Success + Existential Crisis

I have achieved imitation Larabar success!  😀  I’m calling it the Mebar.  (Well, not quite.  The “Me” part is actually my name, but then we can just call it the “Paranoidbar,” which doesn’t sound like something anyone should want to eat, so never mind…)

This is peanut butter chocolate chip again.  Does it taste like the “real thing”?  I have no idea, and I’ll probably never know (unless someone who can have the Larabar tries mine too and tells me!), so it doesn’t matter.  It was actually pretty good!  I decided to try using my food processor — worst case scenario would be that I’d just have to wash it.  Provided that it didn’t explode, of course.  I dumped in my ingredients (dates, peanuts, chocolate chips), turned it on, and immediately thought, Oh no, what have I done?!  The thing went crazy.  But it settled down after a few seconds, and I wound up with something resembling a meal at the bottom of the processor bowl.  I scraped it out and put it in a baggie, shaped it into a bar, and put it in the freezer.  Then I decided to make a version of the chocolate chip cookie dough and chocolate chip brownie, too, since I was going to have to wash out the food processor anyway.  Those are still in my freezer.  They’ll appear on here… eventually!

Pardon me while I have a miniature existential crisis… I got my credit card bill today.  It includes both my vacation and my regulator.  As a result, even though I got paid today and deposited the entire amount in my checking account (as opposed to savings, even though they’re both checking accounts, but let’s not get into that), I’m going to have to transfer more money in order to be able to cover the bill.  That.  Sucks.  And I don’t even know why I mentioned this, since this isn’t at all the “existential crisis” to which I was referring.

I retain my title as the Queen of the Colorless Salad:

Romaine, roasted artichokes, tofu, and broccoli.  Final conclusion: I don’t think I like artichokes.

The “existential crisis” is that while I don’t think I’m a genius by any means, I do have a mind that needs to be working 24/7.  If I don’t give it something to do, it takes off on its own… and it can go to very, very bad places.  Thus, it is essential that I keep my brain engaged at all times.  My job very often cannot do that for me.  It’s bad enough that I am sometimes bored almost to the point of wanting to poke out my own eyeballs!  The thing is, it’s not like I can point to something else and say, “That is what I want to do with my life!”  I’m sure it wouldn’t be easy to just say, Oh well … so I just spent thousands and thousands of dollars on this degree, but I don’t feel like using it, so I’ll just go find another thing to do.  But I’m not even in a position to say that anyway, because I. Have. No. Freaking. Clue.

I’m really afraid that it might just be me, and that I’ll never be satisfied with anything I do.  That maybe I’m incapable of contentment.

Except that when I think of what I will hopefully be doing in twenty-one days…

…I realize that statement isn’t true.  But I can’t spend my life diving, much as I wish I could!

At this point, I would generally indulge myself with some verbal vomit.  But I think I am just going to save that for tomorrow.  Because I am feeling too lazy.  You’ll get over it, I’m sure.

Question of the day: Do you know what you want to do with your life?  How on earth did you figure it out??

Happy Tuesday.

“A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.” 
~Colette
(Not quite sure what I think of that!)

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12 responses to “Success + Existential Crisis

  1. I have yet to decide on what I want to do with my life. Whenever I start to talk about how frustrated I am that I can’t decide, most people just assure me I’m still too young to have to know by now, but I don’t think so. I feel like most everyone around me knows what they want and has plans to put into action.

    As much as you love diving and love your fish and aquarium, it’s no wonder you haven’t looked into some kind of marine biology career. The best jobs are one where you can get paid to do what you love!

    ❤ Tori

  2. I must have been convinced that I knew what I wanted to do with my life about 100 times already. I’d get really excited about something, pursue it full force for a little while, then realize it wasn’t for me and start looking for something else. Right now I have my sights set on pursuing something in the health/nutrition field, and hopefully that will last because I’m pretty sure that I need to start actually doing something with my life 😉

    You seem to love fishies and diving. I’m actually surprised you didn’t pursue a career in the marine biology field…

  3. ummmmmmm YOU HAVE TO DO A MEBAR GIVEAWAY haha. or at least possibly a recipe for this bad boy so i can copy (steal) it. reminds me of an eatmore bar which were one of my fav candy bars growing up!

    urgh.. i dread dread dread credit cards. i used to have no self control… eek.

    xoxo ❤

  4. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life either, but I know several people who have realised and changed directions in their mid-20s, even after already having been through university. Maybe careers are like falling in love. Some people insist that love at first sight is possible, but I was friends with both my long term boyfriends for a couple of years before I started trying to seduce them 😛 I think you need to really know someone before you can love them, and equally I wouldn’t expect to know what I wanted to do career wise unless I had some experience of it already. My approach to my career indecision is to try and keep as many options open as possible – I’m doing my physics degree whilst training as a counsellor, and there are quite a few arty things that I think I could make some money out of if I decided to change direction entirely (giving poi classes has crossed my mind more than once). I’m not particularly concerned about money, I don’t mind being broke as long as I can pay my rent and buy food, and I don’t have any major responsibilities, so I think it’s a good time for me to mess about and see which idea I end up falling in love with 🙂

    Your *insertnamehere*bars look great!

  5. ~Jessica Zara~

    Hehe…the ‘real’ name of the mebar would sound brilliant. I think you should consider marketing them…and I am highly impressed by the neatness of said bar. When I tried that sort of thing they ended up looking like individual smushy messes.

    I share your existential crisis (and ‘dangerous’ brain patterns…honestly, boredom + me= utter self-destruction). I wish I did have a ‘calling’ or vocation in life but sadly the things I err towards are just not practical in terms of earning a living, it seems. And I too feel somewhat irritated that I have effectively wasted money on a degree that has gotten me no-where.

    It’s so easy to find things we don’t want to do and aren’t right, but so much more difficult to know what WOULD be.

    I hope the diving at least brings you some peace.

    *hugs* and thanks so much for your last comment.

    ~Jess~
    xxxxxxxx

  6. Yeah, the food processor didn’t explode! That bar looks soooo good. I need to buy peanuts instead of cashews.

    I don’t know what I want to do…still searching :p

  7. i have no idea what i want to do with my life, and let me tell you, i’ve driven myself insane over it. it’s hard for me to accept myself for who and where I am and be patient with this process we call life.

    I fear the future. I fear I’ll never be content. But as FDR said, ‘the only thing we have to fear is fear itself’. we must trust that there is a life worth living just waiting for us– in the end, i truly believe it comes down to fate and destiny.

    keep on doing what you’re doing– you’ll get to where you’re meant to be

    have a marvelous day!
    love
    becca

  8. Your Larabars look like the real ones! They look sooo yummy and all those speckled nuts in there are making me jump up and down on my seat! 😀

    At this point, I still have no inkling on what I want to do with my life (at least not in the long term). I have plans for the next 2 years after college, that is, if my “plan” works out. But after those 2 years…nada. Sometimes, though, I think you just need to give in to fate and see what comes your way. Searching continuously may burn you out. Instead, live in the present and enjoy what you have now. When the time is ripe, you’ll know.

  9. I kind of like the “Mebar” name 🙂 I do know what I want to do with my life in general–be a professor/researcher in my field–but part of me is also pulled to teach yoga (during the professor/researcher part) and possibly do clinical work down the road….I don’t know. I think. for me, it is more of what I am going to do to keep balance and have fun. Specifics–I do not know!

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