Ramble To End All Rambles

At some point late Sunday night / early Monday morning, someone sneaked into my room, whacked a cleaver into my skull, and left it there.  At least, that’s what it felt like when I woke up at 1.30 AM.  So I went downstairs, popped some ibuprofen, and attempted to go back to sleep.  Around 3.30, I woke up to discover that the cleaver had nestled itself even deeper, and I oh-so-brilliantly realized that it was a migraine.  It’s hard for me to figure that out in the middle of the night, because I don’t have the aura to guide me!  I brought out the big guns, which also means a caffeine infusion — not so conducive to sleep, but I’d rather be a little short on sleep than walk around with my head dangling by a thread all day.

That turned out for the best, though, since I could not fall asleep on Monday night.  Finally drifting off close to 1.00 AM when you have a 3.30 wake-up call?  Yes, that’s not fun.  I thought that since it had worked so well at keeping me awake the day before, I would take some Excedrin Migraine for just that purpose.  Did the trick.  Yes, I misuse OTC medications upon occasion.  What can I do if they’re better for a purpose other than that for which they were originally intended??

That was all an extremely long-winded way of explaining why I skipped posting last night: sleep took precedence.  Let’s pretend that I got a quality eight hours, even though that would be an erroneous assumption. Then there is my tendency to withdraw when I feel especially crappy. And the I can’t post pictures of food thing, as explained below. Whatever, I have to thank those of you who responded to my last post.  Each comment was, if undeserved, still genuinely appreciated.

Some pictures to break up what would otherwise be (and probably still is, anyway) an endless stream of text:

It is kind of mortifying for me to post a photo of food when I feel like I shouldn’t / don’t deserve / don’t need to eat.  People gain weight, and then they go on “diets” to lose said weight, so WTF am I doing??  Oh, wait, that’s text.  More on that later.

Romaine, roasted acorn squash, roasted eggplant, seitan, alfalfa sprouts.  I wanted to include some of my lettuce, but that’s up on the third floor, which was invaded by my cousins, so I had to settle for some home-sprouted alfalfa seeds instead.

First raspberries of the season for me!  😀  Why must they be so expensive?

This, which apparently now goes by the flavor name of just “mango,” was surprisingly good, considering the fact that I don’t even like mango.

This is what happens when your friend refuses to confirm until the very last second: you get lazy and do the strangest things for lunch.  Such as dumping baby broccoli blend vegetables over whole grain rotini and calling it a day.

And snapping random weird pictures while waiting for said friend, because, of course, she is late.

That is one thing I won’t miss.  But I will miss actually having human contact.  Which is a very weird thing for me to admit, and I hate to admit it, but it’s true.  (No, Mr. J does not count as human.)

Remembering the banana-on-the-bureau incident, I bought some extra bananas this week.  Of course, my cousins only ate one of them, so I had to find a way to use the rest.

The last of the Leapin’ Lemurs cereal with almond milk and half of a banana… in a new, microwave-safe, pretty much unbreakable bowl that isn’t the size of my thumb!  This is a very exciting development.  And because I am so talented that I could somehow manage to destroy it, it’s even better that it came in a four-pack.

Oh, yeah, my cousins are finally gone.  So is my yogurt, but I’d say that’s a fair tradeoff.

Romaine, Grand Rapids leaf lettuce, roasted broccoli, Smart Sausages Chorizo Style, raw corn. I really like these “sausages,” but I already have a package of the Italian Style waiting in my refrigerator.

Okay, that’s enough of these disgusting displays of gluttony.  (I still can’t believe I’m actually posting this.)  Back to spewing out words…

As I was saying, I have trouble with the whole “eating to maintain” concept.  Weight either goes down, which means it has to come back up; or it goes up, which means it has to come back down.  Or so the reasoning goes.  I always thought this was purely a logical matter, but apparently it isn’t, because I wouldn’t feel guilty about it if it was just based on logic.  I also didn’t think I placed so much stock in my weight — I mean, yes, I know that I definitely care, but I didn’t think that I was under the impression that that is all I am worth.  Apparently, I was mistaken.  I know the “more than just a number” spiel, but you know what?  I really don’t think I am.  Or, alternatively, whatever I really am is worse than any number could ever be, and I just don’t want to face that.

My nutritionist told me that if I’m “very nervous” about it, I can come by sometime before my next appointment to make sure that I’m not morphing into Babar’s bigger brother.  This requires a car.  I asked my dad if I could borrow the car, because I know he won’t cross-examine me the way my mom will.  Just my luck, he told me to run it by my mom.  A lovely conversation ensued as a result.  I have a somewhat selective memory, so much of the insults have already departed from my brain, but my mom just had to get a few digs in there, because she’s just like that.  Let’s see… I don’t see that it’s helping; I thought you were supposed to be getting better, instead you’re getting worse; why do you have to go, why are you nervous, you lost weight?; and when I (cattily) asked her if she felt better now that she had insulted me, she said that I don’t see why I should keep my mouth closed, it doesn’t help if I do, I can say whatever I want.  Yes, Mother Dearest.  Whatever.  I’m going to take that as a “Yes, you can borrow the car.”  Speaking to my mom is like using a foreign language… she never says anything outright!

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow.  One would assume this is a good thing right now.  But according to my oh-so-brilliant mind, I don’t deserve / need to go because I’m “all fixed.”  Faulty reasoning, I guess.  Hey, isn’t the brain supposed to be made up of mostly fat??  What is that all about, then!?  Either way, this master communicator will be “just fine,” I am sure.  Because I don’t know if this is really possible, but I am pretty bad at therapy.

Okay.  I’ll shut my trap now.  Enjoy your Thursday!

“I’m afraid that if my devils leave me, my angels will take flight as well.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke
(So, so, so true)

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7 responses to “Ramble To End All Rambles

  1. maintaining weight is always the hardest i find. seriously.. i dont see how people could find it easy to do. and mentally its almost harder to maintain than to gain dont u find? its so weird!!!

    i really hope u can find a way to find a balance with it. i know its so hard for you and i can just be like “im going to wave a wand to help you” because i know its never gonig to be like that. luv u girl. thanks for being open in ur blog posts, i really appreciate learning from you and your journey, if that makes sense.

    xoxo ❤

  2. ~Jessica Zara~

    Migraines at night are terrible ~ I’m so sorry you had to experience one, but at least your strategy managed to alleviate it before it deteriorated too badly.

    Just read through your last post and this one and I know I do the same thing and these words will fall on deaf ears but I wish with all my heart that you would stop calling yourself such terrible things. ‘Pig’, elephant analogies, all of these things are just so unjustified and it’s harrowing to read. I love that you’re honest. I love that you don’t sugar coat things, and echo my feelings about how bloody hard and hideous to deal with weight gain is, because yes, it does suck in every sense. But it’s not a reflection of you being any kind of heffalump: you are choosing to do this. It’s not out of your control, it’s not a result of greed, the food you are posting still looks like the portions and type of food that someone eating to lose weight would have and it’s just not necessary to keep insulting yourself this way.

    I don’t understand how to maintain either: every time I try, I get scared that +1lb will automatically equal +30 or more. There is gaining and losing, and anything in between seems unfathomable. People who gain weight and then lose it are generally in the normal range or overweight to start with. NONE of these ‘rules’ apply to you.

    Again, your Mum may be frustrated with seeing you go round in circles so much: I know mine is with me.

    On a lighter note, I love mango and would adore that gelato if was non-dairy (is that possible for gelato?)

    I just hope today is a better one for you.

    xxx

  3. ^^ I second what Jessica said. I really wish you would stop being so hard on yourself for taking responsibility for your health and doing what’s right for your body. You are absolutely in no way gluttonous, and calling yourself an elephant is the hugest joke, and I’d laugh myself sick if I wasn’t so heartbroken over the fact that you’re being serious about it 😦 Everyone needs to eat to live, girl, and you’re no different. You deserve food and you deserve life – a healthy one ❤

  4. I know what Jess means about thinking that 1lb will turn into 30! That was what foiled my recovery attempt in 2008 – I cut my intake down with every little fluctuation. This time when it came to maintenence I made myself stick to a rule of not reacting to fluctuations – I told myself I’d only change my intake if I gained for three weeks in a row. So far this has yet to happen, one pound up usually turns into one pound down the next week, and I’m still eating the same amount as I did when I got to my target in January. So yeah, maintenence is really hard, and it’s quite a mind bending concept at first. But it’s not impossible.

    Also, yes, the brain is 60-70% fat! But it takes a while for the damage caused to brain structure/chemistry by anorexia to reverse itself, and then there’s the not so small matter of huge amounts of anxiety rushing in to take the place vacated by the eating disorder. I have given up on ever having decent cognitive function 😉 but hey, the benefits of recovery make up for that in my eyes.

  5. Gluttony?!! GLUTTONY?! Sweet Jesus, girl…most people would think you are undereating. Have you seen the things I eat? Even so, I don’t find myself “gluttonous”. We’re humans. We need food. We need fuel.

    Maintaining weight is a tough thing indeed, but nobody really maintains. We all lose/gain lbs each week, but nobody details it down and obsesses about it, so everything really averages out and nobody notices.

    you in NO way is a glutton. In fact, I wish you were more of a glutton than you are now. Not just for food, but for life. For happiness. For freedom. For hope.

  6. oh sweetie, please know how beautiful and special you are — and it has NOTHING to do with your weight. stay strong and keep fighting!! i know how hard it is, but we must keep going if we want to recover fully.

  7. I’m late to commenting, catching up on blogs, sorry for tardiness! But I just wanted to mention that I TOTALLY commiserate with you on the anxiety that if weight is not going down, it must be going up. But truly your body is smarter than that. If you treat it well consistently, it will learn that it doesn’t have to hoard food and your weight WILL settle out. When I in my main weight restoration period, about every certain number of pounds or so I would hit a plateau that my weight just wouldn’t budge above until I added even more food to my mp. I know that we read about how “eating just X more every day can add Y pounds over the course of the year,” but really your system doesn’t work like that, it will adjust. Trust your team and your body, they want what’s best for you!

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