Monthly Archives: June 2010

Here We Go Again

Good morning to you, too: guess who was late!  It really doesn’t make me very happy to have to wait and wait and wait, when I could have been sleeping.  (Okay, that’s a lie, considering I woke up at 3.00 AM again.  But still.)  She apologized, “It’s a crazy morning” … you know, I understand that emergencies happen, and that’s okay.  If it doesn’t happen every freaking day!!  And it also messed with my plans to see if my foot is better… but that’s an entire post on its own.

The challenge I faced today: my mom came to take me out to lunch again.

I don’t even remember what was in this… romaine, egg whites, peppers, broccoli, cucumbers, mushrooms, alfalfa sprouts, and croutons are what I can recall.  The croutons were difficult for me.  I am a total carbaholic, but I just know that whenever “they” tell you what to avoid at salad bars to keep the calorie / fat count down, croutons are always on the list.  I don’t know my weight, and I don’t want to know, but whatever it is, I feel like “I am too fat to be eating as much as I am eating.”  It is driving me completely insane.

I mentioned it last time, but today I actually got a small frozen yogurt (which was really quite large). 

It was good.  The resulting guilt and anxiety was not.  It is very easy for me to forget how anal I can be about what is in the food I eat, if I’m the one who always prepares it.  In the grand scheme of things, it’s just frozen yogurt.  It is not going to make a discernible difference one way or the other.  But try to tell that to my stupid brain.

And if you think that prevented me from eating ice cream later in the day, you clearly don’t know me very well.

Then, because I love making myself feel all crazy by breaking “rules” that make me crazy in the first place…

I forgot to take a picture of this, and only remembered when I was halfway through it… but it was a toasted orange cranberry mini muffin, crumbled over vanilla yogurt.  The ice cream flavor was orange vanilla.  In my crazy world, that qualifies as eating the same thing twice in one day.

Hey, I never claimed to be normal.

Normal people don’t find themselves stuck with an ingredient they know they don’t like, right?!  Like me and the coconut milk?

I repeated the curry I made last week — but I replaced the chick’n strips with tofu, the quinoa with wheat couscous, added minced garlic, and took the lazy route by using onion powder instead of onions.  I do like it, but not enough to eat it every. single. day!!  Clearly, I needed some help.  Enter: some of the zillion boxes of cake mix in my basement.

Devil’s food cake mix with coconut milk, eggs, and applesauce.  These are actually coming to work with me tomorrow — I promised them to a co-worker!  And the other concoction I created is not yet ready, so that will just have to wait.

Last night I bought two tickets to a baseball game.  I bought two because that’s what my dad told me to do.  He also told me to take my brother with me.  That provided me with a good laugh — if you knew my brother, you’d understand.  (But I did have a dream that we went together, and that I caught a foul ball.  It was, indeed, a dream.)  These are actually pretty good seats, albeit in the nosebleed section, but I absolutely refuse to go with someone who’s only coming for the free ticket!!  I don’t understand why my dad wanted me to get two, but hey, he’s paying for it, so whatever floats his boat…



And I just remembered that I forgot to water my plants / vegetables today.  Oops.

Happy Thursday.

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”
~William Shedd



Beyond sleepy… I kept waking up every ten minutes starting around 3.00 AM today, which was extremely annoying!  I am hoping for an early night … and not to wake up until 5.00 AM once I fall asleep.  My, I can certainly be demanding…

So.  Today marked Day II of a pretty awesome salad that I could not enjoy fully, because I am a paranoid freak and I was so stressed out that Mr. J was going to come over and harass me about why I was eating on a fast day!  Thankfully, he did not.  Come over, I mean.  Because if he had, you can bet your life he would have given me grief.

Romaine, fetus carrots, chopped Dr. Praeger’s meatless Southwest burger, roasted artichokes.  Artichokes and I have a, shall we say, somewhat volatile relationship.  My last effort at fresh artichokes nearly melted a bowl into the surface of my microwave.  I decided I should just stay away from the fresh stuff and started looking for canned / jarred artichoke hearts, but the only kosher certified ones I can find are marinated, and I don’t want that.  So I settled for frozen, which I roasted with garlic salt.  It was a little … tough?  The flavor was good, but I wouldn’t expect anything else from garlic salt!

Today’s muffin topper took this form:

Toasted and crumbled over vanilla yogurt, accompanied by half a sliced banana.

That apparently did not fill the chocolate quota for the day, because I made a very, very exciting discovery in Whole Foods this morning.

Come on, you can’t tell me this isn’t exciting!!  😉  Under normal circumstances, I would save a packet like this for when I go on vacation, but I just had to try it.

It tastes, like, well, hazelnuts.  And chocolate.  I liked it, which is odd, because I don’t really care for hazelnuts — they remind me of Pesach!  And this was wonderfully creamy and “drippy.”  I liked that.  So the second packet can wait until August, when I go on vacation…

Because I am 99% sure I have settled on where I am going on my next dive trip!  When I spend money, I spend money.  😉  (I’m kidding, I’m kidding.  Yes, it’s an expensive hobby, but I do it in the most frugal way possible, believe me!)

It’s been a while — recycled picture.

In case you were wondering, wearing such earrings on a windy day is a bad idea. I already knew this.  Not that the knowledge helped any.  :p

Tomorrow poses a little challenge… since I apparently like guessing games, you can find the clue somewhere around here.  😉  Have a happy Hump Day!

“A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.”
~Frank A. Clark


So, I had a pretty awesome lunch today.

Romaine, kabocha (roasted with paprika, chili powder, and seasoned salt), edamame, Brussels sprouts (roasted with seasoned salt)

Edamame and roasted kabocha is probably one of my favorite combinations ever.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t really enjoy it, because it was very difficult to swallow against the guilt.

Guilt for what?  Well… remember when I mentioned yesterday that I had  something semi-exciting on my agenda for today?  It was a trip to this place.

I must have passed by it dozens of times, so I have no idea how I never realized it was there.

I could blow a few thousand bucks in this place, easy.  (Not to mention the store downstairs… this building is dangerous.)  When I left, I was carrying a bag loaded down with this:

Sherwood Oasis Regulator
Sherwood Dual Octopus
Genesis Compact Console
Regulator Bag

The prices weren’t the same as what you see in the links… I don’t know what’s up with that.  But I definitely did not spend over $400 on a regulator alone.  However.  I did spend a shocking amount of money.  So much so that I neglected to have them assemble it for me, lest the guilt become too much and I have to return it and pay a disassembly fee.

This happens to me every single time I spend a substantial amount of money on myself.  I feel like I need to justify it… I don’t really spend money on other things aside from diving.  I can excuse it as an early birthday present. You get the idea.

Part of this is probably due to the way I was raised: I had it drilled into my skull to save, save, save.  While this is undoubtedly a better philosophy than spend, spend, spend, the result is that I make money, I put it in my savings account, and then it is “untouchable” to me, so it’s like I don’t have any money at all.  For what am I saving, I’d like to know?!  Nobody ever really bothered to explain that part.  And whenever I spend money on something I love — that is, diving — the guilt is only compounded by the fact that my family deems it a “waste of money.”  While I will tell them, obstinately, that it is my money and I can do with it what I want, I can’t help internalizing the message that I do not deserve it.

So then, as I do, I got to thinking too much about this.  And I realized that while the “excuses” I mentioned might very well be legitimate, they are absolutely unnecessary. Why should one feel the need for justification in such cases?  This isn’t even only pertaining to this particular instance; it’s an overarching theme in my life, this urge to rationalize why I should deserve to do something.

There are a few people at my workplace with whom I feel comfortable discussing such things, and all of them told me variations of the same thing: money is meant to be spent; I’m going to get good use out of it; I’m doing it because it is something that I love.  All of these things, however, seem to be eradicated the moment I hear my mom tell me that you have nothing to do with your money.  I hate that my parents’ opinion has the power to do that to me, but you know what?   Affirmation of the day: I am worth it.

And, apparently, worth this too.

Double chocolate chip muffin topper with Barney butter and a side of crossword.  The latter of which is infinitely more exciting.  😉

I’m sure this doesn’t come as a surprise, but the girl who opened the gym today was late.  I wouldn’t even mention it, because it is so typical, except that we were greeted by this sight when she finally did arrive.

Now there’s something you don’t see every day.  Incidentally, I am going to apparently have to schedule regular calls to customer service — not that it makes a difference.  The person with whom I spoke today had such a hard time grasping the concept that I was calling about two different locations.  Yes, yesterday I was at X and she never showed up, and today I was at Y and she came late!  Is that really so hard to believe?!  ARGH!!

Tomorrow is a fast day.  Guess who is being sacrilegious?  (Surprise, surprise!)  I was actually glad that it fell out on a Tuesday, because I just know that Mr. J is going to make some sort of stupid obnoxious comment about the fact that I am eating on a fast day, and so I was happy that I would be meeting my friend for lunch.  But she isn’t here, because she’s scouting out apartments near her law school.  Guess I shall have to endure some idiocy… oh, wait, I do that every day.  (A gem from last week: how much do postage stamps cost these days?  Dude.  Did you seriously get up from in front of your computer to come ask me that??  Couldn’t you just have looked it up??)

Have a lovely Tuesday.

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”
~Raymond Hull

Growing Gardens

Tomorrow, I would like to act as if I work for my gym and just “forget” to go to work.  There were at least fifteen members, plus the class instructor, waiting outside this morning for the gym to open.  I left after half an hour because there are things I’d rather do than hang around in the heat and humidity.  I prefer not to work out at home — I need to have some sort of boundary to keep me from going overboard — so I did not really work out today, aside from the incidental 2.9 mile walk to the gym and some gardening (more on that later).  This makes me very anxious, and I really wanted to do something about it, but I’m trying to prove myself that the world will not end if I don’t have an official workout for a couple of days.

About that 2.9 mile walk… I did wear my running shoes, with minimal pain. This is definitely preferable to agony, but if it hurts to walk in them, exactly how am I supposed to run?!

The usual post-weekend frozen novelty reviews:

Hibiscus coconut water sorbet, Rice Dream orange vanilla swirl, German chocolate coconut milk ice cream.

While the sorbet texture was delightful, like the other flavors, this wasn’t our favorite.  Having never tried hibiscus before, I have no idea whether the taste is authentic to that, but we weren’t fans.  It’s highly unlikely that I will purchase any of these again anyway, given the prohibitive price tag, but the raspberry was hands down the best flavor.

The Rice Dream was actually free, since for some reason it wasn’t in Whole Foods’ system at the time.  That was a nice bonus; and I’ve been looking for this flavor for what seems like forever.  Purely for nostalgic reasons… when I was a kid, after every visit to the dentist we’d go the ice cream shop (yes, yes, I get the irony!), and I usually got an orange vanilla cone.  Calories?  Wha?  If I wanted two scoops, I would get two scoops, dammit.  I miss that.  Anyway, this Rice Dream was very similar to what I expected… at first, I thought I was only tasting the orange flavor, but then later that day I was eating a vanilla yogurt and realized that the Rice Dream definitely tasted like vanilla too.  Big thumbs up to this one.

Okay, now, this coconut milk ice cream was a mistake.  Had I read the ingredients, I never would have bought it.  Not only is it made with coconut milk (duh), it has dried coconut, caramel, and pecans in it.  I do not like the former two, and I hate nuts in my ice cream.  But I bought this, so I have to eat it.  It is very… coconutty.  The chocolate flavor does mask that a little bit, but I definitely will not be buying this one again!

Instant oats, chunky peanut butter, cottage cheese, and cinnamon.  Yeah, apparently I can’t stand cottage cheese in oats… or in any form but blended, because the curds make me feel like I am chewing on vomit.  Not that I’ve ever chewed on vomit… okay, sorry for that visual.  Moving on!

More palatable: a cranberry muffin.  Um, at least, I’m pretty sure it was a cranberry muffin.

Confession: I apparently eat a muffin or a muffin topper practically every day.  And ice cream.  Not together, but still.  I should be unapologetic about this.  Should is the key word here.

I ate a strawberry from my rooftop garden!  I haven’t had a strawberry in years.

But speaking of gardens, my dad and I finally went to buy chicken wire so that we can build some sort of contraption to keep the cats out of my garden.  I dug up a small section of the backyard, and filled an entire garbage bag with weeds.  What I want to know is this: once the things I’ve planted start to grow, how am I going to be able to differentiate between my vegetables and the weeds?!

That looks kind of gross.  😉

Proof that I am slightly crazy: I know I don’t like coconut, and yet I bought this anyway.  All for the sake of one recipe, for which I used about a quarter of a cup.  Any ideas re: what to do with the other seven and three quarters cups are more than welcome… preferably in ways that don’t really taste like coconut!  I used it for a “chicken curry,” but I actually didn’t eat the “broth” so the coconut flavor wasn’t very strong.

I made this last week, because for some reason I decided that the flavors needed to “develop.”  Don’t ask me!  Anyway, I barely remember what’s in there… onion, curry powder, ginger, garlic powder, consomme, cauliflower, fetus carrots, peas, chick’n strips, and coconut milk, of course.  I’d have no idea whether this is “authentic,” but I’m betting it isn’t, so I took the liberty of having it with quinoa instead of something you’re “supposed” to have with curry.

Having just spent over half an hour building one quarter of the cat repeller (for lack of a better word), which is apparently far more tiring than you’d think, I’m going to pretend that this post isn’t all over the place and just go to bed.  I have something semi-exciting on my agenda tomorrow, which is actually probably only exciting to me, but ten points if you can guess what it is.  😉

Have as happy a Monday as a Monday can be!

“Our bodies are our gardens; our wills are our gardeners.”
~William Shakespeare
(How apt.)

Dinner: Done.

Much as I hate to admit this, going out to eat would probably be less terrifying to me if I did it more often.  I’m apparently always afraid that whatever decision I make won’t be the “right” one, and if I only go out once every few months, I’m going to have to have the “perfect” order.  It would matter less if it wasn’t such a novelty.  However.  I am not going to tell this to anyone, because my family, much as I love them, is really not the right company for such a stressful activity.  (Sign up here!  ;))

Mom's Kitchen Sink salad

I had to take her mushrooms... except the one that touched the tomato and was covered in seeds! Ew!

Dad's Caesar salad

Brother's Chef (?) salad

Brother's pasta primavera

Mom's veggie burger wrap

Dad's veggie burger with fries

So, you’ve noticed that none of these dishes were ordered by me.  I thought I’d provide you with some visual stimulation before I start to babble!

There are certain things I am okay with eating — if it isn’t from a restaurant.  These include both pasta and beans.  The latter means that I had a bit of a protein problem here, since I don’t eat fish.  I finally had determined that I was going to actually order something different from my usual, and get an egg white frittata (this is why the All Whites in my salad yesterday were notable, since I have a stupid rule about not eating the same thing twice in one day).  I was, however, extremely worried about whether said frittata is fried or baked.  When I asked the waiter, he said, “The chef isn’t going to make a frittata now.”  Seriously?  How long does that take?!  Everyone else had already ordered, and they were all waiting for me, so I panicked and just ordered the same thing I always do here (zucchini pasta).  And then I ordered a side of black beans.  Beans.  I was originally considering ordering a few sides instead of one entree, but I am so glad I didn’t, because the “side” was enormous.

black beans

What is that, three cups?  Four?!  I could not have such a huge bowl of beans in front of me.

I had that.  My mom and dad both tried it (dad: It’s good! in a shocked tone of voice, because anything remotely healthy can’t possibly be good, right?), and even after that, look at what remained:

We took that home.  And a certain someone put it in the refrigerator in a very stupid fashion, so it turned over and spilled out.  Most of it was salvageable but I had to heat up the leftovers in the toaster oven, since I had no liquid left to be able to use a pot!  But more on that later; back to the restaurant.

I remembered the zucchini pasta as being massive, but it really is just vegetables… zucchini, mushrooms, onions, roasted red pepper, and eggplant.  This is what arrived.

Immediate reaction: it’s not as huge as I remember it being.

Secondary reaction: there is a sheen of grease on this.  (Mom: it’s from the eggplant.  Eggplant does not have grease.  It soaks up grease, yes, but that’s not the point.  It is greasy and that freaks me out!!)  But have no fear…

A few bites in, I realized that it definitely was as big I remembered.  The plate was just a different size.  Yes, I felt like a pig to finish 99.9% of it.  Why do you ask?  But it did taste good.

In short, it could not possibly have been as awful as I was expecting; that’s the benefit to freaking out as badly as I do.  Your worst fears will seldom be realized.

However, this morning I woke up and knew immediately that it was not going to be a good day in terms of body image.  I changed clothes no less than three times before leaving for work; I never do that.  It would be lovely not to give a crap about such things, really… and not have to struggle with trying to figure out if I “can” eat XYZ because of what I did yesterday or what I might do tomorrow.  I’m sure this is mostly psychological, but my stomach wasn’t too happy with me for the first part of the day, either.

Since this is already excessively long, I’m going to save the rest of the food pictures for my next post!  Except for this, since I mentioned it already:

Some of the leftover black beans on a pan-warmed sprouted corn tortilla… apparently, when heated properly, it rolls up just fine. These black beans, by the way, taste remarkably similar to Eden Organic Caribbean Black Beans. Just saying.

One of my cousins who invaded earlier this month sent us flowers.

How nice.  I like flowers.  But I never buy them.

Have a lovely weekend!

“Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”
~Mark Twain
(Um… ew?)

Lust List

Thank you all so, so much for the support on my last post.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still feeling anxious about it, but we’re supposedly leaving in half an hour or so, and I need to stop myself from stressing out about it, so I’m posting instead in an attempt at distracting myself…

I didn’t wind up going to that thing with my mom last night… I left the house with her, but then I decided I was too tired, so I returned home, took a shower and went to bed.  I’m glad I did, since I was long asleep by the time my mom got back after 11.30!  Not that it helped — I downed an insane amount of caffeine today.  And it was only partly because anxiety makes me drink.

In an attempt to distract myself / cheer myself up, when I went out during my lunch break today…

hello, humidity... like walking through soup

…I popped in to the dive shop where I bought my wetsuit.  Surprisingly, the guy behind the register recognized / remembered me (mental note, I want to post about my “identity as a diver” one day soon).

I was looking at regulators, because every time I use a rental, I cringe a little bit at the thought that someone else used it the day before.  I did find one that I liked a lot, and it was even on sale… for $300.  And if I buy a regulator, I need to get an octopus too, so that’s another $100.  Ouch.  I also happened to mention that I liked the integrated BCDs, and by coincidence, the shop had the same type that I rented in St. Lucia and really liked.  They had one in my size, but they’re not going to be carrying it anymore, so if I want it, I need to put down a deposit on it now.  Because it’s the last one, it’s also on sale… for $270.  The list of things I am lusting after is growing longer and longer.

So, to recap:

Aeris AT400
Cressi BC

Anyone have a spare $1800 lying around that they feel like sharing??

This is one of the weirdest combinations ever.

Romaine, bell peppers, onions, microwaved All Whites.  Don’t know what I was thinking, or why I still think this is so strange.  The famine before feast mentality still rages strong in my mind… as in, if I am going to be “splurging,” I have to compensate for it before or after the occasion.  What usually ends up happening is that I overcompensate.  And I am not going to ruminate over this right now, because it is stressing me out.

I got through to my nutritionist late last night.  I knew she didn’t have time for my craziness, so I didn’t get into that… I just wanted to ask her about the fast days coming up over the next few weeks, since I’m fat enough to fast now.  She says that I can’t.  Honestly, I’m not so upset about it, because since nightfall is so late, the fasts don’t end until after 9.00 PM.  I don’t mind fasting except for the part where it has to be broken.  And my “fear” of eating late at night is so great that I’d rather just eat all day as I normally would instead of fasting and just eating an evening meal, even if I’d wind up with a considerably lower intake for the day that way.  (Yes, I guess I see her point.  I’m still way screwed up in the head.)

Because this is such a wordy post…

The first time I saw this, I did a double-take.  It still strikes me as slightly amusing.

I’m off to get ready to go, in the vain hope that everyone else will be ready on time as well.  Provided I survive (oh, who am I kidding… of course I will, just maybe slightly worse for the wear!), recap coming tomorrow.  Until then, have a lovely Friday.

“Body and mind, like man and wife, do not always agree to die together.”
~Charles Caleb Colton

Freaking. Out.

Naturally, I snapped some random pictures today.  Because that’s just what I do.

I really, really want this.  Salivating over it.

To add to the collection:

I wanted to buy one in every color. But I restrained myself.  The color that I did buy coincidentally is a perfect match with the earrings I bought in St. Lucia.  (Recycled picture.)

And, also coincidentally, it’s pretty much the exact same shade as my cell phone case.

You think I might like that color? 😉

Squash attack!

Romaine, yellow squash, Smart Strips Chick’n, zucchini.  I guess that means there was a bit of a sodium attack happening too, but it’s all good.  Actually, it’s not.  I think the chick’n strips were funky, even though they didn’t expire until mid-July.  This salad did not make me very happy at all.


As in, it’s not bulgur.

My mom’s birthday dinner is very likely going to be tomorrow.  I am freaking. out.  I don’t even know where we’re going; naturally, nobody else is choosing, so it’s up to me, and I can’t even settle on that.  It’s nerve-wracking to go somewhere I wouldn’t find anything I want to order; it’s even worse to go somewhere I would be able to find multiple things I want to order.  Restaurants creep me out — the portions are always so over-inflated, and I was totally raised as a “clean your plate whether or not you want to” kid, which is why I do not like having such enormous things put in front of me!  And I can’t even use the “wiggle room” excuse; I don’t have to gain weight.  Quite the contrary!  Eating enough for three people in one sitting is just not what I need right now.

Can you tell that I’m freaking out?  Oh, wait, I already said that.  And I can’t get through to my nutritionist, who is leaving tomorrow morning and so wouldn’t have time for me now in any case.  Help!!

My mom wants to go to this thing tonight — a play / video / movie / something like that — and is dragging me along.  I don’t particularly care to go; let’s not forget my (nonexistent) attention span!  But whatever, she wants to waste $20 on me, fine, I’ll just take a nap there.  Since I’m pretty sure I’ll be too busy being anxious to get much sleep tonight!

Happy Thursday.

“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”
~Jennifer Yane