Ever imagine modern art in text format? (I didn’t up until this very moment!) That is kind of what this post is going to end up like, because I just need to sort through the mess in my head, and I have a feeling that I’m going to be splattering random blots everywhere.
I saw my therapist today, and almost immediately after my appointment, I read Katie’s post. I said in my comment that it made me want to cry… I can’t really do an adequate job of explaining why, but I will ramble on in the vein anyway.
For my next session, I have an assignment to write up a list of my goals in life. This is a self-inflicted assignment, I suppose, since I told my therapist about how being underweight provides me with a goal. But really, now that I’m thinking of it… I don’t really know what I want out of life. Yes, it would be nice to be free of hang-ups with regard to weight / food / body image… but even if I manage to somehow achieve that, what else would I do? It’s not like someone will ask you what you do and you can say, “I don’t obsess over food and weight!” the way you can say, “I am a lawyer!” or whatever. I guess this appointment has left me feeling so unsettled because it’s forcing me to realize that, just maybe, I don’t have any goals, I don’t really expect anything out of life… and that scares the crap out of me. How do you decide what you want to accomplish in your life?
Another reason why I feel so discombobulated following this appointment is because I’m starting to wonder whether I really do want this. It could be that I’m so terrified of change that I can’t let myself fathom life without anorexia; it certainly doesn’t help that I’m not seeing any immediate negative effects either. I am not so stupid to be unaware that such things can creep up on you years down the line, so why am I so effectively able to ignore that?? Even if I’m not happy with the status quo, am I just so comfortable with it due to its familiarity that I can’t let myself take the risk of trying something different?
It scares me that I could possibly be content with my life as it is. I might not be a natural optimist, but I hate to think that I have to be unhappy. I will say this: I am sick of being afraid. I mean that primarily in a food sense, because it is absolutely tiresome that it has such a hold on me; but it is applicable in other aspects too. I might not be clear on what I want out of my life… but does it really matter, if I’m too afraid to face something that I do know I want? (Such as: move out!!) …or at least, that I’m pretty sure I want?? See, my indecisiveness kills me.
My nutritionist asked me last night if it wouldn’t be easier for me to just gain the weight in an IP setting… um, well, yes, technically it would. That’s what happened last time. I gained all the weight, dealt with none of it, and lost it all. I do not want to go that route. Should logic be allowed to dominate, I know that if I end up “fat” either way, there’s no reason for me to have to be locked up and taking a break from life too. I just need to know how to be okay with eating / gaining the weight on my own, because if I can’t do that, what’s the point in trying to get there at all?
I may have mentioned this fleetingly at some point… but I really do feel like I’m in a no-man’s land in terms of lifestyle. In a community like the one in which I grew up, people my age are generally already married with children, or fast headed that way. I kind of feel like if I don’t do that, I’m a freakish misfit and I have no choice but to leave entirely… and I don’t want to do that. I just can’t seem to find any middle ground, and it has me so conflicted. Major contributor to why I feel so lost most of the time!
Okay, that’s enough “heavy” for the time being!!
Some random guy bearing a remarkable resemblance to Mike Tyson (minus the facial tattoos!) tried to offer to buy me lunch this morning… um, can you say “creepy”??
This is the card my brother and I are giving my parents for their anniversary (sorry for the blurry photo!)… what a great advertisement for marriage, huh? ;p
It says It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Inside it says “Happy anniversary” or something, but that’s just an afterthought!!
Having never eaten chocolate chip cookie dough, I don’t know whether the taste is authentic to the name, but these were pretty good! They are soft and gooey and — look — chocolate chips!!
I wonder, if you “baked” these in the oven, would they then be considered “chocolate chip cookies”?! ;p
The only thing that bothers me about them is that they have a bit more sugar than I’d like… but it can’t hurt every once in a while.
Odd little fact about how I developed a taste for vanilla, particularly vanilla yogurt, which used to turn my stomach… I owe it all to this.
I made an absolutely E-N-O-R-M-O-U-S salad with romaine, kale, broccoli sprouts, Steamfresh broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots, and the tempehtations. Sprinkled with some BBQ salad croutons, and “dressed” in BBQ sauce!
…Is it weird that I was “excited” about this ever since I decided to make it?? I can’t help it, I just love salad! And, um, note to self: raw kale = bad idea.
You know how sometimes, fruit looks really good, but then you bite into it and it’s just … eh? Well, that didn’t happen! The cherries look amazing, and they absolutely are. Which makes me happy!
I also dumped some blueberries into my cereal this morning. But honestly, I am going to turn into a fruit myself if I manage to finish all of it before it goes bad!! I made blueberry milkshakes for my mom and dad, but they decided afterwards that milkshakes are better without the blueberries. Oh well… too late! I’m used to making three milkshakes, but my brother wasn’t home… so there was some left over, and my parents are all, “So you finish it!” It seems like the big joke around here to tease me about such things, and in these instances I have no sense of humor! The ED part of my head was already having conniptions because this is my blender that I use to make my smoothies, and oh my goodness, I’m contaminating it with full fat ice cream and milk that is not skim! Insanity.
I cancelled my appointment with the oral surgeon… I made an appointment with another one for a week later. It’s not AS expensive. But it’s still way too much money. The insurance system in this country is seriously screwed up. Hey — just like me!!
Finally almost the weekend… *phew*