(Where) Do I Go?

In March, it will be one year since I’ve begun blogging.

I was thinking of doing a “My Favorite Things” giveaway to celebrate the blogiversary; and then, as I tend to do, I started to think about things too much.  Of course, it didn’t help that there were some other factors in play, which I won’t get into because they don’t really matter and nobody needs or wants to know about them!

During my overthinking this weekend, I thought back to why I first started blogging, and where I was in my life at the time.  I know that I always intended for my blog to be a sort of diary, which meant that there would be no clear purpose or direction; it just is.  It doesn’t fit into any particular niche, and I thought I was okay with that.  But recently I’ve been wondering if I’m just opening another avenue for myself to feel like I don’t belong somewhere.  I’ve spent most of my life feeling like a misfit, no matter where I go or what I do.  But I find change so difficult to deal with that once I get attached to something, I’m loath to let it go, even if it’s not necessarily something that is beneficial for me.

What is not beneficial for me: feeling like an outcast; feeling “not good enough”; allowing the annoying “competitive voice” take over when I stumble across blogs that are far too explicit (some variations include: I was / am at a BMI of -20, I nearly died sooo many times, I’m special / different and can exist perfectly well with an eating disorder even though nobody else should [this last one is probably because it hits too close to home]); comparing myself to other people; living my real life based around a virtual one; trying to please everyone; not standing up for my beliefs if they go against the grain; thinking too much. 

At the same time, I have met some truly awesome and incredible people through blogging, and it has given me a type of support which I had never before encountered.  And which I still don’t encounter in “the real world” — if I do, I’m too blind and stupid to notice or take advantage of it.

That brings me to where I was in my life a year ago versus where I am today.  It’s frustrating to me that there isn’t much of a significant difference.  I’m a year older, I’m a year closer to my degree… but that’s about it.  I may have made several “realizations” that can bring me closer to this so-called “self-actualization,” which I am beginning to think is a total myth, but beyond that, I feel like I am stuck.  It isn’t that I am an advocate of anorexia; quite the opposite.  I think it is one of the worst things in the world.  That said, it must be doing something for me, or I wouldn’t find it so $#!&ing hard to let it go.  I just wish I knew what that “something” was, so I could find a replacement for it.

I know this: I am superb at avoiding things when I want to avoid them.  If something is too uncomfortable / frightening / distressing for me to deal with it, it is not unheard of for me to run away.  I also know that, whether it be true or just my belief, I am a pain in the butt, and I am very good at wearing out my welcome.  These two things seem to be parallels of each other… I get the sense that I am no longer needed / wanted somewhere, so, obedient thing that I am, I take off.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life running away from everyone and everything.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life running from myself.

As is wont to be the case with me, I’m not quite sure what the point of this post was meant to be.  That’s sort of fitting, I guess, because it can just float along out there, kind of like I do, taking on the shape of whatever someone else wants it to be… and ultimately pleasing no one, because that appears to be my specialty.

I’m sorry for all that babble — for someone who claims / wants to be a writer, I can certainly be extraordinarily bad at conveying a written message.  (Though in my defense, I was uncharacteristically disciplined and posted all of my comments on the incomphrensible articles I needed to read for school before I began this post.)  But because I have exhausted my word stores, the pictures appear sans commentary.  Try to contain your tears.

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12 responses to “(Where) Do I Go?

  1. aw. and it wasn’t babble. i read through it all and identify with you when i sadly read a blog where someone is like, dude,i’m recovered even though i’m at an unhealthy bmi. it’s sad. coz that’s still not recovered.

    anyways, hopefully fishy (did you name him? coz he’s going to be around a LOT) cheers you up. =D

  2. I have the same kind of relationship with blogging as you do. When I first started reading them, I was in a bad, bad place with my ED. Food blogs managed to give me a little direction and motivation into eating better, but then I found myself constantly comparing myself to other girls. Some blogs can be really triggering, but those I tend to avoid.

    I haven’t been blogging for as long as you have, but I found it to be more therapeutic than many other things. The community of bloggers is an amazing place to find support and answers, and not something I would give up willingly, even if I do have to occasionally deal with some negative aspects of it.

    Try not to think too much, hun, I know it’s super tiring *hugs* ❤

  3. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce

    oiaj! you convey your message just fine, hush! i understand your frustration with certain…segments/splinter cells of hte blogging community. i used to be really triggered by those blogs but now have reached a point where it just makes me sad for them and i feel compassion. but there used to be a LOT of irritation/jealousy/feeling invalidated on my part. i’m sorry you feel like a misfit wherever you go, but if it means anythign i’m always excited to read your posts bc they ARE different, they’re smart and sharp, funny in that dry kind of way…and you have stories about your (sometimes dead) fish and diving :). i’m glad your blog isn’t like everyone else’s!

  4. YAY for OIAJ! having it tommo AM and that got me excited..seeing it!

  5. I’m so glad I’ve “met” you in blog world 🙂

  6. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    love the cinnamon raisin swirl oiaj 🙂 lucky girl! don’t be too hard on yourself, you just need to keep on trying to find yourself and find what makes you happy! i love your blog and am so glad to have found it!

    xoxo
    shelley
    http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com

  7. Congrats on your 1 year of blogging! Love the OIAJ! I just bought a jar of Cinnamon Raisin Swirl and can’t wait to break into it! 🙂

  8. I think a lot of us feel like we don’t belong – even if all the evidence were to the contrary, we would still persist in ignoring it! I agree with you about the various issues to do with unhelpful blogs. It’s fine if someone is struggling, I’m not going to judge them for that, but trying to pass off their eating disordered beliefs as absolute fact (i.e., other people would be ill at this weight but I can live like this forever!) is extremely unhelpful. I try and ignore those blogs but you still come across them peddling their BS in other bloggers comments sections sometimes!

    I guess most things in life are neither completely positive or negative, it’s where the balance is that counts. If blogging is more helpful than unhelpful, keep doing it. If it’s making things worse, stop. I want you to hang around because I don’t think you’ve outstayed your welcome or that you’re a pain in the butt, I am really glad that I’ve gotten to know you over the last ten months – but it’s not my life or my decision! I think ‘blogiversaries’ are a bit like New Year too. On many previous years I’ve sat down on December 31st and thought, what the hell was that all about, eh? I’m no better off than I was last year. But you’ve probably made more progress than you think – it’s difficult to see for yourself because change can happen so slowly that you forget how different things used to be. Put it this way – anorexia is a horrible illness but you are not in hospital, you’re at school, working towards your degree, you’ve been published, you can eat turtle mountain ice cream 😛 you might not be 100% recovered but that would have been a bit much to ask from one year!

    I don’t know if I’m making any sense at all, I’m just trying to keep you talking so you don’t stop blogging 😉

  9. Not babble! I’m so glad you started blogging, my dear.

  10. I love blogs like yours. You can tell they are real and aren’t forced.

    Think about what it would take not to avoid those feelings! I know for me. I do have to force myself to sit through the hard things and really think about them.

  11. I definitely have similar anxieties with my blogging. I avoid all blogs that aren’t strictly recovery-oriented, but I know that I have readers from a wide range of backgrounds and sometimes I find myself wondering about how I’m perceived. But ultimately blogging is about you. Not what you “should” write, not what other people may want or expect to see, but what you need or want at the time. Censoring yourself (beyond precautions about numbers or similar triggers) defeats the purpose of it! I really enjoy your blog, and I think that the fact that you may not be in one specific category is part of why people enjoy reading.

  12. There’s no pressure to have some great epiphany while/due to blogging. The idea is that it’s there to document your life, triumphs and struggles (or not! There don’t have to be immense life events going on either and there are plenty of blogs which aren’t filled with drama) and provide an outlet for your feelings.

    I certainly don’t feel like I belong anywhere, and that includes in the blog world. I think it’s a good thing: who wants to be part of a genre/subset/clique anyway? People come here because they value and respect you for who you are: an individual. I feel utterly paranoid sometimes because there are very few other bloggers out there with bipolar disorder, and I worry that people will think I’m crazy, lazy or both. Then I think that it takes all sorts in this world and we don’t need to fit a niche to be recognized.

    That said, I am 100% with you on the detrimental comparative effect of blogging. I had a momentary freak-out this afternoon when I read a certain person’s account of how much exercise she’d done in the day, which was *gasp* more than me. Cue thoughts of going back to 3+ hours of intense cardio. But paradoxically it was the comments which other bloggers left me which brought me bak to my senses. It’s a double-edged sword.

    The decision whether to stay or go is obviously yours alone but I would be immensely sad to see you leave and would miss you and your embryonic carrots greatly.

    Those oats in a jar look darn delicious, if I may say so.

    Have a bit more faith in yourself!

    ~Jess~

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