When I was in high school, I wrote a lot of poetry. I sort of let it fall by the wayside once I graduated, partly because I no longer had to entertain myself in boring classes! One thing that always attracted me to poetry, as opposed to prose, is that it’s so much easier to write something and leave it open to interpretation. In that way, it doesn’t seem to matter as much if I’m not quite sure what it is I’m trying to say, because it can come across as intentional, rather than I have no idea what the hell I’m saying. Which is why my last post is as indecipherable as it is; I don’t have the ability to verbalize this! But I am going to attempt to translate it into prose anyway.
There were really two sides to this…
1) Before I say anything, I tend to think about how I would react or what I would say if someone else were to say something like that to me. If I come up blank, I just don’t say it. That, coupled with the fact that I feel like I am letting people down if everything in my life is not smooth sailing every second of every day, makes me clam up if I’m having a hard time. It isn’t at all helpful, and it makes it extremely difficult to figure out what “me” means, because I feel like it’s necessary for me to hide an essential part of myself in order to avoid disappointing / alienating people.
2) I am Jewish. I am religious. I am also unapologetic about this. Yes, I was born into it, and in that I had no choice. But parents bring up their children in one way, and at some point, the children are old enough to make their own decisions about how to live life. So while it came hand-in-hand with birth for me, this is now something I choose to believe. Maybe not quite the way my parents would like, but it’s not about them; my religion / spirituality is my own business. And for that reason, I find it offensive that I can be attacked using that as a basis. Yes, I have had my own struggles in this area; but it was always more about what I am not, rather than a condemnation of what I am. The very people who were supposed to be helping me figure out my life sometimes did more harm than good; I had a treatment provider suggest that I refrain from prayer, as it is a manifestation of OCD. (Which, by the way, I do not have.) A nutritionist once told me, when I expressed regret that the kosher certification on a certain product had changed, thus rendering it unacceptable for me, that I should keep it at the office and only eat it at work. It doesn’t matter whether my parents saw me eating it; it had nothing to do with them! These, to me, were just implications that my personal belief system is flawed and something that needs to be hidden.
I am not stupid. I am well aware of the fact that the world is not a utopia. Because I was never willing to accept the cookie-cutter life that would have been expected of me, I did go “out in the world” on a forage of sorts. It is one thing to know that biases exist. It is another thing entirely to consistently face them. All I have to say to that is this: If you are so insecure with yourself and your own beliefs, or lack thereof, that you need to attack someone else’s, then I am sorry for you.
On Saturday night, I used the recipe posted on The Novice Berker’s blog and made S’mores Brownies for my brother. (And was also treated to a fight with my mom, but I will spare you the details.) I topped it with more marshmallows than the recipe called for, which I probably shouldn’t have done, since they puffed up to epic proportions! Oh, well… it made the house smell lovely, and they were quite messy to cut, but he doesn’t seem to mind in the slightest.
On Sunday, I had to make an emergency pet shop run due to the sudden death of my algae eater… Filet o’ Fish, anyone?! I didn’t want to get a plecostomus, because they get so hideously big and ugly… I got this little algae eater instead. Sorry for the bad picture, it’s kind of hard to worry about focus and clarity when you’re stopped at a red light!
Just one food photo of BBQ baked tofu. There is the distinct possibility that I may have gotten involved in something else and left this in the oven for far too long; it’s good that I like things overcooked!!
Oh, and I was in a supermarket and wanted to buy a kabocha squash, but they only had very big ones… so I got this cute little butternut squash instead. (I dread cutting into it! Electric knife, here I come.) Any ideas what to do with it? The faster and simpler, the better!
BTW: I am moving to WordPress… I changed my domain name, too. Blue Eyed Heart… don’t ask!