Somewhere Over the Rainbow

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BOO! (Hi, Jaime!)

The title of this post is because I saw a flower in someone’s garden today that reminded me of bluebells, but was not actually a bluebell… but that didn’t stop Somewhere Over the Rainbow from popping into my head, and all day I’ve been hearing Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly… birds fly over the rainbow, why then oh why can’t I? Why, indeed.

Last night, I finally got around to making “British scones” for a co-worker of mine. Considering that I’d never heard of scones at all until a couple of years ago (yes, I live under a rock), I have no idea whether or not they’re authentic, but she liked them, so all is well.

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2 c all-purpose flour
1 t cream of tartar
1/2 t baking soda
1 pinch salt
1/4 c unsalted margarine
1/8 c granulated sugar
1/2 c soy milk
2 T soy milk

Preheat oven to 425 F (220 C).
Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
Sift the flour, cream of tartar, baking soda, and salt into a bowl.
Rub in the butter until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs.
Stir in the sugar and enough milk to make a soft dough.
Turn onto a floured surface, knead lightly and roll out to 3/4-inch thickness.
Cut into two-inch rounds and place onto prepared baking sheet. Brush with milk to glaze.
Bake for ten minutes. Cool on wire rack.

Like I said, I have no clue whether this is “authentic” … for all of the British people out there: is it??

Totally random question: What is the difference between “tags” and “categories”?!

I actually made it to bed before 11.00 last night. I think I even fell asleep before then, which is awesome. What’s not so awesome is that I woke up three times in the middle of the night with a throbbing headache behind my right eyebrow. At 1.40 I finally gave up and took some ibuprofen… which didn’t work very well, apparently, because I took more when I got up for the day a few hours later. Hence, I spent much of today in a drug-induced haze.

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I would absolutely not buy this top were I to try it on today; but I have a special place in my heart for them (yes, them; I have it in not one, not two, not three, but four different colors!) because they’re the first babydoll-style tops I ever owned. And since I work in an icebox and ride to work in another icebox, most of the time I’m wearing a hoodie over it anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

Just a couple of things that “happened” today:

Jamfrakas apple crispalicious bar

Jamfrakas apple crispalicious bar

These are, obviously, meant for kids. And they’re kid-sized! But even though it is diminutive, it’s got a nice subtle sweetness to it. I guess it’s good that I don’t hate them, since I have quite a few of them in my “pantry”!

i. love. berries.

i. love. berries.

Something else “exciting” happened today, too. I mentioned a couple of weeks back that my therapist wanted me to be the one to initiate getting together with some friends… well, we’re finally getting around to sort of planning something. We had a date, which had to be changed, so now we have another one; and we have a tentative time. But we had nothing to do… and we really didn’t want to go out to eat, because that’s just so… typical. Anyway, one of my friends decided that we should go out to eat, because “we can talk around food.” Okay. Fine. Not my first choice, but I’ll deal. But. She wants to go to a hibachi steakhouse. Hello… I am a vegetarian. While I have nothing against other people eating meat, I definitely do not want to sit there and watch carcasses being roasted right in front of my face! Thankfully, one of my other friends agrees with me, so it’s not just me being difficult about it. Sigh.
After my rather interminable day at work (with a mosquito… bloodsucking insects love me, way more than any human ever has or will), I had to stop in to get weighed. I randomly asked if my nutritionist had called since last week, and I was told that she either didn’t, or that they missed her call. This doesn’t surprise me, exactly — I know she does have her own life! — but it annoys me that such a big fuss was made about my needing to get on that stupid scale!! I kind of knew she would forget to call, so even though I am supposedly blind-weighed, I did peek. Admittedly, a peek means I am not 100% sure that what I saw was correct. Not to mention the fact that this scale is about ten million years old. But all of these factors aside, I’m pretty sure I did gain weight. Way more than I would have liked, considering I wasn’t 100% compliant — yay, me — because I just shiver with horror at what would have happened if I had been. But what frightened me most of all was that as I was walking home, telling myself that this was a very very stupid reason indeed to consider walking in front of a passing vehicle, the thought popped into my head that it really doesn’t matter. Yes, I think I look like a house, and yes, I feel like an elephant, but seriously… it doesn’t make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things. Twenty years from now, will it really matter that I weighed X more or less than I “wanted” to on a particular day?! Obviously not.
Still, I just had to take a shower ASAP when I got home. Must wash off that yuckiness, you know. I am not particularly fond of the whole “having to see yourself naked” aspect of showering; towards the end of my IP stay, I was actually showering in the dark. Not a wise move if you’re going to be shaving, I will have you know! But here I am, and I am seriously disgusted with myself, and I realized that I am just so. damn. tired. of this already. It is exhausting to constantly fight with myself, some anonymous entity, the man on the moon, heaven only knows who or what… no wonder I’m always feeling sleep-deprived!! And so I stepped out of the shower, full of brilliant insights (not), and all but rolled in baby powder. (I love baby powder. It makes me happy. Okay?? ;p)
I’m pondering whether or not to call my nutritionist to tell her I’ve been to the doctor’s office. Clearly it doesn’t matter whether someone is “keeping tabs” on it or not; I am obviously capable of getting fatter without that. Just the thought of this conversation exhausts me, to be honest. Crawling into bed sounds awfully appealing… the only problem with that is that if I go to sleep, morning will come sooner, and I will have to go back to work! Gah. I guess I need to earn back the money to which I bid a sad farewell when I signed my tuition check tonight. Seriously. It will take me close to three months to earn that back, and by then I will be on the receiving end of another bill!
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There’s a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
Someday I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then oh why can’t I
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why oh why can’t I?
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10 responses to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow

  1. lilveggiepatch

    Hooray for seeing your friends, even if it was a little uncomfortable.

    Those scones look delish! I’ve recently decided I like them šŸ™‚ Those Jamfrakas, however, are not my friends.

  2. 1. Your eyes are so amazing! I know I say that all the time, but they really are!

    2. Blah…I used to “peek” all the time too…’til I came to the realization that a. whatever the number, it would only make me more anxious knowing, and b. in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter at all, because regardless, I’ll still feel fat (among other more “rational” reasons as to why it doesn’t matter, but you know).

    3. I know you’re not happy about it, but congratulations for gaining – you’re a few pounds closer to HEALTH and a real life ā¤

  3. fearlessfabulousfulloflife

    hey love!!
    LOVE the eye pic (and thanks for the shout) your eyes are gorgeous and totally LOVE your earrings as usual.
    i totally agree with deb– no matter what the number– its always going to cause ‘some’ anxiety– if it is ‘higher’ u get nervous and want it to be lower/but you also are glad you made progress, if its ‘lower’ ED tells you how ‘great’ you are but the REAL you KNOWS you need to keep pushing forward, and if its JUST what you expect you panic to keep it what it is (note– im not saying YOU in particular– just a general ‘you’ for anyone who suffers from ED/DE). i weigh myself and HONESTLY tell my nutritionist and therapist– i do not let ANY Doctor weigh me– even blindly.

    and i also agree with deb– gaining is never easy– in fact its really hard– but you are getting your LIFE back!!

    its so hard to ‘sit with the feeling’ but just know that i am so proud of you.. xoxoxo j

  4. they definitely look like British scones- I always thought a scone was a scone, but American ones are completely different!

    Tags I think are for your own blog, categories and all wordpress blogs. Annoying because on blogspot there are only tags but WordPress changes it all to categories- I couldn’t be bothered switching all my posts to tags so just left it (which means that if someone clicks on a ‘category’ it will bring up hundreds of blogs with that category- tags would just bring up your own posts I think).

    I’m sorry being weighed is causing so much head-screwing. It’s a no-win situation, as you know. Nutritionist/doctor aside, how about being accountable for you? I get the feeling that you do a lot of things just to keep other people happy…what do YOU want from treatment/life? Nothing is going to stick if you don’t want it for yourself, even if there IS a huge conflict between what you want/what you feel drawn to (ie, not gaining weight and staying sick) but I am really unclear about your personal goals. I am assuming that because you do go to appointments, etc that there is a part of you that wants to change? If so, maybe tapping into that a little more frequently might help in moments like this…

  5. Aww babe,
    I am so sorry that the weighing situation caused you so much stress and anxiety. It may be hard but perhaps the best thing for you is not to look anymore and just let it be what it is. You signed up to get better because somewhere inside you DO want that. given that you have committed yourself to getting healthy, you just have to buck up and deal with those more difficult days. Gaining is a hard and long process but just look around at all those people that have done it and how AMAZING their lives are now. Just think that if you really stick to this, you can have that too. Don’t let the negative thoughts tell you that what all of us are advising is a lie because we would never lie to you. Remember that.

  6. rediscoveringlauren

    you have such beautiful eyes šŸ™‚ and love the earings!!
    im sorry about the weighing situation…its never easy. But rember you are SO much more than a number and your getting your health back! thats whats imposrtant!
    xxx

  7. Great pictures!

  8. yeah for friend dates, and im with ya on the restaurant choice :/

    berries = love, and biscuits with berries are even better, mmmm. how very 4th of july!

  9. those scones sound so delicious šŸ™‚
    love your shirt too! super cute.

  10. I have only had a Jamfraka once, and it was an amazing experience šŸ˜› Too bad the closest TJs (where I found them) is 2 hours away šŸ˜¦

    I’m sorry about the weigh in. But you’re so right, in 20 years from now it’s not going to matter what the scale said. What will matter is your health and happiness and right now you’re definitely on the path to getting it back! woo! (I’m in an exclamation mark type mood :P)

    I hope today was fabulous šŸ˜€
    ā¤ Jenn

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