Go AWAY!!

This lovely fellow was in my head today.  Well, maybe not.  I’m not into the whole “anthropomorphizing” thing… I don’t have voices in my head.  I am not schizophrenic.  What I do have are thoughts that can get very loud and intrusive.  I killed my MP3 player battery today in an attempt to drown out all that mental noise; didn’t exactly work, I just wound up with more noise!  Quite literally, this time.

I don’t like this.  Mostly because I’m terrified that if I don’t watch it, I’ll fall right into this again.  As it is, at the moment, the best word to describe how I am feeling is crazy.  “Like a trussed turkey” is apt too, but we’re not talking physically here, are we? … I can be feeling perfectly “fine,” and then, either for no reason whatsoever, or for a really stupid reason, I suddenly want to run screaming out of my own skin.

Speaking of my own skin, my muscles are incredibly sore for some reason.  It’s odd — I can’t think of anything that I did that was unusual / out of the ordinary!  Then again, whatever could explain that might also help me figure out why my upper arms have been insanely itchy for the past few weeks.  TMI.  Sorry.

I’m trying not to count calories.  Once I reach a certain number, I start to freak out, and what I am supposed to be doing is well above that point.  You know how it goes… if I don’t know know about it, it didn’t happen.  Right.  Denial much?

On the topic of denial, I was thisclose to hitting my therapist today.  (For the record: that is an expression, nothing more.  I don’t hit people.  I only hit inanimate objects.)  She asked me if I think I have an eating disorder.  Um… is it 2005 again??  I told her that I don’t think I have one, I know I do.  So then she decided to have me list all the reasons why I think / know that.  ’twas frustrating.  Apparently all for the purposes of bringing me out of my denial.  Except that I don’t really think I am in denial!

Also quite annoying: I was told this now, so that I have time to “digest” the information, but the lease is up on her office next month.  The new office is a few subway stops away from my own office.  Which means that by the time I get there, I’d have to turn around and head right back to work because my lunch hour will be over.  Oy.

Enough of my rambling.

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So I steamed this cabbage and tofu, and I was actually pretty sure I wouldn’t like it.  I’m not a fan of raw tofu, and steamed tofu isn’t too different from that.  I packed this away in a container and then refrigerated it to take to work with me.  Apparently, when refrigerated, steamed tofu develops a sort of chewy consistency.  Me like.

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There was so much agonizing involved in this, it isn’t even funny!  Skipping right over that, I made a couple of discoveries.  One, Cluckphrey “chicken” patties taste much better when baked in the oven than when microwaved.  Two, while the allure of saving time is there, quick-cooking barley has nothing on the original; not bad, but nowhere near as good as the “real” stuff.  And, yeah, Steamfresh broccoli, carrots, sugar snap peas and water chestnuts.  I am going to turn into a big vegetable one of these days.

It’s barely even 10.00 PM, and I am seriously considering going to bed.  I think I’m averaging four hours a night this past week, and that just isn’t working for me.  I worked on two PowerPoint presentations and on a paper, and I should have done far more than I did, or paid more attention so that it isn’t so shoddy… but I am just too tired.

I’m going to be an old lady and head off.  Have a great weekend!

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11 responses to “Go AWAY!!

  1. the tofu looks delish. sorry about the mental noise and frustration hopefully things mellow out soon 🙂

  2. hey girl!
    i can totally relate to those ‘days’ when i feel a bit crazy– ok A LOT crazy and it usually lasts for more than just a day haha 🙂

    mehh– i can understand why you are feelin a bit frustrated with your therapist– its like — you are NOT in DENIAL, so what point is she trying to prove?!? weird!!

    anyways– the tofu dish looks/sounds great! good luck with the work xoxoxo

  3. Oh–I feel your frustration, and even the difficulty of actually explaining “those” days! Was your therapist trying to just make you say that you are struggling? My therapist does things like that….I don’t get it….wonderful but hurts my head!
    Your food pics look beautiful as always! I had tofu turkey the other day and thought of you 🙂

  4. Your description of how you feel sounds like my reaction to antidepressants. I checked the side effects of common medication for hypothyroidism and restlessness and ‘excitability’ are two of them. If the dose is a little high, it basically makes people manic. It makes sense really, because whilst having too low a level of thyroid hormones can make you tired and depressed, having too much makes you hyperactive and anxious. I never got the ‘happy’ version of mania either, it was always the dysphoria, skin crawling, throw myself at the wall version. I felt crazy, there’s no other way to describe it. Obviously this is just a random thought, but it sounds so similar to my hypomania, maybe it would be worth asking your doctor if it could be side effects?
    I hope you feel better soon anyway ❤

  5. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way…
    Maybe take the things you can use from your therapist and ‘forget’ the parts that aren’t helping (because you aren’t in denial for instance). Don’t let those bits upset you, it doesn’t mean that the rest isn’t helpful…

    You’re strong and you can do this. Hold on! Have a great weekend:)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  6. only m-f it opens at 5:30am. totally my kinda gym. but on weekends, only opens at 9. LAME.

  7. im sorry you are frustrated 😦 i don’t blame you– hopefully things go better next time. food looks great

    xoxo
    shelley
    http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com

  8. Pingback: Blue Eyed Heart

  9. Our academic lives seem to be running in parallel right now…I’m working on another 5000 word essay and a Powerpoint presentation simultaneously too. And reading blogs when I should be finishing them 😛 Sleep is more important than any paper, though: lack of it only heightens psychological ‘noise’ and the constant inner dialogue you’re suffering from…it also increases the likelihood of mania (haha, sounding all knowledgable but I learnt that from Katie)

    Darn therapists with their patronising questions that are almost rhetorical ~ I feel your frustration but you certainly don’t come across as being in denial to me!

    Tofu looks so delicious that it actually makes me wish I could eat it, which is saying something as I’m not much of a tofu fan.

    Hope things pick up for you at the week-end…and get to bed!

    xoxxo

  10. i wanna try tofu that way now…since i feel the same way you do. what does steamed cabbage taste like? is that just cabbage, bc it looks like onions and other stuff?

  11. Pingback: Desperately Seeking… Something « Blue Eyed Heart

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