This is not a post that should be happening. I need to wake up at 3.30 tomorrow morning, and it is nearly 11.00 PM. I should be asleep. Instead, here I am.
Warning: negativity ahead. If you are bothered by that, do not read any further.
I saw my nutritionist tonight. I was extremely anxious about this appointment, because it was the second-to-last one before she leaves for the summer… at which point I need to be at X in order to continue seeing her, as I’ve mentioned in the past. Unfortunately or fortunately for me, when I am anxious, I drink. (Not alcohol!!) This probably added a couple of pounds, even though I was not intentionally trying to water-load. Either way, I did it. I got to X.
I suppose I should be proud of this. But I am just utterly disgusted — I am now a verified farm animal. (I say “farm animal” because both a pig and a cow seem appropriate, and I don’t want to play favorites.) This is a major shock, I am sure (insert sarcasm here), but I don’t exactly have the best self-esteem in the world. I hate it when people whine about things like that, which is why I try not to do it, and why I haven’t said anything about it on the blog, but I have really been struggling with that over the past few days — just feeling worthless and useless and completely incapable of anything at all. Good to know that I am capable of at least one thing… getting fat. Oh, wait, I already knew that. Never mind.
Logically, I can acknowledge that I probably can’t really be “fat,” since X isn’t even my ultimate “ideal goal weight,” just an arbitrary number that is supposed to keep me from jumping off a rooftop or dropping dead, I suppose. But emotionally, that actually doesn’t make me feel any better… quite the opposite, in fact, because if I look this huge now, how much worse will it be after another X pounds?! I would lovelovelovelovelovelovelove to get out of my skin right now.
To overstate the glaringly obvious with the understatement of the century, I am really, really not liking myself very much at present. And this pity party is ending right now, because my alarm clock is ringing in four and a half hours.