Random.

There was only one Bobbing Lady at the pool last night! I was surprised, given the hour, but I wasn’t about to complain. And because of the yucky weather, when it stopped pouring for a few minutes, a lot of people made a run for it to go home, so it really emptied out. (It’s an indoor pool… no sitting out in the sun, here. Sad.)

Apparently, the reason why my insurance premiums keep going up is because I get it through my job (since supposedly group rates are cheaper!), and over a third of the employee population at this place is over 55. I say they ought to just get AARP and leave it at that. Yeah, I know, that’s for 65 and over. But really. I think another third of the population is comprised of young people with little children, who also use a lot of their benefits. I fall into neither of these brackets, so why do my premiums keep going up?! HR says that if we got a tiered plan, it would just be more expensive. I honestly do not see how that is even possible. I think I ought to look into just getting private insurance; as expensive as that would be, it can’t cost more than I’m paying right now. In the two years that I’ve worked here, my insurance premiums have practically tripled. In two years!! And they weren’t cheap in the first place. {{INSURANCE RANT OVER, FOR NOW}}

Someone must have been cleaning out their attic, because this showed up in the lounge at work:

Seriously, when we got our first microwave, I must have been about four or five… and this looks WAY older than that one did. It looks like it’s from the Year One. I just got a kick out of it.

I was supposed to see my nutritionist tonight, but she cancelled on me because she isn’t feeling well. There are a bunch of (extremely disordered!!) reasons why this irritated me, but, hey — it’s not her fault. Still, when something doesn’t go according to “schedule,” my crazy brain doesn’t like it and starts going, well, crazy. She specifically told me that I shouldn’t take this to mean that I don’t have to eat anymore, because naturally that’s where my mind would go. I’m just feeling so… frustrated right now. Not to sound too typically anorexic, but everything is very… I wouldn’t say “out of control,” but more like “ambiguous.” It seems like I can never know what to expect, and I’m just plodding through every day waiting for the end of it, but that is ultimately followed by another day just like it. I need to re-evaluate this equation, here. Actually, I need to be able to form coherent sentences out of my thoughts. Hard to do when the thoughts themselves are barely coherent, or moving too quickly for me to catch them!! It’s like a merry-go-round; there are a whole lot of “riders,” and it’s hard for one to get off without falling while the rest keep speeding by.

The thing is, I don’t really think that having an ED keeps me from having other “disturbing” thoughts… the merry-go-round just gets more crowded. So even it were to be said that I focus on food 24/7, that wouldn’t mean I’m neglecting to focus on other things. When it’s put that way, what purpose does an ED serve for me?? It really must be that I’m just vain and “I don’t want to be fat.”

In retrospect, I can come up with a bunch of “symbolic” reasons why not… I don’t want to be taking up so much space, I don’t want to be seen as greedy, I hate “needing” anything, etc. But none of these were conscious decisions at the time. Actually, who says there ever was a conscious decision??

Lots of people mention that they lost their friends as a result of their ED. I wouldn’t quite say that happened to me; it’s more like we’re in different life situations. Most of my friends are people I met in high school, where I guess it’s relatively easy to meet people! And most of them are now married with children, which means that we have little in common anymore. Sometimes I wonder if we ever did at all. I always felt kind of like a communal misfit, and they professed that they did too, but they seem to have managed to mold themselves into whatever shape was required for them to fit into the “happily married mommy” role, whereas I am the peg that is getting more and more square while the hole gets rounder and rounder. It isn’t just my imagination — I don’t fit in anywhere. As far as I can see, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, because there is something innate within me that won’t go away. Yes, I hate “putting myself out there” … with good reason!! Past experiences have indicated that that makes sense. After all, isn’t it the very definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results?

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I’m sorry this post is such a downer… procrastination can do that. I should take advantage of this unexpected free evening to study for my finals — I have two of them on Monday — but I guess that makes too much sense.

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3 responses to “Random.

  1. Hi friend!!

    Ah, insurance woes! That is killer..I definitely think you should research some private options in case you could save some $ by opting out of the work plan.

    Those are the BEST swims when the pool is virtually empty..I hate having to wade through armies of senile water aerobics-doers! I’m sorry you’re feeling like such an outsider, I think being so introspective and REALLY analyzing your thoughts and feelings the way we all do in recovery has its perks as well at its drawbacks…you aren’t willing to settle into a role you don’t want (good wifey and mommy) right now, but because the rest of the world around you got suckered into doing so you feel a bit alienated. Maybe you just have to wait it out until all of their marriages crumble and they get divorced and want to rekindle their OLD lifestyles 😉

    (I’m kidding! Mostly..)

    “putting yourself out there” sucks, but I hope you find something you are comfortable doing…a new hobby perhaps? Making friends is a good thing! That microwave is super jenky, btw.

    Oh and thanks for the grammar help! I guess I could have just looked it up instead of having that debate in my head over the years, but thanks to you I need not google it!

  2. Insurance sucks big time, but I think private would cost a lot because of pre-existing conditions. Problem with an eating disorder in your history means they will literally peg everything down to an ED in one way or another to avoid paying, so even if your premiums go down, your co-pay would likely shoot through the roof (I once got billed $2000 for a chest x-ray and blood test!)

    That microwave is both hilarious and horrifying- I suggest letting someone test it out before making lunch in there 😛

    I can kind of relate to the friend thing. I haven’t ‘lost’ friends per say, more that I haven’t been able to make new friends easily since I don’t go out/socialise/do ‘normal’ things, and the friends I had from school are now married/doctors/kids/fully-fledged grown ups and I’m worlds apart from that.

    have you met anyone through school you can relate to? Strangely, I found it MUCh easier in NY to make friends because there were so many people around my age who weren’t married, still had roommate/hadn’t bought houses and still hadn’t gotten things all figured out the way my high school friends seemed to.

  3. burpandslurp

    that insurance thing is ridiculous. looks like the company is doing anything it can to get a few more bucks.
    same thing to me with friends…All my friends are now in college, while I’m still at home recovering from ED…
    I understand all your frustrations, I go through some of the exact same stuff myself. I just try to turn them against ED instead. actually I find a lot of my downers are linked to my ED…so that just motivates me to fight towards getting ED out of my life.
    btw, haha, that toilet paper joke was way too funny!

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