Lost in Life

Ever imagine modern art in text format? (I didn’t up until this very moment!) That is kind of what this post is going to end up like, because I just need to sort through the mess in my head, and I have a feeling that I’m going to be splattering random blots everywhere.

I saw my therapist today, and almost immediately after my appointment, I read Katie’s post. I said in my comment that it made me want to cry… I can’t really do an adequate job of explaining why, but I will ramble on in the vein anyway.

For my next session, I have an assignment to write up a list of my goals in life. This is a self-inflicted assignment, I suppose, since I told my therapist about how being underweight provides me with a goal. But really, now that I’m thinking of it… I don’t really know what I want out of life. Yes, it would be nice to be free of hang-ups with regard to weight / food / body image… but even if I manage to somehow achieve that, what else would I do? It’s not like someone will ask you what you do and you can say, “I don’t obsess over food and weight!” the way you can say, “I am a lawyer!” or whatever. I guess this appointment has left me feeling so unsettled because it’s forcing me to realize that, just maybe, I don’t have any goals, I don’t really expect anything out of life… and that scares the crap out of me. How do you decide what you want to accomplish in your life?

Another reason why I feel so discombobulated following this appointment is because I’m starting to wonder whether I really do want this. It could be that I’m so terrified of change that I can’t let myself fathom life without anorexia; it certainly doesn’t help that I’m not seeing any immediate negative effects either. I am not so stupid to be unaware that such things can creep up on you years down the line, so why am I so effectively able to ignore that?? Even if I’m not happy with the status quo, am I just so comfortable with it due to its familiarity that I can’t let myself take the risk of trying something different?

It scares me that I could possibly be content with my life as it is. I might not be a natural optimist, but I hate to think that I have to be unhappy. I will say this: I am sick of being afraid. I mean that primarily in a food sense, because it is absolutely tiresome that it has such a hold on me; but it is applicable in other aspects too. I might not be clear on what I want out of my life… but does it really matter, if I’m too afraid to face something that I do know I want? (Such as: move out!!) …or at least, that I’m pretty sure I want?? See, my indecisiveness kills me.

My nutritionist asked me last night if it wouldn’t be easier for me to just gain the weight in an IP setting… um, well, yes, technically it would. That’s what happened last time. I gained all the weight, dealt with none of it, and lost it all. I do not want to go that route. Should logic be allowed to dominate, I know that if I end up “fat” either way, there’s no reason for me to have to be locked up and taking a break from life too. I just need to know how to be okay with eating / gaining the weight on my own, because if I can’t do that, what’s the point in trying to get there at all?

I may have mentioned this fleetingly at some point… but I really do feel like I’m in a no-man’s land in terms of lifestyle. In a community like the one in which I grew up, people my age are generally already married with children, or fast headed that way. I kind of feel like if I don’t do that, I’m a freakish misfit and I have no choice but to leave entirely… and I don’t want to do that. I just can’t seem to find any middle ground, and it has me so conflicted. Major contributor to why I feel so lost most of the time!

Okay, that’s enough “heavy” for the time being!!

Some random guy bearing a remarkable resemblance to Mike Tyson (minus the facial tattoos!) tried to offer to buy me lunch this morning… um, can you say “creepy”??

This is the card my brother and I are giving my parents for their anniversary (sorry for the blurry photo!)… what a great advertisement for marriage, huh? ;p

It says It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Inside it says “Happy anniversary” or something, but that’s just an afterthought!!

A Bar of the Day (Raw Revolution bar in chocolate chip cookie dough):

Having never eaten chocolate chip cookie dough, I don’t know whether the taste is authentic to the name, but these were pretty good! They are soft and gooey and — look — chocolate chips!!
I wonder, if you “baked” these in the oven, would they then be considered “chocolate chip cookies”?! ;p

The only thing that bothers me about them is that they have a bit more sugar than I’d like… but it can’t hurt every once in a while.

And a SECOND Bar of the Day:

Nature Valley granola bar in the Vanilla Nut flavor. I know I said I’m growing to like Kashi granola bars more, but I wanted to try this flavor.

Odd little fact about how I developed a taste for vanilla, particularly vanilla yogurt, which used to turn my stomach… I owe it all to this.

Anyway, back to the bar, which didn’t really taste much like vanilla at all. But wait, what is this?? …

I do believe it’s almond butter! Which I generally don’t like, but it was fine in this context.

I decided to try another flavor of the tempehtations today, and I went with the BBQ, simply because it has an earlier expiration date than the ginger teriyaki!

I made an absolutely E-N-O-R-M-O-U-S salad with romaine, kale, broccoli sprouts, Steamfresh broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots, and the tempehtations. Sprinkled with some BBQ salad croutons, and “dressed” in BBQ sauce!

…Is it weird that I was “excited” about this ever since I decided to make it?? I can’t help it, I just love salad! And, um, note to self: raw kale = bad idea.

Oh, and I made the most miniscule of dents in the mountain of fruit in my refrigerator. This came to work with me:

You know how sometimes, fruit looks really good, but then you bite into it and it’s just … eh? Well, that didn’t happen! The cherries look amazing, and they absolutely are. Which makes me happy!

I also dumped some blueberries into my cereal this morning. But honestly, I am going to turn into a fruit myself if I manage to finish all of it before it goes bad!! I made blueberry milkshakes for my mom and dad, but they decided afterwards that milkshakes are better without the blueberries. Oh well… too late! I’m used to making three milkshakes, but my brother wasn’t home… so there was some left over, and my parents are all, “So you finish it!” It seems like the big joke around here to tease me about such things, and in these instances I have no sense of humor! The ED part of my head was already having conniptions because this is my blender that I use to make my smoothies, and oh my goodness, I’m contaminating it with full fat ice cream and milk that is not skim! Insanity.

I cancelled my appointment with the oral surgeon… I made an appointment with another one for a week later. It’s not AS expensive. But it’s still way too much money. The insurance system in this country is seriously screwed up. Hey — just like me!!

Finally almost the weekend… *phew*


10 responses to “Lost in Life

  1. You know what you said about not being sure whether you REALLY want this (recovery?)? Well, when I first started to "recover," I didn't want it either. No way in hell. But then after I gained some weight (much to my non-delight haha) and my brain stopped eating itself (hah), something just…switched. I dunno. It was this sudden thing…one day, I just woke up committed to recovery, to this new life.

    Eating disorders make our lives just about that…the eating disorder. So it's natural that you're not sure of what your goals are. Don't know about you, but when I was deep into the depths of my anorexia, I didn't have any goals other than lasting a whole day without food and losing just 10 more pounds…

    Recovery is NOT just about the weight gain. It's about rediscovering who we are and what our passions are.

  2. ok, I was gonna post an epic comment, and debbie just about said every word out of my mouth.
    It's time to stop the struggle…it's time to stop being content with being less than mediocre in life and health. It's time to really battle it out. Because you're not messed up, ED is just making you think that in order to steal all your joy and hope.
    you may just be content with now because you have not discovered the TRUE happiness and joy in living life to its fullest and having a healthy body and mind away from ED. once you get a taste of it,you'll never be content with the life in ED anymore.
    I dragged mine out for 4 years, and it's brought nothing but pain and misery. now that I'm recovering bit by bit, I wonder how I ever survived in that hell-hole.

  3. I'm sorry my post almost made you cry! Erk. I hope you're ok ❤
    I know I come across as all positive and focused on my blog, but this is only really representative of the last four months of my life. Up until the end of last year I didn't want to recover at all. I felt exactly how you described – there were no immediate physical consequences and I felt much safer and more comfortable carrying on the way I was, even though I certainly wasn't happy. I couldn't tell you exactly what happened to change that – I think it was partly getting into such a terrible state a couple of months later and seeing just how fragile that illusion of safety was. I still don't know what I DO want, but I think if I hung around trying to figure it out whilst still anorexic I would be waiting a very long time, because nothing in your mind or body works at 100% when you're not well.
    I love that card you got your parents, it would be very appropriate for mine too 😛
    Hope today is a bit better for you ❤

  4. thenoviceberker

    I understand where you're coming from, about blurred reasons whether/why you actually want to recover. Even though I suffered from B.E.D. I never knew a whole lot about anorexia or bulimia. Once I started learning more about other kinds of disordered eating, I found reasons not to turn to them.

    Recovering isn't just about gaining weight, like the first commenter said, it's also about gaining yourself back. And from another viewpoint, it's about gaining physical STRENGTH. If your body is desperate for energy (i.e., calories), it'll start breaking down your body muscles for protein–including your cardiac muscle. So your heart (literally and figuratively, I suppose) is hopefully another good reason! 😦

  5. rediscoveringlauren

    hi hun,
    what you said about not being fully sure if yu want recovery..ive felt like this too..especially when im confused and down and when i started recovery but now im more than 110 percent sure i want it….it just takes time to realize letting go of the ed is the only way youll ever enjoy life and actually live it! you can do it hun, youve got it in you 🙂

    i dont know what i want out of life yet either..finding out is whats fun about it!


  6. I've posted a lot about this in the past- more recently about what I *do* if I am not losing weight/thinking about food (I think the post was called "what do I do with this space" or something). Just an FYI, being a lawyer or a doctor or an anorexic isn't who YOU are, it's just a part of something you do…you can hide behind it all you want but it doesn't bear any weight ('scuse the pun) in terms of who you really are inside.

  7. So, we should seriously talk sometime! I had Jaw surgery my senior year of high school, and I'm curious as to what oral surgery you're going to have?

    What is tempeh like? I want to try it, but it seems like it was kind of expensive? Is that true? And I have no qualms with you finding a salad exciting! They can be SO delicious and FRESH! mmm, gotta love the crisp crunch of veggies! Oh, and kale isn't good in salads? I'll have to remember that and just use my kale for green monsters and I wanted to try making some kale chips!

    It's hard to remember that even though you are buying raw or organic foods, that they can still be unhealthy with lots of sugar! When I was at costco the other day, they had organic toaster pastries… mmmm so good… but the sugar content was pretty bad! Shucks! But, I suppose part of the learning process of an ED is that the foods aren't bad— but can be enjoyed in moderation on "special occasions". But, I don't bother buying the products more or less because I am just worried I will go overboard one day and go through it all in one sitting!

    Cute card! So funny, but so true!

    The gaining weight in an IP settings is something I've debated over quite a bit too. I think it's a personal decision, but should be seriously considered if it's been a while and you still haven't put on the weight or you feel like you can't get your head on straight enough to do it by yourself.

    sorry this is so long! But, I really hope we can chat sometime. Email me, or keep posting on my blog, I love to read your comments!

  8. Recovery is scary. Writing a list of goals will help because you can see something concrete when you have doubts. Each day, I wake up with doubts but I think about what life was life before I started to recovery and what I want out of life. Recovery isn't easy but with the support of family and friends you can do it.

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