Problems and Passions

Yes, I’m apparently back to alliterating post titles. Apologies.

There are actually two Verbal Vomits in this post. Projectile verbal vomiting! If you want to avoid the first, ED-related spurt, skip straight down to the pictures serving as a dividing line.

Like I said yesterday, my nutritionist had plans to yell at me. Apparently, she called my therapist instead. If I had to sum up my gut reaction to her reaction, it would be that for someone who claims to be concerned about my (perfectly healthy!) heart, she’s certainly doing her best to send me into cardiac failure. I really do not understand how I could have possibly lost as much weight as they say I did over the past week. I send my nutritionist
pictures, for heaven’s sake, so she can see that I’m not calling two grains of rice a serving. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s embarrassing to even think of the volume of food I eat. I feel like I just never stop, and it disgusts me, and this is what I get for it? Nice. So “they” decided that I should add not one, not two, but three Boost Plus supplements (for the record, that is over one thousand additional calories). Every day. Which is clearly not happening, for a million different reasons. Such as, they taste nasty; they have about a million grams of sugar, and I do not need to be in a sugar coma; liquid calories freak the hell out of me — this is more than bad enough; and, um, this one isn’t on the list, but I really don’t think all of this fuss is necessary. Nor am I going to lie and say that I will / did drink it if I know I won’t / didn’t … so I’m supposed to be eating even more now. Honestly, I don’t know whether to cry or scream. I’d go with the crying option, since other people in my house would hear me scream (a bad thing to happen in an environment devoid of “support”); but as I haven’t cried in so long that I don’t even remember when I last did, I’m pretty much out of options.

But.  Though I might not be sure what I want, I’m adamant on what I don’t want.  I absolutely have zero interest in going IP.  Going last time only created more problems for me… it’s not like I was “medically compromised,” so it was just stupid.  And I’m kind of in the same position right now.  While I’m happy about that — why would I want to feel sick?! — it also aids in allowing me to adopt a somewhat cavalier attitude to it all.  I need to get over that, but I can’t seem to break free of the mindset that if I just don’t think about something, it will go away.  Clearly, this is not going away, not if I don’t make it go away.  Too bad I’m such a wuss about it.

I did, however, do this.

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Wheat couscous and chickpeas with paprika, and then garlic salt; and Italian blend vegetables… with garlic salt, of course.  I hate to toot my own horn, but seriously?  This was absolutely genius.  The only problem with it was that there was an awful lot more of it than I would have liked there to be, no matter how good it was.  (Doesn’t it say something that I ate that two and a half hours ago and I am still uncomfortably full?!)

This was my “decision” …

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Now that I’ve made the choice, I can go buy more.  I absolutely love this shirt.  It is so comfortable and deliciously warm… and I really like that it’s not too snug a fit.

Matching earrings.  Naturally!

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As for the “passions”… lately, I’ve been wondering about my chosen field of study / career. Some of the people with whom I go to school are just burning with passion for it, and I’m simply … not. I can’t help but wonder: is this because I’m just not a “passionate” type of person, or is it a sign that I’m in the wrong field? I hate doubting myself that way, but really, if this isn’t “it,” I don’t know what is. Just another way in which I feel completely and utterly lost.

Like a true procrastinator with piles of work to do, I am doing this instead.  How’s that for priorities?!  And then I wonder why I have a rapidly mounting stress level…

Have a great weekend!  And a happy Halloween, if you “celebrate” it.

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10 responses to “Problems and Passions

  1. sorry things are so complicate/stressful right now. i cannot imagine someone forcing me to do something i really don’t want to. main reason i have never seen a ‘professional’. i wish you all the best though. how often do they weight you because you know weight can fluctuate quite a bit from day to day. mines always up and don by a few lbs. i absolutely LOVE that shirt. i have been wanting a new flannel for awhile now but haven’t found one i like yet 😦

  2. I can feel your frustration! I had a similar conversation that I was “lying” about my food intake due to weight fluctuations! I was like, why the heck would I put time and money into seeing you if I was! I hope that you can find balance in all of this….

    PS–Your shirt looks so cozy. I love button down shirts but can never seem to find onese that really fit well!

  3. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this…

    But I’m gonna be honest: I wasn’t completely honest to myself for a long, long time. I thought I was, I really REALLY did, but I wasn’t. And I couldn’t help it, because ED was there…I had (and have) to eat a lot (tons of food, way more than normal people, way more than most others in recovery) to gain enough weight and you know what? That’s just something for my body and maybe for yours too. Don’t let those Boosts scare you (I had them 6 a day in IP!), you’ve got nothing to loose. I wish it was easier but it is a matter of doing the right things for a terrible long time until finally it clicks and works. I know you can do this. Why not give it a try for let’s say: 2 months. Commit yourself to everything (including the supplements or make your own shakes with the same cal-amount) and see after 2 months. If it doesn’t work for you, you can stop then (but in reality that would be delaying your recovery).

    I really don’t mean to be harsh, but I recognize so much of you. So much…I know life is so much better on ‘the other side’ and i know you can do this. I am there!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  4. Maybe the thyroid meds contributed to the weight loss? Whatever happened, if you don’t want to drink the extra supplement and you don’t want to go IP, maybe you could work on putting more calorie dense foods into your meals? I know calorie dense foods can be scary because of the lack of volume, but if the volume of your current intake is bothering you then surely there’s a case for them 😛

    Generally I’ve found that people become far ‘braver’ when they believe in what they are fighting for. If you have no reason to change the way things are going then why would you? If all you can see are either benefits to staying as you are or incredibly scary negatives to changing, it’s not a case of bravery or wussiness at all, it’s understandable. That doesn’t mean that your view of things is rational or that you SHOULDN’T change, because motivation is always an issue in ED recovery…but it wouldn’t hurt to work on what’s making you feel so ambivalent about recovery. When I’ve felt really similar to how you come across in this post it’s usually been because I feel helpless to cope with the consequences of the changes I need to make rather than purely wanting to stay sick. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all now I’m reading it back, lol. I mean well!

    I hope you have a nice Friday 🙂

  5. I think you definitely made the right choice with that shirt: it matches your skin tone so well 🙂

    Your last paragraph summed up exactly how I feel too: it’s so easy to be dispassionate about something (well, everything) and keep clawing around for an answer, for something that will lead to better things. I think being enthused by something just can’t be forced, and when you have the traumas of weight gain and loss distracting you and occupying your thoughts it’s difficult not to see a black cloud hanging over everything.

    Being shut down emotionally must be damaging you so much: having no support network at home is just terrible and I really feel for you…with no-one to open up to you’re having to internalise so much. It’s no wonder that those negative feelings are threatening to burst out. I wish I could do something to help the situation, I truly do…being so totally unable to do anything and being 3000 odd miles away across the atlantic royally sucks.

    xoxox

  6. Weight is an unpredictable thing. It sucks, but hey, there are worse things that can happen. So you drink some liquid calories. So what? you won’t die. You’ll just get healthier, and look better. Small price, right? Besides, it may actually be a good challenge for you.
    Also, what is “much” to you? Your perception of a lot of food may be skewed a little.
    I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to force yourself to do it. It’s tough to be misunderstood, but show them you mean business.

    As for the lack of passion thing…Not everyone has a burning fire of passion within them. Actually, that’s the majority of people. Trust me, you’re not alone in this, and you’ll be fine. Didn’t you say you love the library? Just don’t be afraid of trying new things, or experiencing new stuff. You don’t get born with passion, but you find them in your fields. Best of luck, my dear.

  7. At the risk of sounding like a complete b*tch, can I just remind you of the text you sent me about your aversion to calorie dense foos (ie, Bare Naked granola)? Just pointing it out because if your body does require a lot of calories, getting them through low calorie volume eating IS going to make you feel worse. 1000 calories can be added fairly inconspicuously if you switch things up…1/2 cup Bare Naked granola with 1/4 cup raisins and 1/2 cup of soy milk = around 500 cals. Not to undermine the stress of this, but really…your aversion to Boost, whilst valid (as valid as any ED fear is) is definitely unfounded. Sure, lots of hype about sugar, etc, but you are paying more attention to the short-term effects of a high sugar intake to the long-term effects of being a low weight. I assume that you continue to go to your appointments because you find them helpful on some level? Why is it so hard to trust them? Again, apologies for sounding really mean and admittedly, I am slacking in keeping up with the blog so this is based more on our conversations than what is written here, but I’m curious…(and you can make your own supplement shakes with lower sugar- the WF soy protein powder, peanut butter, soy milk, banana, avocado?)

  8. Hang in there with the career questions… right there with ya, girly!

    I love your shirt. I have so many blue plaid things too!

  9. Love the shirt! It is super cute.

    Sorry that you are feeling awful and overwhelmed about the Boost thing… Could you try whole milk? Then you won’t feel wacky from all the sugar. Or perhaps next time you are at the store, buy the same type of product, but with a more caloric alternative? I’m no doctor or anything, but maybe if it is a food you generally like, you can put in the extra cals in a way that is slightly less tortuous than drinking a supplement like Boost.

  10. Pingback: Jackpot « Blue Eyed Heart

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