Craptastic Rants

Before I say anything else, I want to say this: For the most part, I have found the blogging community to be wonderful and supportive.

I do not censor the comments on my blog. It is very, very rare that I take issue with any of them; it is even more rare for me to actually delete one. Maybe I’m being oversensitive about it, but I have said it before repeatedly, so I’m sorry for beating a dead horse: I know that I tend to be a volume eater, and even though it might just be a relatively low-calorie pile of vegetables, the size of it mortifies me. That’s why I employ the close-up shot so often. Given the fact that I have said more than once how I feel about that, I found it a little… hurtful, I guess, for someone to rag on me about it. I readily admit that when it comes to such things, I do not have much of a sense of humor. It’s still just too touchy a subject for me to joke about it.

On a somewhat related note, I’ve been pondering what blogging does for me. I know that when I first began blogging, it was pretty much just because I find typing to be a lot faster than writing with a pen; it was basically intended to serve as a journal. And it does, even though I do still keep a paper journal for some things that are just too personal for me to write on here.

Like I said, the blogging community is amazing; at the same time, though, it bothers me that I can still allow myself to feel the “competitiveness” creeping in. As a general rule, I prefer to stay away from numbers. I never liked numbers at all, and find it rather ironic that I managed to become so obsessed with them in this regard! But I think that being specific about numbers kind of just pinpoints something else about which to feel insecure; it “gives a face to the name,” if you know what I mean. While I wish I could say that this wasn’t the case, stumbling across BMIs and weights and calories does make me feel like … well, like a fraud, I guess. The old, You are not sick enough / never were sick enough to get better. This is a load of crap. I know it’s a load of crap. And yet I still seem to fall into it. Over and over and over again.

I don’t actually know what the point of the last paragraph was, if there was one at all. I guess I just needed to get that out of my system.

Everything that I said before that little rant did nothing to improve my mood, which was quite bleak from the start of the day. I’m not very good at the whole “positive thinking” thing, though I do try it… it just seems like a futile effort when I wake up looking and feeling like a beached whale.

Despite all this, I tried a pistachio Larabar for the first time today…

To be honest, I was not blown away. In fact, I didn’t even like it much. Once upon a time, before I decided I didn’t like / was afraid of nuts, I think I actually liked pistachios. But this bar was just too greasy, and it was somewhat softer than most Larabars I’ve had. I prefer the firmer texture. And it didn’t even taste much like pistachios!

In the interest of fairness, I will concede that today was probably not the best of days for me to try something new, because nothing tasted good to me today.

In other fun news, I have to state for the record that I hate the USPS. They are pretty much useless; I am waiting on a package that’s being delivered from Florida. It’s on the same freaking coast! It’s supposedly been in my local post office for two days. It was supposed to be delivered yesterday. It has not yet arrived. So I tried to call my local post office, and the line was busybusybusy — probably because a bunch of other people are calling to complain about the packages they were supposed to receive, but never did! So then I called the 800 number, and the automated system wouldn’t direct me to customer service unless I supplied a tracking number. I did, and the system told me that delivery status of that item is unavailable. Then it told me that the information provided by the system is up-to-date, and that “customer service is not an option at this time.” Seriously — I should have just flown down there and picked up the damn thing myself!

My commute home didn’t exactly improve my temperament; I was on a train that spent twenty minutes just standing in the station.  Memo to the MTA: an announcement such as “Stand clear of the closing doors” ought to actually be followed by closing doors!!  I got home half an hour later than usual because of this.  All I can say is, it’s a good thing it wasn’t a Friday.

My favorite soup (mushroom barley)… I burned my mouth.  Of course.  And I eat too fast when I’m aggravated.  Not good.

I attempted to make a burger / patty out of some of the leftover black eyed peas from the can I opened yesterday… but irritation does not help in the kitchen, apparently.  It was basically just a pile of baked beans, I guess!  With some egg white mixed in.  The vegetables are self-explanatory; and I just need to say that I love bulgur.  Like, I really love it.  But it does freak me out a bit how much it expands when it’s cooked!  (Obviously, you can’t see this here, but I’m sure you can take my word for it by now that it was too much.)

Another of the dozen.  They’re unlike the earrings I usually wear, but I just thought they were pretty.  My sister liked them, too, so maybe I’ll be a sweetheart and buy her a pair.

Since aggravations appear to come in bunches… I saw my nutritionist tonight instead of last night, because of the yahrtzeit.  As usual, I went to the supermarket afterwards.  I spent over an hour there, and not because I was having a blast trolling the aisles or busy freaking out over a purchasing decision (while that did happen, it only took five minutes).  No, I got to spend over half an hour waiting in the checkout line… even though there was just one couple ahead of me.  They wanted sixteen bottles of apple juice, and there was a sale price limit of four, so it had to be rung up as four different transactions.  I was ready to pull my hair out of my head.  And on the topic of hair, since it was so insanely late by the time I got home, my hair would never had had time to dry after a shower… so I decided to deep-condition it overnight.  I’m blasting it with heat first, which would explain why I’m sitting here and blogging when my alarm is due to ring in less than six hours.

Either way, I am glad today is over… I hope that because it was so chock-full of little irritations, I’ve paid my dues for a while!  I’m sure there were good things that happened today as well… but right now I am feeling too crappy and tired to find them.

Have a great weekend!

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13 responses to “Craptastic Rants

  1. Aw, girl…I’m sorry about the negative comments…That sucks…sometimes people say things, but they don’t mean it in a mean way. But if they did, well…they can f**k off. I know what you mean abt being touchy abt such things, because I only just received a comment kind of like that, too, which was accusatory and critical, and it did not feel good.

    At least you realize where you’re lacking. Just promise me you’ll do something about it?

    Hugs to you. Please continue blogging. I’ll hunt you down if you stop. 😉

  2. girl sorry about the negative comments! sometimes ppl are just insecure and feel the need to put others down.

    i love you blogging and commenting!!

  3. im sorry you are dealing with the negativity- but like you said, this blog is intended to be your journal, so say and do what you want because ultimately, it is about you & what is best for you. i hope you continue the bloggin and don’t let things like that get you down 🙂

    xoxo
    shelley
    http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com

  4. I can understand how you felt about that comment, it would annoy me too. It’s not really something you joke about to someone else with an eating disorder unless you know them REALLY well! I’m sorry you feel like the blogging community is a bit number obsessed sometimes. I hope my occasional numbers don’t upset you too much – I tend to think I can’t be that triggering at this point since I am pretty much weight restored, and I’m such a literal person that I always think of numbers when I think of progress, so they do end up being included sometimes, but of course different things upset different people, triggers are very individual (I dislike the t word 😛 it seems kind of self-helpy, lol). I think one thing that helped me get over those feelings of inferiority was remembering that that’s just part of the illness – even the ‘most’ unwell people find some way of discounting their experiences and telling themselves they weren’t sick enough. There’s no such thing as sick enough.
    I hope you weren’t too tired this morning!

  5. dude. we are soooo twins having craptastic days yesterday. sheesh. usps can suck this *

    hahha.

    dude, i totally feel you on the pistachio larabar. i bit into it excitedly during the sumer and CRUCNH on a pistachio shell. NEVER eating it again. hahaha.

    i’m not feeling positive at all.

  6. Sorry about those comments. Try not to focus on those, like you said: the blogging community can be wonderful at the same time:)

    Never had that Larabar…but I don’t really like pistachios anyway;)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  7. laurasworthlesswords

    Awww, try not to let that comment annoy you to much, sometimes people can say things without reallly realising the effects the comment can have or without meaning it inthe way you took it. Im overly sensitive to people remarking about my food in real life even if they just ask what are you eating I get all defensive, I think people with eds just are that way, we over analyse and worry about that sort of thing to much.
    The blogging community is a great source of help so dont let it put you off, Id miss your posts to much 🙂

    I really like your earings, they have a lovely sparkle off them.

    Hmm I vaguely remember eating that larabar a while back and I came to the same conclusion it was pretty greasy, I dont reallly like bars that have a greasy texture.

    Anyhow have a great weekend, xox

  8. I’ve had a few negative comments myself and just deleted them without even giving a response. I think people like that comment to get attention, to cause a stir and I will not give them the satisfaction.

  9. I understand with the negative comments….I don’t even acknowledge them. I really enjoy reading your blog (and seeing your beautiful pictures), especially relating to all of it!
    I agree with you with the Larabars–some are so greesy, others not…can’t figure it out!
    Love the earrings! You’ve inspired me to get a more exciting pair 🙂
    I hope you have a great weekend 🙂

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