I caved…

I want to watch Game 6 of the World Series tomorrow, and since the pool was closed today anyway because of Election Day (don’t even get me started on that), I saw my nutritionist today instead of tomorrow.  I was really terrified either way — I didn’t want to find out I’ve gained a crazy amount of weight, but I also didn’t want to deal with the backlash if I’d lost.  As it turns out, I maintained.  To the ounce.  It is insanely late, so lucky for you who is reading this, I am not going to get into it… but I gave in.  I went to CVS after my appointment.

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It isn’t Boost Plus, obviously… but I guess it’s better than what I was using before.  (It helped that this one was on sale… it is insane how expensive these things are!!)  Just thinking about what I have to do for the next week makes me want to cry… and I really, really can’t afford this now, because I have so much work to do for school that I am just not doing.  I wish the World Series would have ended last night… would have freed up my schedule some!!

And my Bolivian ram died.  It was one of my favorites.  😦

My “best friend” from elementary / high school and I had a little talk the other day. She claims that I “disappeared” once she got married. It’s true that I might have been a little distracted around the time she got married — that happened at the same time that I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. The one time I tried to talk with her about it, she interpreted my “It’s hard to pretend to be happy when you’re not” as “I am jealous of you and it is difficult for me to pretend I’m happy for you.” Which is not what I meant at all, but she always seems to turn things around so it’s all about her. That was the last time I really tried to talk to her about anything of true value. And besides, I thought she might have aligned her priorities a bit differently, considering she has a husband, and all.

Fast forward to the present. She’s going through some medical issues, and I’m the only one of her friends who really knows. I guess she felt that since she knows about my ED, I was a safe repository. (When I say she knows, I mean just that; we never talk about it at all.) So in our recent chat, which was the first time we’d caught up in a while, I stupidly (because I keep doing that… trying to get through to someone when I know I won’t) told her about the problems I’m having because of this thyroid medication, because it’s making me lose weight. Her response was, “Now you can eat more of the foods you enjoy without worrying that you’ll gain extra weight.”

I’m not judging her on her inability to understand where I’m coming from. She’s very lucky not to have ever been in that position. But seriously — did you listen to a single word I just said?! If I was just able to “eat more of the foods I enjoy without worrying,” the weight loss wouldn’t be a problem!

I think that a major part of why I might withdraw from people is due to my black-and-white thinking. If I’m not extremely important to someone, I automatically equate that with rejection and decide that I am just useless, so there’s no point in sticking around.  It’s just that I already feel like I’m extraneous, so it seems sort of … self-destructive, in a way, for me to subject myself to the possibility of being hurt over and over and over again.

Anyway, enough of my babbling. On to the pictures.

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I said I was indecisive… so much for my making a decision! I love these shirts so much that I went back and bought another one. (Naturally, they didn’t have my first choice in my size. Oh, well.)

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I’d never tried this flavor Larabar before, for the following reason:

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Yeah. Frightful. But I have to say that even after I got past that, I didn’t actually care very much for this bar. The banana flavor was way too pronounced for my taste, and there were far too many nuts. But at least now I know, right?

New bar alert!

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NuGo10, in the lemon flavor… this is very similar to a Larabar, but the citrus taste is much stronger than the lemon bar Larabar. In fact, I think it might be a little too strong! If you like citrus, you’d love this; if you don’t, you will definitely hate it.

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Another embarrassingly huge salad! This one had romaine, baby bellas, baby peppers, whole grain rotini, and “roasted” tofu. It was so enormous that I managed to complete a crossword, two sudokus, and a ken ken in the amount of time it took me to eat it.

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Steamfresh broccoli and cauliflower, (deformed) vegetarian drumstick, and quinoa… the addition of which was extremely anxiety-provoking.  I have found, however, that I would probably love anything if it was seasoned with garlic salt.

…and now that I have another sleep-deprived, terrifying day ahead of me, I bid you all adieu.  Have an awesome Hump Day!

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10 responses to “I caved…

  1. hey you do crosswords when you eat? i do too! it’s bomb.

  2. hey girl…sorry about your fish 😦 !!

    i admire you so for your progress in recovery– you DID it! yay for the boost!!! i know this next week is going to be hard– but you WILL succeed my L girl <3!!!

    thanks for the heads up on the new bar ! it looks yummy.

    sorry about a little friend drama– i hate that… im going through some of that myself-!

    take care love xoxox

    ps my new blog: http://www.myorganicintuition.com

    ❤ jaime

  3. Glad you’re finally listening to your nutritionist…but girl, are you serious about recovery? You confuse me at times, the way you go about calories and stuff…

    But your friend…man, she doesn’t know shit about EDs! I see where you’re coming from, but then, a lot of my best friends have the same ignorant responses…yet they are my BEST friends, because despite their insensitivity and idiocy, they still care about me, and we connect in levels other than ED. Nobody is perfect, but you overlook their imperfections, because well…you can’t be alone all the time. And within the bad points, there should be some good points, right?

    Okay, I’m rambling. But I hope things fare better for you.

  4. I sincerly hope this doesn’t sound patronising but I think you made an incredibly brave and mature decision by choosing to buy the Boosts. Keyword is ‘choosing’, not being forced. Taking your recovery into your own hands will hopefully be a more empowering experience than, say IP…although it radiates through the post how hard and traumatising it is for you.

    I’m sorry your friend made such reductive comments about your eating disorder…I think she’s missing the point that not everyone is able to enjoy food and it’s not just some kind of diet gone too far. Oversimplification is such a problem in our culture in relation to many things. It doesn’t mean she couldn’t be a source of support if you were able to get past those communication issues though. Obviously she might not be the right kind of person at all, but I’m just throwing out ideas because I can’t imagine how you’re managing to go through all this alone.

    I’m absolutist when it comes to friendship too…thank goodness I’ve never been in a relationship situation. I’d be a nightmare of a girlfriend.

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: that salad is 90% vegetables! Volume, yes…calories, no. So no shame or guilt over it necessary…it’s your ED telling you that and has no basis in fact.

    I didn’t like the banana Larabar either. Well, I may have initially but I panic bought a case of 16 when they announced Larabar were withdrawing from the UK market and now I never want to see another one again 😉

    xoxox

  5. I’m glad you bit the bullet and got the Boost. Yeah, it’s gross now, but it will only help you in the long run.

    Sorry about your friend troubles. I’m sure that she didn’t mean anything by it–she probably just didn’t choose her words carefully or said it without thinking, which is something we are all guilty of now and again. I hope things get sorted out!

  6. Sorry about the fish and the friend. Some people do change when they get married unfortunately, and don’t realize it. They project that on others, and it sucks, but it’s just the way it is. I’m sure it will all work out though!

  7. hahaha it is a universal truth that free stuff tastes good. how could it not!? it was free! and free is SWEET. =D

    love the shirt. hhha i just wrote shit. but that shirt is the shit. =D

  8. I’m proud of you for buying the supplements and I really hope you’re gonna take them (and not only these ones) and continue to be serious about your recovery. It’s hard work and I know you can do this, but it’s not always easy: you have to fight! And trust me: you can do this and it’s worth it. You’re worth it!

    And please: a Larabar with XX amount of calories: have it please! It’s not so much at all, you need it and the most important thing: they’re good! (try the ginger snap, I had that one today: mmm)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  9. Congratulations on maintaining! I’m so proud of you, LR.

    Sorry about your friend and how you’ve drifted. I think a lot of people don’t know how to talk with other people about their problems, and internalize their own discomfort by being distant. I had a “friend” who literally said “let’s make Katie anorexic” to me once. Bye bye, friend!

    Anyway, I hope you get some well-earned rest, and keep those jumbo salads coming! They’re my favorite 🙂

  10. Pingback: Long Day, Long Post « Blue Eyed Heart

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