So, I had a pretty awesome lunch today.

Romaine, kabocha (roasted with paprika, chili powder, and seasoned salt), edamame, Brussels sprouts (roasted with seasoned salt)

Edamame and roasted kabocha is probably one of my favorite combinations ever.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t really enjoy it, because it was very difficult to swallow against the guilt.

Guilt for what?  Well… remember when I mentioned yesterday that I had  something semi-exciting on my agenda for today?  It was a trip to this place.

I must have passed by it dozens of times, so I have no idea how I never realized it was there.

I could blow a few thousand bucks in this place, easy.  (Not to mention the store downstairs… this building is dangerous.)  When I left, I was carrying a bag loaded down with this:

Sherwood Oasis Regulator
Sherwood Dual Octopus
Genesis Compact Console
Regulator Bag

The prices weren’t the same as what you see in the links… I don’t know what’s up with that.  But I definitely did not spend over $400 on a regulator alone.  However.  I did spend a shocking amount of money.  So much so that I neglected to have them assemble it for me, lest the guilt become too much and I have to return it and pay a disassembly fee.

This happens to me every single time I spend a substantial amount of money on myself.  I feel like I need to justify it… I don’t really spend money on other things aside from diving.  I can excuse it as an early birthday present. You get the idea.

Part of this is probably due to the way I was raised: I had it drilled into my skull to save, save, save.  While this is undoubtedly a better philosophy than spend, spend, spend, the result is that I make money, I put it in my savings account, and then it is “untouchable” to me, so it’s like I don’t have any money at all.  For what am I saving, I’d like to know?!  Nobody ever really bothered to explain that part.  And whenever I spend money on something I love — that is, diving — the guilt is only compounded by the fact that my family deems it a “waste of money.”  While I will tell them, obstinately, that it is my money and I can do with it what I want, I can’t help internalizing the message that I do not deserve it.

So then, as I do, I got to thinking too much about this.  And I realized that while the “excuses” I mentioned might very well be legitimate, they are absolutely unnecessary. Why should one feel the need for justification in such cases?  This isn’t even only pertaining to this particular instance; it’s an overarching theme in my life, this urge to rationalize why I should deserve to do something.

There are a few people at my workplace with whom I feel comfortable discussing such things, and all of them told me variations of the same thing: money is meant to be spent; I’m going to get good use out of it; I’m doing it because it is something that I love.  All of these things, however, seem to be eradicated the moment I hear my mom tell me that you have nothing to do with your money.  I hate that my parents’ opinion has the power to do that to me, but you know what?   Affirmation of the day: I am worth it.

And, apparently, worth this too.

Double chocolate chip muffin topper with Barney butter and a side of crossword.  The latter of which is infinitely more exciting.  😉

I’m sure this doesn’t come as a surprise, but the girl who opened the gym today was late.  I wouldn’t even mention it, because it is so typical, except that we were greeted by this sight when she finally did arrive.

Now there’s something you don’t see every day.  Incidentally, I am going to apparently have to schedule regular calls to customer service — not that it makes a difference.  The person with whom I spoke today had such a hard time grasping the concept that I was calling about two different locations.  Yes, yesterday I was at X and she never showed up, and today I was at Y and she came late!  Is that really so hard to believe?!  ARGH!!

Tomorrow is a fast day.  Guess who is being sacrilegious?  (Surprise, surprise!)  I was actually glad that it fell out on a Tuesday, because I just know that Mr. J is going to make some sort of stupid obnoxious comment about the fact that I am eating on a fast day, and so I was happy that I would be meeting my friend for lunch.  But she isn’t here, because she’s scouting out apartments near her law school.  Guess I shall have to endure some idiocy… oh, wait, I do that every day.  (A gem from last week: how much do postage stamps cost these days?  Dude.  Did you seriously get up from in front of your computer to come ask me that??  Couldn’t you just have looked it up??)

Have a lovely Tuesday.

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”
~Raymond Hull


10 responses to “Justifications

  1. traynharder23

    You are worthy..

    You have been worthy, You will be worthy!”

    -The Universe.

    i like that quote. you deserve it, and don’t listen to that comment on your status. =D i defended you.


    roasted kabocha i bet tastes much better than my mom’s attempt at japanese style. it tastes so starchy her way.

    and wtf? re: teh picture of teh elliptical. how. strange. =/

  2. LeisurePro is who we ordered all our dive stuff from!!! they have the best prices and service…wow, the actual!!! building, so cool to see where we dropped thousands of dollars.

    So happy for you about your finds!!

    Spending money on ourselves…trust me, with 1 income and 3 people, debt, real estate hell, and a child to feed and living in So Cal, I cringe every time I buy myself new shoes. It’s like I live in my Nikes and need them and they need to be replaced frequently but I always feel I dont deserve them etc etc. I didnt used to be this way but life is diff now than it was and i feel i “should” be this way. Sigh.

    Anyway congrats on your goods!!!

  3. ~Jessica Zara~

    I tend to approach shopping/buying things the same way I do food. I’ll muddle along not buying anything for ages and then suddenly go on a mad spree where I can’t stop myself from getting a particular product/s and then feel incredibly guilty about it. I hate wasting money yet seem to do it with alarming frequency. I think the only thing I never feel guilty about is running shoes, because it’s my absolute passion. Diving is the same for you: it seems to be the only thing which brings you any degree of happiness. Therefore, you deserve to spend as much as you want on it. It most certainly is not a waste.

    Kabocha looks lovely ~ they appear to have disappeared from shops over here 😦


  4. if you save save save save save, you should spend (not spend spend spend spend spend). you definitely dont need to justify treating yourself – there’s NOTHING WRONG with actually enjoying yourself!

  5. ironically enough i feel similar about money. in fact i think it was because ive seen so much excessive spending in my family.. aunts, uncles, etc. lose all their money through gambling addictions, alcohol etc.

    i decided saving my money and im trying to get out of that habit of excessive saving which most people i tell just look at me strange for. but if u become a saver and spend a considerable amount of time doing so, i think its just as hard as someone who cant stop spending. it feels like an addiction sometimes. but its something i have to learn before i live on my own because i’ll be having to spend some of my own moola.. which terrifies me actually 😛

    xoxo ❤

  6. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    you ARE worth it. I am so glad you are able to recognize the power your parent’s words have over you, because that is the first step in overcoming that power. I know you will spend your money in the ways that make you happy 🙂 you honestly are smarter than you know!!


  7. Yumm edamame is the best. I must try it with kabocha! And food just tastes better with a crossword 🙂

  8. I know how hard it is to eat on ‘fast days’. In buddhism we have a day once a month were we only eat lunch. Then once a year we do a two day fast with NO water. This year I obviously did not participate but boy did my ED make me feel terrible about it. I hope next year im more confident in my choices and dont feel so bad about something that dumb. I’m just taking care of myself and being healthy, there is no reason to feel bad.

    Dana xoxo

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