“Thank you” are wholly inadequate words here, but I can’t think of any replacements to say how very much appreciated the support / comments on my last post … I’m not going to find other words, so I will just stop trying! I actually was going to skip blogging tonight, but then I realized that A) I already had a good chunk of it composed, since sometimes I blog in spurts throughout the day when I get a chance, and B) I was likely just going to be practicing avoidance by running away from something I don’t want to face. Again.
I can’t see (hear?) myself saying the words “I am struggling” out loud, so that obviously didn’t happen. I did tell my nutritionist that it was a very hard week. I’m sure that a large part of that was due to my unexpected days off; I like days off as much as the next person, but breaks in routine are always a little anxiety-provoking. When I don’t know about them in advance, they completely throw me for a loop. It’s nice to know that I’m capable of not completely falling apart at the seams… but it’s not so nice to know that I am capable of coming pretty damn close.
My nutritionist is “not happy” with me. Neither am I. That’s just about the only point upon which we agreed, because then I ran into the situation I knew to expect… the problem with admitting to a problem is that then you actually have to solve it. And as simple as it sounds in theory — just. eat. — well, theory isn’t always perfect. It also doesn’t negate terror…
Eh. So much for my self-control!
In my defense, my DCD and WCW are nearly finished. Don’t ask me why I got the cinnamon raisin swirl, since the raisins in there drove me crazy. Ah well.
Odd as it may seem at first glance, this was something my nutritionist “ordered” me to utilize:
Ever notice that food packages say “product sold by weight, not volume” on them? Yeah, so I had the brilliant idea of comparing the volume and weight of what is supposedly a serving size, and of course they don’t coincide at all. It freaked me out, and I decided that weight is more accurate. Which would be fine — albeit disordered! — except that in effect I was cutting my portion size practically in half. I was told to go back to the measuring cups. In an ideal world, I wouldn’t measure it at all, but hey, it’s not an ideal world.
My knee was killing me this morning. You know how something can hurt so badly that it almost makes you throw up? Yeah, like that. I have a vague recollection of wrenching my knee stepping off a snow bank last week, so I’m guessing this must be a super-delayed reaction to that. Either way, I just about died with every step I took. And I take a lot of steps.
However, my re-scheduled acupuncture appointment was today, so I asked him if he could stick a few needles in my knee too. Now it hurts, but nowhere near “I am going to throw up” status. As for my wrist, that still hurts like a bitch, but I guess it takes more than one treatment… considering it’s been an issue for a couple of years!
I tried this bar today.
I’ve tried the (dairy) peanut butter flavor in the past, and I did not like it at all. (It actually tasted exactly like a peanut chew, which I never liked.) This wasn’t nearly as bad, but still, there’s something “off” about it. The texture is just strange… it’s kind of chewy / gummy or something. I prefer NuGo Dark bars, which are the same thing, in theory. Just not as “sticky.”
I met my friend for lunch today — AKA, my “valentine.” Upon whom I bestowed the following:
Also in the bag which I toted through the wet snow:
Spinach (it’s under there somewhere) with roasted kabocha squash. The squash seemed kind of “meh,” so I overseasoned it with lots of paprika and chili powder… still, it was nowhere near what I know kabocha can be. Oh, well. The (unpictured) edamame redeemed this somewhat. I always forget how much I love unshelled edamame. Popping the beans out of the pods is such fun, and I apparently never outgrew playing with my food.
My too-tight goggles last week left a couple of tender spots on the sides of the bridge of my nose; it doesn’t bother me at all unless I put pressure on it, but I absolutely am not in need of additional pain and stress right now. Wearing the same goggles, even though I re-adjusted the fit, probably wouldn’t have been too comfortable. I used this instead.
I certainly paid enough for this… why restrict its usage to when I dive? That only happens three or four times a year. :( Anyway, it worked out quite nicely; I don’t need to wear nose plugs, and if the mask floods I can clear it without stopping my swim. Which, thankfully, was pretty peaceful. The water was a fairly comfortable temperature, and I realized a major part of why I love to be in the water… the way it rushes against one’s eardrums tends to interrupt cacophonous thoughts. Heaven knows I need all the help I can get in that area!
Since I did not fall asleep until after midnight last night, and I have a super-long day tomorrow (two “double” classes to make up for last week’s snow day… ugh), I should really be asleep. I fully intended to reply individually to every comment, but if I did that right now, anything I say will be totally incoherent because I am exhausted! So to come full circle (nice when that happens!), I’m just going to say thank you again. You are all amazing.
Have a happy Hump Day!
“Who knows what true loneliness is — not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.”