You know how sometimes, you think you’re feeling just fine and dandy (or about as fine and dandy as you ever do), and then something minute and stupid happens and the way it gets under your skin lets you know that you haven’t been so fine and dandy all along?  Yeah, I’m kind of “in a mood.”

This is totally unrelated to the above, but something happened to my knee.  Or my hamstring, I can’t really tell.  While I was asleep.  Other people get injured while they’re actually doing something; I am so talented that I manage to do it while lazing around.  It doesn’t really hurt, it just twinges; but it’s extremely annoying.

I had an aphorismic (is that a word?… it is now) thought last night: The benefit of self-loathing is that nobody will ever hate you as much as you hate yourself.  It makes perfect sense, really.  Also not the most “appropriate” ruminations for Valentine’s Day!

Last week I randomly found this mug in my basement.  I have no idea when or how or why it appeared in my house, but I don’t really care; I liked it, so I adopted it.  Last night I used it for a monstrous bowl (mug?) of apple pie oat bran.

Oat bran, Truvia, apple pie filling, and cinnamon.

And then I used it today in conjunction with a new jar of salsa.

I can’t even begin to describe the incredible anxiety and agony that went into this next “creation.”  Well, actually, I can, but that would just be whining and moaning and nobody wants to hear that, especially if it serves no purpose, which it doesn’t, so I’ll just save it!

Wheat berries, tofu steak, spinach, broccoli, zygote carrots, and raspberry chipotle salsa.  Not a fork-and-knife meal.  Didn’t really help the already-prevalent anxiety.  Oh well!

That’s one thing that never changes.  My earrings will always match what I’m wearing; if they don’t, it means I’m as good as gone.

Not to be overly depressing, or anything, but sometimes I wish that were the case.  I am frustrated and irritated and feeling out of sorts and like I can’t do a damn thing about it, even though I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who can change it.  When I was in high school, one of my friends was forever singing Simon and Garfunkel’s I Am A Rock:

I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

That described me perfectly then; we were all in agreement on that.  It probably describes me perfectly now, too, if only out of sheer convenience.  I have to feel (or not feel) that way.  I have no other option.  (Though I would like to point out that an island is essentially situated in an endless pool of tears.  Just saying.)

Happy Presidents’ Day, if you’re in the States; happy Monday, if you’re not.

“Whether happiness may come or not, one should try and prepare one’s self to do without it.”
~George Eliot
(I apparently suck at preparation)


13 responses to “Irritated

  1. sorry about your hamstring/knee issue. I HATE THAT! my knee has just healed and now i can totally turn up the heat whoo hoo! today has been an EPIC chore in some aspects. UGH!

    i am a rock. totally love that song.

    feel better!

  2. I am sorry your day hasn’t been so great. Maybe, since the pain started in your sleep, it will go away in your sleep tonight! 🙂

  3. “I am so talented that I manage to do it while lazing around.”–
    Girl. I have injuries that seem to rear their head at 3:12am. outta no where i shoot up with a leg pain. I hear ya.

    Your earrings are gorgeous.

    And raspberry salsa. OMG i need that! I hate salt/sodium and most salsas are all salt and i bet that one is low on the salt. Which would be perfecto for me 🙂

  4. LOL oh man, your aphorism is straight up genius. i love it, though i probably shouldn’t ;). sorry about your knee/hamstring, that’s lame! i always manage to tweak my neck in my sleep, the kind where you can’t turn your head properly the next day. so rad. i can imagine your anxiety in having a very different dinner than you usually do, but i’ll tell you that it looks delicious and healthy and i’m glad you branched otu there! is that a helen’s tofu steak?

  5. Glad I’m not the only one who apparently is fighting ninjas in her sleep. 😉 I wake up with battle scars and am so incredibly confused. As for the “moods” you mentioned in the first paragraph, I hear you one hundred and ten percent. I’ll be going along just “fine,” and then suddenly be a hot mess. Hopefully tomorrow will treat you better.


  6. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    please stay strong. i am so sorry to hear you are struggling but your eats do look delicious. hopefully you have a good day tomorrow because it makes me so sad to hear you feel down on yourself- you are a beautiful, amazing person


  7. There are several thought processes related to your random valentine’s day insight, including ‘if I am hopeless I can’t be hurt’, which is the one I always got stuck on. Being depressed has benefits – if you are as low as you can get, nothing anyone else can do or life can throw at you can make much difference. My ‘just saying’ thought would have to be that safety and predictability, whilst…uh, safe and predictable, also get very boring after a while. No, I don’t mean that you’re boring, I mean I got very bored living like that – I wasn’t going anywhere or doing anything that meant anything to me. I don’t think depression or eating disorders are a choice, they are an illness, but the amount of time and effort you put into trying to get back on your feet are up to you. I think you challenge yourself a lot already, but accepting the safety of hating yourself isn’t the way to keep going forward.

    I know, I’m like the Mary Poppins of mental health. You’re welcome to give me a virtual slap 😛

    Thank you so much for the earrings! They’re really pretty 🙂

  8. Sorry your day wasn’t so stellar. Hope today is better, and you get the best, most restful night of sleep. Or a nap! Sometimes I can’t sleep at night but can conk out for 2+ hours during the day.

  9. you had no choice in developing your eating disorder, IMHO. however, desaling with your thoughts, feelings, and how actuvaley you pursue recovery i do believe is up to the individual. however much trust you are willing to put into your self and recovery i believe is exactly how well you will do in recovery. kinda like the “you get what you put in” attitude.

    prolly not what you want to hear but i do think it is true- trust me it sucks. i bitch and complain 24/7 about mood swings and depression and obnoxious no-good-reason anxiety i get !

  10. I’m sorry you didn’t have a great day, love. I go through those moods too where one minute I’m fine and then I snap for no reason; not pleasant, but thankfully they do tend to pass.

    I manage to hurt myself in my sleep as well, but its usually my neck and arms. I hope you find yourself feeling better soon *hugs*

  11. I love the way you managed to deconstruct that song…ironically it put a smile on my face because it was such a witty and incisive observation.

    I often have thoughts like that too: that’s why I constantly berate myself in real life verbally, because I figure that if I insult myself horribly enough then no-one else will get the satisfaction of doing it. I do believe the things I say too though, and it is a defence mechanism against getting hurt. But those thoughts aren’t rational and I see absolutely no reason for you to hate yourself. Hate your disorder, perhaps, but it’s just a facet of you and certainly doesn’t define you in any way. We both need to challenge those thoughts and assumptions about ourselves if we are ever going to move forward in life.

    I hate Valentines’ day, so a little cynicism was more than welcome for me 😉

    Oh, and both your earrings and your oat bran look gorgeous. Random but true.

    Hope the week gets better for you.


  12. Rasberry chepotle? Never tried it!
    You have to trust yourself with the recovery process – don’t let your feelings keep you down and try to always focus on the positive!
    Happy monday,
    xox Vera

  13. Pingback: Idiocy Pays « Blue Eyed Heart

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