I’ve devised a tidy little system to aid those who want to avoid whines / rants: everything that is in a text color other than black falls under that category! 😉
Even though I said that I had absolutely zero interest in eating matzah again, I ate this today.
(Actually, this is a recycled picture. I did photograph what I ate today, but for reasons explained below, you’re not going to see that. It was lost in translation.) It’s Pesach Sheini. To make a long story short, that means it’s never too late for a second chance. I just wish that didn’t mean a second chance to eat matzah! 😉 Oh, well. Apple butter spread improved it somewhat.
Today a scale talked to me. It said, “Get on get on get on get on!” I was honestly going to say yes, but then I decided that I’d be too freaked out and disgusted if I did that. It would inhibit my denial. So long as I don’t see the number, I can pretend I’m not getting fat, right? Right. Um. Right.
I haven’t had this cereal in years… it has negative associations for me, because I switched to it from sugary cereal like Cocoa Pebbles for “ED reasons.” As you can imagine, going from Cocoa Pebbles to this, I found it kind of… bland! I guess my taste buds have evolved, because I actually like it now.
Romaine, roasted broccoli stir-fry, roasted tempeh. I know a lot of people don’t like tempeh unless it’s marinated, but all I did was sprinkle this with garlic powder. Isn’t everything automatically awesome once it’s been roasted??
While sitting through a boring class, I was fiddling around with my camera and subsequently seem to have elected to re-format my memory card. This means that all of the images on there were erased. Yes, again. I didn’t panic too much, because I was pretty sure I’d be able to get them back like I did last time. But I didn’t want to use my camera in case I screwed up something else in the interim, so I don’t have a picture of my at-school dinner for you. It is my last at-school dinner until the fall semester. The photo wouldn’ t have been very exciting, anyway; it would have included this and this on this; this; and this. Hardly earth-shattering, but it did bring me about as close to tears as I get. For those of you who don’t know this, I believe I must have killed my tear ducts.
That might actually not be such a bad thing, though. It was just one of those days when if I’d started to cry, I would have just done it all day. Not that I’ve ever actually had the pleasure of such a day, considering that, well, I can’t cry. But it wasn’t fun, to put it mildly. I finally spoke with my endocrinologist. I’m getting a prescription for a bone scan, and a prescription for the thyroid medication… at a lowered dosage. I have no idea what all of the numbers are that he was throwing at me, but it’s kind of irrelevant. I guess the sensible thing would be to trust that the doctor knows what he’s doing, but to be honest? I am freaked out. Just as I was getting accustomed to actually having to eat food to gain weight, instead of just looking at it… I know I’m prone to catastrophizing, but I can’t help being terrified that my newly-discovered metabolism is going to totally shut down on me. There is absolutely no way in hell that I can psychologically handle taking Provera now. Uh-uh.
This (I totally just mistyped that as “shit”) series of events contributed to an already-in-existence situation… I. Feel. Fat. And, since “fat is not a feeling,” I am going to replace that word with one that is a feeling: I feel hysterical. Believe me when I say that you don’t even want to know all the crazy things that have passed through my mind today! I even started to freak myself out, and it takes a lot to do that. And I can’t even tell anyone this, because A) most people don’t get it / don’t give a shit, and B) the very select few who do… well, I hate being a pain the ass and disturbing people. So.
This is something that’s been bothering me for a while, but I am nowhere near eloquent enough to verbalize it, so I haven’t even tried… but it’s really driving me nuts, so I’m just going to babble senselessly anyway.
While I am aware that my recovery should be all about me, and that it’s for nobody’s benefit but my own, I’ve spent far too many years with a disordered brain. Consequently, it is extremely difficult to escape the notion that I am fighting against myself, and that having to gain weight when I don’t think it’s all necessary is just not fair. (Insert whiny temper tantrum voice here.)
As can be expected, I know quite a few people who have / have had eating disorders. There are those who have been sick for so long that the “professionals” (I say this with some great measure of disdain) have deemed them “hopeless” and are content to just keep them breathing. In other words: collusion with an eating disorder. Never the greatest idea, but that’s just my opinion, and what do I know?
Look, I’m an expert at “being okay” with an eating disorder. If my life had fallen apart, it would be a motivating factor for me, but thankfully I managed to get along just fine. I do not call this recovery. And when I see other people doing that, it makes my inner two-year-old kick and scream.
Oh, yes, my presentation. Today was apparently not my technological luck day — I inserted my flash drive, and the computer wouldn’t read it. It’s a good thing I’m a neurotic freak, because I had a backup of the document saved in my email drafts. It was fine, I guess. I felt stupid doing it, but I always feel stupid in front of a crowd. At least that part is over!! One more presentation next week, and then I’m done.
I encountered a total creepster on my way home today… to make a long(ish) story short(ish), there was this really strange dude on the train who was making eyes at me. There was about a foot of space between us, and it was pretty difficult to look anywhere but at him, though I managed. Then someone got off the train, and that person’s bag knocked into Mr. Creepster. When the guy apologized, Mr. Creepster said something like, “Oh, that’s okay, just be careful of my wife here,” and gestured toward me. Uh. That kind of crosses the line from creepy to stalker-ish, so I decided that would be an opportune time to move into another car!
“The theme of Pesach Sheini is that it is never too late. It is always possible to put things right.”
~Hayom Yom, 14 Iyar