This is  not a post that should be happening.  I need to wake up at 3.30 tomorrow morning, and it is nearly 11.00 PM.  I should be asleep.  Instead, here I am.

Warning: negativity ahead.  If you are bothered by that, do not read any further.

I saw my nutritionist tonight.  I was extremely anxious about this appointment, because it was the second-to-last one before she leaves for the summer… at which point I need to be at X in order to continue seeing her, as I’ve mentioned in the past.  Unfortunately or fortunately for me, when I am anxious, I drink.  (Not alcohol!!)  This probably added a couple of pounds, even though I was not intentionally trying to water-load.  Either way, I did it.  I got to X.

I suppose I should be proud of this.  But I am just utterly disgusted — I am now a verified farm animal.  (I say “farm animal” because both a pig and a cow seem appropriate, and I don’t want to play favorites.)  This is a major shock, I am sure (insert sarcasm here), but I don’t exactly have the best self-esteem in the world.  I hate it when people whine about things like that, which is why I try not to do it, and why I haven’t said anything about it on the blog, but I have really been struggling with that over the past few days — just feeling worthless and useless and completely incapable of anything at all.  Good to know that I am capable of at least one thing… getting fat.  Oh, wait, I already knew that.  Never mind.

Logically, I can acknowledge that I probably can’t really be “fat,” since X isn’t even my ultimate “ideal goal weight,” just an arbitrary number that is supposed to keep me from jumping off a rooftop or dropping dead, I suppose.  But emotionally, that actually doesn’t make me feel any better… quite the opposite, in fact, because if I look this huge now, how much worse will it be after another X pounds?!  I would lovelovelovelovelovelovelove to get out of my skin right now.

To overstate the glaringly obvious with the understatement of the century, I am really, really not liking myself very much at present.  And this pity party is ending right now, because my alarm clock is ringing in four and a half hours.


9 responses to “Honestly…

  1. Oh, hun, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with these kind of feelings right now 😦 I can definitely relate to wanting to jump out of my skin not being able to fathom the thought of gaining even more weight if it already felt so bad… but you have to remember that you’ve had a sick, underweight body for so long that it’s what you’re used to, and anything even remotely closer to normal feels incredibly huge when, in reality, anyone who looks at you is almost certainly thinking that you’re still way too thin.

    You’re not capable of getting fat, because getting fat is NOT what you’re doing. You’re fighting to recover an ED, and you’re winning the battles. Your worth isn’t tied to the number on the scale, and it doesn’t go down if the number goes up, so you have no reason to feel worthless and useless. Incapable? Please. Look at the progress you’re making. Look at the strength you’re showing.

    All of these self-defeating thoughts are only the damned lies of your ED, and as such, they don’t have an ounce of truth. Stay strong, love. You’re amazing.

  2. 😦 I’m so sorry that ur feeling like this, and it sounds incredibly overwhelming and icky. the truth is that no you’re not fat and even you realize that ur thinking is unrealistic and off- but its the feelings of gaining and being in a new skin that feels really horrible. its so hard to say that u’ll feel better soon because we both know its about a journey and its so hard. even tho its a weight u needed to get to, its the reality of getting there and wondering what it means. try ur best to see it as an opportunity to challenge urself and see urself as healthy and that in time u will feel but easier in ur skin.

    i commend you tho and am SO PROUD that you reached the milestone even tho it feels more of a burden right now. but ur allowed to feel angry and disgusted and ashamed.. those are valid feelings and thoughts… but remember that they are only thoughts and feelings; not reality! cuz you are neither of those things!!

    it will get better though…in time.

    xoxo ❤

  3. oh sweetie — please stay strong!! you are so beautiful and ED is going to try to tell you that is not true, but don’t listen to him! you are so much strong than this and you have so much more to live for other than this disease.
    i love you!

  4. I’m so so sorry you are feeling like this. Keep your head up and stay strong. It seems like you know these feelings and thoughts aren’t logical, but believe me, I know it doesn’t make them seem any less correct or powerful. You are stronger than this, and you can beat it. I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. You dont look huge, you might feel it but you dont look it. I can definitely relate to the feelings, I feel the same way and I worry a lot about how on earth I`ll manage to cope with the feelings as I progress.
    Sometimes something that helps me actually is when I look at girls who are normal healthy weights and I think they look good, I can remind myself well if they weight about x amount and I think they look good then I`ll be fine as well, if that makes any sense?

    I know they are hard to ignore and push through but remember thats all they are, thoughts, they arent reality.

  6. Thinking of you, L.

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