Outtake from my therapy session today:

Therapist: I want you to tell me how angry you are.
Therapist: Tell me how angry you are.
<<repeat scenario several times>>
Me: On a scale of one to ten, it was an eleven, but every time you ask me that it goes up, so right now I’m probably around a sixteen.

Because, yes, I am ****ing furious.  I don’t even know why I am so enraged, or with whom… actually, scratch that, I do know with whom.  It’s with myself.  (Brief reference to numbers ahead… skip the red if you want to avoid that.)  Stupid is as stupid does, but I weighed myself today.  I have gained an entire pound.  In two days.  Which doesn’t even make scientific sense, if a pound is equal to 3500 calories, because that would mean that I had to eat 7000 calories more than I burned off, and I am pretty sure that did not happen.  Apparently, “newly restored” metabolism notwithstanding, my body likes to hold on to weight.  Surprise!!  I guess it’s stupid for me to be “angry” about this, since if it’s going to happen anyway, it doesn’t really matter when it happens.  But it just feels so… disgusting.  People have been known to eat far more than I am, while doing nothing but sitting around all day, and not gain that much that quickly.  This is the point at which I usually turn tail and run as fast as I can in the other direction.

Towards whom is all this anger directed?  Like I said, mostly myself.  I wouldn’t quite say I’m mad at my body for being so repulsively greedy, because it’s only able to do that since I’m shoving it all in there, right?  And it doesn’t make sense for me to be mad at my nutritionist for “making” me do it, because, well, nobody can make me do anything.  Which brings to mind the question: what the hell is wrong with me?!

I need some of this in my life.

And less of this, I guess…

Not that there is anything inherently wrong with this — quite the opposite, in fact.  (In case you’re wondering, that weird little doodle is supposed to be a blackberry, to remind me to take home the container of blackberries that I stored in my refrigerator.  It worked.)  As I was saying, these are my favorite soy crisps ever… but since I use my lunch break on Thursdays to go to therapy, I took the liberty of calling this “lunch.”  (And some ipecac… so dubbed because I feel like I am going to vomit if I have to drink another one of these.  Gag.)

Sort of related to that is the upcoming weekend, which is causing no small amount of panic.  See, I work until 2.00 on Fridays; no lunch break.  As much as I hate eating at work, my habitual pattern on Fridays has been this: Wake up at 5.00 AM.  Get ready, etc., etc., eat breakfast at some point, leave the house, gym, work, errands, home, eat.  You see the “problem” here, I assume.  It doesn’t help that Friday night is basically what would be a Thanksgiving dinner to you… complete with multiple courses.  Late at night.  Agh.  And a repeat the next afternoon.  It’s every anorectic’s nightmare.  And Boost Plus… on a weekend?  Are you crazy?!  I quote my nutritionist: Your weekends are killing you.  (Ahem, not literally.)

All that “excitement” aside, I was having other issues with today’s dinner.  Namely, in that I was drawing a total blank because I just did not feel like anything.  Which meant I reverted to a basic… Steamfresh, a slab of some type of protein, and a variation of a grain.  I tried a new one of those, while I was at it:

I love kasha; I always have.  In the past, however, I’ve shied away from it because it’s a pain to coat it with egg white before cooking, blah blah blah.  So I was excited to find this.

With salt and, apparently, lots of black pepper.  Alas, it does not come anywhere near the buckwheat groats to which I am accustomed!  That might be because I’ve always had medium granulation before… who knows.  In the background: broccoli, cauliflower and carrots (randomly tossed with mustard) and tofu that I sprinkled with garlic powder and cayenne pepper before sticking it in the Foreman.

After last week’s challah debacle, which I could not take lying down, I decided to try another recipe… my sister used one that she said was good, so I copied it, but made some changes (uh, to accommodate my deathly fear of oil and sugar)… I can’t really say how it turned out, since we won’t be eating them until tomorrow night!  But I was quite pleased with the dough this time around, so I’m hoping that reflects in the finished product.  I’ve shaped them already, and as soon as I’m done here I’m going to go turn on the oven.

Of course, all of this kept me busy enough so that I didn’t accomplish any school work.  Again.  I am going to have such fun on Sunday.  Also keeping me busy was something that is actually good news: the illustration proofs for my next book are mostly completed, so of course I had to go see them!  They’re masterpieces.  Seriously.  Like, the kind of thing you’d hang on your wall.  She is crazy.  No wonder it took her so long!!

Have a lovely Friday.

“Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.”
~Lillian Hellman

P.S. Giveaway ending Sunday!


8 responses to “Angry

  1. It’s always a bit of a piss-offer to see the scale jump more than it “should” in terms of the predicted calorie arithmetic (it took me way too many tries to spell that word right, I be needing sleep). It is probably just that you rather unfortunately caught yourself at the top of that fluctuation, it is “real” weight this soon. Or you were running a bit dehydrated before, maybe? I’ve been up in weight on mornings after I knew I hadn’t had any more calories than normal the day before, and down on days/weeks when I knew I had. If you want an anecdote, I was actually up 6 pounds one morning, which would require 21,000 cals according to the textbooks…I nearly had a cow (because I felt like one), but I put on my grown-up face, ate like I was supposed to that day, and was 7 less the next morning. I have no clue why our bodies try to play such mindfucks on us sometimes, but they do…hang in there!

  2. i would tell you to throw the scale away but thats not my decision. water weight can be a bitch.. and its prolly fluid retention in ur case. but i know you have every rigth to feel angered- and ur in a very difficult position. there’s going to be so much going on and so much more to deal with in the future.. just baby steps and try to visualize some positive aspects from it. just one day at a time ❤

  3. Hun, I know a jump in weight like that can make you want to turn tail and run, but you know that’s the last thing you should be doing. It’s not real weight; its water retention coupled with the fact that since you’re eating more, there’s more food in you and that adds to the number on the scale as well.

    Weight always come on really fast in the beginning and it usually ends up dropping off fast the same way, and then the rate of gain really slows down. Hang in there. The first little while is tough, but it does get easier ❤

    PS. Kasha is my loveeeee.

  4. Don’t be so hard on yourself! That couldn’t possibly be a real pound in two days. The scale lies…

  5. I’m sure it was just water weight or clothing that caused the increase in weight that fast. These feelings are normal though. I tried on some pants yesterday that used to fit me loose but now are super tight and I felt absolutely disgusted with myself for gaining weight even though this was my goal. I’ll never be satisfied!

  6. Hey love..bah..i feel the need to be honest and say that my gut reaction to your complaint about the weight gain was, “but, she needs that extra pound..and more”…
    I feel your pain though..Weight fluctuations whether we need them or not suck in a huge way..
    Sending you peace and love..

  7. I hope you have an awesome weekend and i am off to enter your give away 🙂

  8. Pingback: Generic? « Blue Eyed Heart

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