Thank you all for the support re: my latest freak-out… I know it gets really old really fast, so I appreciate that you’ve put up with it this long! I’m actually glad that I did compile a list of what is anxiety-provoking in this situation, because I e-mailed it to my nutritionist — I find it very hard to say these things, it’s easier for me to write it! I just may print out her response and carry it in my bag with me, because there won’t be any point in expressing any feelings to the people in my company at the time.  I really do feel like “I am an island” … marooned on one.  Just a couple of more days, and then I can breathe easy about this.  Right now I vacillate between It will be okay and Someone get me out of here!, the inconsistency of which drives me more batty than anything else!!

I know these aren’t new, but they’re finally certified kosher again!

(They used to be, but I was afraid of the calories in it… and then for a while they weren’t kosher, so I couldn’t try them.) I waited in line for twenty minutes to buy these, since I can’t find them anywhere but Trader Joe’s, and this is the only flavor they had.

In a word: awesome. Totally worth waiting in that line.  This is worlds better than Jocalat bars! I also liked that there wasn’t a nut in every bite the way there are sometimes in Jocalat bars / Larabars.

I did end up meeting my friend for lunch today. My container held asparagus stir-fry vegetables (asparagus, carrots, pasta, green beans, cauliflower), tofu, and soy sauce.  My friend said that she thinks I should make her lunch for her too, and she’ll pay me, because “yours looks a lot better than mine!”  Then she complained that she doesn’t even like tuna sandwiches.  Well… that’s what happens when you let your mom make lunch for you!  😉

Then it was off to class.  Powered by this:

Sort of did the trick, I guess.  Though I’m rapidly fading right now!  To be brief: my classes this semester are potentially very interesting content-wise, but can you say overwhelming?  The amount of work is unbelievable… I’m dizzy just thinking about it.  Seriously, I feel like the older I get, the dumber I get, and this should be taken into account!  And at this rate, I will be nearly 27 by the time I graduate.  YIKES.  That’s all.

Sometime during the last semester, I had a little rant about how much I hate eating at school… I won’t get into that again, but suffice it to say that I hate it so much, I preferred to eat outside and have my hands freeze instead.  And then I had a “moment”…

…in the form of a bag of self-hatred Glenny’s soy crisps.  I actually really like these; the multigrain are my favorite soy crisps ever.  But I wasn’t even hungry at all; I just bought them because I knew I was “low” on calories.  This creates a mental battle, see, because I apparently have a “famine before feast” mindset.  Eating out tomorrow?  Well, then, you have to “earn” it by cutting out all sorts of things beforehand!

I am not the type who has an instantaneous relapse and just quits eating altogether one day.  I never was.  It always sneaks up on me so gradually that I don’t realize it’s happening.  Because of that, when I just have what I will call “situational struggles” like this one, I get kind of freaked out about what that means.

I have three very long and very boring articles to read for next week for one of my classes.  I printed them out and am going to use them as my surreptitious entertainment tomorrow, when I don’t actually have work per se.  Instead, I have to go to this mind-numbing departmental meeting.  It’s nice in that it’s from 10.00 to 4.00, and we always finish these things early, so it’s a shorter day for me.  But it is SO.  BORING!  At least now I can try to accomplish something semi-useful.  And hopefully keep my mind off of what’s coming later in the evening.

From the Art Therapy Archives:

I called this one Twister.  It’s pretty much aligned with how I’m feeling right now… like I’m getting sucked into something that is bigger than I am.

Enjoy your Thursday!


16 responses to “Twister

  1. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce

    i know what you mean about that gradual relapse creeping up on you. it’s good that you’re attune to that now! aren’t those pure bars amazing? i haven’t tried the other flavors, teh choc ones are so good i don’t want to! beautiful art. i know you’re feeling sucked in but tomorrow will come and go and you will still be here, alive! i’m thinking of you though, i know those situations are so tough.

  2. ok i need to try those PURE bars again bc i didnt like em the first time!

  3. glad you liked the pure bars! i love them! and totally worth trader joe hell hole. ! hahaha.

    i like your lunches too! but hey, i dig tuna too. your friend needs to get her ass in the kitch and make herself some good food! just kidding.

    i like your twister thing. =D although i always asociated twister with that annoying game probably made by frat boys to get into weird social situations with girls.


  4. I’ve only been able to find the bars at Trader Joe’s, too!

    Twister is really beautiful. It’s nice to have something to look at when you’re feeling anxious… other than the tv.

  5. You know, this post made me feel a lot more relieved. It does sound like you actually truly WANT to recover. Though you may moan about it, you do pay attention to what your nutritionist says.

    That twister thing is cool. Is that pastel?

  6. I’ve heard good things about that pure bar, I really want to try it!

    I love your art therapy piece. when I was IP, art therapy was my favorite outlet. I think your piece is very telling.

    Keep creating, you will learn a lot about yourself.


  7. I love that art! It is so very cool!

    I totally understand about being 27 and graduating. I was originally on track to get my PhD in 3 years and I was like, woo hoo 26! Now it will be 27 with the extra semester I tacked on! But hey, age does not equal awesomeness 🙂

    Good luck with all your reading…..I have become a…selective reader 🙂 Last line of the intro, first few lines of each section of the methods, main idea results, discussion (and a good discussion summarizes the results)! Ha, I have to read so much, no place to do them all!

    Have a good day!

  8. Have a good day! Stay warm!

  9. I will be 30 before I finish my degree!! Never mind. Some of the women on my occupational therapy degree course were changing careers in their 40s or even 50s. We are young’uns by comparison 😉
    Your lunch looks nice!

  10. I’m very into writing my thoughts and feelings as well– much easier form of expression for me. havce a great day darling

  11. Im actually really impressed you emailed your nutritionist, that was a very good thing to do. It does sound as though its going to be a horribly stressful day for you, I hope you have a good day anyhow and enjoy it!
    Id love you to make my lunch to! They look great 🙂

  12. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    im glad you emailed that to your nutritionist- that is awesome and im sure it will helped her a lot. & i appreciate your review because i’ve been wanting to try those bars for a while now


  13. I love that flavour of Pure Bar! I wasn’t wild about it intially but by the end of the box I ordered I was sad to see them go. Try microwaving them for a truly mouth-watering experience 😉

    I’m sorry I missed the last post! Bloody university work…but you received some fabulous advice which was much better than anything I could have suggested anyway.

    I am so sorry you don’t feel a part of your family. I am lucky in the repect that both my Mum, grandfather and uncle have similar mental health problems to my own so there’s at least some level of empathy and compassion there. I can’t imagine what it must be like to truly go it alone *hugs*.

    I wish I could say something to reassure you that you are ‘allowed’ to eat, that you deserve nourishment just as much as anyone else. You have so much to offer the world and this instinctive, reflex restriction seems to reflect your low self-worth…sorry to turn amateur psychologist there!

    If I get funding for further study then I won’t graduate fully until I’m 27 either. We can hobble up to the podium using zimmerframes together 😉

    I wish you all the strength in the world with coping with the meal.


  14. Apparently your friend does not like preparing food for herself… First she lets her mom do it and now she’s trying to pass the job off to you!
    I can so relate, both to your mentality of “preparing” and restricting before the whole eating out situation and how relapses sort of creep up. But hopefully from all the experiences in the past you’ve gained the awareness to keep history from repeating itself.
    If it makes you feel any better I’m twenty and am juuust about to (fingers crossed!) get my high school diploma. I seriously think the high point of my academic career was fifth grade. 😉


  15. Pingback: Something’s Wrong « Blue Eyed Heart

  16. Pingback: Close Call « Blue Eyed Heart

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s