Three Years

On Saturday, it will be exactly three years since I went IP.  It is due to the curse of being incapable of forgetting “significant dates” that I remember this.  I’m trying to remember exactly what was so different about my life back then which landed me where it did, but I honestly have no idea.

My entire IP experience can best be summed up using these two words: Total Hell.  I am pretty sure that I emerged from it with more mental hang-ups than I possessed when I entered, but it was so miserable that I seem to have somehow found a way of perfecting the balance between being thisclose to going back while not actually having to do that.  So, in essence, am I just living a sort of “Groundhog Day” existence similar to the one I was living three years ago?!  My, isn’t that a cheerful thought.

I don’t like “significant days.”


Last night I only woke up once; does that mean that I’ll actually sleep through the night tonight?!… I suppose stranger things have happened.

I found these earrings buried somewhere in my room… I bought them ages ago and never wore them.  I guess that means they qualify as “new.”

Today was a very. long. day.  Primarily because my wrist had me in complete agony.  I really need to do something about this, but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do, except for become a woman of means who lives a life of leisure.  And that isn’t looking too likely, unfortunately.

I actually did get around to creating the “new recipe that popped into my head in a moment of brilliance,” which was kind of put on the back burner (no pun intended!) when certain other events interfered.  But, I now present you with the individual vegan lasagna.

It involved one sheet of lasagna, tofu, re-hydrated TVP, pasta sauce, salsa, and this cheese:

First of all, this stuff stinks.  Like cheese, actually, but since I don’t like cheese, I couldn’t stand that.  And “it melts”?!  Come on!  It does not.  Observe:

before

after

In my world, that isn’t exactly called “melting.”  But whatever.

It looks close enough to regular lasagna, I guess.  Except that the layers totally didn’t stick together.  I think this requires some fine-tuning… but here’s a not-so-appetizing cross-section!

Oh, well.  At least this never disappoints:

vanilla yogurt, crumbled apple cinnamon mini muffin, my weight in cinnamon

vanilla yogurt, crumbled apple cinnamon mini muffin, my weight in cinnamon

Not that you’d know this by the fact that I am sitting here and blogging, but I have an enormous mountain of reading to get through for school.  How am I supposed to get it done when I feel exhausted just thinking about it??  And I need to come up with multiple topics for papers / projects.  That’s practically worse than doing the project itself… and trust me, it’s pretty damn bad.  I should stop freaking out and do something… I just feel completely drained and worn out from it, and I haven’t even started yet.

We have a pretty full house here this weekend… my aunt and uncle are coming for Shabbos again, and three of my cousins are staying here too.  Eek.  Just… eek.

Hope you have a great weekend!

If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there.
~ Lewis Carroll

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13 responses to “Three Years

  1. i think it’s been 3 years since i was diagnosed with anorexia. fun times. thanks for making me remember. =)

    anyways, YAY FOR THE PROJECT with teh pyrex dish. it’s okay, my lasagne that i make for moms and sister ALWAYS falls apart. oh well. and how strange the cheese does not melt.

    i gotta try your little creations soon!

  2. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce

    sorry about the family converging on your casa, that’s uncomfy! yeah, that cheese didn’t melt. false advertisement! 3 years feels like an eternity, but it also feels like yesterday. odd. IP = hell seems lke a pretty accurate description. glad you’re out of there and hope you never ever need to go there again!

  3. I’m glad to hear you slept through the night. I try to leave my days in treatment in the past, honestly. I’m just trying to stay in the present instead of looking forward or backward. It helps!

    Great earrings!
    Lots of love,
    Lexi

    p.s. that lasagna looks amazingggg

  4. I use to have a nasty habit of remembering significant days as well and really stressing myself out over them. But it’s best to leave the past in the past; can’t go back and change it, but we can make things better in the future.

    Sorry to hear about all the work piling up on you. I feel the same way. Sometimes it seems like there’s so much that you just don’t know where to start. *hugs* Try and enjoy your weekend, hun.

  5. Wow those earrings are triiippy!
    I’m the same with remembering significant dates. I think the only solution is making a point to develop new happier and healthier memories on the same days to replace them. I hope you’re able to move forward to a place where you’re not constantly on the brink of being back IP. Because you’re right, it is a pretty hellish situation.
    Sorry about the mini family reunion at your house. Maybe the awkwardness of that will motivate you to get your schoolwork done in order to get away from it all!

    Rachael*

  6. Vegan cheese never does tend to melt very well. But I think you did a fantastic job with that lasagne. I would certainly pay for it in a restaurant!

    I’m so scatterbrained that I tend to forget significant dates. Having never been in IP, I can’t imagine how traumatic it must have been but it’s good that you’ve been able to stabilise yourself sufficiently to avoid another spell there. Being cloistered in with so many other people with eating disorders must produce a competitive mentality and exacerbate negative behaviours, but I suppose it’s necessary when people are in serious danger of death…it’s a thorny issue though. I’m not sure what a better solution would be. but the way things are isn’t right either. What a senseless ramble this is turning into…

    You’ll get the schoolwork done; you always do! I hate thinking of titles too…they’re usually the last thing I come up with after finishing each paper unless an abstract is required beforehand. It’s so hard to define a 10,000 word plus assignment in just one phrase or sentence…but I’m sure you can do it 🙂

    ~Jess~

  7. I still have awful feelings about my time in hospital, it just serves as a reminder that we never want to go back there!

    I think you did a fab job with the lasagna, it looks fantastic, Ive been toying with idea of making one recently.
    xox
    Laura

  8. Wow that’s odd – on Sunday it’ll be exactly three years since I went IP! Also hell. The rest of the world rocks in comparison to hospital 😉 I suck with significant days too, good luck on Saturday ❤

    Those earrings are my favourite yet! They are so pretty. I collect earrings too, I had quite a big collection but kind of forgot that I liked them when I got ill. Will have to remedy this! The lasagne looks good too, it was ingenius of you to put salsa in lasagne 🙂

  9. Good luck getting all your reading done. I’ll be right there with ya this weekend!

    That lasagne looks good, even if the melt-less cheese was a little funk.

    (Congrats on making it through these three years 🙂 )

  10. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    stay positive, you can get it done and i know you will 🙂 i think the lasagna actually looks pretty good!! i feel you w/ the significant day thing…

    xoxo
    shelley
    http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com

  11. I feel you with the significant day….I think I try to block out many specific memories of treatment things. I remember the lessons, I try to forget the circumstances. I know I have learned and changed–just as your amazing self 🙂

    I love your earrings! I never wear more than little ones! Not exciting enough, I guess! I hope your weekend is relaxing!

  12. thanks for saying that cheeze doesnt melt. in vegan circles, i have been told, oh yeah, it does. but you’re say no. ok, thank you for saving me money. i prob never would have bought it anyway b/c i dont miss cheese, but hey, thanks for the 411. And i think your lasagna looks really good, cross section and all 🙂

  13. Aww I’m sorry about the wrist, girlie, I hope the lasagna helped a bit!

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