not a desirable person with whom to spend time, I had plans to go there with a friend.  Not that I’m prone to external freakouts anyway, but this friend doesn’t know about my eating disorder, so freaking out wouldn’t be an option, which is a good thing.  Except that, obviously, we never ended up going.  Surprise.  I am so so so so so so so so tired of having to constantly try to do these things and never have them work out; I mean, really, I feel undesirable enough already without asking for constant rejection!  You know what they say about the definition of insanity…
  2. So, about the oil.  I’m supposed to add a teaspoon of it to something three times this week.  I know, I know — a teaspoon of oil really isn’t very much at all.  But my brain doesn’t seem to be comprehending this.

  3. In case there was any doubt about whether I live in a house or in a hotel, I will clarify that I live in a hotel.  It’s a Cousinfest here right now!  (Hence why the idea of going out to eat in the first place was more appealing than usual.)  I’d run away, but my knee hurts.  :p

    Questions: Are kidney beans supposed to be less mushy if made from dried beans, instead of coming out of a can?  And do you think pasta tastes different depending on the shape?

    Have an awesome weekend.

    “He conquers who endures.”


13 responses to “Long Time No Verbal Vomit

  1. I hate the feeling of having things stuck in my teeth, too. Like, even if I’m in the middle of eating something, I have to stop, pick it out, and then resume. Maybe that’s gross. Whatever. haha.
    AND YES – pasta shape is 100% deciding factor as to how much I like it. I’ll admit I don’t think it tastes any different if it’s the same brand, but I really dislike eating spaghetti or agel hair when I can have some like penne or fusilli. fucilli. however you spell it.
    aaaaand i always buy caned beans instead of making them from dry. I know , i know. it’s way more expensive. but considering the cans are still like, buy one get one free every other weekend ad are only $1 to begin with, I think it’ll be okay. and I won’t have beans falling out of the fridge and freezer 😛

  2. I have the same paranoid notion about eating in public. I hate that I feel like a freak shoveling food in my face, yet everyone else looks normal doing it. I can’t explain the irrationality of thinking that but………

    I’d been eating broccoli slaw just straight out of the bag. I had thought about steaming it, but I never did. I guess I’ll have to try it. I don’t have a favorite noodle shape for pasta. I’ve eaten my fair share of mac n cheese over the years though, so I’ll go with whatever noodles those are 🙂

  3. Toootally agree with you on the pasta. I find that texture and shape have a lot to do with the flavour. I bet that if you had some macaroni without the cheese, you’d still taste the cheese because that is the flavour that you’d expect from it.

    Not sure about the kidney beans though, because I’m waaay too lazy to even think about cooking them up myself. I always eat them from a can haha

    I used to be like you when it came to fat and eating in public. Something you can add oil to is pasta, in fact! Honestly, I freaked out when my therapist wanted me to start adding a teaspoon of butter to my bread and such things. I was like, “ARE YOU KIDDING?! A TEASPOON?!!” But when I actually went ahead and did it, my immediate thought was, “OH BUTTER! WHERE THE FRICK HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!” Fat actually makes food taste sooo much better and it makes for a more enjoyable eating experience when you get used to the taste of it.

    I promise you, that you’ll only see good things come from eating more fats 🙂


  4. its so hard for me to eat in front of other people. it takes such strength and courage, yet i always feel so silly that i cant just do something “normal” like eating.

    but its nice to know we’re not alone, no?
    sweet dreams dear.

    remember fats make our hearts pump blood and our brains work hard!

  5. Good for you for trying at least…but perhaps make another effort? Maybe that friend can sense that you don’t really want to go…
    And lol, have you been getting more gassy lately though? I thought that half-cooked beans made you gassy!

  6. Uh, be careful with those kidney beans! I’m sure you know this because you bought them and it usually says on the packaging, but they are actually really dangerous if you don’t cook them properly. They can cause severe vomiting and diarrhoea if the lectin in them isn’t broken down properly by basically boiling the crap out of them! This is why I always buy tinned ones, because I’m a chicken and I KNOW I would poison myself, lol.

    Good luck with your teaspoon challenge. Hopefully this will be one of these things that turns into a big thing and then once you start to face it you wonder what all the fear was about! I remember being so proud of myself for adding a teaspoon of olive oil into some ratatouille at the start of my recovery, and now I just sort of slosh it in straight from the bottle 😛 doesn’t seem to have any effect on my weight at all. Good stuff, fat. My skin, hair and hormones all appreciated me getting over that fear! Fingers crossed that it isn’t too traumatic 🙂 xxx

  7. Hi 🙂
    I can completely empathize with your thoughts about eating out at a restaurant and fearing fats, but I think one important point about restaurant eating is that it can really make food an experience more than just something nourishing, and I think it’s important to make food about more than just health.
    Also, i don’t think different shaped pastas taste different, but their texture makes them different. I HATE penne, but I don’t mind most pastas. haha guess that’s probably a little strange.

  8. I use to be petrified of people watching me eat! I mean petrified, I would make my boyfriend make sure nobody was around when I lived with roomates so I could sneak out to the kitchen to prepare food.I then would RUN back into my room and eat like a hermit. Its better now though but I get twinges of guilt when people see me snacking a lot. I just think they are thinking im eating TOO MUCH damn food..

    anyway, who cares what people are thinking?! You need to eat and NOBODY is thinking your fat. I think its one of those things you need to do repeatedly before it starts to get better..you know?

    I am a bit scared of oils as well. I havent been able to use olive oil in a really long time but I have a feeling it will appear in my life very soo!

    Dana xox

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