There are some things that are hard for me to say. It’s one thing for me to write it out, even on my blog, where I know other people will read it; it’s another thing entirely for me to air certain concerns in a forum where I know that, as a result, I will be held accountable for my actions. Or lack thereof.
I’m pretty open on here, I think (privacy-related paranoia aside!), and obviously I have no issues with griping and whining, but beyond that, I won’t really say very much. I don’t see the point. I still don’t, but I’m saying it now: I am struggling. It’s hard for me to accept that, because in all of my past experiences, that could only be validated if it was accompanied by weight loss. I don’t know whether that’s the case right now, and quite frankly, it doesn’t matter. It’s behavioral at this point. I have too many things competing for my attention, and I am having so much anxiety that I swear I am giving myself an ulcer. Maybe anorexia’s way of making everything seem all right again is to compel me to weigh out every last lettuce leaf I consume, but I am sorry, it is not working. Actually, it’s just making it worse.
Like I said, it’s one thing for me to say that here… I need to be able to break out of playing the “perfectly fine” role long enough to actually say it somewhere where it would serve a purpose. To be honest, I don’t have much faith in my ability to do that. But I am seeing my nutritionist tonight, and I am going to at least try. Because I am on the verge of losing what little sanity I have left, and I really can’t afford to let that happen.
Last night, I went to bed at 11.30 with a headache; I woke up at 1.15 with a throbbing headache. I took some ibuprofen and went back to sleep, and in the morning, I was seeing spots… in terror of a migraine, I took some Excedrin Migraine, and thankfully, I did not get a migraine. Phew. I didn’t have work today — thank you, presidents. I also did not accomplish anywhere near as much schoolwork as I could / should have, which kind of sucks. Oh, well. At least I did something, right?
It is very difficult for me to find whey protein powder which is permissible for me. Until fairly recently, it was completely impossible. Now it exists, but because there is not much competition in that market, it costs an arm and a leg and your first-born child. But I really have no other choice if I want whey protein powder, so yesterday I purchased this.
I actually wanted chocolate, but oddly, they don’t make it in chocolate. My second choice was vanilla, but this one is sugar-free, and that wasn’t available in vanilla either. So I toted this home, and then I realized that the expiration date was in September. There is no way in hell I am capable of finishing a two-pound tub of protein powder by then, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for this:
Good until January 2011 — only four months more, but it’s half the size. Also not sugar-free, but there’s just 1g of sugar in it, so I think I can get over it.
Recipe development is extremely frustrating. The batter was much, much thinner than the soy protein batter; in fact, it was so thin that I couldn’t even use a griddle. I had to use a small skillet in order to get round pancakes. I have no idea why the edges curled up that way, either. They weren’t tough at all, but they were kind of “eggy”; weird, since I added some extra protein powder because the batter was so thin! I think that next up will be a combination of soy and whey protein powders.
The requisite massive salad, of course.
Romaine, yellow squash, cucumber, red pepper, yellow pepper, orange pepper, grilled portobella caps, and tofu cutlet. I am mortified to admit how very expensive this turned out to be… the yellow squash cost $3.59/lb. That is so outrageous that I was sure I was imagining things when the cashier rang it up, but when I got home I examined the receipt and it really was that expensive… I know where I won’t be buying much produce anymore! Though honestly, when I get into a state of panic and anxiety, all thoughts of frugality kind of fly out the window. Which explains how I wound up with such expensive peppers, mushrooms, and cucumber. Different store, different day. La de da.
I tried a new product today…
Dr. Praeger’s meatless Southwest burgers; they’re not actually on the website yet, so I can’t link to it!
I was never a fan of Dr. Praeger’s veggie burgers because they’re kind of skimpy on the protein, but the stats on these were much better than the ones I’ve seen in the past, so I grabbed a box to try.
Verdict: pretty good. I didn’t like how greasy it got (having to blot is kind of gross), and I didn’t like that I can’t just pop it in the microwave. (Actually, maybe I can… the box just doesn’t say so.) Those issues aside, it had a nice, subtly spicy flavor and a much better texture than the Dr. Praeger’s veggie burgers I’ve tried in the past — meaning, it didn’t fall apart the moment I thought about touching it. And I like that they come individually wrapped; freezer burn is never too appealing.
And… I’m off. Have a great Tuesday.
“Anxiety is fear of one’s self.”
(Could this BE any more true?!)