I’ve devised a tidy little system to aid those who want to avoid whines / rants: everything that is in a text color other than black falls under that category!  😉

Even though I said that I had absolutely zero interest in eating matzah again, I ate this today.

(Actually, this is a recycled picture.  I did photograph what I ate today, but for reasons explained below, you’re not going to see that.  It was lost in translation.)  It’s Pesach Sheini.  To make a long story short, that means it’s never too late for a second chance.  I just wish that didn’t mean a second chance to eat matzah!  😉  Oh, well.  Apple butter spread improved it somewhat.

Today a scale talked to me.  It said, “Get on get on get on get on!”  I was honestly going to say yes, but then I decided that I’d be too freaked out and disgusted if I did that.  It would inhibit my denial.  So long as I don’t see the number, I can pretend I’m not getting fat, right?  Right.  Um.  Right.

Breakfast #2:

I haven’t had this cereal in years… it has negative associations for me, because I switched to it from sugary cereal like Cocoa Pebbles for “ED reasons.”  As you can imagine, going from Cocoa Pebbles to this, I found it kind of… bland!  I guess my taste buds have evolved, because I actually like it now.

Romaine, roasted broccoli stir-fry, roasted tempeh.  I know a lot of people don’t like tempeh unless it’s marinated, but all I did was sprinkle this with garlic powder.  Isn’t everything automatically awesome once it’s been roasted??

While sitting through a boring class, I was fiddling around with my camera and subsequently seem to have elected to re-format my memory card.  This means that all of the images on there were erased.  Yes, again.  I didn’t panic too much, because I was pretty sure I’d be able to get them back like I did last time.  But I didn’t want to use my camera in case I screwed up something else in the interim, so I don’t have a picture of my at-school dinner for you.  It is my last at-school dinner until the fall semester.  The photo wouldn’ t have been very exciting, anyway; it would have included this and this on this; this; and this.  Hardly earth-shattering, but it did bring me about as close to tears as I get.  For those of you who don’t know this, I believe I must have killed my tear ducts.

That might actually not be such a bad thing, though.  It was just one of those days when if I’d started to cry, I would have just done it all day.  Not that I’ve ever actually had the pleasure of such a day, considering that, well, I can’t cry.  But it wasn’t fun, to put it mildly.  I finally spoke with my endocrinologist.  I’m getting a prescription for a bone scan, and a prescription for the thyroid medication… at a lowered dosage.  I have no idea what all of the numbers are that he was throwing at me, but it’s kind of irrelevant.  I guess the sensible thing would be to trust that the doctor knows what he’s doing, but to be honest?  I am freaked out.  Just as I was getting accustomed to actually having to eat food to gain weight, instead of just looking at it… I know I’m prone to catastrophizing, but I can’t help being terrified that my newly-discovered metabolism is going to totally shut down on me.  There is absolutely no way in hell that I can psychologically handle taking Provera now.  Uh-uh.

This (I totally just mistyped that as “shit”) series of events contributed to an already-in-existence situation… I.  Feel.  Fat.  And, since “fat is not a feeling,” I am going to replace that word with one that is a feeling: I feel hysterical.  Believe me when I say that you don’t even want to know all the crazy things that have passed through my mind today!  I even started to freak myself out, and it takes a lot to do that.  And I can’t even tell anyone this, because A) most people don’t get it / don’t give a shit, and B) the very select few who do… well, I hate being a pain the ass and disturbing people.  So.


This is something that’s been bothering me for a while, but I am nowhere near eloquent enough to verbalize it, so I haven’t even tried… but it’s really driving me nuts, so I’m just going to babble senselessly anyway.

While I am aware that my recovery should be all about me, and that it’s for nobody’s benefit but my own, I’ve spent far too many years with a disordered brain.  Consequently, it is extremely difficult to escape the notion that I am fighting against myself, and that having to gain weight when I don’t think it’s all necessary is just not fair.  (Insert whiny temper tantrum voice here.)

As can be expected, I know quite a few people who have / have had eating disorders.  There are those who have been sick for so long that the “professionals” (I say this with some great measure of disdain) have deemed them “hopeless” and are content to just keep them breathing.  In other words: collusion with an eating disorder.  Never the greatest idea, but that’s just my opinion, and what do I know?

Look, I’m an expert at “being okay” with an eating disorder.  If my life had fallen apart, it would be a motivating factor for me, but thankfully I managed to get along just fine.  I do not call this recovery.  And when I see other people doing that, it makes my inner two-year-old kick and scream.


Oh, yes, my presentation.  Today was apparently not my technological luck day — I inserted my flash drive, and the computer wouldn’t read it.  It’s a good thing I’m a neurotic freak, because I had a backup of the document saved in my email drafts.  It was fine, I guess.  I felt stupid doing it, but I always feel stupid in front of a crowd.  At least that part is over!!  One more presentation next week, and then I’m done.

I encountered a total creepster on my way home today… to make a long(ish) story short(ish), there was this really strange dude on the train who was making eyes at me.  There was about a foot of space between us, and it was pretty difficult to look anywhere but at him, though I managed.  Then someone got off the train, and that person’s bag knocked into Mr. Creepster.  When the guy apologized, Mr. Creepster said something like, “Oh, that’s okay, just be careful of my wife here,” and gestured toward me.  Uh.  That kind of crosses the line from creepy to stalker-ish, so I decided that would be an opportune time to move into another car!

Recycled.

Happy Thursday!

“The theme of Pesach Sheini is that it is never too late. It is always possible to put things right.”
~Hayom Yom, 14 Iyar

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10 responses to “

  1. what/ a scary. creepster. no one has ever said that about me. and i hope no time soon!

    matzah looks good! weirdly i can’t stand go lean any more! how strange!

  2. I can relate to so much in this post, from your run-in with Mr. Creepy-Man to thyroid woes to everything you wrote in non black 😉 lettering. I know you feel as though your rants are annoying and a pain in the ass, but I really don’t think so at all. If anything I just wish I could help and am comforted in knowing that someone I’m not alone in what I’m going through. If you ever need to vent or just want to have a freak out, feel free to send me an email. I guarantee that I wouldn’t judge or be annoyed at all. Pinky swear… 🙂

    Rachael*

  3. I don’t think your rants are annoying either, I think you have a lot of stress in your life and everyone needs somewhere to rant! I relate to what you said about resenting people who get to hang on to their illness, I used to feel like that too. I guess I would ask why you think anorexia is worth hanging on to though? Not that hanging on is really the right phrase because the whole mental illness as choice thing drives me up the wall, but it’ll do for this purpose 😉 I just mean…I used to feel angry that other people were ‘allowed’ to restrict and stay at low weights when I was in treatment two years ago, but now I’m actually weight restored I feel sad for them, not resentful, because my life is about a million times better than it was when I was ill. Of course I still struggle with anxiety and depressive tendencies but it’s amazing to feel really alive again, to find it easier to create new and maintain existing relationships, to have all this space in my head free from food so I can do whatever I want with it. It’s wonderful to feel like I belong in my body again rather than like it’s a random and hated piece of meat which contains my brain. Anyway, now I’m actually so much better I believe that it was the anorexia making me feel resentful, and therefore while I stayed anorexic I would never have felt okay about recovery – I had to do it first and feel okay with it later. I don’t even know if that’s what you meant in the writing in blue, but just in case I thought I would put it to you 😉

    I hope you got your camera sorted out!

  4. Recovery really does feel like we’re fighting against ourselves, but just try and keep in mind that it’s not your thoughts that you’re fighting against, it’s your ED’s; they only feel like your own because they’ve been with you for so long.

    And sure, you may have been managing to get by with your ED, but getting by and really living are two different things. People can get by in life carrying a lot of different things around with them, but that usually means they’re not as happy as they could be. Look at all of the things you hate about your ED and use those as motivations to get better, because if you give it enough time, those things will start to fade away and you can replace them with better things.

    Stay strong, love ❤

  5. i could never have a scale in my house.. it would mess me up mentally! putting on weight would be so much easier if u didnt see a number.. a number would hold u back and any progress i think would just fly right out the window. break the scale.. smash it.. throw it away. i hate them SO much! they arent even the best representation of weight.. taking sodium..fluid and muscle into consideration. 😛

    xoxo ❤ happy thursday!

  6. I get what your saying about having a disordered mind for so long, its difficult to then go against it and imagine not being disordered! Thats the danger about staying with an ed for to long though, soon it just becomes so normal feeling and looking like this but in reality it isnt normal. You just for a while have to go against what your mind is screaming at you and push on. People who have taken that jump and really kept going with recovery usually say they end up feeling better about themselves and view things differently, it just takes some time. I know it feels unfair but your arent exactly happy the way you are at the minute so why not look at it as a test of trying a new way to live?
    xox
    Laura

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  8. Wish you weren’t feeling like this, I know how it feels. I dont have much advice to offer although, I wish I did. You will get threw it though, battling an ED is tougher then words can describe. It is possible to recover though, im sure you’ll get there just dont give up ❤
    Dana
    http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

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