Discomfited

My great aunt passed away today.  I’m really glad now that I went with my dad to see her on Purim.  She was 101, so it’s not like she died young, but I still feel like I’m “supposed” to be sobbing over this, and that the fact that I am not means I am a cold unfeeling person.  Cold, yes, maybe… but it’s not that I don’t care.

I woke up at 3.40 this morning.  I was not pleased.  I went back to sleep around 4.00 for a little bit, but … I’m surprised I’m not more exhausted.  It will catch up to me, I’m sure.  When I came downstairs, around 5.30, I thought I heard someone knocking on the front door.  Since nobody comes around visiting at that hour of the morning, I figured I was imagining things, and went into the kitchen.  And then the doorbell rang.  Seriously — who rings someone’s doorbell at 5.30 AM?!  I went and peeked out the window, and saw a man walking down the steps.  Fine, he left, whatever.  Then, right before I left the house, I opened the door to check out the weather to see what kind of jacket I needed to take… and found a pile of boxes, addressed to my brother, that had been left on the porch.  So I had to drag them all inside.  Lovely!

The sun rising!  The sun.

This is the lunch I originally intended to take to work on Tuesday, but because my friend re-scheduled (and showed up ten minutes late), I took it today.

I actually made a sandwich … voluntarily.  (Okay, I had to use up some ingredients, but still.)  Whole wheat mini pita (which apparently turned into a makeshift “sandwich thin” … this is a lovely discovery) with spinach, bologna protein slices, and mustard.  Even though I am still wary of sandwiches, I have to admit that this was good.  And since I need a mountain of veggies of least once a day, some steamed broccoli and zygote carrots, with some more spinach hiding underneath.

I left work early today, as if I were going to class, but went home instead.  Because I had more time than I usually do, I decided to make something that had randomly popped into my head the other day.  The plan was to get it in the oven and then do some schoolwork.  I tried the “recipe” three times, and it did not work out quite as I had planned.  In fact, I ditched it all, and then I was so disgusted with myself for wasting all that money that I just gave up and reverted to one of my old standbys.

You know the drill… spaghetti squash, sauteed eggplant, “meatballs.”  This wasn’t quite what I wanted, I don’t think, but we’re kind of low on provisions (especially in the frozen vegetable department!) due to the upcoming holiday, so I had to make do.  I wasn’t happy about it.  It isn’t because of this in particular, but I’m experiencing a general feeling of discomfiture about everything, and it’s driving me crazy.

After the experiment turned debacle, I didn’t really have much time left for schoolwork!  Once again, I couldn’t be bothered to read the assigned articles … so I didn’t.  That I can manage to comment on articles I haven’t actually read, and that I can get by with little trouble while doing this proves the point that I don’t really need to actually sit in a classroom, and it makes me feel even more pissed off than ever that I can’t take online classes in the summer.  I hate.

The earrings I bought yesterday (that didn’t take long, did it?!):

I could have been skydiving today, which is annoying.  Instead I was at work.  I really need a vacation.  See, I have one co-worker whose work I am supposed to check after he’s done it, and because he is male and therefore cannot multitask, the fact that he is on Twitter all freaking day means that everything he does is rife with mistakes.  Mr. J tells me, “That’s what you’re paid for… it’s quality control,” when I express frustration at having to fix all of this co-worker’s mistakes.  Look, it’s not rocket science.  He’s been working here for over a year, he should have it down pat by now!  Mr. J checks my work, and he has never, not even once, brought me something to correct.  Because this particular task is so mindless, you don’t actually need a brain to do it!!  Am I so wrong to be annoyed??

The mindless parts of my job are a minefield for me, actually.  Some days just d-r-a-g on until I feel like I’d rather be peeling back my fingernails.  This is a problem.  Then again, life is one big problem I have yet to solve, so it’s fitting.

Have a great Thursday.

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
~Erma Bombeck

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13 responses to “Discomfited

  1. sorry about the work situation. i had to pick up the slack of my total douche coworker during summer. and he kept saying the staff wasn’t doing jack shit. it was HIM who was the lame ass.

    pretty earrings!

    and yes. THE SUN!

  2. i’m sorry about your great aunt, and about work. and dang you were up early! hope tomorrow is better for you

  3. imaginenamaste

    I’m sorry about your aunt! Imagine what you could see in 101 years! I don’t think not sobbing means you don’t care or that you are cold–everyone grieves differently at different levels.
    I detest people who do not pull their weight! DRIVES me nuts! I hope tomorrow is better for you and YES it is okay to get annoyed and mad!
    PS No green earrings for St. Patrick’s day???? 🙂

  4. OMG I am sooo sorry. Wow I cant believe you went to work and blogged, I mean even if she was elderly, still, I hope your family and you are doing ok! Hugs!!!! 🙂

  5. I’m really sorry to hear about your aunt passing love..
    It’s amazing what a long life she had.. 🙂
    I don’t think you’re cold for not crying..
    Our emotional reactions to situations very rarely seem to make sense..
    I wouldn’t judge yourself for not crying..
    I’m sure you’re grieving in your own way..
    It doesn’t have to be through wailing..
    Sometimes silent reflection helps more ya know?

    Love those earrings..
    You must have HUNDREDS of pairs..
    How do you keep them all organised?

    xox

  6. I go through the same kind of emotional numbness when my relatives pass away, but it could be due to the fact that my family isn’t really close-knit. Sorry to hear about your aunt, though; 101 is still pretty amazing.

    I need more help with being able to sleep in, as well. Although I don’t usually find myself up before 4, I can’t ever seem to sleep in past 4:30. Boo.

  7. I’m sorry to hear about your great aunt. Thinking about your family. It’s important to be there for each other right now.

  8. I’m sorry to hear about your aunt too. I don’t think you’re heartless either – I rarely know what I feel when something like that happens and I don’t tend to cry very often. Everyone reacts in different ways. Ack that sucks about work too, why can’t men sort their own messes out?!
    I do love your earrings, that colour orange is great 🙂

  9. sorry to hear about your great aunt. It’s OK to not cry. My grandmother died less than a year ago, and I didn’t cry. when it’s not such a surprise, it’s harder to cry

  10. so sorry to hear about your great aunt :[ mine passed a few years ago and while I was upset, I didn’t cry. I didn’t know her that well and it was her time so don’t feel too bad. you are NOT cold. you are so caring and so sweet. you don’t HAVE to cry to prove that.
    stay strong girl! and omg, the sun made me SO happy today too :] hehe

  11. I’m so sorry about your loss. I didn’t cry when my grandfather died either… I don’t think it makes us unfeeling people.

  12. hey girl!!
    im so sorry about your aunt 😦

    dont be too hard on yourself for not ‘sobbing’ over it. i dont tend to get emotional over those things either– its not like you can force yourself to feel a certain way. i always think that its easier to accept death when the person has had a full life…i mean its never easy but its almost as though you can admire and appreciate the light they brought you instead of being in a state of upset and devastation!

    xoxoxo

  13. I’m sorry to hear about your Great Aunt. It took me a really long time to cry about my grandpa passing, even though I was sad. I am not sure what my deal was.

    What the heck were in those boxes for your bro?

    I had an old coworker who was on Facebook ALL THE DAMN DAY and she made TONS of mistakes. It drove me bonkers!

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