Take Two: Success!

 Warning: if you’re extremely queasy, don’t look at this! 😉IMG_0096

Yes, folks, that is what you see… blood!  I am kind of relieved, because if there had been a repeat of Monday, I don’t know what I would have done!!  We used a rubber band instead of a tourniquet because he didn’t want to run back down to his car again, having just done so to get the cup, which my doctor apparently doesn’t provide along with the needles and tubes.  Ah well.  I went right over to bring this to my doctor’s office, and the secretary said, “Oh, yummy food!”  Um… are you a vampire?!  She didn’t know what to do with it (different secretary than was there last time I was), so she went back to ask the nurse, and I heard her saying that there was a lady out front with a bunch of blood.  Which I thought was a very amusing description, but I am easily amused, as previously established!  Anyway, I’m glad that this is taken care of… I just hope it actually has some answers for me when the results come in!!  And see, it only took one try this time…

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Seriously, just look at my veins… they’re a phlebotomist’s dream!!  I have no idea what happened on Monday, I really don’t.  Moving on…

Thanks for all the feedback on my last post.  I guess I do have to accept that in this sick society, where the skinnier you are, the more people envy you, it shouldn’t surprise me that people would think they’re issuing a compliment.  The thing is?  I don’t think it’s a compliment!  As it is, right now it’s just confusing me, because I know I’m underweight, and even if they don’t (or maybe because they don’t), apparently I look fine to them, which translates to if I gain weight I will be fat.  Therefore, since my head is already quite messed up enough, thank you, I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just keep their opinions regarding other people’s weight / body type to themselves.  Now that we’ve established that…

Some babydoll love to share… I never did manage to find a shirt to wear under this one that looks quite the way I want it to… oh well.  Keep looking, I guess.

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I’ve said before that I think I like Jocalat better than the regular Larabars, so I don’t know why I have a whole stockpile of them and yet I haven’t eaten one in forever… so this came along to work with me today.

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With the exception of an inexplicably huge chunk of walnut right in the middle of it, since I don’t like walnuts, I couldn’t help but wonder why I haven’t had one of these in so long!  I think a lot of times these — as well as Larabars — can be hit-or-miss… if they haven’t been stored under just the right conditions, they have a tendency to “turn.”  Very odd.  But I got lucky this time!

And, of course, the usual Hugh Jass came for a visit… though if I may point this out, it’s Wednesday, not Thursday.  Bucking convention.  Woo.  :p 

romaine, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, veggie protein link, barbecue sauce, barbecue salad croutons 

romaine, sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, veggie protein link, barbecue sauce, barbecue salad croutons

…So I just took a somewhat lengthy break from composing this post because my nutritionist called me, which means that I am going to insert some highly annoying verbal vomit here.  To make a long story short, I apparently retain fluid in the summer, since the same thing seems to have happened last year.  Either that or my doctor has a wonky scale.  Whatever the case may be, I am fatter bigger heavier not able to find the right word to use, but whatever that word is, I am it than I have been in years.  And I am not okay with it.  At all.  Even just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.  I can find a thousand different ways to describe how horrified and disgusted this makes me feel, but what I can’t do is find the words to describe why.  I mean, I guess I can pinpoint some contributing factors… like, I got so used to hating food in general, that allowing myself to admit that maybe I don’t hate everything edible just makes it worse when we make tweaks in a meal plan, because I am an absolute disaster with indecision.  Also not helping: I guess I’m eating a pretty normal amount of calories, but that would be for an “average person,” which means that if my body is so in need of it, I should require more than that to gain.  Apparently, I don’t.  So according to this, unless I want to keep gaining and gaining into the next millennium (three guesses as to what the correct answer to that particular question might be), I’d end up on a “restrictive” diet by default.  What the hell is the point in “allowing” yourself food if you can only have it if you accept the fact that that means gaining even if / when you’re not supposed to be?!  …Also freaking me out: I haven’t ever mentioned this on my blog, I don’t think, because it hasn’t been an issue for me in a long while, but around the time that I was developing an ED, I also started to deliberately self-harm.  (I think I had done it for years before that, but unconsciously.)  Over time it developed into a sort of pattern in which that was interchangeable with the ED — if I was losing weight, I was fine without it, and if it ever crossed my mind, it was fleeting.  I think that might be one of the reasons why I am so resistant to gaining weight; in my mind, doing that means falling back on other self-destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism, and I guess it’s probably because it’s more “socially acceptable” to be underweight than to cut yourself that I would rather be underweight!  I don’t even like to talk about it.  I mentioned it once to my therapist, in passing, and it was quite a while ago, so for all I know she doesn’t even remember it.  All I do know right now is that I am feeling so far from okay with everything that it is not even remotely funny, but it’s all a big jumble in my head and I can’t even begin to sort through it.  And tomorrow would be the day that I see my therapist, but she’s away this week.  How’s that for perfect timing??
 
I’m sorry that I’m being so bipolar in this post, it seems like I’m just so “all over the place” … which is, I guess, a pretty accurate reflection of how I feel right now!!  Just to end on a not-completely-depressing-note, here are some random pretty things I came across today.  What are some of the beautiful things in life that you easily overlook every day?
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Have a great Thursday!

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8 responses to “Take Two: Success!

  1. “As it is, right now it’s just confusing me, because I know I’m underweight, and even if they don’t (or maybe because they don’t), apparently I look fine to them, which translates to if I gain weight I will be fat.”

    I know exactly how that line of thinking works, because since struggling with an ED, I think like this often. It’s really, REALLY easy to take things the wrong way. I can’t tell you the amount of times I took harmless comments the wrong way. But please know this… if you gain weight you will look healthier (which is a good thing!), NOT fat. 🙂

  2. I know the call from the N must have been confusing and all that has been happening is confusing you as well but TRUST ME it will change. I originally started gaining on what was a very little amount and now Im on a huge amount because I cant gain anything otherwise. Your body takes some adjusting. You jstu need to remember that there arent any real rules to it all. You just need to be consistent and keep with a plan. The more consistent you are, the more your body will begin to trust you and it will speed up your metabolism and it will need more to gain and then eventually you will realize that you need ALOT and that your maintenance will be surprisngly high. Talk to any professional or intellectual versed in this type of information and they will assure you that what is happening with your body is normal. You cannot let it freak you out because it truly is something that needs to pass. PLEASE BELIVE ME THAT IT WILL BALANCE OUT AND YOUR BODY WILL ADJUST! You are still super duper thin and your body just needs to hit that point. Once it does, all will be peachy. The mental component will take a while and its going to take a lot of self work and evaluation. At the end of the day only YOU can decide what kind of life you want to lead. You dont have to turn to self hurting but you will if you allow yourself. You deserve so many wonderful things and anorexia and cutting are two things that do not fit into the life you deserve. Fight for that future that DOES exist for you. xoxo

  3. Hey,

    Can totally completely relate to everything in this post. I know in my heart that I’m underweight, but whenever I try to tell people they just don’t get it and go ‘oh really? you don’t look that thin to me.’ Great way of boosting your self-esteem (or trying to create it in the first place, which is probably more relevant in my situation). Also, I gain like mad on an average amount of kcals, won’t mention the number but it’s well below what I consider ‘decent-amount-to-maintain-on-for-the-rest-of-your-life’. They say your body adjusts… so I guess we need to have more faith, easier said than done though.

    What I also wanted to tell you was how much I enjoy your posts. You really have a way with words and I love your sense of humor.

    Love,

    Dame Noire

    ps. That is the cutest babydoll ever. Period. And I don’t even like babydolls.

  4. themilkfreeway

    I used to self harm too, but haven’t for the last two years – the same amount of time that I’ve been at an anorexic weight. I think a huge part of the reason that I found the eating disorder so hard to let go of is because I thought I would always be depressed and always be needing some sort of destructive coping mechanism, and you’re right, being underweight is more socially acceptable than cutting yourself. But that’s a bit black and white. No one can see the future. There is every chance that you will recover not just physically but psychologically if you keep trying, but no chance that you will ever feel any differently or be any less scared of this if you cling to the anorexia.
    I’m sorry the weight gain freaked you out too ❤ I'm at my highest weight for two years at the moment and it is…interesting, so I sympathise. But thinking all of that stuff about not looking underweight, not thinking you're ever going to stop gaining, that life will be far worse without the anorexia, etc – they are all to be expected, everyone with an eating disorder thinks stuff like that, and it's no more true for you than it is for me or any other blogger. What matters is what you do with those thoughts. I tell myself that they are symptoms of an illness which makes me believe things that aren't real and which I don't want to suffer from anymore. Separating yourself from them is really hard but really helpful.
    Don't know if this comment is any use though, I'm still half asleep 😛

  5. rediscoveringlauren

    hi hun
    im really sorry about the uspetting call from the N. I know its so so hard when you realize your a ta healthier weight than you have been in years…but remeber your becoming healthier…being healthy is something that is SO much more important than weight..and it may be hard to accept that right now, but hopefully in the future youll start to really believe that. your such a kind persn and i know you can fully recover! so keep that head up high girlie
    xxxx

  6. Oh my that entire experience sounds comical. I think I’d have to laugh if I overheard her say ‘there’s a lady out here with a whole bunch of blood.’ How funny!

    I love baby doll tops. They’re always flattering and easily dressed up or down. The one you’re wearing is beautiful. I love that navy color. I think maybe a lower cut undershirt might work out better. That way it just covers up the unwanted cleavage but doesn’t take away from the gorgeous lace collar of the other shirt.
    Girlie, I don’t know all about your medical status, but during re-feeding, as I’m sure you know, metabos go crazy. You may be at a weight that has been foreign to you, and you may only be eating x amount to gain, but I can almost guarantee your maintenance amount will not be considered restrictive. Why? Because as our bodies normalize, hunger cues come back, feelings of fullness regulate, everything starts to work properly again. Which means that your body will begin to feel satisfied at whatever amount of calories is right and healthy for you. If it’s less than what you’re eating now, try and integrate what your mind is craving into that meal plan. What will be important is to not focus on how much you’re eating as compared to others or even to what amounts you yourself have eaten before, but to focus on how your body reacts and feels to what you’re eating. This will take time. But our bodies and minds are very adaptable. Enjoying food does not coincide with gaining weight.

    And remember, you have a nutritionist to help you with all of the calorie amounts and things of that nature. You won’t have to make those decisions on your own.

    Behind my apartment is all forest. Trees are everywhere! I often overlook how lucky I am to be surrounded by so much nature. People will come and visit me and just awe at how beautiful my backyard is. All the wildlife and foliage… It is really beautiful, when I take the time to acknowledge it.

    I really liked that question, because there is so much in life we take for granted. So thank you so much for making me focus o that for a minute!
    n

  7. I hope the blood test figure everything out!!
    love that dress by the way 🙂

    just remember that you gaining weight is for your health and im sure it is just like you said – summer water weight. Maybe once things move along (if you know what I mean jelly bean) your weight will go back down.

  8. i overlook tons…sadly. i constantly b!tch about the nyc weather, but hellooooo i live in one of the best foodie cities in the world. i should really quit my complaining and go to pure, right?

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