There are some things that are hard for me to say.  It’s one thing for me to write it out, even on my blog, where I know other people will read it; it’s another thing entirely for me to air certain concerns in a forum where I know that, as a result, I will be held accountable for my actions.  Or lack thereof.

I’m pretty open on here, I think (privacy-related paranoia aside!), and obviously I have no issues with griping and whining, but beyond that, I won’t really say very much.  I don’t see the point.  I still don’t, but I’m saying it now: I am struggling.  It’s hard for me to accept that, because in all of my past experiences, that could only be validated if it was accompanied by weight loss.  I don’t know whether that’s the case right now, and quite frankly, it doesn’t matter.  It’s behavioral at this point.  I have too many things competing for my attention, and I am having so much anxiety that I swear I am giving myself an ulcer.  Maybe anorexia’s way of making everything seem all right again is to compel me to weigh out every last lettuce leaf I consume, but I am sorry, it is not working.  Actually, it’s just making it worse.

Like I said, it’s one thing for me to say that here… I need to be able to break out of playing the “perfectly fine” role long enough to actually say it somewhere where it would serve a purpose.  To be honest, I don’t have much faith in my ability to do that.  But I am seeing my nutritionist tonight, and I am going to at least try.  Because I am on the verge of losing what little sanity I have left, and I really can’t afford to let that happen.

Last night, I went to bed at 11.30 with a headache; I woke up at 1.15 with a throbbing headache.  I took some ibuprofen and went back to sleep, and in the morning, I was seeing spots… in terror of a migraine, I took some Excedrin Migraine, and thankfully, I did not get a migraine.  Phew.  I didn’t have work today — thank you, presidents.  I also did not accomplish anywhere near as much schoolwork as I could / should have, which kind of sucks.  Oh, well.  At least I did something, right?

It is very difficult for me to find whey protein powder which is permissible for me.  Until fairly recently, it was completely impossible.  Now it exists, but because there is not much competition in that market, it costs an arm and a leg and your first-born child.  But I really have no other choice if I want whey protein powder, so yesterday I purchased this.

I actually wanted chocolate, but oddly, they don’t make it in chocolate.  My second choice was vanilla, but this one is sugar-free, and that wasn’t available in vanilla either.  So I toted this home, and then I realized that the expiration date was in September.  There is no way in hell I am capable of finishing a two-pound tub of protein powder by then, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for this:

Good until January 2011 — only four months more, but it’s half the size.  Also not sugar-free, but there’s just 1g of sugar in it, so I think I can get over it.

Having gotten my hands on whey protein powder, it was time for protein pancakes, take three.

Recipe development is extremely frustrating.  The batter was much, much thinner than the soy protein batter; in fact, it was so thin that I couldn’t even use a griddle.  I had to use a small skillet in order to get round pancakes.  I have no idea why the edges curled up that way, either.  They weren’t tough at all, but they were kind of “eggy”; weird, since I added some extra protein powder because the batter was so thin!  I think that next up will be a combination of soy and whey protein powders.

The requisite massive salad, of course.

Romaine, yellow squash, cucumber, red pepper, yellow pepper, orange pepper, grilled portobella caps, and tofu cutlet.  I am mortified to admit how very expensive this turned out to be… the yellow squash cost $3.59/lb.  That is so outrageous that I was sure I was imagining things when the cashier rang it up, but when I got home I examined the receipt and it really was that expensive… I know where I won’t be buying much produce anymore!  Though honestly, when I get into a state of panic and anxiety, all thoughts of frugality kind of fly out the window.  Which explains how I wound up with such expensive peppers, mushrooms, and cucumber.  Different store, different day.  La de da.

I tried a new product today…

Dr. Praeger’s meatless Southwest burgers; they’re not actually on the website yet, so I can’t link to it!

I was never a fan of Dr. Praeger’s veggie burgers because they’re kind of skimpy on the protein, but the stats on these were much better than the ones I’ve seen in the past, so I grabbed a box to try.

Verdict: pretty good.  I didn’t like how greasy it got (having to blot is kind of gross), and I didn’t like that I can’t just pop it in the microwave.  (Actually, maybe I can… the box just doesn’t say so.)  Those issues aside, it had a nice, subtly spicy flavor and a much better texture than the Dr. Praeger’s veggie burgers I’ve tried in the past — meaning, it didn’t fall apart the moment I thought about touching it.  And I like that they come individually wrapped; freezer burn is never too appealing.

And… I’m off.  Have a great Tuesday.

“Anxiety is fear of one’s self.”
~Wilhelm Stekel
(Could this BE any more true?!)


20 responses to ““Confession”

  1. admitting to your struggles only shows your strength. I admire that and I think you’ll receive a lot of wonderful feedback. If you ever, ever want to talk you know how to find me.

    thinking of you–and don’t forget, you’re not alone.
    xo bec

  2. prayers your way love, email me if you want to talk . theres a light at the end of this tunnel girl. you are strong and awesome, you are never alone! God is holding you!

  3. I wish I could try that burger, but it’s not vegan. 😦 I had the garden veggie variety tonight for the first time and really liked it! It was a little crumbly, but the flavor was good.

  4. I think its very brave of you to admit you’re struggling. We all are sometimes. I should confess that Im still pretty gaurded in what I say on my blog still, so I can only commend you on your honesty. But I know if Im ever going to get better I should work on being more honest about what I’m going through and stop ignoring it.

  5. I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time right now… I wish I knew what to say. Always here for you, L.

  6. the doctor (prager) always does me dirrrty like that, oil that you have to blot off, lame! i’m sorry that you’re struggling and feel compelled to be in the “everything is fine” mode allt he time. i hope that you can open up here, you know we’ll all support you, but more importantly in your day to day life. you need as much help as you can get, but you’ve gotta help others help you (so corny, but a med student said that to me and it really stuck.) i hope you feel better, let me know if i can help in any way, i’m always here if you want to vent!

  7. It takes a lot of guts to admit that you’re struggling, and that only shows you have lots of strength… and it’s great to see that you’re taking action and getting some help. The behavioral things are the hardest to deal with; they take up so much time and energy, it’s crazy! But they’re also the most rewarding to get rid of. Stay strong, hun. Don’t let it drive you crazy ❤

  8. dude, i’m struggling but i don’t talk about it a lot either! ugh!
    i always find prager burgers to be so greasy. not fun. i already have oily skin. i don’t need it in my tummy!
    and yes, massive salads….rock.

  9. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much ❤ It's weird how behavioural stuff can creep up on you, isn't it? It took me ages to stop weighing ridiculous things like cherry tomatoes and mushrooms, for about six months every time I thought I had it sorted I'd find myself doing it when I was tired or anxious, then I'd be doing it constantly for the next fortnight. Well done for 'confessing' here, that takes guts. It's easy to pretend everything is OK but it doesn't get you anywhere. I hope your nutritionist was helpful!

  10. I hope the meeting went well with your Nutritionist and you start to feel better soon. It’s okay to admit it’s hard. Everyone struggles with something. Let us know how we can help!

  11. I go through phases where behaviours are worse- looking back, I can see that it’s usually a response (read: way of blocking out) stress/anxiety/exhaustion. Are you getting enough sleep? I know you know this already, but restricting makes it worse and I think that it’s times like this that it’s really important to follow meal plans to the T. Recovery is easy when you feel good, right? It’s when you aren’t feeling motivated/on top of urges that t’s important to 1) be open about what’s going on (can you email this post to your therapist?) and 2) fight back harder.

    Question about your pancakes- are they just eggs, baking powder and protein powder? Ie, more of a microwaved omelette than a pancake? Or do they have flour? *confused*

  12. Honey I am sooo sorry you’re struggling and having anxiety and that things are hard for you right now. Here’s a big cyber hug for you 🙂
    And thx for your salsa sodium work 🙂

  13. Sorry to hear your struggling, its ok to admit that though and sometimes its better to come out and say it, it can be a relief in a way.
    I find when I struggle my behaviours go crazy as well, just take a step back and say to yourself what does weighing out my lettuce really achieve?Nothing but keeping you trapped in that cycle.

    Ive only ever really used protein powder to make milkshakes. I tried it in oats once and that failed big time! I also tried pancakes as well, they were edible but that was about it 🙂


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