In March, it will be one year since I’ve begun blogging.
I was thinking of doing a “My Favorite Things” giveaway to celebrate the blogiversary; and then, as I tend to do, I started to think about things too much. Of course, it didn’t help that there were some other factors in play, which I won’t get into because they don’t really matter and nobody needs or wants to know about them!
During my overthinking this weekend, I thought back to why I first started blogging, and where I was in my life at the time. I know that I always intended for my blog to be a sort of diary, which meant that there would be no clear purpose or direction; it just is. It doesn’t fit into any particular niche, and I thought I was okay with that. But recently I’ve been wondering if I’m just opening another avenue for myself to feel like I don’t belong somewhere. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like a misfit, no matter where I go or what I do. But I find change so difficult to deal with that once I get attached to something, I’m loath to let it go, even if it’s not necessarily something that is beneficial for me.
What is not beneficial for me: feeling like an outcast; feeling “not good enough”; allowing the annoying “competitive voice” take over when I stumble across blogs that are far too explicit (some variations include: I was / am at a BMI of -20, I nearly died sooo many times, I’m special / different and can exist perfectly well with an eating disorder even though nobody else should [this last one is probably because it hits too close to home]); comparing myself to other people; living my real life based around a virtual one; trying to please everyone; not standing up for my beliefs if they go against the grain; thinking too much.
At the same time, I have met some truly awesome and incredible people through blogging, and it has given me a type of support which I had never before encountered. And which I still don’t encounter in “the real world” — if I do, I’m too blind and stupid to notice or take advantage of it.
That brings me to where I was in my life a year ago versus where I am today. It’s frustrating to me that there isn’t much of a significant difference. I’m a year older, I’m a year closer to my degree… but that’s about it. I may have made several “realizations” that can bring me closer to this so-called “self-actualization,” which I am beginning to think is a total myth, but beyond that, I feel like I am stuck. It isn’t that I am an advocate of anorexia; quite the opposite. I think it is one of the worst things in the world. That said, it must be doing something for me, or I wouldn’t find it so $#!&ing hard to let it go. I just wish I knew what that “something” was, so I could find a replacement for it.
I know this: I am superb at avoiding things when I want to avoid them. If something is too uncomfortable / frightening / distressing for me to deal with it, it is not unheard of for me to run away. I also know that, whether it be true or just my belief, I am a pain in the butt, and I am very good at wearing out my welcome. These two things seem to be parallels of each other… I get the sense that I am no longer needed / wanted somewhere, so, obedient thing that I am, I take off.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life running away from everyone and everything. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life running from myself.
As is wont to be the case with me, I’m not quite sure what the point of this post was meant to be. That’s sort of fitting, I guess, because it can just float along out there, kind of like I do, taking on the shape of whatever someone else wants it to be… and ultimately pleasing no one, because that appears to be my specialty.
I’m sorry for all that babble — for someone who claims / wants to be a writer, I can certainly be extraordinarily bad at conveying a written message. (Though in my defense, I was uncharacteristically disciplined and posted all of my comments on the incomphrensible articles I needed to read for school before I began this post.) But because I have exhausted my word stores, the pictures appear sans commentary. Try to contain your tears.