At some point late Sunday night / early Monday morning, someone sneaked into my room, whacked a cleaver into my skull, and left it there. At least, that’s what it felt like when I woke up at 1.30 AM. So I went downstairs, popped some ibuprofen, and attempted to go back to sleep. Around 3.30, I woke up to discover that the cleaver had nestled itself even deeper, and I oh-so-brilliantly realized that it was a migraine. It’s hard for me to figure that out in the middle of the night, because I don’t have the aura to guide me! I brought out the big guns, which also means a caffeine infusion — not so conducive to sleep, but I’d rather be a little short on sleep than walk around with my head dangling by a thread all day.
That turned out for the best, though, since I could not fall asleep on Monday night. Finally drifting off close to 1.00 AM when you have a 3.30 wake-up call? Yes, that’s not fun. I thought that since it had worked so well at keeping me awake the day before, I would take some Excedrin Migraine for just that purpose. Did the trick. Yes, I misuse OTC medications upon occasion. What can I do if they’re better for a purpose other than that for which they were originally intended??
That was all an extremely long-winded way of explaining why I skipped posting last night: sleep took precedence. Let’s pretend that I got a quality eight hours, even though that would be an erroneous assumption. Then there is my tendency to withdraw when I feel especially crappy. And the I can’t post pictures of food thing, as explained below. Whatever, I have to thank those of you who responded to my last post. Each comment was, if undeserved, still genuinely appreciated.
Some pictures to break up what would otherwise be (and probably still is, anyway) an endless stream of text:
It is kind of mortifying for me to post a photo of food when I feel like I shouldn’t / don’t deserve / don’t need to eat. People gain weight, and then they go on “diets” to lose said weight, so WTF am I doing?? Oh, wait, that’s text. More on that later.
Romaine, roasted acorn squash, roasted eggplant, seitan, alfalfa sprouts. I wanted to include some of my lettuce, but that’s up on the third floor, which was invaded by my cousins, so I had to settle for some home-sprouted alfalfa seeds instead.
First raspberries of the season for me! 😀 Why must they be so expensive?
This, which apparently now goes by the flavor name of just “mango,” was surprisingly good, considering the fact that I don’t even like mango.
This is what happens when your friend refuses to confirm until the very last second: you get lazy and do the strangest things for lunch. Such as dumping baby broccoli blend vegetables over whole grain rotini and calling it a day.
And snapping random weird pictures while waiting for said friend, because, of course, she is late.
That is one thing I won’t miss. But I will miss actually having human contact. Which is a very weird thing for me to admit, and I hate to admit it, but it’s true. (No, Mr. J does not count as human.)
Remembering the banana-on-the-bureau incident, I bought some extra bananas this week. Of course, my cousins only ate one of them, so I had to find a way to use the rest.
The last of the Leapin’ Lemurs cereal with almond milk and half of a banana… in a new, microwave-safe, pretty much unbreakable bowl that isn’t the size of my thumb! This is a very exciting development. And because I am so talented that I could somehow manage to destroy it, it’s even better that it came in a four-pack.
Oh, yeah, my cousins are finally gone. So is my yogurt, but I’d say that’s a fair tradeoff.
Romaine, Grand Rapids leaf lettuce, roasted broccoli, Smart Sausages Chorizo Style, raw corn. I really like these “sausages,” but I already have a package of the Italian Style waiting in my refrigerator.
Okay, that’s enough of these disgusting displays of gluttony. (I still can’t believe I’m actually posting this.) Back to spewing out words…
As I was saying, I have trouble with the whole “eating to maintain” concept. Weight either goes down, which means it has to come back up; or it goes up, which means it has to come back down. Or so the reasoning goes. I always thought this was purely a logical matter, but apparently it isn’t, because I wouldn’t feel guilty about it if it was just based on logic. I also didn’t think I placed so much stock in my weight — I mean, yes, I know that I definitely care, but I didn’t think that I was under the impression that that is all I am worth. Apparently, I was mistaken. I know the “more than just a number” spiel, but you know what? I really don’t think I am. Or, alternatively, whatever I really am is worse than any number could ever be, and I just don’t want to face that.
My nutritionist told me that if I’m “very nervous” about it, I can come by sometime before my next appointment to make sure that I’m not morphing into Babar’s bigger brother. This requires a car. I asked my dad if I could borrow the car, because I know he won’t cross-examine me the way my mom will. Just my luck, he told me to run it by my mom. A lovely conversation ensued as a result. I have a somewhat selective memory, so much of the insults have already departed from my brain, but my mom just had to get a few digs in there, because she’s just like that. Let’s see… I don’t see that it’s helping; I thought you were supposed to be getting better, instead you’re getting worse; why do you have to go, why are you nervous, you lost weight?; and when I (cattily) asked her if she felt better now that she had insulted me, she said that I don’t see why I should keep my mouth closed, it doesn’t help if I do, I can say whatever I want. Yes, Mother Dearest. Whatever. I’m going to take that as a “Yes, you can borrow the car.” Speaking to my mom is like using a foreign language… she never says anything outright!
I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. One would assume this is a good thing right now. But according to my oh-so-brilliant mind, I don’t deserve / need to go because I’m “all fixed.” Faulty reasoning, I guess. Hey, isn’t the brain supposed to be made up of mostly fat?? What is that all about, then!? Either way, this master communicator will be “just fine,” I am sure. Because I don’t know if this is really possible, but I am pretty bad at therapy.
Okay. I’ll shut my trap now. Enjoy your Thursday!
“I’m afraid that if my devils leave me, my angels will take flight as well.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke
(So, so, so true)