My freedom is drawing to a close… it’s back to work tomorrow.  And back to school the day after that.  😦  Someone kill me?!

Last night, I had a Steaz for an ego boost.  And it kept me up all night.  I really, really, really need to quit ingesting so many fluids so close to bedtime!  (Yeah, it wasn’t just the Steaz… add two diet Snapples to that.  Ouch.)

Because I didn’t have work today (woohoo!!!), I actually had time to make breakfast!

Scrambled All Whites and mushrooms, based on this recipe; whole wheat English muffin with apple butter spread.

Oh, how I’ve missed you!  Massive salad consisting of romaine, alfalfa sprouts, whole grain rotini, Lightlife Smart Links, and Italian blend Steamfresh vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli, zucchini, Italian green beans, red peppers, carrots, lima beans) with Italian dressing.

A cherry muffin; just because.

Repeat of “spaghetti and meatballs” — I really, really love spaghetti squash, but it is so filling!  That wouldn’t be a problem, except that I already felt stuffed to start with, so that wasn’t very pleasant.

So I went to Petco today, and oh my goodness, the service in that store is impossible… I waited forever!  After an interminable wait, I emerged from the store with this:

Chinese algae eater, two red wag platies.

A couple of hours passed … and then I decided that I was going to watch this DVD, which I’ve had checked out of the library for like a year… I just keep renewing it over and over and over again.  For no particular reason, I turned on the light in the aquarium before I sat down to watch the DVD… and guess what?  A record even for me!  The algae eater was dead.  So I went back to Petco, which, by the way, is at least a fifteen-minute drive from my house, even when traffic is cooperating.  I didn’t get  a replacement; I don’t feel like dealing with that right now.

Something shocking happened today, too.  I never, ever thought this day would come.  See, these products are on sale this week, and I’ve been chickening out of trying them for the longest time. To help my indecisiveness, I just got one of each of the three flavors of the tofu steaks. And my brother ate the garlic and pepper one!  I’m not italicizing that because I’m mad; I’m italicizing it because I am in shock.  (I’m also extremely jealous, because when I was trying to explain to him how you’re supposed to prep / store tofu, he looked at me very strangely and wanted to know why he couldn’t just finish the whole package.  I mean, go ahead, but there are four servings in there!  Seriously… I wish I could just eat however much I want of whatever I want whenever I want, and not give a damn about it.)

There really is no reason for me to be so excited about this, since to my knowledge, I don’t even like almond butter… but look what I found!!

I (my disordered mind) didn’t want to buy this (added sugars, you know) … but it’s so highly touted in the blogosphere that I forced myself to buy it, figuring I’ve only tried one type of almond butter, so I shouldn’t write it off altogether.  If I don’t like it, I can always shove it off to my brother, right?  Isn’t that what brothers are for?

Verbal vomit up ahead, so consider yourself warned.  And I am really, really tired, so it probably won’t make much sense… to summarize what could be a very long rant, I am in a panic, and I’m not really quite sure why.  Yeah, that tends to happen to me from time to time, and it always passes eventually, but if I just ride it out on the knowledge that it will pass, I’m not doing anything to prevent a recurrence.  I really, really wish I could figure out the root of it.

I know that I am incredibly, impossibly anxious about going out on Thursday night; it’s a whole bunch of things that make me uncomfortable all tossed into one!  I would be able to deal a bit better with each of the components individually, but having them thrown at me simultaneously is just too much.  I’ll save detailing those components for another rant.

The restaurant has been chosen (not by me this time, because I refused; I am tired of choosing and having everyone complain!), and I printed out a copy of the menu and took it with me to my nutritionist appointment.  I suppose logic would dictate that I feel slightly calmer about it now, but I don’t.  If anything, I feel even more overwhelmed than ever!  I have no idea what my weight did over the past couple of weeks, because she doesn’t tell me, and I guess it really doesn’t matter.  It shouldn’t.  Except that there is this annoying little part of my head that is forever trying to convince me that I’m only “allowed” to eat if I’ve lost weight.  Come to think of it, that’s probably why she doesn’t tell me!  Still, however irrational and stupid it may be, I can’t help but feel horrified that I actually have to eat.  I’m not quite sure what brought on this feeling, either; I mean, I may not have been jumping for joy about it, but I was relatively okay with it, and now the thought fills me with terror.

I spend too much time in my own head.

Have a beautiful Tuesday.


15 responses to “Ulp

  1. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce

    *breathe* Thursday night will be ok. you might feel extremely uncomfortable and wish you could have a similar fate as your algae eater, but you will make it through the dinner and you will be able to say you did it! this panic is probably also related to going back to school and work this week, it’s like a shitstorm is being tossed your way, so naturally something like going out to dinner would set you off. at least that’s how it works for me, but i know it prob isn’t helping you either! i’ve been hesitant to buy barney butter for the same reason, but if it tastes good i should give it a try!

  2. It’ll be fine. It’s just food. And logically, you’ll have to eat 3500 kcal more than your maintenance amount to gain a single stupid 1 lb. Which, actually, you do need. So?

    Relax. Eat. Enjoy.

    Best of luck, dearie!

  3. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    youcan do this girl, thursday night will be great!! i know you will do just fine 🙂 and they sell steaz at a grocery near me- i want to buy!


  4. I love the cap of that bottle – you ARE important. I have a problem with drinking too many fluids before bed too! ugh!

    Sorry about your algae eater experience, I recently bought a frog that died the same day I bought him. I took it back to get another one but they were all out, so I settled for Beta fish. His name is murphy and he’s still alive and well!

    I’m proud of you for buying the barney butter. I’m really proud of you. Good luck with thursday, I know you can do this. Just remember that you ARE important and you DESERVE to have a good time.


  5. You are in a normal panic mode. I hate going to restaurants I am not familiar with and try to research nutritional stats. I go crazy when I can’t find anything. But guess what? You’ll survive and ENJOY the company!!

  6. girl try to be calm and dont think about it too much! know what? you will wake up the next morning the SAME girl.. you cant let ED rule you from things like that in life!
    YAY FOR BARNEY BUTTER! girl, i dk what to tell you about your comment about you not going through jars fast enough..haha.. i used to be scared of PB but then challenged myself to ONE spoonful a night and the rest was awesome from then on.. so i challenge you to do that!

  7. i still CAN”T GET OVER HOW YOUR BROTHER ATE IT! no way!

    and almond butter- barney butter? that’s how i feel about it (added sugars.) i too have a disordered mind.

    good luck on thursday! don’t freak out! BREATHEEEE

    and petco needs better service. STAT.

  8. I tend to be a little out of stride when I come back from a trip too. But really, you were not gone very long, and your daily intake probably did not change much (and you were pretty active with the diving and such). The mind games that EDs play just seem to kick into high gear when there is any change of routine or setting. I know restaurant eating can be stressful, but hang in there! The only way to be able to handle these things better is to face them down. What is stressing you the most: the menu, the fact that other people might be paying attention to what you eat, the timing, or something else? Or just a general anxiety over breaking your usual?

  9. I can’t sleep through the night anymore either… and I don’t think I’m drinking more liquid than usual! Just another way I’m a grandpa…

    Love your new fishies!

    Good luck on Thursday 🙂

  10. Ohh Almond butter sounds nice and the amount of added sugar in it probably is minimal as well, so I wouldnt worry just enjoy 🙂

    Hmm I get so anxious over eating out as well but at least you have a menu before hand so you know what to expect. Just look over it and pick something YOU think sounds good to eat and something your comfortable with as well. I know that just sounds obvious and doesnt relieve your anxiety but just remember as well people eat out all the time and it doesnt affect their weight. Its just one night, challenge yourself, you might be surprised.

  11. Oooh I can so relate to what happened with your brother. I’ll often watch my sister while she’s eating as though she is some sort of exotic creature in the zoo. I get so jealous and baffled by that a person can JUST EAT and not have it be that big a deal.
    I hope the meal goes alright on Thursday. I often find I get so worked up about it that when the actual thing happens even if it sucks it’s not half as bad as I built it up to be in my head… So I hope that’s the case for you!


  12. i hope your first day back at work was okay!
    all your eats in this post look really tasty to me. the spaghetti squash and meatballs looks like a great dinner.

    sorry about the fish. tough luck. i admire that you are so dedicated to your aquarium!

    take care, l!

  13. I won’t kill you because I like you too much, but I will wish you all the strength in the world in coping with your return to work. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you juggle more than anyone else I know and give yourself very little credit for it. I am happy that you got at least a few minutes of DVD relaxation before your fish interfered again!

    I envy people who can just eat and not think about it too. I also envy boys in general. They seem to just be able to pack away anything and everything and enjoy their exercise without it becoming obsessive or a constant source of anxiety, at least for the most part.

    Ooh, let us all know what you think of the Barney Butter! I’m a sucker for sweetened nut butters so I know I’d love it.

    I hope the anxiety has subsided for you at least a little 😦 These spikes of uncontrollable fear are so hideous to deal with and I empathise immensely…they tend to sneak up when you’re over-tired and sapped pyschologically. I hope you can get some sleep and perhaps it might ease the situation…I wish I had some better advice to give!



  14. Oh yum. I would love to try a tofu steak!

  15. Pingback: Blog Birthday Giveaway Winner « Blue Eyed Heart

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