Last night, I was filled with a feeling of self-loathing so intense that it practically took my breath away. Granted, I’ve never been known for my effusive self-love, but this was extreme.
I do not know how to handle that.
That isn’t actually entirely true. I do know how to handle it. Very effectively. But I don’t do that anymore. And my only alternative is to knock myself out so that I can’t even think about it, because if I mull it over too long, self-destructive things start to seem like very good ideas indeed.
The only problem with sleep as a solution is that it ends pretty quickly. I wasn’t feeling very much better come Monday morning. These “moods” do tend to come over me rather frequently; I know that they will pass, sooner or later. That doesn’t make it suck any less in the moment.
I am not sure what it is that I am feeling right now; I have a huge mountain of work to do, and some of it is my fault, because I spent too much time last night just staring into space instead of being productive. More work was piled on me today. I might not be sure what I am feeling, but I am sure of this: I do not like it. Some combination of stress, anxiety, depression, and being overwhelmed. With some other exciting things tossed in.
I did actually eat my sandwich. Nearly had a heart attack in the process, too, and at the moment I’m not convinced it’s so terrible that I didn’t.
Sorry about this downer post… more regular posting will resume in the future.