Warning: if you’re extremely queasy, don’t look at this! 😉
Yes, folks, that is what you see… blood! I am kind of relieved, because if there had been a repeat of Monday, I don’t know what I would have done!! We used a rubber band instead of a tourniquet because he didn’t want to run back down to his car again, having just done so to get the cup, which my doctor apparently doesn’t provide along with the needles and tubes. Ah well. I went right over to bring this to my doctor’s office, and the secretary said, “Oh, yummy food!” Um… are you a vampire?! She didn’t know what to do with it (different secretary than was there last time I was), so she went back to ask the nurse, and I heard her saying that there was a lady out front with a bunch of blood. Which I thought was a very amusing description, but I am easily amused, as previously established! Anyway, I’m glad that this is taken care of… I just hope it actually has some answers for me when the results come in!! And see, it only took one try this time…
Seriously, just look at my veins… they’re a phlebotomist’s dream!! I have no idea what happened on Monday, I really don’t. Moving on…
Thanks for all the feedback on my last post. I guess I do have to accept that in this sick society, where the skinnier you are, the more people envy you, it shouldn’t surprise me that people would think they’re issuing a compliment. The thing is? I don’t think it’s a compliment! As it is, right now it’s just confusing me, because I know I’m underweight, and even if they don’t (or maybe because they don’t), apparently I look fine to them, which translates to if I gain weight I will be fat. Therefore, since my head is already quite messed up enough, thank you, I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just keep their opinions regarding other people’s weight / body type to themselves. Now that we’ve established that…
Some babydoll love to share… I never did manage to find a shirt to wear under this one that looks quite the way I want it to… oh well. Keep looking, I guess.
I’ve said before that I think I like Jocalat better than the regular Larabars, so I don’t know why I have a whole stockpile of them and yet I haven’t eaten one in forever… so this came along to work with me today.
With the exception of an inexplicably huge chunk of walnut right in the middle of it, since I don’t like walnuts, I couldn’t help but wonder why I haven’t had one of these in so long! I think a lot of times these — as well as Larabars — can be hit-or-miss… if they haven’t been stored under just the right conditions, they have a tendency to “turn.” Very odd. But I got lucky this time!
And, of course, the usual Hugh Jass came for a visit… though if I may point this out, it’s Wednesday, not Thursday. Bucking convention. Woo. :p
romaine, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, veggie protein link, barbecue sauce, barbecue salad croutons
…So I just took a somewhat lengthy break from composing this post because my nutritionist called me, which means that I am going to insert some highly annoying verbal vomit here. To make a long story short, I apparently retain fluid in the summer, since the same thing seems to have happened last year. Either that or my doctor has a wonky scale. Whatever the case may be, I am fatter bigger heavier not able to find the right word to use, but whatever that word is, I am it than I have been in years. And I am not okay with it. At all. Even just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I can find a thousand different ways to describe how horrified and disgusted this makes me feel, but what I can’t do is find the words to describe why. I mean, I guess I can pinpoint some contributing factors… like, I got so used to hating food in general, that allowing myself to admit that maybe I don’t hate everything edible just makes it worse when we make tweaks in a meal plan, because I am an absolute disaster with indecision. Also not helping: I guess I’m eating a pretty normal amount of calories, but that would be for an “average person,” which means that if my body is so in need of it, I should require more than that to gain. Apparently, I don’t. So according to this, unless I want to keep gaining and gaining into the next millennium (three guesses as to what the correct answer to that particular question might be), I’d end up on a “restrictive” diet by default. What the hell is the point in “allowing” yourself food if you can only have it if you accept the fact that that means gaining even if / when you’re not supposed to be?! …Also freaking me out: I haven’t ever mentioned this on my blog, I don’t think, because it hasn’t been an issue for me in a long while, but around the time that I was developing an ED, I also started to deliberately self-harm. (I think I had done it for years before that, but unconsciously.) Over time it developed into a sort of pattern in which that was interchangeable with the ED — if I was losing weight, I was fine without it, and if it ever crossed my mind, it was fleeting. I think that might be one of the reasons why I am so resistant to gaining weight; in my mind, doing that means falling back on other self-destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism, and I guess it’s probably because it’s more “socially acceptable” to be underweight than to cut yourself that I would rather be underweight! I don’t even like to talk about it. I mentioned it once to my therapist, in passing, and it was quite a while ago, so for all I know she doesn’t even remember it. All I do know right now is that I am feeling so far from okay with everything that it is not even remotely funny, but it’s all a big jumble in my head and I can’t even begin to sort through it. And tomorrow would be the day that I see my therapist, but she’s away this week. How’s that for perfect timing??
I’m sorry that I’m being so bipolar in this post, it seems like I’m just so “all over the place” … which is, I guess, a pretty accurate reflection of how I feel right now!! Just to end on a not-completely-depressing-note, here are some random pretty things I came across today. What are some of the beautiful things in life that you easily overlook every day?
Have a great Thursday!