Day One

 Thank you all so much for the comments on my last post.  I was really hesitant to post it at all, because it just so uncharacteristic of me to do that (n-e-e-d-y), but I am glad I did.  It just blows my mind that I can get that here, when I’ve never been able to find it anywhere in my life before, and I appreciate it more than words can say.

New rule: I don’t want to get obsessed with food food food, so I am not allowed to post pictures of anything edible unless I post pictures of non-food too.  Hence:

This morning it was raining.  (SURPRISE!)  Anticipating how fat and bloated I would feel from following my meal plan, I was sorely tempted to just throw on a sweatshirt and go.  I usually do wear sweatshirts anyway.  But knowing that my niece’s bat mitzvah was tonight, and that I would have to change, made me re-think that, and I decided to actually get dressed for once.  I wore something that I would be able to wear to the bat mitzvah too, but that is loose enough so that I don’t feel like I’m being strangled to death.  Although the material is so flimsy that you can see my waistband, which drives me crazy, but I’m trying to convince myself that nobody notices that but me.  And would you believe that I actually own an article of clothing which matches those crazy red and purple earrings I got in Barbados?!IMG_0606


I even did my makeup!  (Okay, so I do that every day.  Shh.)

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Haha, that’s a bit of a frightening picture, now that I think about it!

After my nutritionist’s appointment last night, I made a stop at the supermarket.  Primarily because I needed to buy soy milk.  Guess what I forgot to buy?  So I had to pop in to Whole Foods this morning for that… it just makes me feel like such a moron to forget the main item that precipitated the trip!  But I also got some other things while I was there… including blackberries, which I guess I’ll have to freeze since apparently I won’t be able to eat them.

And then I got this.Demon-02-june

Just kidding.  It really looks like this.

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But it’s the same thing to me.  It looks like it should be indulgent and sinful, but honestly?  It didn’t even taste that good.  And I am telling you there was some sort of little creature inside it that kept screeching Stop now, throw the rest out, you’ve had enough!  Which I didn’t do, but I can’t help feeling kind of annoyed that I am “wasting” calories on something that disappointing.

Somewhere along the line today, these things showed up.

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The ones on the left are carob-coated, and the ones on the right are chocolate-coated.  I don’t really like carob, but I wanted to compare them, and they’re oddly high-calorie for rice chips, so… anyway, this is kind of weird, but the carob-coated ones tasted like a coffee shop smells.  (I’d say they taste like coffee, but seeing as I don’t drink the stuff, I wouldn’t really know!)

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I had to finish this up because it expires in early July, it is impossible on your teeth, and I am going to lose the ability to use said teeth for a bit.  (Sad, because I have always preferred things well-done… I do not like soft and mushy!!)  It wasn’t as hard to chew as the original flavor, but that could just be because I was expecting it to be worse.  It did taste quite distinctly of pepper!

When I got back from work, I decided that just going to the bat mitzvah and “eating dinner” there was probably not going to happen, and if I start messing up… well, you know.  So I ate at home before I went.  And I’m actually kind of glad  I did that, because my mom?  Yeah.  I know I’ve said this before, but oh my goodness — she drives me crazy!!

All of this has made for a very tiring day.  On a logical level, I guess I know that it’s not really possible to gain much weight in one day, if at all; even though my calories have nearly doubled practically overnight, a fact which I am trying valiantly to avoid… but it still feels like I have.  That’s the trap I always fall into, because I seem to have some sort of misguided belief that I can miraculously gain back every bit of weight I’ve lost, all within the span of a single meal.  Knowing that that’s ridiculous doesn’t make me any less terrified of it, though.  Apparently there is a world of difference between knowledge and application of that knowledge.

I am still really dreading this wisdom tooth extraction. (Well, duh — who likes it?!) I am not a fan of the liquid diet — it just makes me feel all water-logged and sluggish! I hope my apparently miraculous physical health at the moment proves indicative of my innate freakishness which will have me back to normal in no time at all. Some people have horror stories, some people say it was just fine. I’d like to be one of the lucky ones this time around.

I found this in a book today — I don’t remember the author or the artist’s names… I think the artist was Kim Something (maybe Williams?), but I thought it expressed my feelings perfectly, so I decided to share it!  Sorry it’s sideways; I did rotate it, but apparently it did a little twist and reverted back to the original.
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Good night, all!
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7 responses to “Day One

  1. hey girl!

    i can TOTALLY relate to sort of freaking out about the whole calorie thing– when my nutritionist told me the amount i needed just to MAINTAIN my weight–i laughed in her face– and she told me to try it– she wasn’t lying.

    our bodies NEED proper fuel– once we add more, our metabolism speeds up– weight gain DOES NOT happen in one day– ( i mean i guess its possible to gain one lb if you eat TONS AND TONS– but i dont think you are anywhere near that)– but waht i’m trying to say is that it took me 4-5 months to put on 4 lb! thats how GRADUAL the process was for me… i know its scary at first– in fact im going through it again right nwo– but its what we need to do to get healthy.

    xooxox

  2. You have GORGEOUS eyes!

    I’m so so proud of you for doing this. Trust me, I know how hard it is, especially at first. But you gotta do what you gotta do. We believe in you.

  3. I love the outfit, and the earrings! I’ve been forcing myself to leave my sweatshirts at home lately too, I think I was in danger of needing to have them surgically removed from me for a while :p
    There is definitely a big gap between knowing something logically and believing it emotionally. It is impossible to regain all the weight you need in one meal, but damn if it doesn’t feel otherwise. What helped me to keep going was to remind myself that thoughts like that are just symptoms of the eating disorder, not facts. That put an extra obstacle between having the thoughts and automatically buying into them. Now I seem to question thoughts like that automatically instead, which was the intended result! I hope you can find something more worthwhile than the ice cream to use your calories up on today :p I hate being disappointed like that!

  4. rediscoveringlauren

    hi hun,
    sorry about the rough appointment, but you can do this…i know its not easy to increase your meal plan, but you can do anything you set that wonderful mind of your too :)
    xxx

  5. Morning Darling,

    I know this is tough. My parents and team are trying to get me to up too… It’s terrifying, but we’ve got to do it. Think of it as ripping off a bandaid. Let’s just get it over with as quickly as possible. lol.

    Your outfit is adorable today sweet.

    With Love,

    Emily

  6. I am constantly going into the store for one thing and coming out with everything BUT the thing I went in for…gah. I love the eye make-up picture!

    I always worry that the slightest change in my diet, even for one day, is going to result in a huge weight gain but it is seriously CRAAAAAAAZY how many calories it takes, consistently, to actually gain weight.

    I had an idea about the wisdom teeth thing- have you checked the NYU clinic? My friend had hers done there and it was really cheap (they are in training, but LOTS of supervision and freshly taught so probably equally, if not more, on the ball than a dentist with years under his belt!)

  7. lilveggiepatch

    Hi. I am so, SO sorry I didn’t check in yesterday… I just read your last post. E-mail me whenever you need to… It goes to my phone so I’ll get it fast. And in case I haven’t said this enough, I’m so proud of how hard you’re working to get through everything. This sounds kind of strange written down, but you’re ALIVE, so you must be doing something right! I tell myself that a lot.

    LOVE.

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