Writing Letters!

I fully intended to send my letter to the airline (re: my “misloaded” baggage) last night, but my mom was on the desktop (where I have the file saved), so I just crawled into bed … and I fell asleep not long after 11.00.  This is notable because I did not wake up again until 5.00 AM.  Yes, you read that correctly: I slept through the night!  Say wha…?!  I should probably not be tired because of this, but I am.  Naturally.  So this will have to be quick!

Seems like I no longer have patience for a treadmill.  I can’t go more than an eighth of a mile before I am bored out of my mind… I’m not going anywhere!!  Ah, well… take what comes, I guess.

Romaine, roasted Brussels sprouts, roasted tofu, yellow squash.

Today I had what was apparently my last laser appointment.  I’m not completely satisfied with the results, because while there is a definite improvement, I thought once I did this, I’d be done with it — no more having to shave, ever.  Guess not.  I’m told I can get the “maintenance plan.”  For $1000.  Uh.  I don’t think that will be happening…

It was hot enough today for a yogurt smoothie!

Orange, this time.

This is pretty much a travesty: I haven’t had bulgur and garlic salt since before my vacation!!

Fixed.

In the end, I sent my letter to the airline today.  We’ll see what comes of that.  As I was apparently already in the letter-writing mode, I e-mailed my nutritionist too.

So, I am not very happy at the moment.  To be perfectly honest, I am not being “perfect.”  I know this.  And I also know that I am eating as much as, or more than, I did last week.  Which was more than enough to make me gain weight, even if it wasn’t an insanely high number of calories, because as we know, I am an inherent fat person.  I feel crappy enough gaining; it makes me feel like a lazy weak-willed failure.  So why should I have to compound that by also feeling like a failure for not being “perfect”??  If the goal is for me to gain weight, and I am doing that, then it should not matter.  If I were eating 300 calories a day and gaining weight because I screwed up my metabolism, then I can see why it would make a difference.  But I am overeating anyway, just to a lesser extent.  And I feel like it doesn’t count for anything anyway, so why do I bother?… Which leads me right back to where I started, namely, that I am just a pig and I have no self-control.

Honestly, I don’t know why I bother.  My therapist tells me to discuss this with my nutritionist, my nutritionist tells me to discuss this with my therapist, and all along I am really only talking to myself!!  I’m not even going to get into that.  All I am going to say is, thank goodness for babydoll tops.  But I think I may raid my brother’s closet.  Have I mentioned that my brother is easily half a foot taller than I am??  What is the world coming to when I would actually consider stepping out the door dressed like that?!

Happy Thursday.

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
~Franklin D. Roosevelt

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11 responses to “Writing Letters!

  1. I always wake up amazed if I actually manage to sleep through the whole night, as well. Lately I’ve actually been managing to sleep in past 5:30, which amazes me even more because I used to wake up around 4 *shudder*.

    Girl, you’re definitely not an out of control pig, and it’s just your ED trying to convince you that you are. There’s nothing wrong with eating as much as your body needs to get healthy, so you don’t have to feel guilty about trying to get better, nor do you have to feel like you’re eating too much. I used to feel the same way, but it’s nothing but lies, lies, lies.

    You’re doing the right thing, hun. Stay strong ❤

  2. Romaine, roasted Brussels sprouts, roasted tofu, yellow squash. = awesome looking

    laser. before skylar when i had time and money, i did full leg, armpits, bikini. about 10 treatments spaced over the course of a year or so. it was REALLY expensive AND painful and time consuming. i am no where near hair free. i would say i have 50% less hair than i once did and it’s fine, but i a blonde/blue eyes, and my hair was always avg, not like a hairy person (which i know black hair/white skin is the best for laser) but yeah i hear you on not being totally satisfied. ugh.

  3. im so horrible with treadmills. my family got one last year in our home.. it was actually a rental.. went on it maybe twice but after the first week it just sat there and i found myself outside running. no one else used it cuz they were bored too lol…oh the irony..

  4. Darling,
    Though you’re struggling with this idea of perfectionism I think you should recognize the strength it takes to be honest with, not only yourself, but with your therapist. Writing your honest thoughts and feelings will only hlep you during this difficult time– and i PROMISE it will be worth it.

    here for you always
    xo bec

  5. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    sucha tricky thing- because though they are’food’ issues, tehy are mostly psychological. so who DO you talk to?! I think it is great htat you are ven trying to reach out at all though and hopefully they can give you some helpful answers. Hang in there, you are healthy & beautiful, just keep doing what you are doing

    xoxox
    shelley

    http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com

  6. re- your letter to your nutritionist. I really feel you. It’s such a downward cycle – one thought leads to another leads to another leads to another leads back to the first and it feels like it never ends. I think there’s a really serious difference between feeling like you’re doing these things for no reason and trying to really accept the reason WHY you’re doing these things, and the distance between the two is huge, especially if you allow it to be huge. Maybe something has to change. I really hurt for you that you’re beating yourself up so much, it’s such a huge obstacle to overcome yourself!

  7. I can’t do treadies either. Love running outside though! And I highly doubt you are “an inherent fat person,” that is just your ED lying to you and you need to tell it to shut UP! 🙂

  8. I agree with what Shelley said although what you wrote about with regards to your concern over how much you may be eating, those are more psycological issues I think. I can see how you keep getting bounced back and forth though and that must be very frustrating but your therapist should help you work out some ways to manage these thoughts or sort out the root of them. Unfortunately trying to gain weight isnt always a pleasant process and can make you feel terrible and ‘greedy’ but thats not the case at all, I cant think of any other way to describe it but simply thats the ed side of you making you think that. A non ed person would just think, I need to gain weight so I`ll eat more calories, doesnt make you greedy or a pig at all.

    Im finding it harder to sleep well at the minute due to the sunlight being up for longer, I woke up this morning at 4:30 and it was bright outside, makes it very difficult to sleep properly.

  9. Hooray for sleeping through the night!

    I get bored on the treadmill, too… interesting and upbeat music is key!

    I’ve thought about laser surgery, too, but I think I’m just going to stick to waxing on occasion.

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