Running (Away)

I realized that my last post might have given some of you the impression that my birthday is really soon… it isn’t for another four months!  But I wanted to get good tickets without having to give up a few limbs.

A note about my inability to run outside: I can wear pants at the gym, because I go to an all-women’s gym.  (Yes, there are male trainers, but I’m not so “careful” as I should be.  Whatever.  I don’t care.)  But outside, I’d have to wear a skirt over that.  I guess wearing this isn’t that outrageous… I wear yoga shorts under my clothes every day anyway.  (I have thigh issues.  You mind?!)  It just seems… weird.

This morning, I was in the gym where I feel most comfortable, so I figured what the hell, I’d run on a treadmill.  In public.  There were only a couple of other people there, anyway.  About a minute in, I remembered why I’ve never liked running… I always get a stitch in my side.  If I were normal, I’d have just stopped there, but since I am not normal and also wanted to see how long it would take me to go a mile, I kept at it.  I’m sure I looked like a spastic fish.  Not that I know anything at all about running stats, but it took 9:41.  I’m just curious… does your pace usually increase or decrease when running outside as opposed to on a treadmill?

Before leaving the gym, I … got on the scale.  First thought: You. Fat. Pig. (I may or may not have actually said this out loud.)  Second thought: What nerve… talking to me like that. Third thought: You really sound like a crazy person.

I attempted to put my big girl face on (and subsequently stuffed it silly) and headed to work, where I had a little run-in with an obnoxious security guard.  But to atone for fat talking myself, I posted an Operation Beautiful note in the ladies’ room.  (Which I’m pretty sure was almost immediately removed by the moronic janitor, who is a moron not for removing the note, but just because he is a moron.  We don’t get along, in case you can’t tell.  ;))

Breakfast #2:

Like the Go Lean Crunch, I wanted to try this but was afraid to buy an entire box!  I didn’t mind this one as much as the Go Lean Crunch; it wasn’t so sickening, though it was still pretty sweet.  But the milk turned blue!  Yikes.

A salad:

Romaine, roasted Brussels sprouts, tofu cutlet, roasted sweet potato.  It seems like I ate this a thousand years ago… long day, anyone?

Oh, but lest you mistakenly think that was all, I must include this:

Bee’s Knees on Ezekiel bread.  It is very strange, since I don’t really care for honey, but I like this peanut butter a lot.

Random, but check out my silverware.

Classy, ain’t it?  😉


And now, the not-so-fun stuff, real quick… because I need to be in bed an hour ago!

Monday = nutritionist.  Since it’s disgusting outside, I wasn’t worried at all; even if I hadn’t gained weight, I’m the type who retains fluid like crazy when there is the slightest hint of humidity in the air.  Puffer fish, anyone?  (Spastic puffer fish!  And speaking of fish, one of mine died.  :()

Anyway, of course I gained.  According to my nutritionist, “A measly X.”  Not so measly to me, of course, but of more concern at the moment is the fact that this apparently does not matter, because I was not 100% compliant. I don’t really see why it matters — if I’m supposed to gain weight, and I did, who cares what I did / didn’t do?!  It kind of feels like a re-affirmation of the whole “nothing is ever good enough” thing.  She says that it’s because I need to learn to face my fears and do it even though I’m afraid of it.  Yup, because this was just a walk in the park.  I’m trying not to focus on negative feelings here, but … they are so there, and I can’t run far enough fast enough to get away from them.

Is it just me, or am I always this incoherent after a nutritionist appointment?… Hey, it’s late.  I should be asleep!

Have a terrific Tuesday.  And that alliteration was purely unintentional.

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”
~Herm Albright
(I don’t need a positive attitude for that; I can do it all on my own!)

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8 responses to “Running (Away)

  1. never tried “bees knees”. =D then again, i just like pb straight up. no bread in the way. =D

    sorry about teh nutritionist making you all “inchorent”. i was in coherent today…probably from just eating carrots. =D

    wish you were here. it’s not sunny, but at least it’s not rainy!

  2. eek i dont even want to imagine the anxiety of stepping on the scale after working out and not being sure what the number is.. and then Bam there it is. i hope ur able to feel confident enuff one day to forego the skirt.. maybe even shorts only someday- that would be an amazing feat, no?

    your so beautiful though, and courageous. i can honestly feel your words in your writing. and on a side note- to lighten the mood- i laughed real loud when u said ‘i probably looked like a spastic fish’ haha i pictured that whole scenario lol.

    xoxo love take care. huge hugiez 🙂

  3. Way to end that fat talk and use it to show some operation beautiful love. I’m proud of you!

  4. Girl, I really am super proud of you. Yes, the negative feelings are there; it’s one of the hardest things about recovery, unfortunately. But what’s important is that even though you’re being bombarded by all of those negative thoughts, you’re still doing what has to be done… getting healthier. You may not realize it, but you’re doing incredibly well so don’t shrug off your accomplishments.

  5. Good for you for standing up to the scale! SCREW HIM.

    It depends on the hills, but I think I’m a little faster outside (mostly because I don’t keep staring at the screen).

  6. Hey girl! I’m so proud of you. Way to tell that inner mean voice to shut the fuck up! You were very brave and strong for facing your fears and going to the gym. Keep it up!

    xo

    Jocelyn

  7. your nutritionist doesnt sounds very nice 😛 haha..

    Congrats on the weight gain.. Oh man, seems like such a weird thing to say huh?

    keep at it ❤

    Dana
    http://scarecrowsinshadows.wordpress.com

  8. Pingback: So. BORED. |

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