Diagnosis: Swim Bladder Disease

No, not me; to my knowledge I am not actually in possession of a swim bladder!  It’s my poor silver dollar.  The one who is spinning in circles and doing all sorts of crazy somersaults.

I had an appointment with my nutritionist tonight.  I was very much not in the mood… today dawned gusty and rainy and gross, as in, my-hair-looked-wonderful-and-then-I-stepped-outside-and-the-weather-had-its-way-with-me gross.  Add that to the fact that my project partners just e-mailed me today with the information I need to compile the final part of our paper, and it needs to be done by Friday… yeah, I wasn’t in the mood of going anywhere.  Least of all to find out I am too fat / not fat enough / whatever.  Not a fan of the scale these days.  ANYWAY.  I happened to mention my twirling fish to my nutritionist, who used to have an aquarium too… all of whose inhabitants actually perished due to swim bladder disease.

I read up on it, and I am horrified… the poor thing must be in agony!!  (Do I sound completely crazy to feel sorry for a fish?!)  I also found that there is something that is supposed to help:

Yes, frozen peas.  I was skeptical at first — I was sure it would kill all of them on the spot!  But I read up on that too, and apparently it won’t.  I was really puzzled as to how a spinning fish was supposed to be able to get to a pea on the floor of the tank; and why on earth would it want to eat a pea?!  But the ill must take their medicine, and so I stood with my arm submerged in the tank for ten minutes and fed the fish a pea.  Picture that.

I really, really hope it helps.

Romaine, roasted pumpkin, black beans, and roasted Brussels sprouts.  It was actually a “pie pumpkin,” but I was rebellious and used it for other purposes.  I also think black beans may be my favorite bean.  What’s your favorite bean?  And are chickpeas considered a bean? I think they probably are — they’re garbanzo beans, after all, aren’t they??

I found these tiny little bags of carrots — well, you can’t tell they’re tiny, but they are!  I bought five of them, and the cashier scanned four.  Because I am so honest, I told her that she’d missed one.  Those nineteen cents totally saved Shoprite from going bust, you know.

One of my favorites: bulgur with garlic salt!  My crazy podiatrist was going on and on about how sodium can cause varicose veins (well, indirectly), and I was freaking out because I think it’s in my genes already anyway, and that is one thing I do not want or need… then I decided that if it is going to happen, I’ll worry about it then.  In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my salt, thank you very much.

If Steaz says it, it must be true… but I laugh a bit every time I open a bottle, because these “affirmations” strike me as so ludicrous.

Don’t get me wrong; I know that my family “loves” me.  Yet… I don’t feel like they do.  Most of the time I feel like an annoyance and a big pain in everyone’s ass, and that they’d all be happier had I never been born.

That’s probably due to the fact that I feel that way about myself.  How am I supposed to marry the idea of being loved by someone else with the idea of hating myself beyond description?

I really, really wish I could get with this whole “self-love” concept.  But I just don’t feel like I can — I mean, yeah, I’ve never done anything overtly awful like kill someone.  To my knowledge, anyway.  And yet, I can’t help feeling that I am just inherently a bad person.  If anyone tells me otherwise, it’s just because they are delusional and / or they haven’t figured me out yet.

I’m sure you know that I could yap about this forever, or very near that… but since I didn’t get much of it last night, I still need some beauty sleep!!  And a massage.  Need, not want.  But I’ll settle for the former for now.

Have a happy Thursday.


10 responses to “Diagnosis: Swim Bladder Disease

  1. sorry about the peas……=(

    and hahha it was pretty banged up, but most of the shredded oats survived! there is some cereal dust, but hey! they’re HERE! omg.

    bracelet is amazing. i could FEEL THAT YOU PICKED IT OUT!

    alright. jazz apples, coucous. =D

  2. Yes, your family loves you…no need for that quotation marks…but because they love you, they cannot stand seeing you so unhappy all the time. If they didn’t love you, they would even give a rat’s ass. People express their affection in different ways…

    Self-love doesn’t come with “trying”…it comes with the faith that GOD loves you. That you are a precious creation of God. And you are, my dear. And if the almighty, omnipotent, creator of the world God loves you….why shouldn’t YOU?

  3. Aw, poor fish! I hope the peas help. That is an amusing mental image, but mostly it’s just really nice of you – I would have to do the same thing, I hate the thought of anything that is alive suffering.

    My favourite bean is haricot, but black beans definitely come a close second. Seeing that my main protein source is beans I have experimented enough to develop bean-biases 😛

    I can’t really comment on Sophia’s definition of self-love because I’m not religious, but I don’t think that’s the only way to accept yourself. I used to hate myself and now I don’t. Even I’m not entirely sure what happened to change that. Not being depressed helps, because depression CAN be an almost purely chemical illness and one of the symptoms is self hate. Not using self destructive ways of coping with life is good for my self esteemas well, because I always felt bad that I wasn’t “strong” enough to function without hurting myself (quotation marks due to the fact that mental illnesses have nothing to do with strength of character in reality), and I feel a lot better about myself now I can cope with life healthily. And I think practising mindfulness and non-judgmental…ness was another factor, DBT definitely has it’s uses! It’s complicated though, I don’t think anyone really understands why some of the most intelligent and kind people dislike themselves. I am hanging out on the biological side of the fence – labelling irrational thought patterns as symptoms of an illness has been an essential part of my recovery, it took such a long time for me to realise that pretty much everything I thought about myself was a product of illness rather than fact, but once I did it changed everything.

  4. Top bean picks: black beans, garbanzo, and kidney beans! Love em all. And I’m with on the whole “self-love” concept. I’m at a loss.

  5. i like those little bottle coments 🙂 they are short 7 sweet
    and your eats look delicious!1
    i know how u feel- sometimes im just not in the mood to talk tot eh nutritionist/therapist/whateverr but hang in there hun


  6. laurasworthlesswords

    Awww your poor fish, Ive never heard of that before and it does sound a little strange feeding it a pea but I hope it helps it.

    Ok I dont have any advise on your last bit there but I feel the exact same way, while I havent actually killed someone or anything like that I feel like a horrible person, Ive often told my mum that if I had a previous life I do believe I was a terribly bad person in it. Strange how we can think and feel.
    I think its a lot to do with having low confidence and self esteem, you are constantly putting yourself down or saying little things to take away from yourself. Maybe try someday starting by recognising some achievement you have made and congratulate yourself for it.

    Sorry I couldnt help more, xoxo

  7. I can’t believe the Silver Dollar actually ate the pea! From my experience, fish tend to be somewhat dim-witted so it’s amazing that you have yours so ‘well-trained’ as it were. Hope the poor thing recovers soon ~ I don’t think it’s strange to sympathise with a fish at all…they might creep me out a little but they’re still living creatures capable of feeling pain, and it’s only natural for anyone sensitive and kind like you are to feel sorry for them when they’re clearly suffering.

    I could have written that last section. But I value you immensely, and so do many, many others. Can we really ALL be wrong? We might not have you totally ‘figured out’ but it’s obvious from every post that you write that you have no reason to hate yourself. Changing engrained negative thoughts and behaviours takes years…probably as long as the thoughts themselves have been present. I’m struggling with the same thing right now and all I can suggest is to take it one step at a time, one day at a time, just to find one tiny element that isn’t something to hate. I hope that we can both learn to cultivate a louder, more prominent voice to shout down the negative ones.


  8. i really really really think you are awesome from the bottom of my heart

  9. Aww poor fishie, I hope the pea works!

  10. Pingback: Wanna Go Away « Blue Eyed Heart

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