The List

I’m constantly referring to this mythical list of products I like that are no longer in existence… so I am finally going to actually list the list! (I know that some of the foods on the list actually are still around; but they’re on my list because their kosher status has changed so that I can no longer have them. Also, these aren’t all necessarily things I would want right now; but at one time I did, and they were nowhere to be found!) This is by no means a complete list, either… but it should give you a general idea.

This was one of my recent obsessions… so it figures that they’re no longer available. (Actually, that isn’t entirely accurate. That company still makes cinnamon sugar flat bread, but now it’s “low fat” instead of “fat free,” which wouldn’t be such a big deal, except that it doubled the calorie count. I don’t know how that’s possible, and it makes no sense according to the stupid exchange system to which I do not ascribe, and I wish it didn’t matter to me at all… but it does.) I went and bought out every package I could find; I don’t care if they get stale, because I like certain things better when they’re a little stale anyway, and this is one of them. But I only have about four or five packages left, and so I set about finding a solution… which I hit upon by using these spelt flat breads, sprayed with PAM and sprinkled with cinnamon and Truvia, and then heated in the toaster oven at a low temperature.


I finally managed to get through to an actual human being with whom I could discuss the insurance issues. Apparently lots of people who waived received the cards, and I can just disregard it. It’s nice to know that the money you spend on insurance goes toward useless mailings rather than your medical bills, isn’t it?

Anyway, moving on.  It’s been a while since I posted one of these, so I will do it now, just for the hell of it… excuse my hair, it wouldn’t get out of my way.


I went to the supermarket to buy a banana.  (I took my mom’s shopping list along with me because I felt stupid going to the supermarket to buy one banana!)  Let’s just say that someone who wanted to make a lot of banana bread would have been very happy indeed… they were so overripe, it was insane!!  I tried to take one off a bunch, and it detached from the stem.  Oops.  This was the least-ripe one I could get, and it annoyed me a little bit because I like bananas best when they’re perfectly yellow… which is purely an aesthetic thing, I think, since they actually taste better when they look “uglier.”


There was an oh-so-exciting package (NOT!) from Amazon waiting for me when I got home today.  It contained a textbook on XHTML and HTML and I don’t even want to think what else because I practically have a panic attack doing that; and a pair of weight-lifting gloves.  I actually do need a new pair, but the only reason I bought it on Amazon now was because it seemed silly to pay for shipping when I could spend the same amount of money on the gloves and get free shipping — same total, but I actually get something out of it.  Anyway, to make a long story short, the gloves are men’s gloves.  Obviously, they are too big.  And it’s stupid to go through the bother of returning them, when essentially I didn’t even really “pay” for them… what to do?!

Here’s another “what to do” situation.  Advice / opinions welcome!  I came to the conclusion that I need a new backpack, because not only is mine too small now that I’m going to have to start stuffing my sneakers in there along with a food container, but I also need one with a computer pocket so that my netbook doesn’t get all banged up.  Here is proof of my neurotic indecisiveness: I now have not one, not two, but six computer backpacks.  Two of them aren’t actually here yet, because I ordered them online from Target, but the other four, I got in Kmart this morning.  I got four because I couldn’t make up my mind.  Take a look at the photo and you will understand.


“Structurally” speaking, I like the one on the right the best.  But seriously?  The pattern of all those jumping people?  Yeah, not doing it for me.  And the one next to it is my second-favorite, but the color scheme is one I would have adored… when I was about twelve!  I just can’t see myself wearing something that blinding.  The second from the left is just too small, and I don’t like it; I think I knew that when I bought it, so I don’t know why I bought it, but whatever.  Based on this process of elimination, that means that unless one of the backpacks from Target meets all of my crazy criteria, I’m going to end up with the one on the left.  Because the backpacks from Target, you see, are actually black.

Snapple “Real Fact” #706: Steel is 100% recyclable.  I think it’s sort of funny that people are more likely to carry around steel a water bottle which is 100% recyclable and keep reusing it, but throw out a plastic bottle which is not 100% recyclable.  Then again, just because the Snapple cap says it, does not mean it is actually true…

Random J-ism for you: he randomly came over to my desk today and asked, “How are you?”  I said, “Fine.”  He started to laugh.  I said, “What?”  He said, “You’re smiling, so I’m smiling.”  A) I wasn’t smiling; and B) he wasn’t either, he was laughing like an idiot.  I said, “So if I cry, you’ll cry too?”  He said, “Maybe; don’t test me!”  OH-kay.

Wow, I am so disjointed… jumping around from topic to topic with no connections between any of them!  To continue that pattern, I met my friend for lunch today.  She told me that she’d had a sandwich for breakfast so she wasn’t going to get any food, but she would sit with me for the company.  I was positively horrified because, as I’m sure you can imagine, I did not take kindly to the idea of someone sitting and watching me eat… she did get food in the end, but I felt a little bit like a manipulative hypocrite, because don’t I tend to do that — go to a restaurant with people and not eat?!  (Though in my defense, I make that clear before we’re actually in the eating establishment.  Not that that makes it all better, or anything.)

Tomorrow is just going to be a total barrel of fun — I have both therapy and my nutritionist.  Whee.  Feels like a total lose-lose situation for me on all counts… my therapist apparently agrees with me when I say that it doesn’t matter what I do / don’t eat if I gain weight anyway; my nutritionist vehemently disagrees and will be displeased with me even if I gained five pounds in the past week, because I wasn’t 100% compliant.  Major sigh.  This probably goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway: I am so sick of this.  Presumably I’m not sick enough of it, because if I was, I would just get over myself already and “snap out of it” instead of letting myself feel so terrified about these stupid inane things… how many years of my life do I have to waste on this crap?!  And why is knowing that just not enough???

There just are no more words in me right now to express anything at all.  So with that, I hope you all have a lovely Thursday.


13 responses to “The List

  1. doing away with post cereals?wtf? i know how you feel in that ‘why can’t knowing it e enough’. i’m so frustrated with myself that i KNOW what i need to do. but i don’t do it. i continue to let myself float around in this mess like a turd.

  2. I hate it when something I am crazed about goes away….but then I find that something new replaces it….go figure! What new thing have you found lately?

    Also….thank you for sharing about your insurance woes…I think we all need to hear these stories…how can we help?

  3. Aw, stupid food companies discontinuing all your favourites! I hate it when that happens. And wow, your boss is insane, there’s no other explanation 😛
    I think the best explanation for why you can’t just ‘snap out of it’ is because eating disorders are illnesses, not bad habits. It’s hard to believe that sometimes with mental health problems because it’s you thinking and feeling and doing all those things, but that’s all part of it. People with depression often believe their just lazy, people with schizophrenia often believe they are the only person who knows the truth and their doctors are wrong, and people with eating disorders often beat themselves up because logically eating disorders are so wrong, but emotionally they are the only thing that feels right. That doesn’t mean you will never get better, but forcing it doesn’t work.
    I am giggling a bit at your bag photo, sorry! I am really indecisive too so I’m no help. Good luck with that!

  4. I just noticed a ‘their’ where I should have written a ‘they’re’. Unforgiveable! I hope you can still bring yourself to speak (write?) to me after that terrible typo 😛

  5. laurasworthlesswords

    Grrr, I hate it when companys stop making something you really like, I find it very frustrating then trying to find an alternative.Ive also been guilty of stocking my freezer with a product I know they are going to stop!

    Glad to hear you got your insurance sorted out 🙂

    As for the bags well I quite like the one on the left, the second from left is hard to see what its like because its all black, the coloured one your right is nice but maybe for a younger person and the one to the right looks nice so it would be a toss up between it or the one on the left. The one on the left looks like a good comprise though, its got a bit of colour but overall isnt in your face and it looks a nice shape. I m a terribly indecisive person as well.

    As Katie said its not just as easy as snapping out of it, all the best for tomorrow though, *hug*

  6. You know what I’m going to say, don’t you? How dare they discontiue Larabars for the UK market!? I am the worst panic buyer in the world and I too will eat something even if it’s way out of date…not that my Larabars will get the chance to reach that stage.

    There’s no need to be so hard on yourself ~ I feel your frustration, I truly do and am stuck in a similarly illogical mindset, but sometimes I wonder if the reactions of panic and stress are instictive or subconscious to the extent where they’ve become engrained, almost reflex reactions. No one wants to deal with all of the issues you have to go through, no one would choose to face an ED and all of the terrors that accompany it and it certainly isn’t as simple as ‘snapping out of it’. Give yourself some credit for how far you HAVE come: recognising the behaviors as destructive is something that many people never learn to do!

    Your boss really is a little strange…you’re so patient to put up with him every day! I’d go with the backpack on the far left, simply because it looks to be the most practical and black is my favourite colour anyway…the one second from the right is very ‘tweenage’ in pattern, and your comment about it made me smile : )

    Blasphemy! I like bananas so spotty that they’re almost black. I would have devoured that store’s entire stash of the wonderful fruit…underripe ones have too much ‘bite’ and hurt my tum. But each to their own ; )

    I don’t think you could write a trite comment if you tried: the one you left me was extremely insightful, so there!


  7. Haha, I was just talking to someone about how I like the “ugly” bananas and wanted Honeycombs today 🙂 Great minds think a like!

    Your boss sounds a bit crazy! I swear half of my job is understanding my advsiors (essentially by bosses)!

    I always obsess over backpacks to get for my computer and life…I just got this one:
    In El Rio Blue 🙂 Ohhhhh 🙂
    It has been worth EVERY penny. So much padding, it is awesome! And, I stuff so much stuff in it!

    Thanks for your support 🙂

  8. Hey, do you HAVE to go see the therapists and nutritionists? Seem like they are just giving you hell anyway. Do you actually find them HELPFUL?

    Anyway. What is dippity do gel? Sounds really fun! 😀

  9. Agh! I hate when stuff you love disappears off the shelves! It’s the worst.

    Re: the weight gloves and backpacks.
    I would definitely return the weight gloves. Doesn’t Amazon have a pretty easy return policy? I would do it, because then you have them for when you need them and won’t have to stress about it later, too. Plus, you won’t have a random pair of men’s gloves lying around.
    And definitely wait and see what the backpacks from Target end up being like–one could be exactly what you are looking for! Or, this past winter, I ended up bringing my computer in a backpack, and all my other stuff in a large purse. It was sort of goofy that I had two bags, but it didn’t really cramp my style, and I had all the things I wanted with me!
    Also try:

  10. PS–the second link has a build-your-own bag section. A bit on the pricey side, but you’ll get just what you want!

  11. Ohh, I second the timbuk 2 bags. I have a messenger back that I use fairly often–worth every penny! I really like it, just tend to over pack it!

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