This lovely cow, attitude and all, is a pretty accurate self-portrait.  Verbal vomit comes first today, partly to get it out of the way and partly because I need to get something off me.  Warning: self-vilification ahead, so if that kind of thing gets on your nerves, just skip ahead to the illustrations.  I should be done by then.  (No guarantees.)

Monday = weigh day.  Weigh day = ewEw = me.  (Following my train of thought?… me neither.)  Seriously, though, I do not need to be gaining any more weight.  Really.  Enough is enough.  My “team” can promise until they are blue in the face that they “won’t let” me get over X, but apparently this revolting body has got ideas of its own that don’t align with said promises.  So nice to know that I was absolutely justified in freaking out over my “underactive thyroid,” as I seem to have no metabolism of which to speak.  So… yeah.  I am repulsed by my own sloth and laziness because I’m not doing anything about the fact that I’m not-so-slowly taking on the distinct appearance of an inflating beach ball.  I’m half-expecting some rude individual to come up to me and ask me when my baby is due!!  And since I am so. freaking. lazy, it’s just all going to contribute to the not-insignificant coffers that are my fat deposits.  Like I need more of that!!!  There really are no words to describe just how … vile this all is to me.  See, I was wrong all this time.  I thought I could control things, but I can’t control anything at all.  If this monstrous atrocity (I think it’s generally known as a “body”) feels like gaining weight, it will, and there is not a single damn thing I can do about it.  Except hate it, but who cares about that?  It makes no difference.  “It will slow down,” my (big fat) ass… I always was contrary, so of course not only would it not slow down, but it speeds up!  Great.  Just lovely.  I have to point out that this isn’t doing such wonderful things in terms of helping me to build a healthy relationship with food.  Just sayin’.

This particular section of verbal vomit ends here.  On the blog, anyway.

Back to today.

puffins, banana

puffins, banana

This was my first time trying Puffins… of course I added cinnamon anyway!!  They reminded me a bit of Kashi Honey Sunshine, but I think that’s just because of the “pillow” shape.  And because it was very dry eaten straight out of the box… but with soy milk added, I quite liked it.  Of course, it’s hard for me to find a cereal that I actively dislike, but whatever.

Today was the day that my mom came to the city and “took me out” for lunch… she basically insisted that I get a large salad, whereas I normally get a small one (personally, I believe that the only difference is the container, and that both sizes have the same amount of lettuce in them)… and, well, this just made me a little uncomfortable.

romaine, ginger-grilled tofu, peppers, cucumbers, mushrooms, sprouts, string beans, croutons, balsamic vinegar

romaine, ginger-grilled tofu, peppers, cucumbers, mushrooms, sprouts, string beans, croutons, balsamic vinegar

The peppers were SUPPOSED to be red.  Would have added some much-needed color.  Anyway.  This was absolutely enormous, and it took an obscenely long time to eat.  Blah.  But we didn’t kill each other, and I don’t believe we had a single argument, so I guess that can be counted as “progress.”

It’s a long-winded boring story which I will spare you all, but I did get this T-shirt today:


It was probably a bad idea for me to try it on when I got back from my doctor’s office, but I tend to do stupid things like that.  I.  Was.  Horrified.  I mean, I can tell that it technically “fits” because it’s not like it’s pulling at the seams or anything; I was just appalled by exactly how fat I looked.  Note to self: do not try on clothes in that frame of mind.  No help needed in the “beating yourself up” category.  That’s one thing that I do absolutely fine with on my own, thank you very much!

But speaking of clothes… I got my credit card bill today with the Victoria’s Secret charge on it.  I haven’t yet gotten my package!!  (Tomorrow, supposedly.  Hmph.)  I generally like to pay my credit card bill right away, but I am not paying this until I actually have something to show for it.

Oh, and I didn’t forget, I just didn’t know where on earth to insert this!!  Thank you so much for all of the well wishes and sweet comments on my last post — they must have reached some higher authority, because I only have a niggling residual migraine, and sometimes the aftermath can be almost as bad as the migraine itself, so I am considering myself lucky.  Hmm… I wonder whether acupuncture can do something about migraines, too? … I called the clinic today, and the person with whom I need to speak wasn’t in, so she is supposedly going to call me back tomorrow.  I really want to get an appointment for before I leave, because it would suck to go on vacation while semi-incapacitated… though my wrist does feel a lot better than it did at the end of last week, so I can consider myself lucky there too.  Two down, one to go — now if only I could do something about this exhaustion!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand, I lied.  Another little spurt of verbal vomit up ahead.  So I am going on vacation next week.  Now, I can’t wear incredibly revealing clothes, so this shouldn’t be a concern for me.  (As a matter of fact, when I was in Aruba, someone asked me if I was allergic to the sun because I was always covered up!  As opposed to everyone else who was parading around in swimsuits all day, I guess.  I didn’t feel like explaining that it was a religious thing, so I just said that I have very sensitive skin.  Which is actually true, but anyway…)  However.  I am going on said vacation with the particular intention of going diving.  Meaning that I am going to be wearing a swimsuit.  And I am going to have to squeeze myself into a skintight wetsuit.  Once I’m in the water I tend to stop thinking about it much, but getting to that point… oh, I could just cry!!  Well, I can’t cry, which is a problem unto itself, but if I could, I certainly would.  It actually sounds rather attractive an option right about now…

I really, really wanted to be sort of “normal” with respect to food / weight / body image / eating by the time my birthday rolled around.  Apparently that isn’t going to happen.  Sucks to be me.  (I did, however, manage to get baseball tickets, almost directly behind home plate, and I didn’t spend as much as I thought I would, so yay!)

Quick random question that I must ask of the blogworld… should I “invest” in a julienne peeler??  (Ha, I make it sound like I’m buying a million-dollar house instead of a ten-dollar peeler… ;))

Have a lovely Tuesday!


13 responses to “Moo.

  1. uuhhggg….i hate when i feel like that. which of course, most the time i do. but i really do hope it will pass or ease up for you. i wish i had better advice. as for the peeler, i don’t have one and i don’t miss it. but i’m sure if i did have one i would use it all the time. lol. so if it’s 10 bucks, go for it.

  2. I feel fat almost every day 😦 I still really haven’t overcome that aspect of my eating disorder yet. I’ll buy a new shit, put it n when I get home, and look in the mirror and immediately think “what the hell?!!” I think I look soo fat in it and usually end up returning it. I really want to try the puffin cereal, but I can never find it anywhere 😦 have a great night xoxoxoxo

  3. Underactive thyroids are really, really easy to treat ❤ and if you seem to be gaining weight quicker than you were told you should be, that's probably why. It's not your fault, not a sign of laziness or lack of willpower, and you certainly won't just keep gaining weight forever once it's sorted out. Underactive thyroids can also cause chronic tiredness and depression, so meds could make a huge difference to how you feel. It does suck, and I'm sorry ❤ I hope you get to talk to your doctor about it soon.

  4. You are way overreacting girl! Snap out of it! I would doubt more than anything that you are getting “fat” (if there is such a thing) and that you are looking like a “beach ball”. We all have hard days, but it hurts to see you thinking of your weigh-in in such a way. You KNOW better ! stop it!

    I certainly hope your Tuesday turns out brighter and you realize what a beautiful, talented, and blessed young woman you are!


  5. Though the dancing cow at the top of the page is quite amusing, the rest of this post is desperately sad. This is going to sound utterly hypocritcal coming from me but whatever weight you did gain does NOT look as terrible on you as you believe it to. From your pics your stomach looks washboard flat and you’re so delicate, with such a small frame…you bear about as much resemblence to that cow as a mouse does to an elephant. At the same time, I’m not going to spout a load of crap about gaining weight being some beautiful experience because it’s not. It’s the most horrible thing I can think of short of torture, and I feel exactly the same way you do about it (only difference is I don’t need to, medically and aesthetically!) I know how it is to hate your body: when I was underweight the same damn thing happened to me…no hypermetabolism for me! It’s so much easier for those who recover and gain on a high level of calories to form a ‘normal’ relationship with food because they don’t have to worry about ballooning: their bodies simply won’t do it. Trust is mutual, and I know that it seems like your body is abusing your trust and manifesting all of your worst fears. It might seem disgusting to you, but I doubt it looks that way to anyone else. You’re NOT lazy: honestly, you tried to drag yourself to the gym with a migraine!

    We should form a self-deprication Olympics, seriously.

    Shouldn’t your medical team be giving you more help and support with this? You might need a low dose of thyroxine: underactive thyroids can cause serious health complications, along with the demoralizing effect of gaining weight…it’s shocking how unhelpful they seem to be. I hope they can sort things out for you: no way in Hell should this be allowed to spoil your hard-earned vacation.

    Glad you had a reasonable time with your Mum : )

  6. “and there is not a single damn thing I can do about it. Except hate it,”
    Back it up for a minute girlie. There is plenty more you can do besides hate it. You can appreciate and respect and nurture your body. Yes, you still might not like it, but at least you’ll be healthy and sound.

    I’m glad your lunch date with your momma went at least fairly well. I always hate going out to eat with my family, because it feels like they become even more anxious about what I’m choosing while there, but if I had the same thing at home, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal. Not killing one another is progress in my book. ;]

    Trying on clothes while in already in a self-critical mood can make you feel even worse, and often does. I’m sorry your weigh-day was a damper throughout.

    But yeah! You’re migraine is nearly gone. I’m so glad to hear it. :]

    Oh I wish I had some advice for the vacation dilemma. But, covering up all the time is my forte, unfortunately. Bulky sweatshirts, my dad’s t-shirts, obnoxiously large jeans… and the infamous dress-lengthed tee for swimming in.
    I really don’t know how to help here. Ack, sorry for being of so much help! ;]
    Don’t let that one thing ruin your vacation though. You deserve to have a good time and your body image should have to respect that. ;]

    It is never a good idea to set a goal date for yourself for something so incredibly unpredictable as being fully recovered from distorted thinking and food issues. It will come when it comes. As long as you keeping working toward that goal, it will come.

  7. Oh L, I’m so sorry you’re not feeling great about yourself. I hope you can find a way to pamper yourself in a way that has nothing to do with food or clothing… a manicure, perhaps?

    Hang in there 🙂

  8. <3333
    I understand numbers make our heads run in crazy circles, and I think that's where my heads at after my little run-in at the doctor's office the other day as well. Usually that little beast pokes around and roars at me for a few days and then gets tired of making me feel like crap and chills out. Hang on, those negative thoughts will hopefully dissipate soon.
    As for the peeler, I say go for it! Sounds like there's new and exciting recipes behind that little tool 😛
    I hope today is a better day 🙂
    ❤ Jenn

  9. adventuresofrecovergirl

    I honestly think the internet hates me as my comments fail to post. GAH
    Anyway, I’m so sorry that little negative nancy is playing games with your head. I feel ya, as I had a little run in with numbers at the doctor’s office this week as well (so.lame.checkmychart.ass…) Just hang in there, because hopefully that little negative voice will dissipate in a few days. I feel the strongest urge to just throw in the towel after days like that but the ED voice tends to get tired after a while. If not tell him to f- a duck 🙂
    As for the peeler, go for it! Sounds like fun new recipes are in store with that guy 😛
    I hope today is a better day
    ❤ Jenn

  10. I’m sorry you are feeling so down. Try to keep your chin up, I guess. For me, just getting stuff off my chest with a good rant is always a big step–actually saying that something has bothered/annoyed/upset me makes me step back, look at the situation, and figure out how to do something about it that makes me feel more satisfied. I hope your rant got some of your bad feelings out and you can move on.

    In the meantime, treat yourself to something fun. Go to the movies, get a pedicure, look up fun things to do on your vacation (maybe pick a cool splurge while you’re there!), or just go on a relaxing walk with some music. Hang in there, dearie doodle!

  11. Oh dear. I’m sorry you are feeling so crappy. Weight gain is ALWAYS hard, and it’s awkward and uncomfortable and sometimes you just feel like peeling right off your skin, don’t you? I can totally relate.

    But honestly, here’s the fact: From your pictures, you look a lot like me. And I KNOW I need to gain a lot more weight. So really, you COULD do with a bit more weight, and you’ll look even more fabulous. You’ll rock in that bathing suit. And here’s another fact: clothes are SUPPOSED to FIT! They’re not supposed to hang off you like a sack. They’re supposed to be snug, showing off your curves.

    It’s hard to get rid of this mentality, but you NEED to fight. You NEED to get rid of it, or else it will infect every single aspect of your life. Right now it is already infecting your attitude towards the coming vacation. Vacation is supposed to be fun, relaxing, but ED is robbing you of that. Just because of a small, minor, trivial thing that no one cares about but you! It’s time to put a stop to this, isn’t it? Come on, I know you can do more, you can achieve more, you can enjoy more, you can BE more.

    Go forth and get back everything ED stole from you, my friend!

  12. hey girl–
    ok… i can totally relate to the whole ‘feeling like a fat cow’ thing– i know how hard it is– its a hopeless feeling– but the truth is– you and i know– that you are NOWHERE near ‘fat’– and like sophia said– CLOTHES ARE SUPPOSED TO FIT– not HANG off !!!!!!!!!!!!

    i wish there was something i could say/do that would help take this feeling away fand make it better– but sometimes we just have to sit through the feelings– as hard as they are– and have faith that we will become stronger because of it.

    i know that the vacation is probably causing you a little stress right now– but just remember to live in the moment– just take each day and each event as it comes– do NOT let ED get in your way ( i know its easier said than done– but its POSSIBLE)… just remember to think with YOUR mind and not ED’s– your body NEEDS proper fuel, you are NOT anywhere NEAR fat– you eat HEALTHY– you want HEALTH!

    you got this girl– please message me if i can help in any way xoxoxox

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