Monthly Archives: October 2009

Problems and Passions

Yes, I’m apparently back to alliterating post titles. Apologies.

There are actually two Verbal Vomits in this post. Projectile verbal vomiting! If you want to avoid the first, ED-related spurt, skip straight down to the pictures serving as a dividing line.

Like I said yesterday, my nutritionist had plans to yell at me. Apparently, she called my therapist instead. If I had to sum up my gut reaction to her reaction, it would be that for someone who claims to be concerned about my (perfectly healthy!) heart, she’s certainly doing her best to send me into cardiac failure. I really do not understand how I could have possibly lost as much weight as they say I did over the past week. I send my nutritionist
pictures, for heaven’s sake, so she can see that I’m not calling two grains of rice a serving. I know I’ve said it before, but it’s embarrassing to even think of the volume of food I eat. I feel like I just never stop, and it disgusts me, and this is what I get for it? Nice. So “they” decided that I should add not one, not two, but three Boost Plus supplements (for the record, that is over one thousand additional calories). Every day. Which is clearly not happening, for a million different reasons. Such as, they taste nasty; they have about a million grams of sugar, and I do not need to be in a sugar coma; liquid calories freak the hell out of me — this is more than bad enough; and, um, this one isn’t on the list, but I really don’t think all of this fuss is necessary. Nor am I going to lie and say that I will / did drink it if I know I won’t / didn’t … so I’m supposed to be eating even more now. Honestly, I don’t know whether to cry or scream. I’d go with the crying option, since other people in my house would hear me scream (a bad thing to happen in an environment devoid of “support”); but as I haven’t cried in so long that I don’t even remember when I last did, I’m pretty much out of options.

But.  Though I might not be sure what I want, I’m adamant on what I don’t want.  I absolutely have zero interest in going IP.  Going last time only created more problems for me… it’s not like I was “medically compromised,” so it was just stupid.  And I’m kind of in the same position right now.  While I’m happy about that — why would I want to feel sick?! — it also aids in allowing me to adopt a somewhat cavalier attitude to it all.  I need to get over that, but I can’t seem to break free of the mindset that if I just don’t think about something, it will go away.  Clearly, this is not going away, not if I don’t make it go away.  Too bad I’m such a wuss about it.

I did, however, do this.

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Wheat couscous and chickpeas with paprika, and then garlic salt; and Italian blend vegetables… with garlic salt, of course.  I hate to toot my own horn, but seriously?  This was absolutely genius.  The only problem with it was that there was an awful lot more of it than I would have liked there to be, no matter how good it was.  (Doesn’t it say something that I ate that two and a half hours ago and I am still uncomfortably full?!)

This was my “decision” …

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Now that I’ve made the choice, I can go buy more.  I absolutely love this shirt.  It is so comfortable and deliciously warm… and I really like that it’s not too snug a fit.

Matching earrings.  Naturally!

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As for the “passions”… lately, I’ve been wondering about my chosen field of study / career. Some of the people with whom I go to school are just burning with passion for it, and I’m simply … not. I can’t help but wonder: is this because I’m just not a “passionate” type of person, or is it a sign that I’m in the wrong field? I hate doubting myself that way, but really, if this isn’t “it,” I don’t know what is. Just another way in which I feel completely and utterly lost.

Like a true procrastinator with piles of work to do, I am doing this instead.  How’s that for priorities?!  And then I wonder why I have a rapidly mounting stress level…

Have a great weekend!  And a happy Halloween, if you “celebrate” it.

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For some reason, I’m feeling kind of “blah” … so I’ll try to keep things simple here!  Though knowing me, I’ll end up with some Verbal Vomit at some point.  For the moment, some pictures.

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Romaine, baby peppers, ginger teriyaki Tempehtations, roasted asparagus.

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Honey wheat braided twist pretzels… I had never tried them before, and I loved them.  I kind of go through stages where I crave pretzels, and then sometimes I don’t touch them for months.  I am weird.

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As planned, I put a Garden Gourmet veggie burger in a pita.  While I did like the “burger-in-a-pita” concept, the burgers are definitely not Tivi Valley!  They are a bit greasy, and there are some weird chewy chunks in there.  Not a major fan.  Nor am I a fan of the turnip greens you see in the background… at all!

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On the topic of Garden Gourmet, I tried this too:

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I kind of liked this… again, though, it was definitely not the same as Tivi Valley’s schnitzel.  It wasn’t bad, but it did have a lot more grease.  I think it goes without saying that I do not like grease.

I know there are hummus purists out there, and those who say that if it doesn’t have tahini, it’s not really hummus.  This is true.  However, I do not like tahini, and therefore, I love the zero-fat hommus from Oasis Mediterranean Cuisine. I had a little issue, so I contacted the company, and they very graciously sent me a package “for my inconvenience”:

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I’m especially excited about the black bean dip, because I haven’t been able to find that anywhere.

Mini Verbal Vomit (told ya!)… Part of the reason why I am feeling so … flat is probably because of the weather.  It’s been raining for two days (and the umbrella that I bought yesterday seems to be leaking — I don’t think I ought to have blobs of rain dropping onto my head when I’m under an umbrella!), and that’s depressing enough.  But I always feel like I bloat due to the humidity.  Is it possible to bloat but not actually gain weight?!  Hmm.  It must be, I guess, because after my dash onto my nutritionist’s scale, she wasn’t too happy with me.  I quote: “You are in trouble; I am going to have to yell at you.”  Or something like that.  Apparently, if I feel like I gained X, I lost that much.  Does that mean I need to start flipping around every thought in my head?!  No, I should just stop thinking right now, because it’s been a very very long day and tomorrow looks like more of the same.  It feels like I am always so busy, but doing what?!  You would think that I might actually have a life, but I don’t.  Come to think of it, that’s not so odd under the circumstances.  But sometimes, it really does suck to live in a bubble like that.  I live in my own world… but that’s okay, everybody knows me there.

This is totally random, but I found it really amusing for some reason.  Hair that styles itself?  I wish.

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Enjoy your Thursday.

Mold and Ulcers

On Sunday night, I really did not want to make a sandwich to take with me to class on Monday.  But I went down to my freezer to dig out one of the loaves of bread I knew I had put there.  And couldn’t find it.  After emptying out the whole freezer, and then doing the same to the one in the kitchen upstairs, I called my mom to find out if she knew what had happened to my bread.  No dice.  I, obviously, was a little happy — no bread means I can’t make a sandwich, right?  And then I found my bread.  In a bag hooked over the seat of my brother’s bike, which is near the freezer in the basement.  Apparently, someone took it out to put something else in, and forgot about it.  Does this look like it would make a tasty sandwich?

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I don’t care how ill someone is; that amount of penicillin is never, ever necessary.  And, obviously, I still had no bread to make my sandwich.  The reason why I had two of these in the freezer is because there is only one store in my neighborhood that sells it, and it’s extremely expensive; so when I found it somewhere else, I stocked up.  But it was Sunday night, and there was only one grocery store open, and so I had to settle for something else.  I was understandably turned off bread for the moment, so I bought a package of whole wheat mini pitas instead.  Behold:

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And it made a really good sandwich.  But now I have a nearly-full package of whole wheat mini pitas in my freezer.  I suppose I can stick a veggie burger in there.  (Speaking of which, I think I’ve heard that these are same thing as the Tivi Valley; so when I saw them when I went to buy my pitas, I grabbed one!)

Moving on…

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Wheat berries, edamame, and carnival squash.  I baked / roasted the squash whole, because the sticker on it said to do so; I do not think I will be doing that again.  I have no idea why, but this squash tasted bitter.  I doused the entire plate in salt and pepper, and dumped some cinnamon on the squash too, but … I have another carnival squash, and I am definitely going to cube that one first.

For my salad on Monday, I used a different tofu than my usual:

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With romaine, whole grain rotini, and Brussels sprouts roasted with seasoned salt.  I know I said I hate Brussels sprouts, but I don’t know what happened… I loved them here.

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I really liked this tofu; it has a totally different texture than what I’m used to.  It’s also insanely expensive in comparison, so I don’t think I’ll be buying it on a regular basis!  (I am actually mortified at how much I used… even if it is “under orders.”  I guess I’m inherently a volume eater, and even if it’s mostly low-calorie things, I just find it embarrassing to post pictures of such… volume.  The close-up shot is my best friend here…)

Oh, yeah… I did end up going to Target for a shirt.  My decision was made a bit easier by the fact that they had all but sold out… I had decided that I wanted this one, but there were none left. I tried on this one, which wound up in my cart along with this one … because I am an indecisive freak.  My mom was no help at all: “Get them both!”  When I explained that the whole point was for me to learn to actually make decisions, no matter how stupid, she told me to get the blue one because “It matches your eyes.”  She’s been telling me that for years.  I did end up getting the blue one, though.  And now I’m going to stop thinking about the purple one.

That should be fairly easy, because I am so so so so so overwhelmed… I’m telling you, I am developing an ulcer.  A big one.  I thought one of my papers is due next Monday.  I am nowhere near ready to hand it in, and I don’t feel like I will ever be.  I seem to get dumber and dumber the older I get!!  There was actually a mistake on the syllabus and I have two weeks; my ulcer got a tiny bit smaller.  But it’s still there.  Very much so.

Though it was a little bright spot that we got our evaluations back for the project that was responsible for my battle with Dreamweaver, in which I was not the victor.  I got a 20/20.  I hate to brag, and I’m sorry if it comes off that way, but it was just such a relief to me to not have totally bombed on it.

I have an appointment with my nutritionist tomorrow night.  I called her today to inform her that there is a situation, the severity of which I am sure she will not appreciate.  She said that since she is a Yankee fan, I can come earlier just for a quick weigh-in, and we’ll have a session on the phone / via e-mail.  To ensure that it is just a quick weigh-in, I am going to stop at the supermarket first; I am buying Steamfresh, which is on major sale, and we can’t have that melting, now can we?!

As usual, there is a lot more I could / would write… but I am on my mini while a DVD is playing on my laptop, because I have no time to do anything, so… yeah.  Have a great Tuesday.

Some Nonsensical Babble

Thank you for the good thoughts / wishes on my last post … I am very tentatively feeling a little more “stable,” but I don’t want to get too excited over it just yet because Saturday nights / Sundays seem to be the times that I am most susceptible to falling into the trap all over again!

Because of the weather, I found myself with some free time tonight.  I was determined to knock out at least five of the ten required pages for one of my papers.  (What is that all about, by the way?!  What if I’ve already said everything I need to say, and I’ve only filled seven pages?  Do these professors really want to read three pages’ worth of filler drivel?  Is seven pages not enough?!)  Well, I am — surprise, surprise — in a bit of a panic here.  I think I have five pages —  I’m not sure because it’s such a mess and mixed up with a bunch of random insertions for now — but they seem to be mostly regurgitated crap.  Not surprising, considering I’m attempting to write a paper without having any real thesis, when finding one should have been Step One in this process.  I know I keep saying that I no longer care whether or not I get an A, so long as this interminable semester ends; but I also know that I absolutely will be devastated when I don’t get an A.  Panic, as it turns out, is a very poor motivator.

I need something to look forward to at the end of the semester… where should I go on my post-semester vacation?!  Open to all suggestions… only requirements are A) warm-water diving and B) will not bankrupt me!

On a completely unrelated note, I am a confirmed Target addict, as I am there at least once a week.  Last Sunday, I saw these shirts and sort of fell in love, which is odd because that is completely unlike anything I ever wear.  I didn’t buy it because I am so indecisive that I couldn’t decide which color to get.  (Hey, give me a break — there are fourteen of them!)  I happened to mention that to my therapist, which wasn’t exactly news — we all know that I tend to turn stupid decisions into massive processes.  So now I have an “assignment,” since I’m going to Target tomorrow (to be a nice sister and return something for my sister… okay, and because I want to go anyway)… I’m supposed to buy one shirt and not spend more than five minutes thinking about the color.  And I’m supposed to try it on so that I don’t wind up buying the wrong size and effectively getting to obsess over the color twice, since I’d start the whole process over if I had to exchange it.  Which is really annoying; I don’t like trying things on in stores, especially in the winter.  This isn’t so much a result of ED thinking as it is inconvenience; why should I take off all of my winter layers just to try something on?!

I’ve babbled nonsensically for long enough.  Moving on…

I tried another flavor of the Primal Strips, this time Teriyaki.

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I was particularly amused by the fact that this contains “unrefined evaporated can juice.” Whatever, I think I finally figured out how to eat this. What a skill. But I really liked this flavor! It didn’t taste much like teriyaki, but that’s not a bad thing; just a misnomer.

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I think kasha might have some serious competition for the distinction of being named my favorite grain. This is garlic salt-spiked bulgur mixed with peas and carrots, plus chopped fried eggs microwaved All Whites. I knew that the ratio of bulgur to water should be 1:2, but I was reading the box and stupidly put in more water than I should have — because that was a “recipe” for bulgur as a hot cereal. As a result of this display of my inherent genius, it was a bit “soupier” than I’d like, but still delectable. I think I am in love with bulgur.

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Vanilla yogurt mixed with Puffins, cinnamon, and peaches, because I had to do something with them.  Um, hello?  Why did I not think of this before?!  I loved it!  I tried it with cinnamon applesauce the next day, and it was equally good.  I love discovering things that are so simple that I feel like an idiot for not having thought of it sooner!

I also tried the burgers I bought last week:

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Well… they don’t even come close to Tivi Valley.  They had a sort of weird texture that I guess some would describe as “rubbery.”  Ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind it… it’s just that when I compare them to their predecessors, well, it makes me sad!!  They are incredibly filling, though.  (16g of protein; I like that.)

Because Elise wouldn’t try this ;), I finally did!!

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Roasted pineapple!  Probably should have roasted longer, but, what can I say, I ran out of time… roasting just brought out the sweetness, really.  And it was warm.  I have no idea what would have happened if I’d let it cool, because I ate it all before it got to that point.  Sorry!

Google Reader is getting scarier by the moment, so I think I will attempt to tackle it now… enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Acting As If

There is a Yiddish expression that translates into, “Think good and it will be good.”  While it’s never really worked for me, I still grew up with it, and that’s just about the only thing that is left when everything just seems so… blue.  That’s why I am going to pretend that I am not enormously stressed out, overwhelmed, depressed, whatever, etc.  Maybe if I think I’m not, I really won’t be.

However, before I get to the part of this post in which I begin ignoring that, I just have to say that it is very late, so excuse my incoherence; I got back from my nutritionist appointment not long ago.  I am annoyed — I lost .2 lb.  Yes, .2.  And for that, because my nutritionist is convinced that the thyroid medication is making me lose weight, I was gifted with an increase of epic proportions.  Are you kidding me?!  So off I went to the supermarket (I was never someone who freaked / stressed out in supermarkets, and it is annoying when that happens now… but I got another turnip!)… after which I tried to go to another supermarket to buy diet Snapple because it was on sale there, but I have no sense of direction and I got so totally lost.  And now (since this paragraph was inserted after I took care of what comes below), I am thinking that I should have made my lunch for tomorrow, but since I didn’t want to think about sandwiches of any sort, I didn’t, and now I just want to go to sleep.  Did this extremely run-on paragraph make any sense?!  Well, too bad… I’m too tired to proofread.  On to the “acting as if” …

A couple of salads from the past few days.

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The baby peppers were starting to turn, and so I needed to finish those up. Pardon the massive pile. With broccoli, tofu baked / roasted in seasoned salt, and romaine (yeah, it’s under there somewhere).  This was actually a really good salad.  It’s just a pity I was in such a mood that I couldn’t even appreciate that.

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Romaine, alfalfa sprouts, carrot chips, Lightlife chick’n strips, and homemade cinnamon croutons.  Like the true genius that I am, I completely forgot the chick’n strips at first, and the whole point of this salad was to finish the open package!  It looked prettier without the anti-sogginess baggies:

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Speaking of the chick’n strips…

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I made chicken tandoori!! Well, not really; I used the same “chicken” as in the above salad. And I used the soy yogurt which I bought last week.  That was more along the lines with what I had in mind for it!  This was paired with steamed brown rice and steamed broccoli stir-fry vegetables.  I have no idea whether this is what real chicken tandoori tastes like, but I suppose it makes no difference, since I’m never going to taste the real thing in any case.

I never really venture near Whole Foods’ freezer, since I can’t have the majority of the things in there anyway. Not to mention the fact that I don’t have a freezer at work, unless you count this communal one, which obviously needs a major defrosting.

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It worked okay for me, though, I guess.  Because I saw these in Whole Foods, and I just had to buy them, considering what happened to the line of veggie burgers / chicken patties I loved!

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I bought the burgers too, but I tried this one first.  (Burgers … buns …. kind of “sandwichy” … get it?  Agh.)

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It was… interesting.  I wouldn’t say it tasted quite like chicken, but it wasn’t bad.  The only problem is that if you don’t eat it pretty quickly, it gets kind of crispy.  Not that that’s a bad thing, necessarily.  There are three heating methods written on the box, and of course I used the microwave!  Maybe I’ll try the oven or my Foreman next time.

Two mini product reviews:

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Whole Foods 365 Organic Honey Crunch & Oats — honestly, I think I’ll stick with the Peanut Butter Pows! These just tasted like sweetened corn flakes.  In the whole bowl, I found exactly one cluster of … honey crunch and oats?  Whatever it is.  It didn’t taste bad, it just wasn’t anything spectacular.

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Yogi Baked Cinnamon Raisin Granola Crisps — I have now tried all three flavors of this, and I think my favorite is the mountain blueberry flax. There was barely any cinnamon flavor to this; there was, however, a very strong raisin flavor!  Which doesn’t work for me, since I pretty much hate raisins.

And this isn’t really a review at all, but I think I’ve given up on the whole Starbucks experiment… it’s confirmed, I don’t like coffee!  So, at Ellie’s recommendation, I tried the chai tea.

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Not that I’m going to be purchasing this on a regular basis, since I could buy an entire box of tea bags for the price of this little cup; but I was pleasantly surprised that I actually kind of liked this.  The caffeine didn’t hurt, either — West Coast games kill me.

And on that note, I am newly reminded of all of the things I need to do and have not done.  Cue freakout, which is my exit.  Have a wonderful Thursday… the week is almost out!

Thank You

This isn’t really a post… I’m not exactly in a frame of mind in which I can write anything that anyone will want to read!  I am kind of dealing with a lot right now, but I don’t think I want to discuss it.  I just wanted to say that I am newly amazed by the support in this community; I genuinely appreciate every comment / message I received in response to my last post.

More “regular” posting will resume… hopefully soon.

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Downer Post

Last night, I was filled with a feeling of self-loathing so intense that it practically took my breath away.  Granted, I’ve never been known for my effusive self-love, but this was extreme.

I do not know how to handle that.

That isn’t actually entirely true.  I do know how to handle it.  Very effectively.  But I don’t do that anymore.  And my only alternative is to knock myself out so that I can’t even think about it, because if I mull it over too long, self-destructive things start to seem like very good ideas indeed.

The only problem with sleep as a solution is that it ends pretty quickly.  I wasn’t feeling very much better come Monday morning.  These “moods” do tend to come over me rather frequently; I know that they will pass, sooner or later.  That doesn’t make it suck any less in the moment.

I am not sure what it is that I am feeling right now; I have a huge mountain of work to do, and some of it is my fault, because I spent too much time last night just staring into space instead of being productive.  More work was piled on me today.  I might not be sure what I am feeling, but I am sure of this: I do not like it.  Some combination of stress, anxiety, depression, and being overwhelmed.  With some other exciting things tossed in.

I did actually eat my sandwich. Nearly had a heart attack in the process, too, and at the moment I’m not convinced it’s so terrible that I didn’t.

Sorry about this downer post… more regular posting will resume in the future.