I don’t know how I can profess to ever refer to myself as a “writer” when I feel like I do so poorly in communicating what I’m trying to say… but here goes nothing. (This is the long ramble I warned you about yesterday… and it may veer into “woe is me” territory because everyone needs to have a good moping session once in a while, I guess! It might also get weight-centric, and even though I will not mention specific numbers, I just wanted to put that out there. So consider yourself forewarned!)

Going in to my nutritionist yesterday, I knew that nothing good could come of it. This is why scales are so irritating: no matter what they say, it’s always the “wrong” thing. The ED part of me would be thrilled if I lost weight; my nutritionist would not. The ED part of me would be devastated if I gained weight; my nutritionist would be thrilled. I’d be ambivalent if I maintained; my nutritionist would be annoyed that I didn’t gain. It’s like nothing is ever good enough… if I lost, it’s, “You didn’t even maintain!” If I maintained, it’s, “You didn’t even gain!” If I gained, it’s, “You barely even gained!” And so on. I just can’t win. And if my nutritionist expects that I lost (like if I go off on vacation), and I come back and surprise!, I’m just as “fat” as ever, I feel like I’ve done something wrong, because if that wasn’t the case, nobody would be surprised.

Along these lines, I might be inferring things here, but I really feel like it doesn’t matter what I do / don’t do. It doesn’t seem to matter whether I actually eat. If I do, and lose weight, everyone is upset with me. If I don’t, and gain weight anyway, then all is fine and dandy. I’ve tried and tried, but I just can’t seem to really express how that makes me feel. It’s like, I hate food logs. Really loathe them. And I have to go through the rigmarole of writing it all down, but half of the time, nobody even sees it, because it only seems to matter to anyone if I’ve lost weight!

I know that “it’s not about the weight,” but what else am I supposed to think, if all signs indicate that it is?? I have a very hard time separating myself from the mentality that “weight gain = bad.” Even if I’m “trying” to gain weight, I inevitably feel like a pathetic weak failure when I do. Contradictory much? … I don’t really care what scales do or don’t say about it… I grew up without a scale at home, so I always had to gauge my weight by my appearance. Since I think I look pretty normal, it just perplexes me that I should have to gain weight at all. Realistically speaking, I know that my “initial goal weight” is still underweight for my height, which should “soothe” the ED part of my brain, but it doesn’t. I know what I look like at that weight. And I don’t like it.

Of course, there are a bunch of other fears wrapped up in this — some rational, some not so much. But any time I sit down to try and sort through them, I can’t seem to stop them swirling through my brain long enough to actually do it! I ought to make a separate post out of that… right now I think I’ve incoherently babbled long enough, and I still haven’t successfully managed to convey what I am trying to say.

This ramble ends here.

To address Katie’s comment on my last post … this is apparently the history of the scale. Evil thing. Blame Leonardo da Vinci.

Every single time I book a massage, I make sure to request a female masseuse. Always. Wouldn’t you know… this time, I forgot. And so… “Hi, I’m Craig.” Lovely. Just lovely. That is wrong on so many levels (religious as well as personal), I can’t even begin to describe it. If I had a single assertive bone in my body, I would have said something, but I don’t, so I didn’t. To be fair, he did get all of the knots out of my neck / shoulders (how on earth did it get that bad that fast?!) … but, oh, my goodness, he would not shut up! (Here is where that assertiveness thing would have come in handy again!) And the things he was babbling about were not exactly things I was interested in discussing.

He started right away and asked me, “What’s your favorite food?” I thought this was a very odd question for a massage therapist to ask, but I told him that I don’t have one. At that, I was treated to a litany of what he is going to eat today… tomato, avocado, broccoli, celery, raw pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds… apparently he’s been eating raw for two weeks. Well, yay. Am I supposed to care??

Then he told me that I have no body fat, and it’s “very healthy.” Oh, yeah, and he recommended that I take creatine and pump iron, because I am “naturally shredded” and I should take advantage of it, because he’s been trying to get rid of his body fat and it’s so difficult. (At this point, I wanted to bite his head off and tell him that I am not “naturally shredded,” I have a $@*%ing eating disorder and if I have zero body fat it’s because I went through hell for it, not because I was born that way!) Stupid me, I thought that if I keep my mouth shut, he would take the hint and shut his, but nope, doesn’t work that way. I’ll spare you all the stupid details with which I was regaled, but seriously… it’s a pity he couldn’t just be quiet, because otherwise it really was an effective massage. Guess that’s what I get for sticking with the guy. I think next time I will request a female massage therapist who does not speak English.

After that somewhat disconcerting experience, I went to Whole Foods and bought flowers. I had no idea that they had such pretty ones! I got a “summer sun” bouquet.

I bought the bouquet on the right; my dad bought the one on the left. I have absolutely no clue why we have such a glut of vases in this house, since I’m the only one here who even remotely likes flowers! But we do have quite the assortment.

A couple of “reviews” …

Kashi Heart to Heart — this totally figures, because I just bought the one cup instead of an entire box! But I liked it — it has the perfect amount of sweetness and the perfect texture.

This isn’t exactly a “review,” just a strange combination I’ve been meaning to try for a while, but I just never got around to it…

I crushed half of the granola bar and mixed it into the oatmeal before I stuck the bowl in the microwave, and then crushed the second half and sprinkled it over the cooked oatmeal.

There really is oatmeal under there, I tell you!!

How incredibly sad is it that we’re still having “oatmeal weather” here?! I mean, hello, it’s nearly June!! Brrr.

Obviously, I did not fall asleep during my massage… nor did I go to sleep as soon as I came home, the way I’d planned, because a bunch of things came up! I really want to go to sleep as soon as I light candles… then I might get lucky and sleep through the night, averting the “eating at 10.00 PM” heart attack; or I will be alert enough to stay up reading all night. Somehow, though, as anxious / stressed as I am about this holiday, I have a feeling that this “nap” will not actually materialize…

Hope you all have a great weekend!


10 responses to “RaMbLe!

  1. hm…reading this, it makes me feel that you are not really ready to gain the weight yet…and if you do, it may just be to please everyone else. I think you should make the decision to gain the weight for you OWN self, and eat to regain your health and freedom from ED and happiness in life, not to assuage others. In this case, you’ll DEFINITELY be WINNING. please take care of yourself…

  2. itsawrapteacher

    You’re not supposed to come out of a massage more stressed out! I would demand my $ back. Keep trucking girl, you can do this!

  3. You have a distorted body image. So do I. It sucks. Even when I was sickly, I thought I was massive.

    But in the end we gotta do what we gotta do…even if we can’t see it – others can.

    Unfortunately, we are just not capable of judging our bodies objectively.

    Anyway – God, that masseuse dude is an idiot. I would’ve seriously slapped him.

  4. thenoviceberker

    Argh, what an irritating masseuse. Definitely don’t forget to request the foreign female next time, dear. 😉 Today was totally “oatmeal weather in late May” for me too!!!

  5. that massage sounds…rather horrendous! I thought they aren’t supposed to talk much, never mind blab about their food/your body?! crazy…

    can relate to the no-win scale situation…gah. Nasty things.

    Today was the first day it felt summery here- yay! FINALLY!

  6. bahaha I love that you actually looked up the history of the scale! Brilliant :p
    That masseuse is an idiot. Does he not know that fat is kind of essential?! He needs a good slap and a visit to a nutritionist himself. Honestly.
    I'm sorry the nutritionist appointment messed with your head. I have to say though…can you really be certain that you know what you look like at your initial goal weight? Because I've never met anyone with an eating disorder or without who honestly looks better underweight. Everyone with anorexia thinks they look horrendous at a healthy weight, but I don't think any of us are the best judges of our looks. I hope you are feeling a bit less rarrr about it today though ❤

  7. jesslikesithot

    Ha, even on HOT, summery days I still crave a bowl of oatmeal!! Warmed up granola is the bestttt though, especially when in (soy) milk!

    And in regards to the last post, try not to see everything as a failure girl!! I know it always seems like you can’t please anyone, but just work on making YOUrself happy!! Just you! Do not focus on even wasting any thoughts on what would make ed, or even your nutritionist happy! It’s all about you and your health!

  8. Ick. I HATE when people make stupid comments like that. I guess they just don’t realize that it is offensive, but I totally know how you feel. My roommate makes crazy comments like that all the time and I just wanna scream!! haha.

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