Packing Panic

I am notorious for packing-induced panic attacks.

This is currently on my bedroom floor, because the room where they are usually stored is being invaded by my cousins.  Apparently, I chose a good week to get out of here.

Yes, I am taking four cameras on a four-day vacation.  This is a problem, because the Rebel and the underwater camera both take up a lot of space in a carry-on bag, and I really didn’t want to pack my regulator in my checked baggage, but it’s so bulky that I don’t think I’m going to have a choice.  Especially since I need to take a change of clothes and at least one day’s worth of food on board with me, after what happened with my baggage last time.  Honestly, I wouldn’t have to worry about the weight of my bags if not for the stupid food!!  (Or, alternately, I could remove my clothes, but somehow the idea of doing without food appeals to me a lot more than the idea of walking around naked.  Just saying.)

This is giving me a stomachache.  (Of the anxiety variety.)

Brief interlude before I start to ramble again…

Romaine, snow peas, tempeh, baby carrots.  Tempeh + garam masala = awesome combination, in case you were wondering.  But there were other problems involved in the consumption of this.  I’ll get to that.  Or not.

A cucumber is growing in my garden!!

And, because it’s been a few days…

Guess the Mebar!

Now, back to my regularly scheduled rambling.

I don’t feel.  Okay, that’s probably not what I’m trying to say.  I guess I feel; but I am so out of touch with my own emotions that I’ll be damned if I can identify them. I definitely feel something about my niece (hey, “The Wordy Spinster” would make a lovely blog name!), but I haven’t the faintest clue what that is.  I imagine this is the sort of thing otherwise “normal” people might discuss with their friends, but I am not “normal,” and I don’t have any friends with whom I would want to discuss this, since A) it’s a big deep dark secret until Sunday, and B) it would become all about them after five minutes.  Which would just make me feel trivial.

In all the time I have spent in therapy, I have never, ever called a therapist “just because.”  This morning, I did — not because I felt like the world was coming to an end, but to tell her what my dad’s cryptic statement meant.  I thought I was going to leave a message, but to my shock, she answered the phone.  Of course — this shouldn’t surprise me — she wanted to know how I feel about it.  And I want to tear my hair out because I just don’t know.  Or maybe it’s too complicated for me to wrap my little brain around it, and so I’m copping out of owning my feelings??

Proof of the impossibility of this situation is that I just spent ten minutes staring at the blinking cursor because I had no idea what to type next.  I’ll just refer to the garam masala tempeh above: I like roasting things with garam masala because it smells like cinnamon.  And it tastes like cinnamon, but with a little bite.  Which is perfect for my taste buds.  And I like baby carrots, and I like snow peas, so there is no reason for me to have had to choke it down.  This means that I’m obviously not as unaffected as I think I am, right?… And there is a small part of my brain that rejoices in such circumstances, because it’s so easy to just not eat when I feel like that.

However, that will solve nothing and get me nowhere.  So I just can’t get over the irony that today of all days, I actually ate more than I have since the start of that free fall.  I guess I can look at this as a kick in the pants?… That probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I’ve babbled long enough for one day.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and be eaten by a shark!

Happy Thursday.

“The shortest distance between two points is under construction.” 
~Noelie Altito


5 responses to “Packing Panic

  1. I’m not a big fan of packing either… I’m always afraid that I’m not going to have something that I need, so I always take way more than I end up using… honestly, I think about 2/3’s of the contents of my suitcase never end up getting used. Better safe than sorry though, right? 🙂

    And I can totally relate to not exactly being able to feel… or not knowing how you feel about something. I’ve been bottling up my emotions for so long, that most of the time it’s hard for me to tell that something is even affecting me at all. My body knows, though, and I end up having to deal with tense muscles, sleepless nights, stomach aches, and all the other wonderful signs of anxiety…

  2. There’s a technical term for finding it difficult to recognise your emotions, it’s part of the symptom profile of anorexia and other mental health problems like depression. I think it’s more of a biological thing than an emotional one, as weird as that sounds – it’s something that people with eating disorders seem to have in them from a very young age, part of the predisposition for the illness. I remember being unable to cry when my first dog died when I was nine, and I wasn’t trying to be strong or thinking that showing emotion was a weakness, I wasn’t bottling things up as such, it was just like my brain seized up. Lol sorry that was a very deep and morbid tangent 😛 basically, you’re not alone!

    I really hope you enjoy your break! Please try not to get eaten by a shark, I would miss you a lot. Looking forward to the photos already 🙂

  3. I’d really rather you didn’t get eaten by a shark!

    As Katie says, emotional ‘restriction’ and restriction of food often go hand in hand…in my case it’s the opposite, where I seem to ‘feel’ too intensely and my emotions just spill out without warning…which is reflected in my overeating.

    You’ll win the packing battle! You always do 🙂



  4. I hate packing and what ends up happening I pack useless things I never end up needing and forget something important.
    That IS weird that she answered! I have had over ten therapists in my life and I dont think I ever got them to answer. I thinks its as rare as a lottery win.
    Katie pretty much covered the ED stuff I wanted to mention so I wont repeat it.
    I hope you have a good trip, ooo and the mebar! umm…..chocolate chia seed?

  5. Pingback: Peanut Butter Prownies |

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