Thank You

“Thank you” are wholly inadequate words here, but I can’t think of any replacements to say how very much appreciated the support / comments on my last post … I’m not going to find other words, so I will just stop trying!  I actually was going to skip blogging tonight, but then I realized that A) I already had a good chunk of it composed, since sometimes I blog in spurts throughout the day when I get a chance, and B) I was likely just going to be practicing avoidance by running away from something I don’t want to face.  Again.

I can’t see (hear?) myself saying the words “I am struggling” out loud, so that obviously didn’t happen.  I did tell my nutritionist that it was a very hard week.  I’m sure that a large part of that was due to my unexpected days off; I like days off as much as the next person, but breaks in routine are always a little anxiety-provoking.  When I don’t know about them in advance, they completely throw me for a loop.  It’s nice to know that I’m capable of not completely falling apart at the seams… but it’s not so nice to know that I am capable of coming pretty damn close.

My nutritionist is “not happy” with me.  Neither am I.  That’s just about the only point upon which we agreed, because then I ran into the situation I knew to expect… the problem with admitting to a problem is that then you actually have to solve it.  And as simple as it sounds in theory — just. eat. — well, theory isn’t always perfect.  It also doesn’t negate terror…

Eh.  So much for my self-control!

In my defense, my DCD and WCW are nearly finished.  Don’t ask me why I got the cinnamon raisin swirl, since the raisins in there drove me crazy.  Ah well.

Odd as it may seem at first glance, this was something my nutritionist “ordered” me to utilize:

Ever notice that food packages say “product sold by weight, not volume” on them?  Yeah, so I had the brilliant idea of comparing the volume and weight of what is supposedly a serving size, and of course they don’t coincide at all.  It freaked me out, and I decided that weight is more accurate.  Which would be fine — albeit disordered! — except that in effect I was cutting my portion size practically in half.  I was told to go back to the measuring cups.  In an ideal world, I wouldn’t measure it at all, but hey, it’s not an ideal world.

My knee was killing me this morning.  You know how something can hurt so badly that it almost makes you throw up?  Yeah, like that.  I have a vague recollection of wrenching my knee stepping off a snow bank last week, so I’m guessing this must be a super-delayed reaction to that.  Either way, I just about died with every step I took.  And I take a lot of steps.

However, my re-scheduled acupuncture appointment was today, so I asked him if he could stick a few needles in my knee too.  Now it hurts, but nowhere near “I am going to throw up” status.  As for my wrist, that still hurts like a bitch, but I guess it takes more than one treatment… considering it’s been an issue for a couple of years!

I tried this bar today. 

I’ve tried the (dairy) peanut butter flavor in the past, and I did not like it at all.  (It actually tasted exactly like a peanut chew, which I never liked.)  This wasn’t nearly as bad, but still, there’s something “off” about it. The texture is just strange… it’s kind of chewy / gummy or something. I prefer NuGo Dark bars, which are the same thing, in theory.  Just not as “sticky.”

I met my friend for lunch today — AKA, my “valentine.” Upon whom I bestowed the following:

Also in the bag which I toted through the wet snow:

Spinach (it’s under there somewhere) with roasted kabocha squash.  The squash seemed kind of “meh,” so I overseasoned it with lots of paprika and chili powder… still, it was nowhere near what I know kabocha can be.  Oh, well.  The (unpictured) edamame redeemed this somewhat.  I always forget how much I love unshelled edamame.  Popping the beans out of the pods is such fun, and I apparently never outgrew playing with my food.

My too-tight goggles last week left a couple of tender spots on the sides of the bridge of my nose; it doesn’t bother me at all unless I put pressure on it, but I absolutely am not in need of additional pain and stress right now.  Wearing the same goggles, even though I re-adjusted the fit, probably wouldn’t have been too comfortable.  I used this instead.

I certainly paid enough for this… why restrict its usage to when I dive?  That only happens three or four times a year.  😦  Anyway, it worked out quite nicely; I don’t need to wear nose plugs, and if the mask floods I can clear it without stopping my swim.  Which, thankfully, was pretty peaceful.  The water was a fairly comfortable temperature, and I realized a major part of why I love to be in the water… the way it rushes against one’s eardrums tends to interrupt cacophonous thoughts.  Heaven knows I need all the help I can get in that area!

Since I did not fall asleep until after midnight last night, and I have a super-long day tomorrow (two “double” classes to make up for last week’s snow day… ugh), I should really be asleep.  I fully intended to reply individually to every comment, but if I did that right now, anything I say will be totally incoherent because I am exhausted!  So to come full circle (nice when that happens!), I’m just going to say thank you again.  You are all amazing.

Have a happy Hump Day!

“Who knows what true loneliness is — not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.”
~Joseph Conrad


10 responses to “Thank You

  1. what a cute valentine’s day gift! =D

    gawd, you made me miss kabocha. =(

    eww. class and HUMP day. bleh!


  2. you’re right, a theory doesn’t negate terror! only in vivo exposure therapy does ;). the more you practice the things that freak you out the easier they’ll become. good first step with going back to the measuring cups, of course it’d be ideal to not measure at all, but take what you can get for now. im glad you told your N that it’s been a hard week, continue to be honest about your struggles!

  3. The thing that always annoyed me about eating disorders was exactly that – talking about what scared me got me nowhere, only facing it made any difference. And the real pain was that you could face a fear, get over it, and then if you got stressed or ill and slipped back it would be JUST as terrifying again. It doesn’t have to be an endless cycle though, every time you go through this you are gaining experience in fighting it more or less on your own, and one day you will pull yourself out of a rut for the last time and stay well. This is my belief and I’m sticking to it 😉

    Good luck with your long day! x

  4. I used to be on the swim team and I had never thought about the water canceling out all thoughts as it rushed by. You are sort of right. Now that I remember, my thoughts were not based on very substantial things. I would think of songs in my head and other little things. No worries. No outside noise. It was peaceful.

    Wow, the measurements surprised me. I didn’t know there would be a difference in calories if you weighed the food instead of measuring it. But, what we don’t know doesn’t hurt us, does it? I suggest erasing that knowledge from your mind. If your doctor suggests you use measuring cups (and you feel like you have to still) then use them. Eventually you will be able to rid yourself of the anxiety. It takes baby steps. It won’t happen overnight. And just the fact that you are accepting the fact that you have an eating disorder and you are trying to recover is a BIG step. You are headed in the right direction, girl. Keep it up. 🙂

  5. It sounds as if things are looking a little more positive for you today, and I am so glad to hear it!

    Have a fabulous, fabulous day, my dear 🙂

  6. I am so sorry that I missed the last post – my workload is insane right now but that’s no excuse and I have no idea how it slipped through my Google reader. I may be too late in saying this but I think admitting to yourself that you are struggling is far more significant than confessing to anyone else. Nutritionist aside, you know that something is wrong and because EDs operate by stealth at least you’ve taken away it’s element of surprise, as it were. But there are positives here too: you have decided to actively take steps to combat the disordered thoughts and actions, which suggets a will to recover that many never possess. I wish I could have been there for you in my limited capacity at the time…better late than never, I hope…although I’m never sure I have anything to say that’s that helpful or insightful!

    On a lighter note, I covet your nut butter collection as always. If only teleporters existed and you could vaporize some from Whole Foods to me 😉

    Sorry about your knee and the kabocha fail 😦 It looks lovely to me (the kabocha that is, although I’m sure your knee is lovely too) but yay for a non-frostbite-inducing swim.



  7. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    i am so sorry to hear that you are struggling- i read your post but didn’t comment. I know how tough ED can be and i think realizing you are in a bad place is a huge step! i know you can get out of this- just stay strong. i am here to support you ❤ please don't give up. llove pb&co 🙂


  8. Taking action is always terrifying at first, but it gets easier over time, provided you stick with it. I think measuring instead of weighing is a great first step… Not measuring things is ideal of course, but baby steps will get you there with more sanity in tact than going cold turkey will. Stay strong, hun. I know you have it in you to conquer this. ❤

  9. Pingback: Nuts Over Needles « Blue Eyed Heart

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