Good thing I’m not afraid of needles.

“Needles” is an extremely funny word, now that I think of it.  Anyway.  Are you afraid of needles?  I would have been in some major trouble today if I were needle-phobic.  So I was supposed to get my blood drawn — I had nine tubes to fill.  My veins are pretty easy to find, and so I’ve never really had a problem like this before, but I currently look like a drug addict.  Not kidding — I have track marks.  He used no less than seven needles — all different types of needles.  He even tried to start a line on me!  For all that, we got a tube and a half out of the first needle, and nothing after that.  This is kind of freaky.  I have no idea how to explain it.  But I went back to my doctor’s office and told them what happened and that I needed more tubes.  I didn’t say I wanted to take out stock in tubes, but apparently that’s what they heard, because this is what they gave me:

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I wonder why this leads me to believe that they are anticipating further problems in this area.  Hmmm.

Totally random picture.  Romaine, peppers, mushrooms, sprouts, croutons, tofu, raspberry vinaigrette… um, it’s kind of hard to toss that, as you can probably well imagine.  And of course I’m on a Berry Crusade.

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I know I usually post these types of photos at the beginning… but to be honest, I wasn’t even going to post it at all.  To exacerbate an already-uncomfortable situation, my stomach was not very happy today, which consequently makes me rather unhappy.  Plus humidity = bloating.  Yeah, not exactly the makings of the greatest day in terms of body image.  I took these photos because I really do love this babydoll top, but I spent the entire day wearing a hoodie over it because I just felt so self-conscious… and I actually had a rational thought relating to this, believe it or not.  I say that I am mortified to go out in public when I “feel fat” — but really, that makes no sense, since the one I’m most ashamed of is myself, and I’m there even if I don’t go out.  So.  Isolating = not a solution.  Moving on.

Like I said, I wasn’t going to post these photos.  I had every intention of just deleting them and pretending they never existed, because, well, in my alternate universe denial works that way?  No clue.  But then I came home and looked at them again, and I realized that I might feel fat, I might think I’m fat, but I’m actually not fat.  (“Fat” is starting to sound weird, too — words tend to do that when you use them too much!)  And you know what? … Even if I was, that’s just too bad.  None of that should matter, because it should not be who I am.  (This could easily segue into a whole philosophical muse about who / what I really am, but since I have no freaking clue, and because I am — surprise! — tired, I won’t go there just now.  But it does beg the question… how can I dislike myself so intensely if I don’t even know who I am??)

It was full of this … insight that I went to get weighed.  And honestly?  I was horrified and disgusted and all that jazz.  Which I’m finding sort of difficult to understand, given my revelations.  Truthfully, I am more than a bit freaked out that it is never going to stop.  Although I’m just a little distracted by the fact that my stomach is still very angry with me.  The feeling is mutual.  Now behave!

Anyway, after that long and senseless and unrelated ramble… pictures.  (I am, clearly, not very skilled at photographing my back.  My bad.)

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The boatneck top that I’m wearing underneath the babydoll is from Victoria’s Secret.  I love it — I have it in black and in white, and I have another T-shirt from VS too… they are SO comfortable that I just went and ordered it in two more colors, plus another babydoll-style top.  Because, you know, I have NOTHING to do with my money but buy more clothes that I don’t even need.  And I am cringing at the thought that I actually bought shirts that aren’t babydolls… form-fitting!  Agh!

I’m actually trying to formulate a way to say what I want to say here, but it isn’t working, so I’m just going to give up and lug myself away… I’m feeling very confused and conflicted.  Obviously.

Enjoy your Tuesday!

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11 responses to “Good thing I’m not afraid of needles.

  1. I’d be afraid of THAT many needles luv! lol

  2. Ewww I hate getting blood drawn!! But then again I’m kind of a wimp =)

  3. omg omgomg I HATE NEEDLES AHHH!! (but i dont mind getting tattoos— isnt that odd!)

    ughh i can totally relate to the whole ‘feeling fat’ and then kind of laughing at myself because fat is something i am not even close to– im so glad you were able to rationalize this– its never easy– and i feel like often times we become ‘overly’ conscious of how are clothes are fitting etc etc. in high school– i rarely paid attention and couldnt really remember a time i felt ‘bloated’ besides when i had my period.
    LOVE the dress/top! the color is fabulous ! xoxoxox

  4. themilkfreeway

    Oh lol I always have the same problem with needles. My veins run from all sharp objects! They usually go through a few needles before they find one which works. Nightmare, ugh. Good job I’m not scared of needles either!
    I’m sorry getting weighed freaked you out. It does slow down and taper off, I promise – your body is no different to anyone elses, you won’t gain weight forever! Being bloated is annoying, my IBS does that to me all the time and it takes a lot of beating my brain into submission to remember that bloating does not = fat. I hope your stomach is feeling better now ❤

  5. I’m strange…I actually like to watch my blood being drawn and don’t have a problem with needles at all. Perhaps I’m a closet vampire but I just find it fascinating. I think the Nurses are slightly disturbed by it though. I did have a brief fear of needles for a few months after I had surgery, as the anaesthetist couldn’t find a vain (apparently they had retracted, which is a common response to stress/terror) and had to jab the needle into a tiny vain which was far too small for the drip it was attached to. Then I resumed my weird tendency to stare at tubes full of blood.

    You look stunning in your dress and don’t appear bloated in the least ~ if anything your stomach looks exceptionally flat. I know how scary it is to think that the number won’t stop elevating but everything you eat is so healthy and portion-controlled that there’s no way you’ll keep gaining beyond the point that you can accept.

    I only posted my experiences with ED thoughts, so I’m so sorry if it was poorly phrased! I wasn’t trying to generalise, and it was so interesting to hear your own perspective and angle on how the thoughts manifest themselves. Thank you and never be afraid to reply with your own observations.

    I’ve e-mailed you back about your story (hint:lots of positive feedback!)

    *hugs*

  6. I am absolutely terrified of needles and faint at the sight of them. Let’s just say the last time I had a needle stuck in me I had to be taken to the hospital where they proceeded to stick more needles in me for further tests while I was bawling my eyes out! Not a fun experience.

    I can relate to your feeling “fat” from bloatedness. Maybe the fact that I live in Texas where it’s always humid is the reason I always feel like crap! I need to move. I hope you’re overcoming these feelings and have a great day in your cute top!

  7. Whoa, look at those needles! I didn’t used to have a problem with them until I got my wisdom teeth out, and now I can’t stand needles OR blood. Ick!

    Feel better, my dear 🙂

  8. adventuresofrecovergirl

    Realizations that some thoughts are out of left field are fantastic! Wooo!

    Definitely not afraid of needles anymore. I actually watch when I get blood drawn for technique 😛 Oh and I forgot I offered to be my roommates testing dummy for work… So I’ll be in the “looks like a drug addict but isn’t” club soon too! haha.

    I loooove staring at VS clothes. I can’t wait to have a real job that pays well so I can afford it. Woo 🙂

    Have an awesome day!
    ❤ Jenn

  9. sorry your needle experience was so horrible…boo for all those tubes!

    i think your attempt at taking back pics is hilarious! haha. works for me. i like the layered top look.

  10. SERIOUSLY, good thing! I understand now… (;

    I have never tried victoria clothes… but they have good undershirts? I have a need for some good long sleeve ones, so I might jsut have to check them otu. Are they expensive?

    Well, hopefully you got through all the needles and was able to give enough blood to figure stuff out! GOOD LUCK!
    XO!

  11. Im glad that you rationalized that you are not fat by any means! It would be just plain silly to even associate yourself with the word because in reality you are so far from it. I know that I have said this before but I truly do not think that you see incredibly skinny you really are. I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way but if I were walking down the street, I would probably notice how very thin you were. I know it must be difficult to believe since your mind sees something else but that’s your ED’s vision. I mean it with all honesty when I say that I truly believe that you can get to a better place where your mind isnt shadowed by distortion and mispercetion! I really hope you get there because you deserve to live a life away from all of this

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