Verbal vomit must come first, before I fall asleep. (For once, that actually has very little to do with the chronic exhaustion with which I have been plagued for the past couple of months! See below.)
Today was my first day of classes. I know I tend to do this — freak out over every little thing, be sure I’m going to totally crash and burn and wind up a complete disaster. So far, I guess it hasn’t happened … yet. I’m still terrified of it. Anyway, I have two classes on Monday evenings, but the second one was canceled today. This caused an additional problem; I’ll get to that in a minute.
First things first. This class is a core requirement; it is my last core, and I am not at all interested in it. It’s very heavily technological; I, obviously, am a technodummy. I am having a minor panic attack over that, even though the professor says that she isn’t strict on grading and most people get an A anyway. Speaking of the professor — she seems to be sweet, but she is also Asian. I am totally not prejudiced in any way toward people of other nationalities or whatever, but she just moved here a couple of years ago, and she has a very heavy accent. It is extremely difficult to understand her. (I spent ten minutes trying to figure out why she was talking about virgins before I realized she was saying version. Yow.) And apparently, the end of class time is somewhat ambiguous to her, because ten minutes after we were supposed to have left… we were still sitting there. Which brings me to the second issue.
I’ve mentioned this before: I have major issues with eating “late.” In theory, I know that it would make no difference if I ate half an hour later one day, or whatever, and I might have the best of intentions to go about such a situation in a sane and reasonable manner… but when the situation actually comes to pass? Well. Can you spell “a-n-x-i-e-t-y”?! So here I am, practically hyperventilating because I’d decided that I was going to attempt to act like a semi-normal person and go home for dinner, even if it would be a little later than I am used to… and she’s still keeping us in class! Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Then the train was late, of course. And as I’m on the train, which was chugging along at a snail’s pace, it was nearly an hour after I’d normally have eaten dinner, and I was going out of my mind — even with trying to tell myself to stop being so ridiculous. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I got myself re-acquainted with my old friend Mr. O. Kay (AKA, Klonopin)… I think I am in love. I have a PRN for it for just such occasions, but since I generally don’t like medication, I haven’t used it in quite a while. That, and because it makes me impossibly sleepy. But — and I’m sure this is partly in my head — it did calm me down some. Which in itself was kind of freaky… because I know that in such a situation I’d be semi-hysterical, and here I am, just watching sort of dispassionately… like I’m looking at someone else. Preferable to hysteria, though, I guess.
Speaking of which… lately I’ve been wondering if I’m sort of a reverse neurological being. (That isn’t the right phraseology at all, but blame it on the drugs.) I know that malnutrition is supposed to wreak a bunch of havoc on people’s hormones and brain chemicals and all, and so being underweight supposedly equals depression. Apparently, with me, it doesn’t work quite that way! I’m never “happy-go-lucky,” but I never was. I’m either sarcastically cynical (this is me in a “good mood”), or in a suicidal-ideating depression (this is me in a “bad mood”). The former seems to come with weight loss; the latter, with weight gain. And the disturbing thing about this is that I’m not weighing myself, so I don’t know whether I’ve lost or gained; it’s not like the ED part of my brain can revel in a loss, because I don’t know about it. But this apparently innate tendency makes me distrust a “good mood” … I mean, yeah, so for a few days I haven’t felt like the world is going to end (or that I’d love for it to do that!) — but in the past, that actually didn’t turn out too well for me in the long run. Does this mean that I’m doomed to forever be in a “bad mood”?! What a cheerful prospect!!
Apparently, I have a tendency to ramble when I’m tired. Sorry about that. Moving on.
All neatly packed up last night, before it got banged around in transit:
(Romaine, black beans, raw corn, and carrot chips for crunch!)
Post-transport mess… I really hate it when that happens!! Sigh.
BTW, Elise, I really owe you — I am loving raw corn!!
I’m meeting my friend for lunch tomorrow, and I’m actually a little bit annoyed about it because I was getting so excited about the prospect of finally getting into bringing my own… since there were so many things I wanted to try, but I rarely eat at home!! And on Wednesday I won’t be able to bring my own lunch either, because we have this mind-numbingly boring departmental meeting. All day. They provide the food… and let me just say that it is not even remotely close to what I’d consider “safe.” Not looking forward to that one… Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just be freaking normal!!
Two things: the waffles in my last post were not green! They were plain whole wheat waffles. Apparently my brother’s camera and I aren’t getting along quite as well as I’d hoped. Hmph.
And I want to live here.
That’s all for now. I’m off to panic some more. Why oh why oh why did I decide to pursue higher education?!?!
Have a wonderful Tuesday!