Monthly Archives: August 2009

Mild Hysteria

Verbal vomit must come first, before I fall asleep.  (For once, that actually has very little to do with the chronic exhaustion with which I have been plagued for the past couple of months!  See below.)

Today was my first day of classes.  I know I tend to do this — freak out over every little thing, be sure I’m going to totally crash and burn and wind up a complete disaster.  So far, I guess it hasn’t happened … yet.  I’m still terrified of it.  Anyway, I have two classes on Monday evenings, but the second one was canceled today.  This caused an additional problem; I’ll get to that in a minute.

First things first.  This class is a core requirement; it is my last core, and I am not at all interested in it.  It’s very heavily technological; I, obviously, am a technodummy.  I am having a minor panic attack over that, even though the professor says that she isn’t strict on grading and most people get an A anyway.  Speaking of the professor — she seems to be sweet, but she is also Asian.  I am totally not prejudiced in any way toward people of other nationalities or whatever, but she just moved here a couple of years ago, and she has a very heavy accent.  It is extremely difficult to understand her.  (I spent ten minutes trying to figure out why she was talking about virgins before I realized she was saying version.  Yow.)  And apparently, the end of class time is somewhat ambiguous to her, because ten minutes after we were supposed to have left… we were still sitting there.  Which brings me to the second issue.

I’ve mentioned this before: I have major issues with eating “late.”  In theory, I know that it would make no difference if I ate half an hour later one day, or whatever, and I might have the best of intentions to go about such a situation in a sane and reasonable manner… but when the situation actually comes to pass?  Well.  Can you spell “a-n-x-i-e-t-y”?!  So here I am, practically hyperventilating because I’d decided that I was going to attempt to act like a semi-normal person and go home for dinner, even if it would be a little later than I am used to… and she’s still keeping us in class!  Tick.  Tock.  Tick.  Tock.  Then the train was late, of course.  And as I’m on the train, which was chugging along at a snail’s pace, it was nearly an hour after I’d normally have eaten dinner, and I was going out of my mind — even with trying to tell myself to stop being so ridiculous.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, so I got myself re-acquainted with my old friend Mr. O. Kay (AKA, Klonopin)… I think I am in love.  I have a PRN for it for just such occasions, but since I generally don’t like medication, I haven’t used it in quite a while.  That, and because it makes me impossibly sleepy.  But — and I’m sure this is partly in my head — it did calm me down some.  Which in itself was kind of freaky… because I know that in such a situation I’d be semi-hysterical, and here I am, just watching sort of dispassionately… like I’m looking at someone else.  Preferable to hysteria, though, I guess.

Speaking of which… lately I’ve been wondering if I’m sort of a reverse neurological being.  (That isn’t the right phraseology at all, but blame it on the drugs.)  I know that malnutrition is supposed to wreak a bunch of havoc on people’s hormones and brain chemicals and all, and so being underweight supposedly equals depression.  Apparently, with me, it doesn’t work quite that way!  I’m never “happy-go-lucky,” but I never was.  I’m either sarcastically cynical (this is me in a “good mood”), or in a suicidal-ideating depression (this is me in a “bad mood”).  The former seems to come with weight loss; the latter, with weight gain.  And the disturbing thing about this is that I’m not weighing myself, so I don’t know whether I’ve lost or gained; it’s not like the ED part of my brain can revel in a loss, because I don’t know about it.  But this apparently innate tendency makes me distrust a “good mood” … I mean, yeah, so for a few days I haven’t felt like the world is going to end (or that I’d love for it to do that!) — but in the past, that actually didn’t turn out too well for me in the long run.  Does this mean that I’m doomed to forever be in a “bad mood”?!  What a cheerful prospect!!

Apparently, I have a tendency to ramble when I’m tired.  Sorry about that.  Moving on.

All neatly packed up last night, before it got banged around in transit:

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(Romaine, black beans, raw corn, and carrot chips for crunch!)

Post-transport mess… I really hate it when that happens!!  Sigh.

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BTW, Elise, I really owe you — I am loving raw corn!!

I’m meeting my friend for lunch tomorrow, and I’m actually a little bit annoyed about it because I was getting so excited about the prospect of finally getting into bringing my own… since there were so many things I wanted to try, but I rarely eat at home!!  And on Wednesday I won’t be able to bring my own lunch either, because we have this mind-numbingly boring departmental meeting.  All day.  They provide the food… and let me just say that it is not even remotely close to what I’d consider “safe.”  Not looking forward to that one… Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just be freaking normal!!

Two things: the waffles in my last post were not green!  They were plain whole wheat waffles.  Apparently my brother’s camera and I aren’t getting along quite as well as I’d hoped.  Hmph.

And I want to live here.

That’s all for now.  I’m off to panic some more.  Why oh why oh why did I decide to pursue higher education?!?!

Have a wonderful Tuesday!

It’s just a day of birth!!

Thank you for all of the compliments on my hair!!  I do have to say that while it is naturally curly in that I don’t need to use a curler to achieve the curls, it definitely requires quite a bit of “upkeep.”  As in, prior to my discovery of Ouidad, if I did anything to my hair other than beat it into submission by pulling it back and using copious amounts of products (read: highly flammable head), I would end up with an afro, for lack of a better word.  Actually, that would still happen.  It’s why I pay such an insane amount of money for my hair… I figure that I already spent way too many years looking like an electrocuted Q-tip!  (Though at the moment, I’m wondering if I should just give up on that for a while and pull a paper bag over my head.  My skin is not making me happy.)

Backtracking a couple of days… Friday was raw.  It’s still August!!  But it was rainy and windy and cold, and my poor feet screamed in protest at the mere thought of wellies… so I dug out these instead in a slightly misguided attempt at keeping my feet dry.

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It didn’t really work that well… I still had slightly wet feet, and the frigid temperature in the office didn’t make that too pleasant.  I believe that the mercury has dropped enough that even though it’s not December yet, they can turn off the air conditioning!!  Or at least turn it down.  But I suppose that makes too much sense.  Oh, well.  In the name of “matchy-matchy” …

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Clearly, I went through a “star” phase at some point.  Could be worse!

When I got home from work, I did the rounds… callling all three Targets in the area to find out if they had in stock the containers that I wanted.  The last one I called — the furthest from where I live — had one left, and they said it wasn’t possible for them to hold it for me.  So I ran out all helter-skelter to get there ASAP.  When I saw the box on the shelf, I all but dashed over to it like a crazy person so that it shouldn’t literally be snatched up from right under my nose!!

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Aren’t they so pretty and colorful?!  😉  (Yes, I took this picture in my car… I was excited!!  I know that this is rather pathetic.  Sue me.)  I was still trying to decide which set best suits my purposes — because this one doesn’t have the smaller, half-cup containers — but considering that I already have some smaller containers, and that I went through so much aggravation to get this set, I think I ought to stick with it!  (I returned the Bed Bath & Beyond containers today, and already packed tomorrow’s lunch into one of these, so I guess that takes care of that.  ;))

Blame that aggravation on this next move of sheer brilliance.  I don’t know how a company feels justified in marketing a waffle maker as one with “nonstick plates” when they clearly are not!  I was still all frazzled, and so I forgot to spray the plates first.  Whoops.  Guess it will take another try to get “pretty” waffles!!

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I had to beautify them on my own this time, I suppose…

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I’m really starting to like my brother’s camera, now that we’ve gotten better acquainted… and I was getting excited at the prospect of getting a new one!  But I got an e-mail from Canon; apparently they’re going to fix my camera, free of charge, and send it back, also free of charge.  While this is good news, it’s too bad that I won’t be getting a new camera just yet!  I’m wondering if maybe I ought to play around with the ISO on my camera… maybe it would make a difference?

To replace the victims of my apparent sock killing, I bought these.

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I am a total geek, I will admit.  But I loved these because they’re so… colorful!  And nobody can even tell that they’re anything but black from the tiny bit that would peek out from a sneaker / shoe.  Yay!

Saturday night, my parents gave me the mysterious birthday gift… well, it wasn’t a mystery to me, but it was to the rest of you!  😉

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Don’t mind the reflection of the cabinets in the screen… that thing is seriously shiny!!  (It’s a Dell Inspiron Mini… no more lugging a clunky laptop around when I travel!  Whoo!)

Today was actually my “real” birthday — well, depends whom you ask, I suppose.  But I was born on this day in the month of August, so make of that what you will.  😉  I “celebrated” by cleaning my room.  Whee!  I just didn’t want to deal with the clutter and all, what with classes starting again… *cue sobs*  I also had some culinary excitment…

I’ve tried white cauliflower, purple cauliflower, and broccoflower.  But despite my best efforts, I was never able to find orange cauliflower.  Until now!  I uncovered this treasure in Whole Foods on Friday.

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I roasted it with seasoned salt and minced garlic.  I just love it how the simplest “recipes” turn out to be the most fantastic!

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I may have eaten the entire head.  All by myself.  Yikes.

In other culinary adventures, after I mentioned that I had never tried Indian food before, Ellie sent me a pretty simple recipe for lentil dahl.  I made a couple of (very minor!) changes, but it probably still looks the same…

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Oh, well, in looking through my memory card I found that I apparently took a picture of the earrings I put on this morning.  I forgot about that.  Old age is getting to me.  😉

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I’m trying to think of what to do to avoid getting all depressed about classes starting again… the idea of a bath is very appealing, except that after three minutes, I get bored!  I wonder if a book would solve that problem… hmmm.  And I do have a yoga DVD I wanted to try… DVDs get sucked into some sort of vortex in my room.  I mean, they’re there, but I just never seem to get around to them!!  It’s kind of an irritating habit, even to me.

Okay, I’ve really babbled on long enough!!  Just a very quick verbal vomit: school is starting tomorrow.  I am freaking out.  The end.

Have a beautiful Monday!

Took Me Out To The Ballgame

To make my life easier I am just going to go through the day in chronological order!  So… first of all, I bought this on Sunday, based on the reasoning that it is more financially sound for me to make my own waffles rather than buying frozen all the time.  (Probably healthier too, and only an extra couple of minutes’ prep if I use a mix!)

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Can I just say?  When the instruction manual states, “Do not overfill,” they mean it.  The waffle on the right side was done, but the one on the left side was not, and so when I opened the iron, half of it stuck to the top and half of it stuck to the bottom.  I closed it again in the hopes that the halves would re-attach themselves to each other, but … yeah, let me just say, the result was not very pretty!  Pardon the messy waffles in the picture.  I am going to re-try this soon and follow the directions properly!!

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Thank goodness for the syrup / sauce … thanks to the oversized half, the other one was far too well-done and so it needed to get a bit soggy!!  (They’re whole wheat banana waffles, in case you care.  :p)

Before I get into the day itself, I’ll throw a couple of promised reviews at you!

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Whole Foods carrot chips and Texas BBQ Primal Strips.

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One thing about me: I love salt.  A lot.  Salt and crunch?  Awesome combination.  Way back when I had my first period of “recovery,” I probably gained the bulk of my weight back on such vegetable chips alone!  I don’t like that they’re greasy, but, well, that’s to be expected.  They don’t exactly taste like carrots, per se, but they have a nice subtle sweetness to them.  And they’re just the type of food that terrify me that “once you pop, you can’t stop” … eek!

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I bought this on a whim because I happened to catch a glimpse of them as I was waiting in line at Whole Foods.  I love the idea of portable protein that doesn’t require refrigeration!  I’m not crazy about the sodium content, but that’s to be expected; it is “jerky,” after all.  I feared for my jaw / teeth, given my last experience with vegetarian jerky.  This wasn’t like that at all.  Taste-wise, it was pretty similar, but it wasn’t so hard to chew!  Don’t get me wrong; it’s not exactly easy on the jaw, and post-consumption, floss is advised.  But for what it is, I can’t complain.

Eventually, I found myself here…

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…where I spent a lot of money.  Ouch, ouch, and ouch.  I really love my stylist, though!  You’d think that she would get all confused between clients, especially since I can’t afford to go as often as I should, but she remembers me every time.

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I had some time to kill before I had to meet my dad, so I went through a bit of a second childhood.

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It was an absolutely gorgeous day for baseball… sunny, but not too hot!  We had pretty good seats, too.  Well, until the guy in front of me kept bobbing his head into his enormous bucket of buttered popcorn.  (Which cost twelve dollars.  And by the way?  I hate the smell of buttered popcorn.  Anyway.)

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I was not at all pleased with the outcome of this game.  We actually left in the middle of the ninth inning, because we decided to at least avoid the subway crush.  Which turned out to have been a sound decision… but even though I was annoyed, it was still infinitely preferable to being at work!!  I could definitely get used to this… I do, however, wish that my endocrinologist appointment was sooner, because it significantly cuts down on the fun factor of life when you’re half-asleep through almost everything that happens.  Not to mention that I’m really worried about starting school in a zombie state!!

Back home again, I created my own version of a soba noodle stir-fry… possible stepping stone to “the real thing”?  Who knows.  I used buckwheat soba noodles and a can of stir fry vegetables (baby corn, water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, and bean sprouts)… and Asian dressing because the restaurant says theirs has an Asian sauce!  I obviously have no basis for comparison here, but it was pretty good.  If enormous!

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…This post technically isn’t “finished” (no verbal vomit?!  WHAT?!), but since I went to the supermarket with my mom and just got back crazy late, and old lady needs to sleep, it will have to do.  I’m happy to report that I managed to find the most adorable small spaghetti squashes … I bought two, because it’s so hard to find spaghetti squash that size!

Even though it’s my least favorite day of the week — TGIF tomorrow!!  I have grand plans to sleep through the entire weekend, but given the enormous pile of magazines awaiting my attention, I have a feeling I’m going to end up reading all night instead.  Hey, if I’m exhausted anyway, why bother sleeping?!

Have a good Friday and an even better weekend!

For A Change!

 Whew.  I don’t know why, but today was just exhausting!  Nothing overtly awful happened, but I had to struggle to get through the day.  Come to think of it, that’s probably because I didn’t sleep well last night at all… I woke up at 1.00, 3.00, and at 4.30 for good.  And I didn’t get to bed until at least midnight for reasons about which I will ramble … see, I wanted to get this Sterilite Ultra-Seal set in Target.  I was there on Sunday, and they had it, but like a total idiot, I bought a single container instead.  Then when I changed my mind, they didn’t have the set in stock anymore.  And there are no rain checks on it because it’s a “seasonal item.”  (Um.  It’s a food storage container!  Since when is that seasonal?!)  I wound up buying Target brand Gladware containers instead, and I’m going to return the single Sterilite one.  But the point is, I came home late from Target, and then I was occupied by a butternut squash, so … yeah, bed was but a distant dream!

On to today.  I reminded Mr. J that I’m not going to be in tomorrow, and he wanted to know if he needed to sign off on my personal day… which he already did.  I tell you, he has a mind like a steel trap.  I told him that he already did that and I was just reminding him, and he smiled a big cheesy grin and said, “Oh, great, I like reminders!”  If he calls me tomorrow to ask me where I am, I am going to shoot someone.

Here’s another Mr. J treasure.  Maintenance was polishing the floors out in the hallway and in nearby rooms.  A lot of times when they do this, they use too much electricity and blow a fuse, causing half of our office computers to shut down — mine and Mr. J’s included.  When it happened today, he let loose with a little yelp: “Hey!”  I had just come in from the hallway, so I figured out what had probably happened, and I told him that they were cleaning the floors.  He told me I should have stopped them.  I just said incredulously, “You wanted me to tell them not to do their job?”  He said yes and ran out of the room to do that himself… and one of my co-workers told me that next time I ought to spread myself out on the floor and force them to run me over if they wanted to clean!  (Facetiously, obviously.)  I’m sorry, but I don’t have that much self-esteem, I guess, that I am going to tell people who are doing their jobs, “Hey, I know your boss told you to do this, but my boss doesn’t like it, so quit it.”

Anyway, since we had no computer power for a little while, I played around with my brother’s camera for a bit to try and figure it out.  I think we’re getting along somewhat better now… so here’s Take Two:

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A double chocolate chip mini muffin crumbled into vanilla yogurt… again!  There are twelve mini muffins in a package, which drives me crazy, because I have to eat them day after day until they’re gone or they’ll go bad, and I hate having to do that, because it makes it incredibly easy to get into a rut.  Someone like me, who hates change and will go to any length to avoid it, should not be doing things repetitively like that.  Which brings me back to the matter of those containers I wanted to buy…

Every day that I eat lunch at work, I have to walk ten minutes each way to get a salad, a process which takes about ten minutes in itself.  I have been long aware of the fact that bringing lunch from home would save me time and probably a great deal of aggravation, as well as money… but like I said, I hate change, and the idea just freaked me out.  Besides, I liked that I could get outside and walk instead of sitting on my butt every. single. second.  Well.  I am a total genius, as it turns out, because if I bring my lunch from home, I can still go outside and walk somewhere… except that I can actually accomplish some other things too, so it essentially adds half an hour to my day!  How cool is that — most people have a twenty-four hour day, but I can have one that is twenty-four and a half hours long.  So… today on my “lunchwalk” I went to Bed Bath & Beyond and purchased this:

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I may or may not return it.  Depends on whether the biggest size fits in my refrigerator at work.  Yep, I have my own refrigerator…

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…before you get too envious, I’m going to say that this isn’t a perk of the job; it’s my own refrigerator!  Getting it to the office was quite an adventure.  And the container on the bottom shelf is one of the “Gladware” containers that I bought in Target last night.  So, yes, I “took the leap” and actually did bring my lunch with me!  (I have to say that Elise was a big inspiration for me there — because her lunches always look so nice all packed up like that!)

Last night, I put it in the container so prettily.

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Apparently it didn’t travel quite so neatly!!

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It didn’t matter, though; it was still good.  I’m serious, people: if you only do one thing with a butternut squash, ever, do this.  It is hands-down the best recipe I’ve ever tried using butternut squash, and trust me, I’ve used a lot.  (The measurements are the ones that I used last night.)  Just preheat the oven to 475 F, combine about 10 ounces of peeled cubed butternut squash, a teaspoon of brown sugar (I used Splenda brown sugar blend), a dash each of salt and black pepper, and a chopped shallot; toss to coat.  Bake for twenty minutes or until tender, stirring occasionally.  Heaven emerges.  I never put it in anything before, but obviously here it’s combined with black beans and romaine.

Here is a very very sad event, though…

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That was my very last one.  (Nature Valley apple cinnamon Chewy granola bar.)  Now I really must go back to Israel!!

Since today is apparently a day for jumping into things with three feet, I tackled another “obstacle.”

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You don’t even want to know how long this has been in my freezer.  (Neither do I, to be honest!)  I bought it once when I was feeling “brave,” and then stopped feeling that way!!  The weirdest thing about this is that I never even really liked cheese pizza, so it’s very strange that it’s a “fear food” for me.  I think it’s partly because I coincidentally haven’t had “real” pizza (because pizza dough topped with onions and mushrooms does not exactly a pizza make) in seven years… and that’s how long I’ve had my ED.  For whatever reason, pizza does freak me out.  But we’re being all daring today, aren’t we??

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When you have to shave a layer of ice off the top?  Yeah, totally been in the freezer too long.  Because of that, I don’t feel that I can give this a fair review; but I do have to say that I think I may have quite liked it, and if I liked it even in that condition (and apparently I left it in the oven for too long as well!), it must be good when it hasn’t been mistreated that way!  The strange thing is that there are supposed to be three rectangular slices in the box; I had one rectangle and one square, which evidently never was cut in half to form two rectangles.  Weird.

Included here… raw corn (also inspired by Elise)!  I was actually quite ticked off, because I bought an ear of corn at Whole Foods this morning (see it in my fridge above… heh), and there were so few kernels on it!!  Next time I am ripping open the husk, that’s it.  Anyway, I am officially a huge fan of raw corn; so much better that way!!

I also made zucchini garlic sticks… the complex method involved pouring Lawry’s garlic salt into a plastic baggie, dumping in the zucchini sticks, shaking the bag to coat the zucchini, and lining up the sticks on a sprayed baking sheet… I broiled them in the toaster oven for what I think was about twenty minutes.  And then I rejoiced about the fact that I now have a relationship with this camera that doesn’t revolve around I hate you!

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And just for the amusement factor, I think these socks are officially ready to be tossed in the garbage… seriously, I’m going through socks like mad!  I like to think it’s just this brand, rather than believing my feet have some sort of strange sock-destroying qualities.

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It isn’t even 9.30 yet, but I am so exhausted that I’m seriously pondering going to bed… I may not be going to work tomorrow, but it is going to be quite a long day!  Because I am taking off work, I scheduled an appointment for a haircut (which would explain why I had a good hair day today… it thinks that if it behaves I will change my mind?  Ha.  Though my bank account would appreciate that)… and then I’m meeting my dad to go to the game!  Whoo!!!

And speaking of appointments… I finally did make one with my endocrinologist.  I needed the first morning appointment, though, so I won’t be able to see him until September 15.  Boo.

And with that, I think I can stop babbling because I believe this post is incredibly, impossibly long by now!!  Oh, but before I do — some of you were wondering about the book situation (published / not published), but in my probably excessive paranoia I would rather not discuss that on my blog.  If you do want to know, just e-mail!

Okay, I really am going now.  Have a happy Thursday!

A Girl & Her Grandmother

Once upon a time, there lived a little girl. Her family resided in the second story of a two-story house, the first of which was occupied by her maternal grandparents. The little girl was essentially a “latchkey kid,” as both of her parents worked until the evening hours, and her older siblings didn’t arrive home from school until the very late afternoon. It thus happened that the little girl wound up spending quite a bit of time in her grandparents’ care. When she grew big enough to attend school herself, she would stay downstairs until one of the “big people” arrived home to accompany her upstairs. This is how it came to pass that the little girl would share all of her silly little pieces of schoolwork with her grandmother. And though they were indeed silly and little (first-grade “compositions,” anyone?), her grandmother never failed to praise every word that the little girl scratched out with her well-sharpened new yellow pencils. She encouraged the little girl to write, and she loved it when the little girl shared her “masterpieces.” This went on over the years, even though when she was ten years old, the girl and her family moved to another house halfway across the neighborhood. She promised her grandmother that when she published her first book — because to her grandmother, it was a given that she would do that — it would be dedicated “to my grandmother.”

Obviously, the little girl here was me. Why am I thinking about this now, you ask? Because I went to the cemetery on Sunday.

My grandmother passed away when I was thirteen. At the time, I had already written several children’s books, but had not yet published any. I did dedicate my first book to my grandmother, as I had promised I would; but it felt, and still feels, like “too little, too late.” I know that if she were still alive, she would be immeasurably proud of me for doing this. But at the same time, I know that I would also be killing her… because of my ED.

My family is of Eastern European heritage. And Jewish. My maternal grandparents came to the States after World War II. I’m sure you can imagine what that means: my grandmother was a “feeder.” (She was also a fantastic cook, but that’s another story.) Some of my clearest memories of her involve her feeding us, and it was so obvious that it gave her so much pleasure to be able to do that.

I try not to think about it too often, because it isn’t something anyone can change; she’s gone. But if I do stop and focus on it — as I did on Sunday — I have to admit that I really, really miss her. And how can I even say that?? I was just a child when she died!! Am I missing her, or am I missing “what could have been”?

I didn’t go to the cemetery specifically to visit her grave, but I did go anyway… I’ve been there countless times in the last twelve years, but I don’t think I’ve ever apologized to her. I finally did. For what, I’m not sure… taking so long to fulfill my promise so that she didn’t live to see it? Doing something that I know would cause her sorrow were she still alive? Not appreciating her the way I should have when I had the chance? …I have no idea. It just felt like something I ought to do.

…In case it isn’t glaringly obvious, that was what I was referring to in my last post when I said I needed to “get it out of my system”! I guess maybe I did. A little bit.

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A double chocolate chip mini muffin crumbled into vanilla yogurt… sorry about the horribly blurry picture.  Apparently my brother’s camera doesn’t like me very much… well, it’s probably a combination of that and the fact that I’m not used to it yet.  Regular point and shoot shots turn out fine, as you can see from my Whole Foods jaunt:

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There is actually a story behind everything here, but I’m too tired to tell all of it, and I’m sure you don’t want to hear it!!  (Thank Target for my exhaustion.  Rawwr!!)  I’ll just list what’s there, because, you know, I love to overstate the obvious.  Carrot chips, Yogi granola crisps in baked cinnamon raisin and mountain blueberry flax (two for seven dollars!), Primal Strips in Thai Peanut and Texas BBQ.  They’ll all be reviewed … at some point!

I think that is about all I can squeeze out of myself right now, considering I SHOULD have been in bed half an hour ago… I could spew some verbal vomit, courtesy of what I have dubbed Operation Oink, but I think going to bed is a better idea right now.

Have a happy Hump Day!!!

Okay Today

I actually did have a particular topic I wanted to write about, but due to certain circumstantial events (see below), if I delved into that now I would have to rush through it, and I don’t want to do that.  There’s always tomorrow!  Or the next day.  Or the next.  You know.

Hang on to your hats, because I am about to say something that I don’t think I have ever said before and am not very likely to be saying again!  (I kid, I kid.  I think.)  Today was actually sort of a good day.  Barring a minor freakout when I realized that I start classes again on Monday!!  I’ve known that for months; leave it to me to exist in such a fabulous state of denial that I am all but unaware of reality.  This made for quite an unpleasant awakening.  AH!!!

Anyway.  That, obviously, isn’t what was so good about today.  I don’t actually know what was.  Considering that last night I spent my wakeful hours in bed despairing of the future because I can’t seem to find my “greater purpose,” and other assorted thoughts just like that one, I would have thought I’d be quite down in the dumps today.  No?  Okay.  Not asking any questions!

As for the circumstances which got in the way of my blogging up until now… I did call Canon’s customer support number, and after explaining that I really doubt that it’s dust coming out of the flash, since to my knowledge dust does not smell much like smoke, I was told to send the camera to them to have it evaluated, after which I can weigh my options… pay to have it fixed, upgrade, get a new one, whatever.  Point is, I will not have a camera for at least a week.  Turns out I am just as addicted to my camera as I am to the internet, because the concept of being camera-less caused a not-insignificant amount of panic!  Plus there’s the game I’m going to with my dad on Thursday, and I will definitely need a camera for that.  So I’m borrowing my brother’s for a while.  Except that his camera doesn’t appear to get along with my memory card.  Every time I put it in, the card would lock.  Okay, it’s an old card.  So I tried one of my newer ones, a micro-card with an adapter — neither of which I’d ever used before.  Still says “card locked,” except that it’s clearly not locked.  In the end, I’m using my micro-card but with my brother’s adapter.  Complications, complications, I tell you…

And then another little issue arose.  Last night I had the funereal task of throwing out one of my albino rainbow sharks.  These particular fish always did like to hang out in The Graveyard, so there’s no way to know if it means anything, but it was making me nervous to see the second one hovering around there.  Obviously this necessitates a water change.  No small task, especially when done on one’s own!!  I really need to clean out the filter, though.  I mean, it’s been about ten whole days.  Sigh.  Anyway.  This is why I didn’t get around to blogging until now, and why I get to ruminate over my originally intended topic for another day or two…

Meanwhile, just a few pictures.

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Nana’s Omega-Fiber cookie bar in Apple Harvest; it doesn’t look anything like a cookie at all, which helps a lot mentally for a crazy person like me!  It tastes, well, like apples and cinnamon!  There are a bunch of tiny little seed-like things in there (flax? and something else?), which I can see someone disliking, but I actually think it enhances the texture.  I’m weird.

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And clearly, also very mature for my age, because I find this endlessly amusing.

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This is just a usual salad (romaine, sprouts, mushrooms, peppers, croutons, tofu, raspberry vinaigrette)… but note the little pile of greens on the top!!  Those are leaves from my radish plants… I thinned them out, and it was so exciting to be eating something I grew myself… so much so that I was able to ignore the fact that I don’t actually like radishes.  (If you’re wondering why I’m growing them when I don’t like them, it’s because they have a very short harvest time and I have very little patience!)

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That’s that for this uninspired post — hope I can actually get the chance to write out what I originally planned, because it would be kind of nice to “get it out of my system”!

Have a fabulous Tuesday!

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to…

Yes, so no crying happened… but still.  If I don’t like birthdays or parties, just what exactly is the reasoning behind throwing one for me??  I know, I know, I sound like a spoiled ungrateful brat, so to ward off the recriminations, I will acknowledge that.  I do appreciate the sentiment, really.  It’s just that parties make me feel extremely uncomfortable!  Especially if my niece is there.  I very stupidly finally told my dad why that is the case, and he said something like, “So every time you’re around someone who’s skinnier than you are, you’re going to act this way?!”  I didn’t take very well to that.  Not because I thought he was telling me I’m fat, but because everyone else is always in such a rush to say, “No, she’s not,” when I know that she is; and my totally uncensored dad is the only one who can admit that.  Meaning everyone is always lying to me.  Not the greatest thing for someone who already has trust issues, you know?

Anyway, enough of that.

I gave myself a French manicure on Friday.  Or attempted to, anyway… I haven’t done it in ages, and it shows.  My right hand is really a sight to behold, believe me.

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This is totally at odds with my toenails, which are never not painted black.

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Since the party was on Saturday, which was my birthday (lucky lucky birthday-hating me has two — because in my family we celebrate Hebrew birthdays, according to the lunar calendar; which only falls out on the same date as the birthday according to the Gregorian calendar every nineteen years), I couldn’t take any pictures.  There was a cake which may or may not have been quite lovely; I couldn’t say, since I didn’t know of its existence until one of my nephews started carrying around slices and offering it to people, after my dad had cut it open.  I thought I was supposed to cut my own birthday cake, but I haven’t had one in a while, so what do I know?  So sorry about the nasty cake pictures.  The pretty card makes up for it, though, yes?

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My mom told me that they wanted to give me a gift on my birthday, but it’s coming from China and it won’t arrive until September 11.  Which totally doesn’t make any sense, according to what I saw… but whatever, I won’t ask any questions.  The boat with my books is docking on September 11, too… yay!  My sister said that our Chinese “liaison” picked it up for them (“it” being whatever this mysterious gift is)… which really makes no sense!!  Oh, the mystery.

Some random food pictures, of course.

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Waffles with a “sauce” made out of pancake syrup microwaved with blackberries, blueberries, and raspberries… I started to mash the berries afterward but decided this worked better.  And it looked prettier too, don’t you think?!

Speaking of things looking pretty… a couple of weeks ago I finally broke down and bought a julienne peeler.  It’s actually quite cool — it’s three peelers in one!  A regular peeler, one for thin skin (i.e. tomatoes), and the julienne blade… which is really all I wanted!

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It is awesome.  It is also pathetic how excited I get when things work the way they’re supposed to work, but whatever.  Look at this beautiful pile of julienned zucchini and yellow squash!

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And then I killed several birds with one stone by topping it with the most heavenly mushroom recipe ever (the dead bird here is the jar of mushrooms that expires in September), plus a meatless mini loaf (which just needs to stop taking up space in my freezer).

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Since I was apparently in the mood to be finishing up things that needed to be finished up, I used a lemon supreme cake mix (for some reason, we have about seventeen dozen boxes of cake mix in the basement) and made a “lemon jello cake” … sans lemon jello.  I don’t think my brother is overly fond of citrus anyway, so it’s all good.

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So I guess that’s that for the photographic entertainment.

My mom and I had another lovely argument today.  I’m not going to get into the details, because contextually it probably won’t make any sense to anyone reading this.  But it made me really, really mad.  I am so tired of constantly hearing what a disappointment I am because I can’t, or won’t, live up to everyone’s expectations of me… and because they just refuse to accept me as I am.  I should be used to this whole “black sheep” crap after all these years, but apparently I’m not.  It never fails to make me feel guilty, guilty, guilty… as if I don’t already have enough self-hatred?!  Please.

I was going to buy a new camera today, but my sister told me that I shouldn’t do that… she said that when her camera broke, even though it wasn’t under warranty anymore, she called Canon… apparently they have really good customer service, and she sent them the camera so that they could fix it.  Before they would fix it, though, they’d tell me if there’s the option to upgrade… which would cost less than a new camera!  So I guess I’m going to try calling them tomorrow… but how will I live a week without a camera?!  (I already told my brother I’d be adopting his… it isn’t like he ever really uses it anyway!)

I’m really kind of dreading going back to work tomorrow… I don’t think I hate my job per se.  I’m just … blue, for lack of a better word, and it’s harder to distract myself from that when I need to be focusing on the task at hand.  Maybe that’s part of the reason why I seem to have stopped blogging every day… well, not because I need to be focusing at work, as I don’t blog at work!  But I’m just devoid of the energy for it, I guess.  Doesn’t seem worth the expenditure, like it doesn’t matter… and I’m doing a really bad job of explaining this, which shouldn’t matter either because who really cares?!  So I’ll just be quiet now.

Have a fabulous start to your week!