Done… But What Am I?

Why do parents get so hyped up about their children sleeping through the night? It doesn’t last! (Though I suppose it doesn’t bother the parents if the children don’t come wake them as well…) Case in point: last night I woke up at 1.50 AM with a massive headache; and then again an hour later. The headache was still there, so I bumbled my way downstairs and took two ibuprofen. It didn’t help much, I don’t think, because when I woke up at 5.00, I not only had a headache, but I felt nauseated too. But taking a day off isn’t an option, since I had to go to class anyway, so off to the shower I went.

I was seriously, seriously considering skipping breakfast. I am emetophobic in a major way, and I will do pretty much anything to avoid getting sick. But I tentatively ate today. Everything except for one Boost. And, to be honest, I felt like crap all along.  Still do, actually.

My surroundings weren’t all that helpful: I was on a subway car with an individual who clearly hadn’t bathed in some time … my stomach turned at that. And then I saw this story on the gym TV. I am not generally a queasy person, but my stomach did another little twist at that sight.  By the time I got around to freaking out over my two presentations, my poor stomach was knotted up like seventeen pretzels.

In case you were wondering, they went okay.  I felt like an idiot in the first one, but that’s no surprise, as I’ve been an idiot in that class pretty much all semester.  The second one was better, I guess.  Apparently I also got an A/A- on that paper, which annoys me because I knew it would happen, and it could have been a straight A if I’d expended a little more effort, but whatever.  I’m just glad it’s over.  For the moment.

Romaine, roasted Brussels sprouts, kidney beans, roasted rutabaga.

I went to the pet shop today to see what I could / should do about my poor sick silver dollar.  The guy there said that I can save him, though I really should have a quarantine tank.  That isn’t happening.  But I needed Maracyn, and guess what? … They only had Maracyn for a saltwater tank.  So I dashed five blocks crosstown and six blocks downtown to go to another pet store… and they didn’t have any Maracyn.  Epic fail.  And if I want to euthanize him, the most humane way of doing it is to stick him in the freezer.  Uh.

My dad happened to pass by another pet store, so he went in to see if they had Maracyn.  Not only did they not have it — it’s been discontinued!  So what am I supposed to do, just let him die?!  I hate having to watch this and not be able to do anything about it.  I wonder if that’s how my parents look at me…

Anyway, the new filter I bought last week seems to be malfunctioning.  So I have to bring it back there tomorrow.  This pet shop isn’t exactly next door to my office.  I have a lunchtime laser appointment.  I have no idea how or when I am going to manage to go to the pet shop and eat.  Meanwhile, my parents are all, “Just give it up, throw out the whole thing.”  Seriously — what ever happened to parents encouraging their children to not be quitters?!  Though I’m telling you, I’m like a reverse King Midas.  Everything I touch (or even think of touching) turns to dust.

Re: the post title, I am finally, finally, finally done with this semester.  This combined with the fact that I am a total pushover of a sister and agreed to pick up a bike pump for my brother today, which required toting it around from the store to work to class and then home.

I have a co-worker who rides, and I showed it to him.  Then he started telling me about which pumps are best, blah blah blah… and I started to get this really depressing sensation of not knowing who I am. You know what I mean… everyone has something by which to define themselves.  Things like, I am a runner, or I am a mother, or I am a dancer, or I am an artist.  Whatever.  You get the point.  Most blogs have such defining characteristics, too.  Mine doesn’t, and that doesn’t particularly bother me, because it’s just a random mish-mash.  But I don’t know who I am.  And that does bother me.

This must be cropping up in my mind now because while I guess I can still say I am a student, even during the winter break, it isn’t exactly ME.  I’m going to graduate eventually (well, that’s the idea, anyway!), and then what will I be?  I can’t say I’m a diver, because I don’t do it more than two or three times a year, no matter how much I love it.  I don’t want to say I’m a [job title], because I would hope there’s more to my life than that drudgery.  I can’t say I’m [insert some relationship title], because I’m not, to anyone.

I’m sorry this is such a downer (and picture-less!) post … I’m just feeling rather lost / yucky / sad / frustrated at the moment.  I guess I don’t do the “pretending to be cheerful” thing well a lot.

Have a good Tuesday.


8 responses to “Done… But What Am I?

  1. Aw…I’m sorry you’re feeling shitty right now. *HUGS*
    Can’t help you much here, except to say that I think you are an intelligent, bright, witty girl. That’s who I think you are. But we as humans always take different forms, and we never really truly are able to completely define ourselves…what’s more, we’re always changing. I’m differnt from who I was a year ago, and so are you. So don’t worry about not being able to clearly say who you ARE. Except, know that you are special, and you are alive right now, so as a living human being, just enjoy what you have right now…

  2. HUGS. we will have a better tuesday tomorrow. HOPES.

    i’m at a blogging midlife crisis toO! WHAT AM I!? a crazy person? probably.

    sorry about your fish tank. my parents i think look at me like a waste of $$$ and space in the house. SIGH. i think they give into my crazy obsession with crossfit and running because it puts me THAT much closer to death. hahaha.

  3. I think you’re an L 😛 not having a specific ‘identity’ hasn’t stopped lots of people wanting to read your blog and get to know you better so I don’t think it matters to anyone but you. I know how you feel though, I get frustrated about this too, because I feel like my only identity at the moment is ‘recovering anorexic’ and whilst I may be pretty kick ass at it (lol!), it’s no better for my sense of direction and purpose than just thinking of my identity as ‘anorexic’ was. Still, getting upset or anxious over it won’t really change things, so it’s probably best to keep going as you are and see what happens.

    Ack I’m sorry about all the fish drama! I don’t think you’re a bad luck magnet really though, fish are just delicate little flowers, poor things.

    I hope you feel better today – I used to never eat if I felt sick too, but eventually I realised that that complicated things because after a while I couldn’t tell if I was nauseous from illness or from wonky blood sugar, so now I just continue to eat (carefully!) unless it feels like a stomach bug. I really hope you’re OK ❤ emetophobia + winter viruses = aaaaaaargh

  4. Sorry you’ve been sick! Hope you get to take a day off soon.

    You are YOU. Who wants to be defined by what they do?!

  5. laurasworthlesswords

    You dont need to fit into a certain group, dare to be different!!! Ok no really, I do understand the feeling, I feel the same, Im not athletic, I dont create any interesting food pictures, Im not a dancer either, I dont have exciting interestings/hobbies so I pretty much am just nothing and struggle to update my blog because of that. As cheesy as it sounds we are all unique though and have our own interesting qualities. I personally like to read your blog and I dont expect to read it for a certain theme every time, I just like you and hearing what your up to and stuff and as Katie said juding by the amount of people that visit here, lots of others agree with me.

    Aww Im really sorry about your fish, I do hope you find a solution. Hope you start to feel better soon to, *hugs*

  6. Honestly, I don’t think that anyone needs a label. If anything, you should be proud that you don’t have one. Who wants to be defined in relation to other people who share a particular interest anyway? Most people’s sense of self is inherently fractured and mutable anyway. A ‘runner’ or ‘dancer’ might get injured, and then what does that make them? An artist might go through a phase where they feel totally uninspired. I can understand that you wouldn’t want to be defined by your occupation unless it’s something you’re passionate about…but cheesy though it may sound you are YOU and that’s enough. That self might have a series of adjectives attached to it, but turning yourself into a noun (pronoun?) just isn’t necessary.

    So sorry you’re not feeling well…those headaches are a killer and it sounds almost like a migraine to me. Hope you’re resting if at all possible and taking care of your wonderful self.

    In relation to jobs, please don’t think that I was belittling you for having a desk job or looking down on people who do! I admire you hugely for your ability to juggle work & school. I am just in the fortunate position of not needing to work, for which I feel eternally guilty. Even if I did have no other option my bi-polar disorder would make it a living Hell. It’s more frustration with my own uselessness that I was trying to express.

    You’re such a loving soul…I admire your perseverance and commitment to your fish so much. I just wish there were more people in the world who loved their animals as much as you do.


  7. honestly, it is totally normal to feel this way! sometimes i feel like i have no direction and no clue what i want to do.. i have faith that it will all come together though. keep your head up, you are an amazing person and have so much to offer the world 🙂


  8. Pingback: Jackpot « Blue Eyed Heart

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