Trudge Trudge

It is nearly 10.00 PM, and I got home from school around half an hour ago.  First things first… I had to get out of those clothes and take a shower.  I wish I could just wear pajamas 24/7!  I felt so uncomfortable all day — both physically and psychologically — and it is killing me.  I’d say I’d cry, but considering that I haven’t cried in… oh, I don’t even remember the last time, it was years ago… I think it’s a pretty safe bet that no waterworks are going to happen.  I spend all freaking day in my head and it is driving me insane(r).  I tried to explain to my dad that feeling so stuffed all the time makes me feel miserable and anxious and upset, and he told me that he hopes that one day I will be able to look back and see that it is a figment of my imagination.  Uh.  No, it is not.  If I didn’t feel so crappy, that would probably be more worrisome, but still… I don’t like feeling crappy!  It’s only been two days, and I already feel like I can’t do this anymore.  Geesh… lack of stamina much?!  This particular whine is now over.

However, it leads into another one: beep, beep, disordered thought process coming through!  I called AT&T this morning to upgrade my texting plan.  However, what should have taken thirty seconds wound up taking ten minutes — ten minutes during which I would have otherwise been working out.  I realize that ten minutes are a drop in the bucket considering how I am stuffing my face, but it’s purely psychological.  Not pleased.  (Oh, but I have 150 texts more… so everyone can text me now. ;))

Random, but I totally fell asleep today at the acupuncture clinic.  I could do that every day; it was much needed.  Unfortunately, I was still tired after that!

This is what happens when you have a proliferation of cucumbers.  (When my mom asked me what to put on her Pesach produce list, I said “a few” cucumbers.  I meant three or four.  She ordered ten.  Enormous English cucumbers.)

Romaine, cucumber, tempeh, fetus carrots.  The tempeh was pan-seared… er, pan-burned.  Happens when you get distracted.

My presentation was okay, I guess; thanks for all the good thoughts!  In other school-related news, a guy in my class pretty much finished his project for the Assignment From Hell and showed it to the professor, who said it looks good.  I asked him if I could take a look at it… and it doesn’t actually all that different from the way mine does at present.  So maybe I’m not quite as far behind as I had thought.  That was a pleasant surprise.

This arrived for me today:

I think there will be a lot of sweet potato chips and dried apples happening soon.  Remember the case of sweet potatoes? There was a case of Red Delicious apples there, too. I don’t even like Red Delicious apples, but they’re going to go bad if somebody doesn’t do something with them.  Figures that “somebody” would have to be me.  😉


Amanda passed this award on to me:

Thank you!  I haven’t actually felt that way in years (if I ever did), but that’s a good thing to change…

1) What physical features do you love about yourself?

Definitely my eye color.  That’s the only thing about myself that never really spurred any complaints.

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?

Hmm… I’m not too good at that!  Trying to get enough sleep is important.  And knowing when I need to just take a break … without feeling guilty for it.

3) What are you looking forward to?

Easy — the end of the semester!  And my vacation soon after that.  😀

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?

Probably my nutritionist.  And all of you!

5) What was the very last thing you ate?

See photo above.

6) What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?

A Canon Rebel T1i!

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

That’s a tough one… I want to go everywhere!  I guess I’ll say Australia, because I would love to dive in the Great Barrier Reef.

8 ) What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

It’s a toss-up between added fats like margarine / butter / oil, and cookies / cake.  Frankly, my priorities lie in another direction right now; it’s not the end of the world just yet.  But I constantly re-assess that situation!

9) What are your dreams for life after ED?

I … don’t know.  Not a cop-out — it’s a source of much contention in my life that I’m not really sure what I want to do.

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?

Stay away. Is that considered advice?!  Nothing, and I do mean nothing, is worth this kind of hell.

I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t been tagged in this yet… but since you’re all beautiful, if you haven’t been tagged, I’m sorry I missed you — and go for it!

Have a happy Thursday.

“Any idiot can face a crisis – it’s day to day living that wears you out.”
~Anton Chekhov
(I actually may have used this one before.  But, well — it’s true!!)

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10 responses to “Trudge Trudge

  1. I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling the best, hun 😦 I always hated that part of the weight gain process as well. Bloating. Discomfort. Just wanting to walk around in PJ’s. It’ll last for a while, but just give it time and it will go away. We all have to go through it, and while it sucks a whole hell of a lot, we just have to do our best to grin and bear it. I always found that some warm tea, a hot water bottle, or some gentle yoga helped to alleviate some of the discomfort.

    And your answer to #10 totally made me laugh. That’s some great advice right there. ❤

  2. im so sorry for what youre going through. I wish there was a way I could make you feel better about it. I agree with Amanda.. warm tea and gentle yoga can help. and YOU ARE beautiful, and so many people love you. xoxoxo

  3. love learning the little factoids about you. congrats on the award!

  4. You ARE beautiful.
    Just so you know.
    It saddens me that you lack
    the ability to see this..but for
    now hopefully my AWESOME wisdom
    and insight will do. 🙂

  5. So…what three things make you, you? That is beauty. This post is beautiful. Your courage to actually write it and confess to you and us is beautiful. Your ability to grow, despite the fact that it is uncomfortable, is beautiful.

  6. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough few days, but glad you got to relax at the acupuncture clinic! I’ve fallen asleep during doctor’s appointments before, too… we need more rest.

    Congrats on the award 🙂

  7. Yay! You finally got some sleep, even if it was in the afternoon. Accupuncture must be amazingly relaxing if it managed to calm you enough to enjoy a little slumber…perhaps I should try it too 🙂

    And I knew you’d be in a better position with the project than you thought: natural intelligence and intuition are usually enough to get bright, amazing people like you top grades even when emotional anxieties and struggles threaten to get in the way. What I’m trying to say is, you’re awesome and don’t you forget it.

    Hang in there with the supplements…I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to take them, but I think you’re so strong for doing so.

    Take care

    ~Jess~
    xoxoxox

  8. Honey there is no way in hell that you could ever feel as full and (blah and mad) as I do – or eat mindlessley @ all times like I do…and yeah – fats and cookies – so next time you feel like crap ? think of me – and remember it could be worse…:(…maybe my misery can be of some use.
    Praying for you. Release this. There is too much more to life than what you are experiencing right now. You are beautiful.

  9. You ARE beautiful. 🙂 I’ll keep on saying that to you until you believe it yourself.

    Yo, how do you not cry? I’m a huge emo person and cry when I’m angry, frustrated, mad, confused, etc. All except when I’m sad. Weird.

    I wish I can walk around in PJs all day too. The most dreadful thing is wearing a bra. I hate bras. Stupid things. It’s not like I need them anyway, I just use them to appear like I have something.

  10. Pingback: All Rise « Blue Eyed Heart

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