This lovely cow, attitude and all, is a pretty accurate self-portrait. Verbal vomit comes first today, partly to get it out of the way and partly because I need to get something off me. Warning: self-vilification ahead, so if that kind of thing gets on your nerves, just skip ahead to the illustrations. I should be done by then. (No guarantees.)
Monday = weigh day. Weigh day = ew. Ew = me. (Following my train of thought?… me neither.) Seriously, though, I do not need to be gaining any more weight. Really. Enough is enough. My “team” can promise until they are blue in the face that they “won’t let” me get over X, but apparently this revolting body has got ideas of its own that don’t align with said promises. So nice to know that I was absolutely justified in freaking out over my “underactive thyroid,” as I seem to have no metabolism of which to speak. So… yeah. I am repulsed by my own sloth and laziness because I’m not doing anything about the fact that I’m not-so-slowly taking on the distinct appearance of an inflating beach ball. I’m half-expecting some rude individual to come up to me and ask me when my baby is due!! And since I am so. freaking. lazy, it’s just all going to contribute to the not-insignificant coffers that are my fat deposits. Like I need more of that!!! There really are no words to describe just how … vile this all is to me. See, I was wrong all this time. I thought I could control things, but I can’t control anything at all. If this monstrous atrocity (I think it’s generally known as a “body”) feels like gaining weight, it will, and there is not a single damn thing I can do about it. Except hate it, but who cares about that? It makes no difference. “It will slow down,” my (big fat) ass… I always was contrary, so of course not only would it not slow down, but it speeds up! Great. Just lovely. I have to point out that this isn’t doing such wonderful things in terms of helping me to build a healthy relationship with food. Just sayin’.
This particular section of verbal vomit ends here. On the blog, anyway.
Back to today.
This was my first time trying Puffins… of course I added cinnamon anyway!! They reminded me a bit of Kashi Honey Sunshine, but I think that’s just because of the “pillow” shape. And because it was very dry eaten straight out of the box… but with soy milk added, I quite liked it. Of course, it’s hard for me to find a cereal that I actively dislike, but whatever.
Today was the day that my mom came to the city and “took me out” for lunch… she basically insisted that I get a large salad, whereas I normally get a small one (personally, I believe that the only difference is the container, and that both sizes have the same amount of lettuce in them)… and, well, this just made me a little uncomfortable.
The peppers were SUPPOSED to be red. Would have added some much-needed color. Anyway. This was absolutely enormous, and it took an obscenely long time to eat. Blah. But we didn’t kill each other, and I don’t believe we had a single argument, so I guess that can be counted as “progress.”
It’s a long-winded boring story which I will spare you all, but I did get this T-shirt today:
It was probably a bad idea for me to try it on when I got back from my doctor’s office, but I tend to do stupid things like that. I. Was. Horrified. I mean, I can tell that it technically “fits” because it’s not like it’s pulling at the seams or anything; I was just appalled by exactly how fat I looked. Note to self: do not try on clothes in that frame of mind. No help needed in the “beating yourself up” category. That’s one thing that I do absolutely fine with on my own, thank you very much!
But speaking of clothes… I got my credit card bill today with the Victoria’s Secret charge on it. I haven’t yet gotten my package!! (Tomorrow, supposedly. Hmph.) I generally like to pay my credit card bill right away, but I am not paying this until I actually have something to show for it.
Oh, and I didn’t forget, I just didn’t know where on earth to insert this!! Thank you so much for all of the well wishes and sweet comments on my last post — they must have reached some higher authority, because I only have a niggling residual migraine, and sometimes the aftermath can be almost as bad as the migraine itself, so I am considering myself lucky. Hmm… I wonder whether acupuncture can do something about migraines, too? … I called the clinic today, and the person with whom I need to speak wasn’t in, so she is supposedly going to call me back tomorrow. I really want to get an appointment for before I leave, because it would suck to go on vacation while semi-incapacitated… though my wrist does feel a lot better than it did at the end of last week, so I can consider myself lucky there too. Two down, one to go — now if only I could do something about this exhaustion!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand, I lied. Another little spurt of verbal vomit up ahead. So I am going on vacation next week. Now, I can’t wear incredibly revealing clothes, so this shouldn’t be a concern for me. (As a matter of fact, when I was in Aruba, someone asked me if I was allergic to the sun because I was always covered up! As opposed to everyone else who was parading around in swimsuits all day, I guess. I didn’t feel like explaining that it was a religious thing, so I just said that I have very sensitive skin. Which is actually true, but anyway…) However. I am going on said vacation with the particular intention of going diving. Meaning that I am going to be wearing a swimsuit. And I am going to have to squeeze myself into a skintight wetsuit. Once I’m in the water I tend to stop thinking about it much, but getting to that point… oh, I could just cry!! Well, I can’t cry, which is a problem unto itself, but if I could, I certainly would. It actually sounds rather attractive an option right about now…
I really, really wanted to be sort of “normal” with respect to food / weight / body image / eating by the time my birthday rolled around. Apparently that isn’t going to happen. Sucks to be me. (I did, however, manage to get baseball tickets, almost directly behind home plate, and I didn’t spend as much as I thought I would, so yay!)
Quick random question that I must ask of the blogworld… should I “invest” in a julienne peeler?? (Ha, I make it sound like I’m buying a million-dollar house instead of a ten-dollar peeler… ;))
Have a lovely Tuesday!