Me = Cliché

White snow, indeed.  Blah.  I opted to wear Fuggs today (no, that’s not a typo) because it was so cold that I figured that any puddles I could possibly step into would have frozen over.  I was right, as it turned out.  My toes were thankful, since they were a bit chilled even this way.

And, for the record?  I found vital wheat gluten in Whole Foods today.  This means that A) I am a moron because I didn’t realize it in the Whole Foods I went to, and B) the people at the Whole Foods that I called don’t know what they’re talking about.  It was $6.99 in Whole Foods; I paid $9.99.  I thought that seemed a bit excessive, but what do I know?!

Today I dug into the bar samples sent to me by Bora Bora.

I predicted that the tribal cinnamon oatmeal would be my favorite flavor, and I opted to try that one first.

I put it in the refrigerator at work, which I shouldn’t have done, because that made it very hard to bite into — but once I did, I loved it! An explosion of cinnamon flavor. (I hope this doesn’t mean that I’m in for an explosion of coconut flavor… ;))  It was more chewy than crunchy — and maybe just a tad too sticky — but the taste was so good that I’d be willing to overlook that.

Romaine, roasted rutabaga, roasted tofu, roasted baby bellas, and roasted baby carrots. All this roasting set off my smoke alarm. Whoops.

The day will come, I am sure, when I tire of variations of this combination (vegetarian “drumstick,” bulgur, steamed broccoli and cauliflower), but that day has not yet arrived.

It has already been established that I am not the most patient of drivers. So when it takes me half an hour to get to my nutritionist’s house, whereas it normally takes fifteen to twenty minutes, tops, I start to get a bit aggravated. Word to the wise: should you ever find yourself a passenger in a vehicle driven by me, and we are stuck in traffic, do not tell me to calm down.

So a variety of factors contributed to my sitting here and blogging an hour past when I should have been in bed.  Another part of that was my luck holding out — I got in line at the supermarket, and of course the person in front of me had some sort of issue that made his transaction take f-o-r-e-v-e-r.  Murphy’s Law.

Since it is late and I am overtired, I am going to babble senselessly (verbal vomit!) for a little bit before falling into bed.  I was meant to buy bananas, one of which I was supposed to eat tomorrow.  They didn’t have any.  (Well, they did, but they were all green.  I ate an underripe banana last week, and it was not a pleasant experience.)  Now, of course, I could easily substitute this with another fruit.  But any time I start to let down my guard or relax a little bit about food, I simultaneously freak out.  It’s demented of me to be clinging so tightly to this, and I think I know why it keeps happening; I am actually embarrassed to admit this, because it is so clichéd, but part of me feels like I can’t let it go because I was never sick enough.

Yes, I know, this makes no logical sense whatsoever.  Sick enough for what?!  To die? … Um, yeah, that would be a good thing, wouldn’t it?  And I really, really don’t believe that weight has much relevance when it comes to eating disorders… I have never said My lowest weight was X, and I never will, because I don’t think that tells the whole story at all.  So if I feel that way… why do I continually find myself falling into this stupid trap over and over and over and over and over again?!  It shouldn’t matter to me whether or not I’ve ever looked like the stereotypical picture of someone with anorexia, because I know that it is just that — a stereotype, and sort of by definition a load of crap.

I just don’t understand myself sometimes, I really don’t.

Have a lovely Thursday!

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14 responses to “Me = Cliché

  1. awww i’m like you- when something has to be changed i freak out! FREAK OUT. aka if i can’t get to the gym. like tomorrow. great! what am i going to do! and my hip hurts. GREAT not again.

    awwww- hmm. ishould try your never tiresome combo! =D

    cinnamon oatmeal sounds like a bomb flavor!
    xoxo

  2. I don’t know why but I found this post including both a picture of snow and a bar named after a Tahitian island really amusing. 😉
    I have the same thoughts that I can’t recover because I haven’t been “good enough” yet. It’s frustrating though because logically I know that no matter what I would never been sick enough to satisfy ED. And I would never think someone else didn’t deserve recovery, and certainly not for that reason! Crazy brains.

    Rachael*

  3. Shelley (findinghappinessandhealth)

    it will get easier.. i really believe you will be able to manage change with time 🙂 just take the whole thing step by step!
    and i know how you feel- since IOP i have struggled because i feel like the other girls are “sicker” than me and for some reason ifeel more tempted to restrict because of it..it is so wrong!! i am really tryig to realize how messed up that thinking is and change it.

    xoxo
    shelley
    http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com

  4. Everything looks so, so yum. I happen to think your “drumsticks” look mighty fine!

    And I totally feel you about the driving. Especially in this city.

    Happy Thursday!

  5. Darling, when you find yourself in that banana situation, and flexibility is calling your name. Don’t freak out, there’s no reason to, beautiful. Instead try and focus on the real issue at hand. What’s REALLY going on? tune into your physical sensations, emotions and thoughts. Are you upset about something? Are you angry? We all know ED is not about the food.

    Try and visualize the real issue at hand. And you’ll be just fine.
    You are a ROCK STAR ❤

  6. Hi girl,
    nice eats.
    Bananas, I love them ..love.
    Lookie: don’t be hard on yourself.
    So many people fall into that trap of…i was never that bad..or i am not
    for example…i have had to give up all physical activity (aside from occasional walk, what-not) and i am not “that bad” ..or never was…or this or that compared to so so many others….i never ever participated in any of the “low low cal eating” or fears of foods and stuff…so “wtf” right?
    but screw it
    i am thru with comparing
    thru with judging and being judged
    thru with feeling envy and jealousy
    gotta work on those things
    u are very witty and smart….eat up…enjoy christmas…dont over-think…shut the brain off 🙂

  7. laurasworthlesswords

    Ugh dont waste time and energy worrying about being a ‘stereotypical’ anorexic, the general public has a pretty terrible idea of what it is to have an ed whether its anorexia, bulimia, coe. I do know the feeling though, I dont feel like I should be labelled anorexic anymore because I dont look or eat like one anymore but theres more to an ed than just the outward appearance or a terribly low weight. Anyway Im not really getting anywhere with this, just wanted to say your not alone with that feeling but dont let it try to hold you back from progressing places and moving on.
    xox

  8. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce

    Ah, this post nails it. Fuggs, so cozy I’m willing to look like every abercrombie chick out there. Banana woes: i’ve been driven to tears over a piece of fruit on more than one occasion. There is definitely a disorder after the eating disorder, which in some ways is more painful because the issues/self-consciousness are still there but the outside doesn’t match the inside…cliche, but true. If you feel dead inside, of course it makes sense to want to be skeletal, you don’t feel “normal” so it’s hard to look normal. It’s not stereotypical what you’re going through….well actually it is, but if it weren’t for the commonalities between people who struggle with EDs then there would be no such thing as an ED, you get what i’m sayin?

    Side note: our dinners have been twinsies lately. I don’t post mine always but it consists of quorn cutlet, steamed broccoli/cauliflower, carrots, and guacamole. So besides the bulgar/guac difference, pretty darn close! ❤

  9. Bora Bora bars look lovely ~ I would most certainly appreciate anything which was heavy on the cinnamon flavour…though I love coconut too so I suppose I’m not particularly picky 😉

    I am horribly possessive over food and bananas in particular. If they’re not ripe enough or, God forbid, someone eats one which I’ve designated for myself then I’ll have such an anxiety attack over it, it’s not even funny. I get the desire to ‘prove yourself’ in terms of justifying either the label you’ve been given or the help that you’re receiving, I truly do. My lowest weight was nowhere near as low as some and I never restricted to the extent that most people do, so I still get so angry that the diagnostic teams primarily diagnosed me as being anorexic. If anything, when I got that diagnosis at 18 I felt like such a fraud that I felt I had to cling to the behaviours which were ‘anorexic’ or risk seeming like a liar or wasting everybody’s time. But all anyone wants is for those behaviours and emotions to leave you: eating disorders are, as you rightly say, not linked soley to weight. It’s the behaviour patterns and the distress they cause you which matter. Hopefully by realising that the anorexic ‘stereotype’ is indeed a load of crap, perhaps one day you will be able to let those feelings go, just as you did with your sandwich triumph.

    xoxox

  10. I LOVE anything with cinnamon in it, so that bar looks great! Happy holidays!

  11. Hi!

    I always wanted to try a Bora Bora bar 🙂

    $6.99 VS $9.99?? Ouch.

    I understand the ‘not having the anorexic look’. I’m one of them. My mom always had/still tells me that I never looked emaciated and was always normal looking. My friend even told me that one girl (an anorexic) was sicker looking than me because I wasn’t very thin. Yeah, kinda harsh.

    xo
    Vanilla

  12. Yum, all your roasted veggies and tofu look delicious. For the record, if you ever have unripe bananas (or any fruit) simply place them in a brown paper bag for about thirty minutes and they should ripen. The brown bag traps in the ethylene which causes the fruit to ripen:)

  13. Sick enough? Sick enough?! When is enough for you? Almost dying? Losing brain cells? Getting hospitalized and being treated like a rat laboratory? You really need to let that go…Thank your lucky stars you didn’t get “Sick enough”…
    The idea that anorexia = emaciated, half-dead creatures is BULLSHIT. People glorify anorexia, eating disorders. In a perverse way, people want to go to the extremes. You already know that this is wrong. Let it go, my dear, let it go…the longer you hold on, the more contradictory you become, and the more you suffer.

  14. Pingback: RIP « Blue Eyed Heart

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