Downer Post

Last night, I was filled with a feeling of self-loathing so intense that it practically took my breath away.  Granted, I’ve never been known for my effusive self-love, but this was extreme.

I do not know how to handle that.

That isn’t actually entirely true.  I do know how to handle it.  Very effectively.  But I don’t do that anymore.  And my only alternative is to knock myself out so that I can’t even think about it, because if I mull it over too long, self-destructive things start to seem like very good ideas indeed.

The only problem with sleep as a solution is that it ends pretty quickly.  I wasn’t feeling very much better come Monday morning.  These “moods” do tend to come over me rather frequently; I know that they will pass, sooner or later.  That doesn’t make it suck any less in the moment.

I am not sure what it is that I am feeling right now; I have a huge mountain of work to do, and some of it is my fault, because I spent too much time last night just staring into space instead of being productive.  More work was piled on me today.  I might not be sure what I am feeling, but I am sure of this: I do not like it.  Some combination of stress, anxiety, depression, and being overwhelmed.  With some other exciting things tossed in.

I did actually eat my sandwich. Nearly had a heart attack in the process, too, and at the moment I’m not convinced it’s so terrible that I didn’t.

Sorry about this downer post… more regular posting will resume in the future.


13 responses to “Downer Post

  1. Sorry you’re so stressed honey! I’ve been having similar feelings lately, as I mentioned in my blog post today… Hang in there! xo

  2. Awwww, 😦 Please feel better soon!


  3. I’m feeling the same 😦
    Hope things start to look up soon. xox

  4. I hope things get brighter for you dear! Know that you aren’t alone and that there are so many people here that care about you. Something happening to you would be devastating to all of us!

  5. Those moods are the worst! I hope that the stress leaves you soon so you can feel like yourself. But, that is awesome that you still managed your sandwich–you could have just said “screw it!”
    Thinking about you!

  6. Not to sound too cliche, but this too shall pass! Think of all the positives in your life. I hope everything starts to feel better soon.

  7. My lovely, I am so sorry you felt so terrible today. I know exactly what you mean about using sleep as a solution… I did that quite a bit during college. What if you found an activity that took you outside yourself? Or maybe brought you back in, but in a positive way? I’m not entirely sure what that would be… paint-by-numbers? Writing? This seems to be a good outlet for you…

  8. Hope you’ll feel better really soon…But! You ate the sandwich! Proud of you girl…now have many, many more:)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  9. I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I know those moods well enough to realise that nothing alleviates the terrible, gnawing feelings of pain and self-disgust.

    Still, that’s not going to stop me from reminding you of what a gorgeous, bright, brilliant, cynical (I view this as a positive attribute), witty person that you are.

    We sound like ‘work twins’ at the moment…worrying about not being productive leads to panicking and staring into space while trying not to break down…which then means even less time to be productive. Psychological paradox…or just more of a vicious cycle.

    You DID do the right thing by eating the sandwich ~ kudos for fighting the negative voices.


  10. I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad ❤ the way you explained it sounds similar to whatever was going on with me last week. If only stuff like that always had a clear explanation and a clear solution. I think distracting yourself (sleep is as good a temporary distraction as any!) and telling yourself that this happened before and didn't last forever is probably a very sensible idea.
    Well done for getting the better of the sandwich! Hopefully it will be a little bit easier next time? x

  11. I’ve been there too and trust me when i say it gets easier. Just know that, like Hamlet said, ‘this too shall pass’.

    I had the same thing, actually, happen to me last night. I think it happens when we dont get enough sleep, i.e. cant focus. Either way… i didn’t have a luciousness of an awesome looking PB&J to get me through it. Looking forward to more of those!

  12. Sorry I did not catch this post earlier. This feeling you are having. It is only temporary. It will pass. Give yourself a big hug for me. Hope that make u feel better.

  13. Pingback: Go AWAY!! « Blue Eyed Heart

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