Thank you for all of your feedback on my last post… sometimes I get myself so frustrated that I’m so stuck and stagnant that I can’t possibly imagine how infuriating it must be for others to watch it, which is probably why I find it so difficult to even consider myself deserving of support. (Whether it’s even an option in my real life is another story for another day… but the short answer would be, “Not really.”) I’m not exactly good at conveying feelings (duh?), but I just wanted you all to know that I really do appreciate it, and it means a lot to me.
That said, the comments left provided a lot of food for thought (no pun intended!). The grand conclusion I reached is that it’s supposed to be “fake it ’til you make it” until you wake up one day committed to recovery. (I’m sure you can guess that I’m convinced that that day will never come for me!) Quite frankly, I don’t want to wait anymore. I really feel that I am too old for this nonsense… and I have spent too many years stressing over it. I remember some sort of hospital workshop in which we each had to say how long we’d been sick… it was four years for me at that point, I think, and it felt a bit ridiculous compared to others who said ten or twelve or whatever… but I would really rather not be someone who can say that in a few years.
In recalling the hospital, I remembered something else that always struck me about it. We were weighed in the morning, and then, in our distress (hello, we’re eating disorder patients!), were sent off to eat an enormous breakfast with no processing time whatsoever. Despite that, most of the time I did manage to eat it anyway. Yes, I felt like a fat disgusting pig, but that’s not the point; I was able to do it then, so I should be able to do it now!!
This also particularly struck me: Katie mentioned that, basically, “hitting rock bottom” makes for a good motivator. I don’t know what my “rock bottom” would be, but quite frankly, I think I’d rather not find out… I know I’ve been extremely lucky so far in the respect that my life hasn’t fallen completely apart. I also know that luck does not hold out forever. I just need to actually apply said knowledge to action… easier said than done, apparently.
In terms of goals… I can compile a list of things I want to do, like going skydiving, visiting X country, publishing a novel, or whatever… but they’re all one-shot things, not really life goals. It’s hard to explain how to differentiate between the two, but I guess a “life goal” would be something that is hindered by an ED, and technically none of the above things actually are. I might just have blinders on when it comes to “building a life for myself” beyond what everyone else here does. (For the record, that would be graduate high school, go to seminary, come home, get a job, get married, have kids.) Things don’t just come to you, you have to work for them. I get that. But how can I work toward something if I don’t even know what that something is?!
Sorry… that’s enough “soul searching” blathering for the moment. On to today…
On this raw, cold, rainy October morning (errrr, June… sorry), I really needed something cheerful and sunny to brighten the day. Hence:
Well, you can’t really see it in this picture, but they’re bright yellow!
Even though today was an impossibly LONG, dreary day, during which I felt like biting off Mr. J’s head (multiple times!), there was something lovely waiting for me in the mail when I got home:
My C-card has arrived!!
It is finally, finally the weekend. I want to go to sleep for a long long time!! But that isn’t going to happen… my room is a total disaster zone and I need to clear it in a big way, but that isn’t going to happen either, because as it turns out, my mom and I are attending the conference after all. I said I’d only go if we didn’t register for the same workshops, and she agreed… but now I (or rather, ED me) am stressing about it, because it’s a break in routine, I won’t be able to go to the gym, the food situation is not at all one I am comfortable with… yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill! Aside from the fact that it’s been about a zillion years since I’ve sat in “classes” for an entire day. Trying to convince myself here that it is one day. It is not going to kill me.
Have a great weekend, all!
I just thought this quote was very apropos, so I leave you with…
“The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind.”
~Gilbert Keith Chesterton