Mild Hysteria

Verbal vomit must come first, before I fall asleep.  (For once, that actually has very little to do with the chronic exhaustion with which I have been plagued for the past couple of months!  See below.)

Today was my first day of classes.  I know I tend to do this — freak out over every little thing, be sure I’m going to totally crash and burn and wind up a complete disaster.  So far, I guess it hasn’t happened … yet.  I’m still terrified of it.  Anyway, I have two classes on Monday evenings, but the second one was canceled today.  This caused an additional problem; I’ll get to that in a minute.

First things first.  This class is a core requirement; it is my last core, and I am not at all interested in it.  It’s very heavily technological; I, obviously, am a technodummy.  I am having a minor panic attack over that, even though the professor says that she isn’t strict on grading and most people get an A anyway.  Speaking of the professor — she seems to be sweet, but she is also Asian.  I am totally not prejudiced in any way toward people of other nationalities or whatever, but she just moved here a couple of years ago, and she has a very heavy accent.  It is extremely difficult to understand her.  (I spent ten minutes trying to figure out why she was talking about virgins before I realized she was saying version.  Yow.)  And apparently, the end of class time is somewhat ambiguous to her, because ten minutes after we were supposed to have left… we were still sitting there.  Which brings me to the second issue.

I’ve mentioned this before: I have major issues with eating “late.”  In theory, I know that it would make no difference if I ate half an hour later one day, or whatever, and I might have the best of intentions to go about such a situation in a sane and reasonable manner… but when the situation actually comes to pass?  Well.  Can you spell “a-n-x-i-e-t-y”?!  So here I am, practically hyperventilating because I’d decided that I was going to attempt to act like a semi-normal person and go home for dinner, even if it would be a little later than I am used to… and she’s still keeping us in class!  Tick.  Tock.  Tick.  Tock.  Then the train was late, of course.  And as I’m on the train, which was chugging along at a snail’s pace, it was nearly an hour after I’d normally have eaten dinner, and I was going out of my mind — even with trying to tell myself to stop being so ridiculous.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I got myself re-acquainted with my old friend Mr. O. Kay (AKA, Klonopin)… I think I am in love.  I have a PRN for it for just such occasions, but since I generally don’t like medication, I haven’t used it in quite a while.  That, and because it makes me impossibly sleepy.  But — and I’m sure this is partly in my head — it did calm me down some.  Which in itself was kind of freaky… because I know that in such a situation I’d be semi-hysterical, and here I am, just watching sort of dispassionately… like I’m looking at someone else.  Preferable to hysteria, though, I guess.

Speaking of which… lately I’ve been wondering if I’m sort of a reverse neurological being.  (That isn’t the right phraseology at all, but blame it on the drugs.)  I know that malnutrition is supposed to wreak a bunch of havoc on people’s hormones and brain chemicals and all, and so being underweight supposedly equals depression.  Apparently, with me, it doesn’t work quite that way!  I’m never “happy-go-lucky,” but I never was.  I’m either sarcastically cynical (this is me in a “good mood”), or in a suicidal-ideating depression (this is me in a “bad mood”).  The former seems to come with weight loss; the latter, with weight gain.  And the disturbing thing about this is that I’m not weighing myself, so I don’t know whether I’ve lost or gained; it’s not like the ED part of my brain can revel in a loss, because I don’t know about it.  But this apparently innate tendency makes me distrust a “good mood” … I mean, yeah, so for a few days I haven’t felt like the world is going to end (or that I’d love for it to do that!) — but in the past, that actually didn’t turn out too well for me in the long run.  Does this mean that I’m doomed to forever be in a “bad mood”?!  What a cheerful prospect!!

Apparently, I have a tendency to ramble when I’m tired.  Sorry about that.  Moving on.

All neatly packed up last night, before it got banged around in transit:

IMG_0281

(Romaine, black beans, raw corn, and carrot chips for crunch!)

Post-transport mess… I really hate it when that happens!!  Sigh.

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BTW, Elise, I really owe you — I am loving raw corn!!

I’m meeting my friend for lunch tomorrow, and I’m actually a little bit annoyed about it because I was getting so excited about the prospect of finally getting into bringing my own… since there were so many things I wanted to try, but I rarely eat at home!!  And on Wednesday I won’t be able to bring my own lunch either, because we have this mind-numbingly boring departmental meeting.  All day.  They provide the food… and let me just say that it is not even remotely close to what I’d consider “safe.”  Not looking forward to that one… Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just be freaking normal!!

Two things: the waffles in my last post were not green!  They were plain whole wheat waffles.  Apparently my brother’s camera and I aren’t getting along quite as well as I’d hoped.  Hmph.

And I want to live here.

That’s all for now.  I’m off to panic some more.  Why oh why oh why did I decide to pursue higher education?!?!

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

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5 responses to “Mild Hysteria

  1. I don’t think it’s odd at all that you feel that your mood is better when you’re losing weight – whatever the medical profession say, the majority of us seem to believe this. That’s got to be the number one reason I hung on to the anorexia for so long – because not eating made me calm and numb and alleviated the depression/anxiety I’ve been suffering from for most of my life. It didn’t make me happy exactly, but it did make me not-suicidal, which was a big step up from before.
    Buuut that doesn’t mean that anorexia is the one and only answer. It might work on a short term basis but so do drugs, alcohol and self harm – that’s how people end up with these illnesses to start off with. Trying to combat one mental health problem with another one generally leads to a bit of a mess. In my case, although my mood has gotten more unstable since I’ve gained weight, I am going to stick with it because if I panic now I’ll never know if it would get better as my hormones settle down again, and in any case, now I’m healthy I have a much better chance of being able to deal with the depression and anxiety in therapy. When people are very underweight therapy doesn’t tend to help much, and in any case all the focus is on the eating disorder rather than solving the underlying problems.
    I hope today is less anxiety-provoking for you! Situations like that still get me into a bit of a state too ❤

  2. I don’t think it’s uncommong to feel better losing weight/worse gaining. In fact, I think that’s probably exactly what keeps people from recovery. Because it feels crappy. I DO want to ask- when you have been at a healthy weight and maintaining it in a healthy way, how long did you do it for? Because the “feel good” factor takes a while to kick in and there is a long period where you are ina kind of limbo. Also want to say that recovery/weight gain doesn’t mean happiness. It means less numb so you feel all sorts of things- the good, the bad, etc. Except that it’s less likely to be caused by things like dinner being later or anxiety over a work catered lunch, you know?..

  3. Lower weight=perception of a better mood due to a sense of control, at least for me…it’s like if weight is under control then it’s one ‘certainty’ and no matter what else is going on in life, it doesn’t matter because that one certainty is there. Once that’s gone, the other anxieties relating to life become overwhelming because I don’t feel ‘grounded’ if that makes any remote amount of sense. I dig the cynical sarcasm though…I think it’s as close to a ‘good’ mood as I get too…manic episodes aside.

    Would that be the Disney castle? If it is then can I come over for dinner one night once you’ve moved in ; )

    I have similar fears to you in relation to Postgrad education ~ my classes are in the evening and will totally mess up my eating schedule, but I’m just trying to roll with it…although I could have written that last sentence in your post right now.

    In your case at least, you chose to pursue the path you have because you’re too bright not to: it would be such a shame to waste your talents and intellect.

  4. “Does this mean that I’m doomed to forever be in a ‘bad mood’?!”

    I completely agree with insideiamdancing. If your experience is anything like mine, the answer is a resounding “No!” During my recovery, I remember having the same fears as you – it seemed like the more physically healthy I became, the more depressed I became (to the point of being hospitalized several times). The years of my recovery were far, far worse than the years I was anorexic. The good news is (yes, there is good news!) the depression didn’t persist eternally. Once I achieved full recovery (and presumably, my brain chemistry had time to normalize at a healthy weight), I came out of the depression and was (gasp!) happy …and by “happy,” I mean a true happiness, not the fake “happiness”* I experienced while I was anorexic.

    So…my bet is that it’s far too early in your recovery to come to the conclusion that you’re doomed to forever be in a bad mood.

    Elizabeth

    *When I was anorexic, the starvation completely numbed my emotions. If “happiness” is defined as “the absence of sadness” then I was happy …but it was an empty happiness …an empty life.

  5. ahh!!! i’m so sorry. i hate anxiety. especially when it comes on so strong that you literally are just freakin out. breathe girl. nothing lasts forever and when it comes to anxiety that is a very good thing. lol. you are strong and things will eventually fall into place. i think i would like to live there too, may i come with you ? 🙂

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